Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Vipers]

MartG said:

Best news ever

[Stealthracer]

I just got a new Rolex.

Didn't cost me a penny. I stole it.




It's a crimewatch.

[GloverMart]

I see Cheryl Baker from Bucks Fizz got her car stuck for hours in the snow last week.

In case you don't know, to move a car stuck in the snow, first you gotta speed it up, then you gotta slow it down. I'm suprised she didn't know that.

[GloverMart]

Just back from my Gamblers Anonymous meeting.

I'm not sitting next to that fruit machine addict again, the bd kept nudging me all night.

[CopperBolt]

StevieBee said:

Anyone see Dragons Den the other night? There was this bloke who'd invented an Air Freshener that's controlled by the power of thought!

Sounds daft but makes sense when you think about it.

Thats a cracker!

[Monkeylegend]

It was the International Woman's Federation annual meeting last Thursday.

They had to delay it until Friday in the end as they all took too long to get ready.

[Kenty]

My Great Grandfather downed 23 planes in the Battle of Britain.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

[Pixelpeep Electric]

Kenty said:

My Great Grandfather downed 23 planes in the Battle of Britain.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My Great Grandfather survived both mustard gas and pepper spray attacks.

He was a seasoned veteran.

[LordGrover]

StevieBee said:

Anyone see Dragons Den the other night? There was this bloke who'd invented an Air Freshener that's controlled by the power of thought!

Sounds daft but makes sense when you think about it.

[Genuine Barn Find]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

Kenty said:

My Great Grandfather downed 23 planes in the Battle of Britain.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My Great Grandfather survived both mustard gas and pepper spray attacks.

He was a seasoned veteran. [/quote

Reminds me of the following….

My Grandpa died in World War 2.
He fell out of his guard tower at Auschwitz

[Dracoro]

Joke fail Need the concentration camp lead up....

My granddad died at a Nazi concentration camp..... Silly idiot fell out of his watchtower.

[Gadgetmac]

My grandfather was treated terribly by the Nazis at Auschwitz.

He was overlooked for promotion twice.

[Monkeylegend]

My grandfather had shrapnel injuries when captured and put in a POW camp during WW11.

He had to have a leg then an arm amputated.

The Commandant accused him of trying to escape bit by bit.

[Sticks.]

We call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

When he was ill we put goose grease on his back. He went downhill quickly after that.

[Pixelpeep Electric]

Sticks. said:

We call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

I like that one. Given my reputation on here i don't know what that says about you and your joke

[Sticks.]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

Sticks. said:

We call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

I like that one. Given my reputation on here i don't know what that says about you and your joke

Thanks very much. Yes, it is one of my better ones

[Muntu]

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed

[Earl of Hazzard]

Muntu said:

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed

[Skyedriver]

Earl of Hazzard said:

Muntu said:

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed

[rowley birkin]

My p e n I s was in the Guinness book of world records, but then the librarian asked me to take it out