Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
I hope I get away with this.A couple are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. She intimates he’s too chicken to try one. The man agrees to try it.
The barman brings the makings and puts a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice on the bar and says’’salt, baileys, lime’’
The Mancunian puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, "this is okay." Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits... At two seconds the Baileys curdles... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits... At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex but, being manly and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to the lady and says,
"Jesus! What do you call that drink?"
She smiles at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
The barman brings the makings and puts a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice on the bar and says’’salt, baileys, lime’’
The Mancunian puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, "this is okay." Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits... At two seconds the Baileys curdles... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits... At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex but, being manly and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to the lady and says,
"Jesus! What do you call that drink?"
She smiles at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
I decided to go to church today.
I sat down and the Priest came up to me.
He laid his hands on my hand and said “by the will of God, you will walk today”.
I told him I was not paralysed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my car had been nicked!
I sat down and the Priest came up to me.
He laid his hands on my hand and said “by the will of God, you will walk today”.
I told him I was not paralysed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my car had been nicked!
Vipers said:
I decided to go to church today.
I sat down and the Priest came up to me.
He laid his hands on my hand and said “by the will of God, you will walk today”.
I told him I was not paralysed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my car had been nicked!
I assume that you were down south, visiting Liverpool I sat down and the Priest came up to me.
He laid his hands on my hand and said “by the will of God, you will walk today”.
I told him I was not paralysed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my car had been nicked!
rayny said:
Vipers said:
I decided to go to church today.
I sat down and the Priest came up to me.
He laid his hands on my hand and said “by the will of God, you will walk today”.
I told him I was not paralysed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my car had been nicked!
I assume that you were down south, visiting Liverpool I sat down and the Priest came up to me.
He laid his hands on my hand and said “by the will of God, you will walk today”.
I told him I was not paralysed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my car had been nicked!
but my mate was down there when a truck carrying TV’s, computers and laptops crashed spewing its contents all over the road.The police said the road was closed for five minutes.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your thigh and saying 'No s
t?!? What happened next?"
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your thigh and saying 'No s
t?!? What happened next?"One fine, cold, clear spring day Mr Mole pushed his head out of the top of a molehill and sniffed the crisp, clean air.
Breakfast!
He called excitedly to his wife “come up here, I smell bacon!” Mrs. Mole squeezed alongside her husband at the top of the molehill and sniffed. “I smell sausages! Barry, come up here and take a good sniff!”
THe eldest son, Barry climbed up the tunnel an dug an amount of earth at the peak of the molehill so as to get his nose into the outside air. “I smell eggs!”
They called down to Oscar, the youngest to come up and smell breakfast. Oscar did as he was told but he was too small and slight to be able to push past his elder brother and parents. “Oscar,” called Mrs. Mole, “can you smell breakfast?”
"No, " said Oscar, disappointedly.
"All I can smell is molasses … "
Breakfast!
He called excitedly to his wife “come up here, I smell bacon!” Mrs. Mole squeezed alongside her husband at the top of the molehill and sniffed. “I smell sausages! Barry, come up here and take a good sniff!”
THe eldest son, Barry climbed up the tunnel an dug an amount of earth at the peak of the molehill so as to get his nose into the outside air. “I smell eggs!”
They called down to Oscar, the youngest to come up and smell breakfast. Oscar did as he was told but he was too small and slight to be able to push past his elder brother and parents. “Oscar,” called Mrs. Mole, “can you smell breakfast?”
"No, " said Oscar, disappointedly.
"All I can smell is molasses … "
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