Finding my birth mother
Discussion
whitesocks said:
sinbaddio said:
This is true. I have no regrets about being adopted. I was given a fairly privileged upbringing. It was indeed pressure from my biological mum's family that pushed her down the adoption route. But she was just 18 years old, living in the north from a working class family, carrying a mixed race child in 1972. My biological father did a runner back to India when he found out so she was basically on her own. My adoption case notes talk in length about the hurt she went through making this decision, but she was ousted from the family home and ended up in a women's refuge with no way out. Then she met my adopted parents to be, realised how much better my life would be and bit the bullet.
In my case notes there is a hand written from my dad to the case worker. It seems mt bio mum and the case worker took me to my childhood home and 'handed me over' so to speak. This letter states how they would understand if she wanted to have me back as they were distraught by how upset she was. Brutal way of doing things I guess (it's probably a bit more diplomatic these days).
To summarise, I have nothing but the upmost respect for the life choice my birth mother made to provide me with the best possible start. It wasn't for one moment an easy decision to make.
Do you have any contact with your Biological mum? And have you ever tried to trace your Biological Father?In my case notes there is a hand written from my dad to the case worker. It seems mt bio mum and the case worker took me to my childhood home and 'handed me over' so to speak. This letter states how they would understand if she wanted to have me back as they were distraught by how upset she was. Brutal way of doing things I guess (it's probably a bit more diplomatic these days).
To summarise, I have nothing but the upmost respect for the life choice my birth mother made to provide me with the best possible start. It wasn't for one moment an easy decision to make.
In terms of the father, he scooted off to India (he was a lot older - a surgeon in the hospital where she was a trainee nurse) and I don't recall his name but it's a typically generic name. I've looked for him briefly but to no avail.
The most interesting part of the journey for me was finally realising where certain traits come from. The case papers have detailed character descriptions and physical descriptions, and it explains an awful lot, but then that moves onto a whole discussion on nature v nurture and I don't want to derail the thread! You can read my findings here if anyone is interested
https://thepast-thepresent-future.blogspot.com/201...
sinbaddio said:
This is true. I have no regrets about being adopted.
I only found out my mum was adopted by mistake.* To all intents and purposes her adoptive parents were her parents and she had no interest in finding her birth mother.*She said something along the lines of "well you've always been a good mother to me" to her mum, and I said the same to her so my gran assumed I knew. It was a bit awkward when she brought it up later.
Just abit to add to this. (Writing this whilst sat in a hospital room whilst my wife is going into labour)
I feel massively privileged to have the parents I do, they weren’t wealthy by any means but I never missed out on anything and undoubtably have lived a much better life than I would do with my birth mother.
My Mum told me when she was going through the adoption process she met a couple that were going to be adopting a boy, she found they already had a boy and really wanted a girl. My mum was supposed to having a girl, been the person she is just wanted another child so they agreed to swap before taking delivery. I assume the paperwork wasn’t too hard to sort out back in them days.
How different my life could have been! I feel I defiantly got the best deal possible!
I feel massively privileged to have the parents I do, they weren’t wealthy by any means but I never missed out on anything and undoubtably have lived a much better life than I would do with my birth mother.
My Mum told me when she was going through the adoption process she met a couple that were going to be adopting a boy, she found they already had a boy and really wanted a girl. My mum was supposed to having a girl, been the person she is just wanted another child so they agreed to swap before taking delivery. I assume the paperwork wasn’t too hard to sort out back in them days.
How different my life could have been! I feel I defiantly got the best deal possible!
selwonk said:
I've done it now. I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what might be. It's done with. Before my mother-in-law died earlier this year, she always jokingly threatened to go round and give her a piece of her mind. I'm afraid I'm not like that; what's done is done and I doubt that I will do anything more in the future.
So, I wish you all the best, OP. Go into it with an open mind and I hope it works out for you. If nothing else, it will stop all the "What ifs...".
Cheers.
Not quoting the entire post as its already been quoted a couple of times on this page.So, I wish you all the best, OP. Go into it with an open mind and I hope it works out for you. If nothing else, it will stop all the "What ifs...".
Cheers.
It's exactly how I feel though. I am not looking for any great relationship and a return of the lost son scenario, just to know who my birth mother is. I think I will have significantly greater regret, wondering about the unknown in my later life if I don't try.
My mum and dad are the people that put shoes on my feet and food on the table. They always will be. I have no animosity whatsoever towards my birth mother (and that probably is something I want to let her know if she is sill around), as I don't know the position she was in and social attitudes have changed significantly in the last 50 years. It is likely to have been a tough decision.
Be careful what you wish for. I was pressured into finding out about my past but not meeting my birth mother. Ended up talking to a judge who wouldn't show me the papers but read them to me. A very surreal four hour experience. He began by telling me he needed to assess if I would be able to deal with what the file contained. That got my attention.
One little detail was that I was removed from my birth mother after being systematically burned with cigarettes all over my (two year old) body. There was a lot more.
So, in addition to my immeasurable love and loyalty for my adoptive mother, there's a good reason for not wanting to meet my birth mother. I would quite probably throw her out of a window if I got the chance. Of course, I could use the opportunity to gently enquire what motivated her to torture a toddler but nah, f
k that.
One little detail was that I was removed from my birth mother after being systematically burned with cigarettes all over my (two year old) body. There was a lot more.
So, in addition to my immeasurable love and loyalty for my adoptive mother, there's a good reason for not wanting to meet my birth mother. I would quite probably throw her out of a window if I got the chance. Of course, I could use the opportunity to gently enquire what motivated her to torture a toddler but nah, f
k that. That's the most shocking and incredibly sad story. I can't imagine how you even begin to process that. Thank God you were rescued in time and thank God your adoptive mum was there to step in.
It's actually quite reassuring that the judge dealt with it as sensitively as he did. Very sad that you were pressured into going there in the first place tho'.
It's actually quite reassuring that the judge dealt with it as sensitively as he did. Very sad that you were pressured into going there in the first place tho'.
I think I might have mentioned this in here before.
A bloke I used to work with, went through the trouble of finding his biological father after years of searching. He was over the moon, ecstatic, when he found him. But that soon turned to revulsion when he discovered that his dad was in nick for fiddling with children in the mid 70s.
A bloke I used to work with, went through the trouble of finding his biological father after years of searching. He was over the moon, ecstatic, when he found him. But that soon turned to revulsion when he discovered that his dad was in nick for fiddling with children in the mid 70s.
whitesocks said:
I think I might have mentioned this in here before.
A bloke I used to work with, went through the trouble of finding his biological father after years of searching. He was over the moon, ecstatic, when he found him. But that soon turned to revulsion when he discovered that his dad was in nick for fiddling with children in the mid 70s.
You do have a habit of repeating yourself in threads. A bloke I used to work with, went through the trouble of finding his biological father after years of searching. He was over the moon, ecstatic, when he found him. But that soon turned to revulsion when he discovered that his dad was in nick for fiddling with children in the mid 70s.
Bluesgirl said:
That's the most shocking and incredibly sad story. I can't imagine how you even begin to process that. Thank God you were rescued in time and thank God your adoptive mum was there to step in.
It's actually quite reassuring that the judge dealt with it as sensitively as he did. Very sad that you were pressured into going there in the first place tho'.
Like most people, it's a DIY job. Not everything the judge told me was a surprise but it explained some aspects of my character and personality. I know it has made me cynical and both affectionate and fearful of rejection. I get exceptionally angry over child or animal cruelty. You learn that people can't abide feedback on their parenting or pet-keeping skills and that many regard gross intimidation and violence as perfectly acceptable.It's actually quite reassuring that the judge dealt with it as sensitively as he did. Very sad that you were pressured into going there in the first place tho'.
It isn't one of those things where you write all the angst on a piece of paper, screw it into a ball and throw it away and are reset. Pressured might have been too strong a word but it just seemed like the easiest way to deal with one or two people that kept making me feel I should find out 'the facts'. I think a common perception that I fell victim to is that birth mothers wouldn't give up a child unless it was forced on them and that they must automatically love their child.
The OP and anyone else should approach the subject with great caution. I'm not sure learning what I did produced any net gain. The jury is out on that and it may remain so for a considerable time!
I find it's the parents who acknowledge that parenting is challenging and so they actively look for help, advice, support etc - they're the ones who do a good job. Whereas the ones who don't want to admit they could be wrong, or "a bit of bullying/a slap here and there never did me any harm" are the ones who can't face criticism and blame everyone else/the system etc.
A few years ago, an acquaintance of mine happily told me that she and her partner were trying for a baby. He was and still is an unemployed drug addict and she has severe mental and physical health problems. He lives off her benefits. They have no family network and very few friends. I told her in no uncertain terms about some of the realities of parenting. I'm not sure how or why she thought having a baby would be a good idea, but as far as I'm aware the idea was shelved, fortunately.
A few years ago, an acquaintance of mine happily told me that she and her partner were trying for a baby. He was and still is an unemployed drug addict and she has severe mental and physical health problems. He lives off her benefits. They have no family network and very few friends. I told her in no uncertain terms about some of the realities of parenting. I'm not sure how or why she thought having a baby would be a good idea, but as far as I'm aware the idea was shelved, fortunately.
xjay1337 said:
GloverMart said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
GloverMart said:
Me? I've just got a hole now that won't be properly filled till I find out what happened or where my brother is. I have no idea who my Dad is either, just feel these days like a small boat bobbing around in the ocean.
Why? You've got your own children and grandchildren. You're not a small boat, you're a fking ocean going liner, and your kids and granddkids are the lifeboats that wouldn't exist if it weren't for you. When you're out driving, just the odd glance in the rear view mirror is fine. If you become obsessed by it, you'll crash into the bloke ahead. Where you've come from isn't important. Just enjoy where you are and look forward to where you're going.
But all the best in whatever you decide to do
The case worker from the former adoption agency has been working for free these past 18 months as a bit of a personal mission to find the end of the story. She was the one that has done so much of the spadework on my case.... anyway, last Thursday she wrote to my brother's adoptive dad introducing herself (and me) and asking him to give it some thought about possibly making some sort of contact with her and then later on, me. She purposely wrote it on a Thursday so he would get it later in the week, have the chance to read it over the weekend then maybe contact us.
He rang her this morning and said he'd like me to ring him on Wednesday. He welcomes the contact and he has given my case worker and I some more details about my brother. As I mentioned the jigsaw before, I will say that I will never have all the pieces sadly but I might have enough to form a picture.
Mojooo said:
It would burn me up not knowing who my parents were if i was adopted and even if they said no contact, if I knew who they were, at the very least I would stalk them out for a while and probably contact them anyway.
No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
No doubt that’s why there’s nearly always an intermediary organisation involved - they’re there to protect both sides from unwanted contact.No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
GloverMart - that’s good news - I really hope that the conversation goes well tomorrow and you manage to fill in some more gaps. The fact that he’s asked you to call shows he wants some sort of contact, which is encouraging. Fingers crossed. How kind of the case worker to keep digging away at this on your behalf for free too.
Bluesgirl said:
Mojooo said:
It would burn me up not knowing who my parents were if i was adopted and even if they said no contact, if I knew who they were, at the very least I would stalk them out for a while and probably contact them anyway.
No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
No doubt that’s why there’s nearly always an intermediary organisation involved - they’re there to protect both sides from unwanted contact.No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
GloverMart - that’s good news - I really hope that the conversation goes well tomorrow and you manage to fill in some more gaps. The fact that he’s asked you to call shows he wants some sort of contact, which is encouraging. Fingers crossed. How kind of the case worker to keep digging away at this on your behalf for free too.
When I discovered I had a brother, I went to the intermediary agency After Adoption and she was the case worker I was given. She showed immense amounts of empathy right from day one but unfortunately, AA went into administration with only three days notice, she lost her job and I lost my money (about £125 although they had done some of the work).
Many of the redundant staff had excellent skill sets so she was taken on by a new agency who don't actually do the intermediary side of things. After she recovered from a nasty bout of COVID, she spoke to her supervisor and asked if she could follow my case through until the end and the supervisor agreed. She had to bring in a specialist tracer which I had to pay for (fair enough!!) but from the moment AA went bust, she has owed me nothing but kept going.
She's an angel.
Bluesgirl said:
Mojooo said:
It would burn me up not knowing who my parents were if i was adopted and even if they said no contact, if I knew who they were, at the very least I would stalk them out for a while and probably contact them anyway.
No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
No doubt that’s why there’s nearly always an intermediary organisation involved - they’re there to protect both sides from unwanted contact.No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
Mojooo said:
It would burn me up not knowing who my parents were if i was adopted and even if they said no contact, if I knew who they were, at the very least I would stalk them out for a while and probably contact them anyway.
No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
That's because it's something you cannot comprehend until you are in that position. Like becoming a parent or witnessing a murder. You might think you know how you'd feel. You don't.No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
Taylor James said:
Mojooo said:
It would burn me up not knowing who my parents were if i was adopted and even if they said no contact, if I knew who they were, at the very least I would stalk them out for a while and probably contact them anyway.
No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
That's because it's something you cannot comprehend until you are in that position. Like becoming a parent or witnessing a murder. You might think you know how you'd feel. You don't.No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
Oddly enough, she became a social worker, very much one of the ones who has to intervene in tricky parenting situations - she very quickly decided to leave well enough alone as she sees first hand the reasons many kids are put up for adoption.
Taylor James said:
Mojooo said:
It would burn me up not knowing who my parents were if i was adopted and even if they said no contact, if I knew who they were, at the very least I would stalk them out for a while and probably contact them anyway.
No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
That's because it's something you cannot comprehend until you are in that position. Like becoming a parent or witnessing a murder. You might think you know how you'd feel. You don't.No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
Bluesgirl said:
Mojooo said:
It would burn me up not knowing who my parents were if i was adopted and even if they said no contact, if I knew who they were, at the very least I would stalk them out for a while and probably contact them anyway.
No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
No doubt that’s why there’s nearly always an intermediary organisation involved - they’re there to protect both sides from unwanted contact.No idea how people on here can wait 15-20 years.
GloverMart - that’s good news - I really hope that the conversation goes well tomorrow and you manage to fill in some more gaps. The fact that he’s asked you to call shows he wants some sort of contact, which is encouraging. Fingers crossed. How kind of the case worker to keep digging away at this on your behalf for free too.
Had an hour long phone conversation with my late brother's adoptive dad and his wife this morning. Went very well and I've picked up lots of information about him which is helping me a lot. I've sent some photos to them via email and they are going to send some by return to me. One pic I have seen online, he was very like me to look at (poor bloke!), loved his football and cricket and we seem to have shared some character traits too.
They have also asked if, when COVID restrictions ease, we could meet up. I'd be delighted to, this (so far) has turned out better than I hoped. i also hope they are getting something from it too.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Exactly right. People who give up a child for adoption have the right to live out the rest of their lives in peace, without unwanted contact from the child. In the same way an adopted child is entitled to keep well clear of their birth parents, should they wish to.
"People who give up a child for adoption have the right to live out the rest of their lives in peace"Not sure I agree TBH... you do the crime you do the time as they say.
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