Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[RJO]

Doofus said:

Pixelpeep 135 said:

A pun walks into a bar and kills 10 people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Twice in a week. We're up to 20 now.

So we may as well run it by again for those with short memorries....

The paper ran a competition with a prize for whoever sent in the best pun.

I sent in 10 hoping that one would win....


....but no pun in 10 did.

[glenrobbo]

Hugo a Gogo said:

Some people (eg Paulie Walnuts from the Sopranos) pronounce 'tt' like 'what' , ie 'twot'

A common speech impediment is R - W like Jonathan Ross

/Kittens etc

... and A - O is a common speech impediment with TeleTubbies...

[Mastiff]

ColinM50 said:

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £20 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"

Deserved a

[Fastchas]

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

[Blatter]

Fastchas said:

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

Some good ones in there.

Definitely worked with a few "Wicket keepers"

[Pixelpeep 135]

Blatter said:

Fastchas said:

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

Some good ones in there.

Definitely worked with a few "Wicket keepers"

'seagull manager' - flies in, craps over everything and flies off.
'Salmon day' - work hard all day just to find yourself in the same place as when you started
'Captain creosote' - sits on the fence about everything

[Phil Dicky]

You know when you’re on the toilet, and you suddenly realise there’s no toilet roll, so you do that silly ‘trousers down waddle walk’ to get a new one?

Well I’m nearly at Sainsbury's.😒

[Onelastattempt]

Pixelpeep 135 said:

Blatter said:

Fastchas said:

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

Some good ones in there.

Definitely worked with a few "Wicket keepers"

'seagull manager' - flies in, craps over everything and flies off.
'Salmon day' - work hard all day just to find yourself in the same place as when you started
'Captain creosote' - sits on the fence about everything

'Helicopter ' - hovers around all day.

[Onelastattempt]

Phil Dicky said:

You know when you’re on the toilet, and you suddenly realise there’s no toilet roll, so you do that silly ‘trousers down waddle walk’ to get a new one?

Well I’m nearly at Sainsbury's.??

[nc107]

Onelastattempt said:

Pixelpeep 135 said:

Blatter said:

Fastchas said:

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

Some good ones in there.

Definitely worked with a few "Wicket keepers"

'seagull manager' - flies in, craps over everything and flies off.
'Salmon day' - work hard all day just to find yourself in the same place as when you started
'Captain creosote' - sits on the fence about everything

'Helicopter ' - hovers around all day.

Brad, short for bradawl - small boring tool

[Abbott]

nc107 said:

Onelastattempt said:

Pixelpeep 135 said:

Blatter said:

Fastchas said:

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

Some good ones in there.

Definitely worked with a few "Wicket keepers"

'seagull manager' - flies in, craps over everything and flies off.
'Salmon day' - work hard all day just to find yourself in the same place as when you started
'Captain creosote' - sits on the fence about everything

'Helicopter ' - hovers around all day.

Brad, short for bradawl - small boring tool

"tt" - Only works the three middle days of the week

[Teddy Lop]

Abbott said:

nc107 said:

Onelastattempt said:

Pixelpeep 135 said:

Blatter said:

Fastchas said:

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

Some good ones in there.

Definitely worked with a few "Wicket keepers"

'seagull manager' - flies in, craps over everything and flies off.
'Salmon day' - work hard all day just to find yourself in the same place as when you started
'Captain creosote' - sits on the fence about everything

'Helicopter ' - hovers around all day.

Brad, short for bradawl - small boring tool

"tt" - Only works the three middle days of the week

"Amstrad" - brain like a computer - you have to punch information in.

[littleowl]

Teddy Lop said:

Abbott said:

nc107 said:

Onelastattempt said:

Pixelpeep 135 said:

Blatter said:

Fastchas said:

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

Some good ones in there.

Definitely worked with a few "Wicket keepers"

'seagull manager' - flies in, craps over everything and flies off.
'Salmon day' - work hard all day just to find yourself in the same place as when you started
'Captain creosote' - sits on the fence about everything

'Helicopter ' - hovers around all day.

Brad, short for bradawl - small boring tool

"tt" - Only works the three middle days of the week

"Amstrad" - brain like a computer - you have to punch information in.

Alison Moyet - a boss we never saw : 'Invsible'
Captain fkFlaps - a most inefficient manager.
The Time Burglar - someone who would waste your time talking crap when you were trying to get on with stuff.
Sir Bob - (as in Geldof). A bloke who didn't want to work on Mondays.
Sid the Sloth - accurate, as he resembled the Ice Age character in appearance & had the same worth ethic as an actual sloth.
Bungee-Knickers - a rather promiscuious young lady. Also known as 'Margarine Legs', ie: spreads easily.

[Sticks.]

We used to call someone Thrush, because he was an irritating .

If a girl was referred to as Titanic, it wasn't her size, but she went down first time out.

We used to call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he had superhuman powers but because he couldn't get out of the bath.

[Short Grain]

Phil Dicky said:

You know when you’re on the toilet, and you suddenly realise there’s no toilet roll, so you do that silly ‘trousers down waddle walk’ to get a new one?

Well I’m nearly at Sainsbury's.??

[kowalski655]

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender
”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat, I want everyone to eat!”
The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and everyone else, their meals
Just as everybody finishes their food, Jim again yells
”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, cause when I drink, I want everybody to drink!
Everyone is elated and cheers for Jim
When Jim is done with his drink, he yells, yet again
"Bring everybody their bill, because when I pay mine, I want everyone else to pay theirs '

And as a Vipers tribute.....thats when the fight started

[john2443]

littleowl said:

Bungee-Knickers - a rather promiscuous young lady. Also known as 'Margarine Legs', ie: spreads easily.

aka Flora

[AstonZagato]

littleowl said:

Teddy Lop said:

Abbott said:

nc107 said:

Onelastattempt said:

Pixelpeep 135 said:

Blatter said:

Fastchas said:

Nicknames for work colleagues;

"Wheelbarrow” - only works when pushed
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day and stinks
"Lantern" - not very bright, and has to be carried
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure
"G-spot" - you can never find him
"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes

Anyone got any more?

Some good ones in there.

Definitely worked with a few "Wicket keepers"

'seagull manager' - flies in, craps over everything and flies off.
'Salmon day' - work hard all day just to find yourself in the same place as when you started
'Captain creosote' - sits on the fence about everything

'Helicopter ' - hovers around all day.

Brad, short for bradawl - small boring tool

"tt" - Only works the three middle days of the week

"Amstrad" - brain like a computer - you have to punch information in.

Alison Moyet - a boss we never saw : 'Invsible'
Captain fkFlaps - a most inefficient manager.
The Time Burglar - someone who would waste your time talking crap when you were trying to get on with stuff.
Sir Bob - (as in Geldof). A bloke who didn't want to work on Mondays.
Sid the Sloth - accurate, as he resembled the Ice Age character in appearance & had the same worth ethic as an actual sloth.
Bungee-Knickers - a rather promiscuious young lady. Also known as 'Margarine Legs', ie: spreads easily.

There is someone in the automotive PR industry called Wayne Bruce. His nickname is Manbat.

[vaud]

AstonZagato said:

There is someone in the automotive PR industry called Wayne Bruce. His nickname is Manbat.

I thought you were joking but...

[anonymous-user]

vaud said:

AstonZagato said:

There is someone in the automotive PR industry called Wayne Bruce. His nickname is Manbat.

I thought you were joking but...

Wayne Bruce the 3rd ? Either he’s American or he’s Royalty.