Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)
Discussion
A plumber who worked for the council dies in a car accident on the morning of his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates:
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says. "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says. "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it maybe because I'm a plumber?"
"Congratulations for what?" Says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. I'll have you know that we're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old, God himself wants to see you!"
The plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says. "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."
"But that's simply not possible." Says Saint Peter. "We've added up all your time sheets!"
A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says. "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says. "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it maybe because I'm a plumber?"
"Congratulations for what?" Says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. I'll have you know that we're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old, God himself wants to see you!"
The plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says. "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."
"But that's simply not possible." Says Saint Peter. "We've added up all your time sheets!"
t goes downhill and shandy is to strong for them!
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
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