Finding my birth mother
Discussion
Long post!
My wife was adopted. We had relatively little information to go on, but had birth mothers name, approx age and place of birth.
Around 2012 we spent a few days in London, at the National library and London Archives. From here we found enough information to start back filling Genes Reunited. Using this along with 192.com and Social Media, we found an almost undeniable Mother and sisters - including the sisters addresses!
We sent a letter to the sisters, who took a little while to reply, but the response was that the mum was ill and in no place to discuss such matters. We had a later reply that we were looking for the wrong person.
Last year, an email arrived. Time had moved on, and the believed sister had found out more. The situation with the ‘wrong person’ was that her Aunt had also given up a child, which she was aware of and had assumed was my wife. But the Aunts daughter turned up earlier in the year, which made her question who my wife was! She pushed her Mum further, until the full story unfolded.
My wife & I met her half sister last year and shortly after her Mum and step dad. Since then she’s had further phone contact with her Mum and built a good relationship with her Sister. Her Mum confirmed her Dad was a one night stand and she has no information about him at all - a total dead end.
The sister suggested an Ancestory DNA test, to get some more info on heritage and through this a DNA match turned up a few weeks back on her Dads side - a half Aunt. Lots of info back and forth, and a couple of weeks later her Dads on the phone! He was made up and accepted her straight away despite having another family. He and his wife came down last weekend to meet face to face.
It’s still bizarre for me, when I met my wife she had no one to call family. Through the wonders of science and technology I now have in laws and she’s always on the phone to someone. Whilst she’s unlikely to ever call them Mum or Dad, I’m absolutely made up for her that they all seem like decent people with an actual interest in her - it could’ve been very different.
TL:DR: wife found birth parents, success story.
My wife was adopted. We had relatively little information to go on, but had birth mothers name, approx age and place of birth.
Around 2012 we spent a few days in London, at the National library and London Archives. From here we found enough information to start back filling Genes Reunited. Using this along with 192.com and Social Media, we found an almost undeniable Mother and sisters - including the sisters addresses!
We sent a letter to the sisters, who took a little while to reply, but the response was that the mum was ill and in no place to discuss such matters. We had a later reply that we were looking for the wrong person.
Last year, an email arrived. Time had moved on, and the believed sister had found out more. The situation with the ‘wrong person’ was that her Aunt had also given up a child, which she was aware of and had assumed was my wife. But the Aunts daughter turned up earlier in the year, which made her question who my wife was! She pushed her Mum further, until the full story unfolded.
My wife & I met her half sister last year and shortly after her Mum and step dad. Since then she’s had further phone contact with her Mum and built a good relationship with her Sister. Her Mum confirmed her Dad was a one night stand and she has no information about him at all - a total dead end.
The sister suggested an Ancestory DNA test, to get some more info on heritage and through this a DNA match turned up a few weeks back on her Dads side - a half Aunt. Lots of info back and forth, and a couple of weeks later her Dads on the phone! He was made up and accepted her straight away despite having another family. He and his wife came down last weekend to meet face to face.
It’s still bizarre for me, when I met my wife she had no one to call family. Through the wonders of science and technology I now have in laws and she’s always on the phone to someone. Whilst she’s unlikely to ever call them Mum or Dad, I’m absolutely made up for her that they all seem like decent people with an actual interest in her - it could’ve been very different.
TL:DR: wife found birth parents, success story.
I have had bad experience from this.
Decided aged 30 to find my birth mother. All seemed fine and dandy, a nice lady and seeing my half brothers and sisters and how similar they were to me even down to the smallest detail was amazing. But after spending a lot of time with them, almost every other weekend I started to feel disrespectful to my mum that has brought me up the last 30years, I really struggled with it so cut all contact. Part of it was also down to how much attention I was getting from my birth mother, I could see she was over the moon that I found her but it got too much, constant texting calling etc. I think they fact she put me into adoption probably haunted her abit.
I know it sounds harsh but I don’t feel too bad about it, she ditched me at birth so touché.
Decided aged 30 to find my birth mother. All seemed fine and dandy, a nice lady and seeing my half brothers and sisters and how similar they were to me even down to the smallest detail was amazing. But after spending a lot of time with them, almost every other weekend I started to feel disrespectful to my mum that has brought me up the last 30years, I really struggled with it so cut all contact. Part of it was also down to how much attention I was getting from my birth mother, I could see she was over the moon that I found her but it got too much, constant texting calling etc. I think they fact she put me into adoption probably haunted her abit.
I know it sounds harsh but I don’t feel too bad about it, she ditched me at birth so touché.
Did this last year through a tracing agency, sadly my birth mother passed away a good few years ago from cancer, but found 2 sisters, one full and one half sister.
I have since met them a few times and we are in communication regularly, but they are not what I was expecting in my perfect dream.
One is a bit weird in her thoughts and opinions and the other is a raving alcoholic loonie still trying to live her teenage years out, despite being 43yrs old.
Its not been all that easy if I am being honest.
In the 4 or 5 times we have met, its been me travelling 250 miles to meet them, every single time, out for drinks, meals and me ending up paying for the lot, every time.
Despite there excitement initially of me tracing them, and them wanting me to find them after all these years, its not been all a bed of roses.
I have since met them a few times and we are in communication regularly, but they are not what I was expecting in my perfect dream.
One is a bit weird in her thoughts and opinions and the other is a raving alcoholic loonie still trying to live her teenage years out, despite being 43yrs old.
Its not been all that easy if I am being honest.
In the 4 or 5 times we have met, its been me travelling 250 miles to meet them, every single time, out for drinks, meals and me ending up paying for the lot, every time.
Despite there excitement initially of me tracing them, and them wanting me to find them after all these years, its not been all a bed of roses.
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hstewie said:
hstewie said: Interesting thread and not something most people ever have to think about.
Firstly best of luck
I can't put myself in your shoes but I guess one of my first thoughts was 62 years seems a long time to wait.
Tell me mind my own but I'm curious why now?
Mmmmmm I see quite a number of people are wondering why I've left it so long, it's difficult to answer and unless you've been adopted yourself you might not understand. Firstly best of luck
I can't put myself in your shoes but I guess one of my first thoughts was 62 years seems a long time to wait.
Tell me mind my own but I'm curious why now?
I've only known Mum and Dad, they are my 'real parents' and they have been fantastic to me and my elder sister. For a long time though I've thought about finding my birth mother, but I've felt a bit guilty, what I didn't want to do was upset my parents into thinking I wanted a substitute for them. Hope this makes sense.
With this covid 19 hanging over us it's difficult to get to see Mum (Dad passed away 10 years ago), but I managed to see her this past weekend. Just by chance in conversation we dropped onto adoption and I thought this is a good a time as any to ask if she would mind if I searched for my birth mother.
Thankfully she's happy with it and supportive too.
PPEhero said:
I have had bad experience from this.
Decided aged 30 to find my birth mother. All seemed fine and dandy, a nice lady and seeing my half brothers and sisters and how similar they were to me even down to the smallest detail was amazing. But after spending a lot of time with them, almost every other weekend I started to feel disrespectful to my mum that has brought me up the last 30years, I really struggled with it so cut all contact. Part of it was also down to how much attention I was getting from my birth mother, I could see she was over the moon that I found her but it got too much, constant texting calling etc. I think they fact she put me into adoption probably haunted her abit.
I know it sounds harsh but I don’t feel too bad about it, she ditched me at birth so touché.
I understand that, I felt terrible telling my (adopted) parents that I had found my other mum, it was a similar feeling to telling someone you are cheating on them!Decided aged 30 to find my birth mother. All seemed fine and dandy, a nice lady and seeing my half brothers and sisters and how similar they were to me even down to the smallest detail was amazing. But after spending a lot of time with them, almost every other weekend I started to feel disrespectful to my mum that has brought me up the last 30years, I really struggled with it so cut all contact. Part of it was also down to how much attention I was getting from my birth mother, I could see she was over the moon that I found her but it got too much, constant texting calling etc. I think they fact she put me into adoption probably haunted her abit.
I know it sounds harsh but I don’t feel too bad about it, she ditched me at birth so touché.
Adoptions from 60 odd years ago were very much based on the morals of the day. It was scandalous, shameful and very difficult to be a single mother, so it can be difficult to connect for that very same reason. Conversely they can also be throughly decent.
Trying to find out at 40 or under might be an entirely different proposition, in that adoptions from this time weren't shame based, nor were they on the whole really voluntary, they are children who are wanted, but who the family can't care for them adequately for some reason or other. So often an initial reunion may be successful, but being the people they are (generalizing here) they can't meet the needs of their birth children.
Each local authority has to keep records about adoption 100+ years, I'd start from there as they can help you further.
The genealogy sites with DNA swabs are also very useful.
I can also see why it has taken 60 odd years, as adoptees often feel they are being disloyal to their adoptive parents by looking for their birth family.
As an adoptive parent we've been fairly open without being derogatory about the circumstances of our kid's birth mum, and when the time comes we can give details of their birth dad and the 6 or 7 much older half siblings. I think the connection with siblings can often be more important than with birth parents.
Good luck with your search.
Trying to find out at 40 or under might be an entirely different proposition, in that adoptions from this time weren't shame based, nor were they on the whole really voluntary, they are children who are wanted, but who the family can't care for them adequately for some reason or other. So often an initial reunion may be successful, but being the people they are (generalizing here) they can't meet the needs of their birth children.
Each local authority has to keep records about adoption 100+ years, I'd start from there as they can help you further.
The genealogy sites with DNA swabs are also very useful.
I can also see why it has taken 60 odd years, as adoptees often feel they are being disloyal to their adoptive parents by looking for their birth family.
As an adoptive parent we've been fairly open without being derogatory about the circumstances of our kid's birth mum, and when the time comes we can give details of their birth dad and the 6 or 7 much older half siblings. I think the connection with siblings can often be more important than with birth parents.
Good luck with your search.
I went searching for my birth mother a few years ago. A mixture of getting your original birth certificate which contains your Mother's name and birth place and then detective work from there. I used a combination of the internet, some helpful people on Scoobynet (that shows how long ago it was!) and really just searching all available places. That includes Facebook (Friends reunited at the time was an equivalent), calling a few places. I could probably have short cut it all by hiring a private detective for a few hundred pounds.
Go into it with your eyes open: What happened to me is I managed to trace the house, get a phone number and called to speak to my presumably birth Auntie (sister of my Mother). She went away, spoke to her and said "Don't ever contact us again, she has a life now and doesn't want it disturbed with the past. You have a half sister". That hurt A LOT.
I still occasionally think about tracking down my half-sister.
I wish you luck.
Go into it with your eyes open: What happened to me is I managed to trace the house, get a phone number and called to speak to my presumably birth Auntie (sister of my Mother). She went away, spoke to her and said "Don't ever contact us again, she has a life now and doesn't want it disturbed with the past. You have a half sister". That hurt A LOT.
I still occasionally think about tracking down my half-sister.
I wish you luck.
I’ve known I was adopted since I was old enough to understand what it meant. I couldn’t have wished for better parents and it’s been a few years since they died. I don’t think I could have considered looking for my birth mother when they were alive. I have given this a lot of thought and whilst I would really like to know more about my background, I am struggling balancing satisfying my curiosity against the potential upset I could cause by making contact with my birth mother then not wanting any kind of relationship with her.
Mixed bag here.
She had an unusual set of names so it was fairly easy to track her down. Wrote her a letter and she called but seems the husband put pressure on her not to have any more contact. My half sister hasn’t responded to any contact, probably because of her dad too.
On the flip side, I’ve been in touch with her sister, my aunt, and it seems the whole family knew, including cousins, and wondered if I would ever get in touch. Met up with them a few times and seeing them again next weekend. Apparently my half sister was probably the only one who didn’t know.
My father wasn’t named on the birth certificate but my aunt had an idea who it might be. He died about 13 years ago so not much chance to confirm.
She had an unusual set of names so it was fairly easy to track her down. Wrote her a letter and she called but seems the husband put pressure on her not to have any more contact. My half sister hasn’t responded to any contact, probably because of her dad too.
On the flip side, I’ve been in touch with her sister, my aunt, and it seems the whole family knew, including cousins, and wondered if I would ever get in touch. Met up with them a few times and seeing them again next weekend. Apparently my half sister was probably the only one who didn’t know.
My father wasn’t named on the birth certificate but my aunt had an idea who it might be. He died about 13 years ago so not much chance to confirm.
An elderly friend, who grew up in a orphanage, asked me to help her find out if she had any relatives. She had a copy of her birth certificate and that was it.
The only possible lead on Ancestry.com had the forenames reversed. I found a few names of siblings and searched for them, then one possible uncle came up on a 'Just Giving' page with a photo. His face was so similar to my friend that it was uncanny. Sadly he was pictured as he had died and the collection was for a charity donation in his memory. It did give me some leads for other members of the family though, so I found a few of them on Facebook and sent off messages. There was no response initially, as the first person I contacted, I later found out, was understandably suspicious. Eventually one of the others got in contact, and from that we found my friend did actually have quite a large extended family, and even a couple of pictures of her mother.
My friend had several meetings with her 'new' family and was very happy to get to know them for the two or three years before she died.
Having done the research, and made the initial contact, some advice I can offer is;
The only possible lead on Ancestry.com had the forenames reversed. I found a few names of siblings and searched for them, then one possible uncle came up on a 'Just Giving' page with a photo. His face was so similar to my friend that it was uncanny. Sadly he was pictured as he had died and the collection was for a charity donation in his memory. It did give me some leads for other members of the family though, so I found a few of them on Facebook and sent off messages. There was no response initially, as the first person I contacted, I later found out, was understandably suspicious. Eventually one of the others got in contact, and from that we found my friend did actually have quite a large extended family, and even a couple of pictures of her mother.
My friend had several meetings with her 'new' family and was very happy to get to know them for the two or three years before she died.
Having done the research, and made the initial contact, some advice I can offer is;
- Be aware that a message out of the blue is likely to be regarded as a scam.
- Not all members of a family are interested in finding out if they have unknown relatives, so contact as many as you can.
- Be polite and deferential - I wrote that I would completely understand if they did not wish to make contact, and that it could be a delicate matter
- Give them traceable information, so they can independently verify who you are. I gave my landline phone number and my home address, plus my friend's forenames and her mother's full name.
- Don't expect to get all the answers. We never did find out why my friend's family gave her to an orphanage. Her mother died young of TB, but for whatever reason, poverty, perceived shame, etc. her parents did not keep their grandchild.
Joat said:
Mmmmmm I see quite a number of people are wondering why I've left it so long, it's difficult to answer and unless you've been adopted yourself you might not understand.
I've only known Mum and Dad, they are my 'real parents' and they have been fantastic to me and my elder sister. For a long time though I've thought about finding my birth mother, but I've felt a bit guilty, what I didn't want to do was upset my parents into thinking I wanted a substitute for them. Hope this makes sense.
With this covid 19 hanging over us it's difficult to get to see Mum (Dad passed away 10 years ago), but I managed to see her this past weekend. Just by chance in conversation we dropped onto adoption and I thought this is a good a time as any to ask if she would mind if I searched for my birth mother.
Thankfully she's happy with it and supportive too.
That makes perfect sense and you're quite right it's not something I can understand as I literally have no experience of it.I've only known Mum and Dad, they are my 'real parents' and they have been fantastic to me and my elder sister. For a long time though I've thought about finding my birth mother, but I've felt a bit guilty, what I didn't want to do was upset my parents into thinking I wanted a substitute for them. Hope this makes sense.
With this covid 19 hanging over us it's difficult to get to see Mum (Dad passed away 10 years ago), but I managed to see her this past weekend. Just by chance in conversation we dropped onto adoption and I thought this is a good a time as any to ask if she would mind if I searched for my birth mother.
Thankfully she's happy with it and supportive too.
This threads been a bit of an eye opener.
Best of luck with it
hucumber said:
PPEhero said:
I have had bad experience from this.
Decided aged 30 to find my birth mother. All seemed fine and dandy, a nice lady and seeing my half brothers and sisters and how similar they were to me even down to the smallest detail was amazing. But after spending a lot of time with them, almost every other weekend I started to feel disrespectful to my mum that has brought me up the last 30years, I really struggled with it so cut all contact. Part of it was also down to how much attention I was getting from my birth mother, I could see she was over the moon that I found her but it got too much, constant texting calling etc. I think they fact she put me into adoption probably haunted her abit.
I know it sounds harsh but I don’t feel too bad about it, she ditched me at birth so touché.
I understand that, I felt terrible telling my (adopted) parents that I had found my other mum, it was a similar feeling to telling someone you are cheating on them!Decided aged 30 to find my birth mother. All seemed fine and dandy, a nice lady and seeing my half brothers and sisters and how similar they were to me even down to the smallest detail was amazing. But after spending a lot of time with them, almost every other weekend I started to feel disrespectful to my mum that has brought me up the last 30years, I really struggled with it so cut all contact. Part of it was also down to how much attention I was getting from my birth mother, I could see she was over the moon that I found her but it got too much, constant texting calling etc. I think they fact she put me into adoption probably haunted her abit.
I know it sounds harsh but I don’t feel too bad about it, she ditched me at birth so touché.
Inside, I don't think so, therefore it's not going to happen. Good luck OP.
Good luck OP, keep us updated.
Not quite the same as an adoption, but my mum found out her dad (a soldier) wasn't her biological father. Her dad was in fact a wealthy, well-to-do chap (perhaps a flipped version of a familiar tale).
When mum looked in later life, her biological dad had already died. He had led a seemingly idyllic life and the news of an illegitimate sibling shattered this for some, to the point they simply haven't accepted the genetic results.
On the whole the process was overwhelmingly positive for my mum, giving her a new lease of life in later life and the majority of the 'new' family have welcomed her warmly and become very close.
Not quite the same as an adoption, but my mum found out her dad (a soldier) wasn't her biological father. Her dad was in fact a wealthy, well-to-do chap (perhaps a flipped version of a familiar tale).
When mum looked in later life, her biological dad had already died. He had led a seemingly idyllic life and the news of an illegitimate sibling shattered this for some, to the point they simply haven't accepted the genetic results.
On the whole the process was overwhelmingly positive for my mum, giving her a new lease of life in later life and the majority of the 'new' family have welcomed her warmly and become very close.
I found out recently my Mother had a daughter when she was 16 or 18.
Got taken or given away, she wasn't clear.
No contact whole life.
She (my Mum) paid THOUSANDS to trace her. some 40 years on.
Turned out she got blood cancer or something and died.
My Mum who is already pretty unstable was in a bad way for a long time.
I'm not adopted so haven't had to purse it from the childs point going up, but I've seen it from parents side going down.
I would really question if you need to as it can be a lot of pain and/or disappointment both ways in cases.
In any event hope you get everything you want out of it .
Got taken or given away, she wasn't clear.
No contact whole life.
She (my Mum) paid THOUSANDS to trace her. some 40 years on.
Turned out she got blood cancer or something and died.
My Mum who is already pretty unstable was in a bad way for a long time.
I'm not adopted so haven't had to purse it from the childs point going up, but I've seen it from parents side going down.
I would really question if you need to as it can be a lot of pain and/or disappointment both ways in cases.
In any event hope you get everything you want out of it .
I was put up for adoption at birth and always said I'd never try to trace my birth parents until after both my adoptive parents had died which happened in 2012. I have my original birth certificate on which my father's name is blank but my mother's name is there together with an address. It shows that my mother had given me both her initials.
I've since found she got married in the 1960s to someone she worked with and they had a son, Johnathan, my half-brother and I know where they all lived in 2007. If she was still alive today my mother would be in her mid-90s and my half-brother in his 60s.
I've led a whole different life and they obviously have too, I don't think I want or need to go any further just now.
I've since found she got married in the 1960s to someone she worked with and they had a son, Johnathan, my half-brother and I know where they all lived in 2007. If she was still alive today my mother would be in her mid-90s and my half-brother in his 60s.
I've led a whole different life and they obviously have too, I don't think I want or need to go any further just now.
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