Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)
Discussion
Just woke up this morning feeling pretty grim after a heavy beer and curry session with a few mates last night, when one of them phoned to say that the taxi driver who brought us home, had texted to let us know one of us had left a hat in his cab.
Since I lived closest, he asked if I could go and pick it up. I couldn't remember any of us wearing a hat, but since it was good of the driver to tell us, it was the least I could do, so off I went.
When I got there the driver was furious, effing and blinding all over the place and with a face red with rage.
'Whoa' I said, 'calm down, it's only a hat'.
'Only a hat, only a hat, wot you talking about only a hat?' he replied furiously 'you just look in my cab and see'.
So he opened the back door and there, stuck right between the seat and the backrest, was the biggest turd I had seen for ages. I was shocked.
'WTF is that doing there?' I said.
'You tell me' he said 'you tell me. it was one of you'.
I just wanted to get out of there, so 'Look' I said 'I've only come to pick up the hat, so where is it?
'No hat' he said 'no hat, why you keep going on about a hat?'
'Because my mate told me you texted to let us know that someone had left a hat in your cab last night' I replied.
'Bruddy hell no' he said 'I didn't. Wot my text say then?'
'Well my mate said you texted 'Someones hat in my cab' I replied.
'No, no, no' he replied furiously 'I texted' Someone shat in my cab', now get that bruddy thing out of there.
Since I lived closest, he asked if I could go and pick it up. I couldn't remember any of us wearing a hat, but since it was good of the driver to tell us, it was the least I could do, so off I went.
When I got there the driver was furious, effing and blinding all over the place and with a face red with rage.
'Whoa' I said, 'calm down, it's only a hat'.
'Only a hat, only a hat, wot you talking about only a hat?' he replied furiously 'you just look in my cab and see'.
So he opened the back door and there, stuck right between the seat and the backrest, was the biggest turd I had seen for ages. I was shocked.
'WTF is that doing there?' I said.
'You tell me' he said 'you tell me. it was one of you'.
I just wanted to get out of there, so 'Look' I said 'I've only come to pick up the hat, so where is it?
'No hat' he said 'no hat, why you keep going on about a hat?'
'Because my mate told me you texted to let us know that someone had left a hat in your cab last night' I replied.
'Bruddy hell no' he said 'I didn't. Wot my text say then?'
'Well my mate said you texted 'Someones hat in my cab' I replied.
'No, no, no' he replied furiously 'I texted' Someone shat in my cab', now get that bruddy thing out of there.
vaud said:
Gladers01 said:
Our receptionist took a call from a guy claiming to be 'Wayne Kerr', she assumed it was a perv and slammed the phone down, turned out to be a genuine business enquiry 
I knew a Ewan KerrMy section used one of these machines but it was in another section.
We always made new apprentices go along to the other section and ask if we could use the Wayne Kerr machine.
The alert ones used to say “I’m not fooling for that one”, thinking it a variation on the tartan paint trick, and didn’t believe there was such a machine until they actually saw it.
Metal Guru said:
vaud said:
Gladers01 said:
Our receptionist took a call from a guy claiming to be 'Wayne Kerr', she assumed it was a perv and slammed the phone down, turned out to be a genuine business enquiry
I knew a Ewan KerrMy section used one of these machines but it was in another section.
We always made new apprentices go along to the other section and ask if we could use the Wayne Kerr machine.
The alert ones used to say “I’m not fooling for that one”, thinking it a variation on the tartan paint trick, and didn’t believe there was such a machine until they actually saw it.
Lives up to his name, he even published a photo how-to of how to break in to peoples houses using a gas torch, when the numbers of such break-ins increased he maintained that it was nothing to do with him as he doubted that burglars read newspapers
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