Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)
Discussion
Ponpiman said:
A tradesman-painter named Jack was always keen to make the extra buck where he could. So he would often thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. So he started; erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and as usual thinning it down with turpentine.
He was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a mighty clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned-down paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”
Why would rain wash off oil based paint?He was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a mighty clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned-down paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”
A zoo had two Gnus. A male Gnu and a female Gnu.
It soon became apparent that the female Gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby Gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took it's first wobbly steps around the enclosure.
One day it became apparent that the young Gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little Gnu died. The female Gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died.
This greatly affected the male Gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed Gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male Gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the Gnus now here's the weather......
It soon became apparent that the female Gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby Gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took it's first wobbly steps around the enclosure.
One day it became apparent that the young Gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little Gnu died. The female Gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died.
This greatly affected the male Gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed Gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male Gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the Gnus now here's the weather......
Two no non binary people were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. One shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked the other
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied the other "You know the winner gets abou a half a million Euros?.
"Yeah, I understand that." said the one called Semus, "But why do all the others do it?"
"Do what?" asked the other
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied the other "You know the winner gets abou a half a million Euros?.
"Yeah, I understand that." said the one called Semus, "But why do all the others do it?"
Old joke but I’ve adapted it slightly to be topical.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a ballon losing height over the jungle.
It is well know that the tribes that live there are cannibals , so they come up with plan.
The Englishman gets a big marker pen and writes on his chest “ On no account are you allowed to eat me. Contact the British Embassy ASAP.”
The Scotsman , writes “ I’ve got Covid, don’t eat me”.
The Irishman writes “ England to win Euro 2020, 5-0 v Belgium in the final, Kane hat trick “.
The other two are puzzled and ask him why he’s written that, to which he replies “ No one in the world will swallow that!”
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a ballon losing height over the jungle.
It is well know that the tribes that live there are cannibals , so they come up with plan.
The Englishman gets a big marker pen and writes on his chest “ On no account are you allowed to eat me. Contact the British Embassy ASAP.”
The Scotsman , writes “ I’ve got Covid, don’t eat me”.
The Irishman writes “ England to win Euro 2020, 5-0 v Belgium in the final, Kane hat trick “.
The other two are puzzled and ask him why he’s written that, to which he replies “ No one in the world will swallow that!”
Cliffe60 said:
Old joke but I’ve adapted it slightly to be topical.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a ballon losing height over the jungle.
It is well know that the tribes that live there are cannibals , so they come up with plan.
The Englishman gets a big marker pen and writes on his chest “ On no account are you allowed to eat me. Contact the British Embassy ASAP.”
The Scotsman , writes “ I’ve got Covid, don’t eat me”.
The Irishman writes “ England to win Euro 2020, 5-0 v Belgium in the final, Kane hat trick “.
The other two are puzzled and ask him why he’s written that, to which he replies “ No one in the world will swallow that!”
Could you change it back? An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a ballon losing height over the jungle.
It is well know that the tribes that live there are cannibals , so they come up with plan.
The Englishman gets a big marker pen and writes on his chest “ On no account are you allowed to eat me. Contact the British Embassy ASAP.”
The Scotsman , writes “ I’ve got Covid, don’t eat me”.
The Irishman writes “ England to win Euro 2020, 5-0 v Belgium in the final, Kane hat trick “.
The other two are puzzled and ask him why he’s written that, to which he replies “ No one in the world will swallow that!”
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