Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)
Discussion
Trenchard said:
Lordbenny said:
Some jokes don’t work when written down…this is one of them!
Perhaps but if the speech impediment is revealed too soon, the punchline is telegraphed so the impact is gone. I like to make my audience work for their giggles. ‘Have you heard the one about a bloke with a speech impediment who said trot and a bloke thought he said t
t’. Clunk.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £20 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
Doofus said:
V6 Pushfit said:
Doofus said:
V6 Pushfit said:
Clunk.
For a moment there, I thought you were calling him a clunk.Clunk.
Smash.
As they say in CID circles, there is a pattern emerging.
(Paraphrased from someone telling me this joke; it's not mine)
Kim Yong-un wanted some positive media coverage for his birthday, and commissioned a composer in Pyongyang to write a symphony for his birthday concert. The composer would even get the honour of conducting the orchestra.
Well, it was an utter disaster. The string section was playing in a different key to the brass section and the horn section completely missed their entry a at the climax of the finalé, ruining the whole thing. The Supreme Leader was purple with rage, motioning to nearby soldiers to escort the hapless composer to a nearby prison. He was to be executed by electric chair the following morning.
The guards did offer him the last meal of his choice though. He asked for a really hot curry, which the guards fetched him.
The following day came and Kim Yong-un came to witness the composer being punished for his embarrassing display. Mr Kim took a seat and gestured to the executioner to throw the switch. He duly did so, the lights of the prison dimmed for a few seconds... and there sat a completely unharmed conductor.
His rage punctured by his astonishment, Kim Yong-un thought this to be a sign from the universe that the composer be given another chance. The Day Of The Sun was not far away, and the composer was offered another chance and another concert. A new piece of music was composed.
Rehearsals went well but yet again, the performance was woeful. No two musicians were in time with each other and the lead violinist murdered the melody of the opening movement. The composer looked nervously to the Presidential Box, where Kim
Yong-un sat, shaking his head.
Once again, the composer found himself dragged back to another prison, condemned to the electric chair. When offered a last meal, he asked for "a really, really hot curry, even more hot than the last one." It was duly prepared.
On the day, Kim ordered a special generator be added to ensure additional voltage, and that all the components of the electric chair be checked. At the critical moment, the lights dimmed again... and the conductor had not even a singed hair to show for it.
The flabbergasted Supreme Leader stood to his feet, shooting and pointing at the stubbornly alive victim: "You will have one more chance on International Workers Day to prove yourself!" he screamed. "But I warn you; while you are preparing I will build an execution chamber directly at a power station, and demand that while power station's supply is dedicated to terminating your existence if you fail me!"
The third attempt, in front of the great and the good of Pyongyang, sadly fared no better. Kim Yong-un didn't even wait for the first movement to finish this time, insisting that the unfortunate composer be led to a waiting van, driven to a brand new electric chair at a nearby power station.
Just as the man was about to ask for yet another final meal- a curry hotter than anyone has ever made before- into the prison cell marched Kim with a couple of guards. "There is to be no final meal, and certainly no curry!", he bellowed. "You are to be executed right away! You have embarrassed me enough!"
And so the composer meekly followed his guards to his personal electric chair, a veritable mountain of cables and circuitry. Whole cities would be deprived of power to ensure his demise. And when the switch was thrown... nothing happened.
"But how?", shouted Kim Yong-un. "You didn't have any curry this time and no one should have survived all of that electrical potential!"
"It's nothing to do with the curries, O Great One.", said the musician. "I am the finest composer in North Korea...
... but I am a really poor conductor."
Kim Yong-un wanted some positive media coverage for his birthday, and commissioned a composer in Pyongyang to write a symphony for his birthday concert. The composer would even get the honour of conducting the orchestra.
Well, it was an utter disaster. The string section was playing in a different key to the brass section and the horn section completely missed their entry a at the climax of the finalé, ruining the whole thing. The Supreme Leader was purple with rage, motioning to nearby soldiers to escort the hapless composer to a nearby prison. He was to be executed by electric chair the following morning.
The guards did offer him the last meal of his choice though. He asked for a really hot curry, which the guards fetched him.
The following day came and Kim Yong-un came to witness the composer being punished for his embarrassing display. Mr Kim took a seat and gestured to the executioner to throw the switch. He duly did so, the lights of the prison dimmed for a few seconds... and there sat a completely unharmed conductor.
His rage punctured by his astonishment, Kim Yong-un thought this to be a sign from the universe that the composer be given another chance. The Day Of The Sun was not far away, and the composer was offered another chance and another concert. A new piece of music was composed.
Rehearsals went well but yet again, the performance was woeful. No two musicians were in time with each other and the lead violinist murdered the melody of the opening movement. The composer looked nervously to the Presidential Box, where Kim
Yong-un sat, shaking his head.
Once again, the composer found himself dragged back to another prison, condemned to the electric chair. When offered a last meal, he asked for "a really, really hot curry, even more hot than the last one." It was duly prepared.
On the day, Kim ordered a special generator be added to ensure additional voltage, and that all the components of the electric chair be checked. At the critical moment, the lights dimmed again... and the conductor had not even a singed hair to show for it.
The flabbergasted Supreme Leader stood to his feet, shooting and pointing at the stubbornly alive victim: "You will have one more chance on International Workers Day to prove yourself!" he screamed. "But I warn you; while you are preparing I will build an execution chamber directly at a power station, and demand that while power station's supply is dedicated to terminating your existence if you fail me!"
The third attempt, in front of the great and the good of Pyongyang, sadly fared no better. Kim Yong-un didn't even wait for the first movement to finish this time, insisting that the unfortunate composer be led to a waiting van, driven to a brand new electric chair at a nearby power station.
Just as the man was about to ask for yet another final meal- a curry hotter than anyone has ever made before- into the prison cell marched Kim with a couple of guards. "There is to be no final meal, and certainly no curry!", he bellowed. "You are to be executed right away! You have embarrassed me enough!"
And so the composer meekly followed his guards to his personal electric chair, a veritable mountain of cables and circuitry. Whole cities would be deprived of power to ensure his demise. And when the switch was thrown... nothing happened.
"But how?", shouted Kim Yong-un. "You didn't have any curry this time and no one should have survived all of that electrical potential!"
"It's nothing to do with the curries, O Great One.", said the musician. "I am the finest composer in North Korea...
... but I am a really poor conductor."
Lordbenny said:
V6 Pushfit said:
Agreed.
‘Have you heard the one about a bloke with a speech impediment who said trot and a bloke thought he said tt’.
Clunk.
I can’t think if a speech impediment that would change trot into t w a t!‘Have you heard the one about a bloke with a speech impediment who said trot and a bloke thought he said t
t’. Clunk.
Lordbenny said:
I can’t think if a speech impediment that would change trot into t w a t!
Here’s the original (not very woke) joke, which was ‘Midget with a lisp’ until the grammar Nazis had a go at the OP.......A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?' said the owner. 'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?' The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies 'Her what?' 'Twot, can I see her twot,' the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff