Finding my birth mother

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Tyre Smoke said:

Taylor James said:

Tyre Smoke said:

Even in that circumstance there may be a desire for the child to find their birth mother. Similarly, the mother may feel maternal instinct and want to meet their child.

My mother was pressurised into giving me up ( single, young, unmarried, mid 1960s) but never kept me a secret or 'hid me away'. My youngest half sister tells me my birthday was her bank card pin.

So, yes in the example above the mother may want to move on and put a horrible experience behind her, but the child won't know they were the product of rape and may want to meet their mother.

Tough. We all have to live with not being able to get everything we want.

Wow. What a disgusting comment.

Nope, he's pretty much spot on.

[Taylor James]

Tyre Smoke said:

Taylor James said:

Tyre Smoke said:

Even in that circumstance there may be a desire for the child to find their birth mother. Similarly, the mother may feel maternal instinct and want to meet their child.

My mother was pressurised into giving me up ( single, young, unmarried, mid 1960s) but never kept me a secret or 'hid me away'. My youngest half sister tells me my birthday was her bank card pin.

So, yes in the example above the mother may want to move on and put a horrible experience behind her, but the child won't know they were the product of rape and may want to meet their mother.

Tough. We all have to live with not being able to get everything we want.

Wow. What a disgusting comment.

Correct me if I'm wrong but you appear to believe that the child's wishes trump those of the biological mother. You are perfectly entitled to believe that. I disagree profoundly and believe that both parties must agree to a meeting.

Hopefully you understand that I would wish my sentiments to be expressed in altogether more sympathetic terms but I was stating a principle, not a guide to telling kids how to suck it up. But I'm sure you knew that.

[Tyre Smoke]

You would be incorrect.

I agree both parties must be in agreement before a meeting can take place.

However, you imply that a child should have no right to find their birth mother.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Tyre Smoke said:

You would be incorrect.

I agree both parties must be in agreement before a meeting can take place.

However, you imply that a child should have no right to find their birth mother.

One party has to have the right to get some info on the other, because if not, they could never be able make contact, even if they both wanted to. But the birth mother, having given up the child for adoption, has the absolute right to reject any request for contact, and is doing nothing wrong if that's what she decides.

[Taylor James]

Tyre Smoke said:

You would be incorrect.

I agree both parties must be in agreement before a meeting can take place.

However, you imply that a child should have no right to find their birth mother.

Yep, that's exactly what I'm saying.

[Mojooo]

My phrasing of 'do the crime do the time' probably wasn't the best. I am not suggesting a literal crime occurred but rather an act. And if you do that act you live with the consequence. I though the phrase was commonly used like that.

What I mean is - you bring a child into this world - don't moan if they try and find you

IMO the rights of the child do trump the rights of the mother (if you want to call them rights).

In extreme cases like rape - yes its sad, but I am not sure ultimately it makes a difference to my view. To be brutal, in many cases the baby could be aborted. Is it better to abort the child? Maybe not. But don't be surprised when that child comes looking.

That is not to say the mother has to care if the child comes. I am just saying I have no beef with someone who insists on finding their mother regardless.

[Tyre Smoke]

Taylor James said:

Tyre Smoke said:

You would be incorrect.

I agree both parties must be in agreement before a meeting can take place.

However, you imply that a child should have no right to find their birth mother.

Yep, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Which is a fundamental birth right and human right. So in that I vehemently disagree with you.

[Taylor James]

Tyre Smoke said:

Taylor James said:

Tyre Smoke said:

You would be incorrect.

I agree both parties must be in agreement before a meeting can take place.

However, you imply that a child should have no right to find their birth mother.

Yep, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Which is a fundamental birth right and human right. So in that I vehemently disagree with you.

My understanding is that in the UK people have the right to see their birth certificate but no more than that.

If there's legislation that can compel a birth parent to speak or otherwise have contact with the adopted child I'd like to see it.

[Tyre Smoke]

That isn't what I've said or implied. I've been quite clear. The child has a fundamental right to trace it's birth mother. Whether that results in a meeting is for both parties to decide.

[Taylor James]

Tyre Smoke said:

That isn't what I've said or implied. I've been quite clear. The child has a fundamental right to trace it's birth mother. Whether that results in a meeting is for both parties to decide.

Of course a child has a right to do anything that's legal, including trying to trace its parent(s). The right to trace a birth parent then needs to translate into practical action if that's what the child wants. Clearly the right becomes academic if the parent isn't interested. That's what I'm saying is tough. No law or right can make a parent engage with the child and rightly so in my opinion.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

What an immense thread - it's moved me in so many ways (really affected me reading some of the descriptions of people's lives and I've been really unhappy with some of the comments but perhaps tone is sometimes lost when writing and they haven't meant to come across as so harsh/abrupt).

Some of the things that have happened to people, some of the decisions, the agony, the ecstasy, the recriminations and regret and deep, deep hurt; it's all come out in this thread. There's been a little bit of joy too, which is good, which is needed. I was hoping to read about happily-ever-afterwards but like much of life, simply hasn't happened.

But this thread; this is what makes PH great.

[Tyre Smoke]

Taylor James said:

Tyre Smoke said:

That isn't what I've said or implied. I've been quite clear. The child has a fundamental right to trace it's birth mother. Whether that results in a meeting is for both parties to decide.

Of course a child has a right to do anything that's legal, including trying to trace its parent(s). The right to trace a birth parent then needs to translate into practical action if that's what the child wants. Clearly the right becomes academic if the parent isn't interested. That's what I'm saying is tough. No law or right can make a parent engage with the child and rightly so in my opinion.

Nobody was suggesting otherwise. But I think you have been incredibly insensitive to those of us that were adopted and traced or want to trace our birth mother. Some of the language and phrases you have used have been crass and insulting.

[Taylor James]

Tyre Smoke said:

Taylor James said:

Tyre Smoke said:

That isn't what I've said or implied. I've been quite clear. The child has a fundamental right to trace it's birth mother. Whether that results in a meeting is for both parties to decide.

Of course a child has a right to do anything that's legal, including trying to trace its parent(s). The right to trace a birth parent then needs to translate into practical action if that's what the child wants. Clearly the right becomes academic if the parent isn't interested. That's what I'm saying is tough. No law or right can make a parent engage with the child and rightly so in my opinion.

Nobody was suggesting otherwise. But I think you have been incredibly insensitive to those of us that were adopted and traced or want to trace our birth mother. Some of the language and phrases you have used have been crass and insulting.

Which ones?

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Mojooo said:

My phrasing of 'do the crime do the time' probably wasn't the best. I am not suggesting a literal crime occurred but rather an act. And if you do that act you live with the consequence. I though the phrase was commonly used like that.

What I mean is - you bring a child into this world - don't moan if they try and find you

IMO the rights of the child do trump the rights of the mother (if you want to call them rights).

In extreme cases like rape - yes its sad, but I am not sure ultimately it makes a difference to my view.

Well fortunately the law, along with most fair minded, empathetic people, disagree with you.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Tyre Smoke said:

But I think you have been incredibly insensitive to those of us that were adopted and traced or want to trace our birth mother. Some of the language and phrases you have used have been crass and insulting.

I think any woman reading this thread, who has given up a child for adoption, has far more cause to complain about insensitivity, plus crass and insulting phrases.

[Riley Blue]

I think this thread has taken an unfortunate turn

[whitesocks]

As normal for PH

[MrBig]

What a shame. I was genuinely interested in contributing here given my experiences but I think I'll leave it now

[sinbaddio]

MrBig said:

What a shame. I was genuinely interested in contributing here given my experiences but I think I'll leave it now

Please do and we can get back on track. I’m genuinely interested in other people’s experiences. I actually find it amazing how many people are adopted, which is a great thing. As an adopted child growing up in the 70’s/80’s it was obviously far more prevalent than I realised.

[Bluesgirl]

I'm grateful to the posters who've shared their stories on here. Some of them must have been difficult to revisit. I've learned something new - I genuinely had no idea that an adopted child could get support to locate their birth mother without the mother's approval. Tyre Smoke has done that and I hope it's helped him, although I realise that she'd already died and wonder if that was a factor in the release of information. It's only by discussing these things that we learn about other people's lives and the difficulties they face. It is an education and it certainly puts things into perspective.