Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[CopperBolt]

Police have accused me of stealing a set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.
I said "Hang on, I can explain everything!"

[CopperBolt]

My perfect home would be a dis-used lighthouse. Nothing flashy.

[Regbuser]

My dog chased a kid on a bike, So we took away his bike. But he kept barking. So we gave it back. Because his bark is worse than his bike.

[boyse7en]

Regbuser said:

My dog chased a kid on a bike,

How does he reach the pedals?

[speedking31]

boyse7en said:

Regbuser said:

My dog chased a kid on a bike,

How does he reach the pedals?

My young goat uses a kid's bike.

[Regbuser]

boyse7en said:

How does he reach the pedals?

Improbable as it sounds, he steals the wife's best cups and saucers, and stacks them. She goes livid when she finds out..

[Pixelpeep Electric]

a young lad got a job making the middle part of candles and doing 20 hours a day, but i guess there's no rest for the wick kid.

[MartG]

There are days when I can’t even be arsed to procrastinate.

[Wacky Racer]

Girl went to the doctors with a chest infection.

The doctor got his stethoscope out and said "Big breaths"

She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet"

[john2443]

A Roman went into a bar and asked for a Martinus.

The barman said Are you sure you don't mean a Martini?

The Roman said If I'd wanted a double I'd have asked for one.

[speedking31]

Man goes into a chippy and says "Fish and Chips twice." Person behind the counter, "I heard you the first time."

[Monkeylegend]

The only thing better than daffodils on your piano is tulips on your organ.

[Sticks.]

I went into the optician's and said 'I think I need some new glasses'. The owner replied 'you do, this is a fish and chip shop'.

My wife went into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a Double-Entendre. So he gave her one.

[Pieman68]

A horse walked into a bar

The barman said "Why the long face?"

[MartG]

I made a lamb curry yesterday, but apparently they only eat grass.

[droopsnoot]

When a trick went wrong, an amateur magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two children into armchairs. He tried everything he knew to reverse the trick but when all attempts failed, he took them to a hospital.

He paced up and down in the waiting room for hours until finally a junior doctor came out to see him.

“My wife is a couch and my two children are armchairs,” said the magician. “I need to know how they’re doing.”

The doctor glanced at his notes and said, “They’re comfortable.”

[Laurel Green]

[Pixelpeep Electric]

blindfold fairgrounds - i can't see the attraction.

[Master Of Puppets]

Bloke's on his honeymoon, after the first night, 5am he comes downstairs with his fishing gear.

The night porter says "Excuse me for asking sir but the first night of your honeymoon, I thought you'd be at it all night with your new bride."

"Can't" he replies, "She has really a bad dose of the clap."

"Oh, sorry to hear that sir but one hears anal is all the rage these days."

"Can't do that either, she always seems to have a bad dose of diarrhoea."

"Well what about a blow job"

"No not that either, herpes of the mouth."

"I suppose a hand jobs out the question"

"yes she has a real bad case of dermatitis."

"Well excuse me again for asking sir but why did you marry her?"...

"For the maggots"

[ChemicalChaos]

Monkeylegend said:

The only thing better than daffodils on your piano is tulips on your organ.