Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Europa Jon]

Master Of Puppets said:

A boy keeps being late for school and the teacher threatens to punish him if it continues. The next day he's 2 hours late.

Teacher: I warned you about this.
Boy: But my father got burned this morning.
Teacher: I'm sorry to hear that, nothing too serious I hope.
Boy: They don't fk about in the crematorium miss.

From Rodney Rude, first heard by myself in 1987. Have you heard the head jokes too?

[Vipers]

Italian Mamma

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Antonio, for dinner one evening. Antonio lives with his female flat-mate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Antonio's roommate is. She was the beautiful Maria

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Antonio and his flatmate Maria than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Antonio volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama -- Maria and I are just flat-mates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Antonio saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,
Antonio


Several days later, Anthony received a response from his MaMa which read:


My Dearest Antonio,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving

MaMa

[kowalski655]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

I've done some research - it seems the Egyptians paused the Battle of Megiddo for around 2 minutes to tell that joke.

They had to stop for that long, despite it being a 2 line joke, as they had to explain it slowly to the scousers

[NWTony]

Vipers said:

Italian Mamma

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Antonio, for dinner one evening. Antonio lives with his female flat-mate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Antonio's roommate is. She was the beautiful Maria

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Antonio and his flatmate Maria than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Antonio volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama -- Maria and I are just flat-mates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Antonio saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,
Antonio


Several days later, Anthony received a response from his MaMa which read:


My Dearest Antonio,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving

MaMa

I don't get it? Why would her sleeping in her own bed have made her found the sugar bowl, was it in her bed, is there something missing?

[vaud]

NWTony said:

I don't get it? Why would her sleeping in her own bed have made her found the sugar bowl, was it in her bed, is there something missing?

The mother suspected that they were sleeping together and not just flat mates
Mother moved sugar bowl to Maria's bed.
Ergo, when they thought the bowl had maybe been lifted by his mother, in actual fact the mother was testing to see if Maria was actually sleeping in her bed.

1. poordeadkittens

[67Dino]

vaud said:

NWTony said:

I don't get it? Why would her sleeping in her own bed have made her found the sugar bowl, was it in her bed, is there something missing?

The mother suspected that they were sleeping together and not just flat mates
Mother moved sugar bowl to Maria's bed.
Ergo, when they thought the bowl had maybe been lifted by his mother, in actual fact the mother was testing to see if Maria was actually sleeping in her bed.

1. poordeadkittens

Why’s she Italian though? #nowburyingthedeadkitten

[NWTony]

vaud said:

NWTony said:

I don't get it? Why would her sleeping in her own bed have made her found the sugar bowl, was it in her bed, is there something missing?

The mother suspected that they were sleeping together and not just flat mates
Mother moved sugar bowl to Maria's bed.
Ergo, when they thought the bowl had maybe been lifted by his mother, in actual fact the mother was testing to see if Maria was actually sleeping in her bed.

1. poordeadkittens

But the moving off the sugar bowl to maria's bed isn't mentioned at all. That seems like pertinent information.

[Ayahuasca]

NWTony said:

vaud said:

NWTony said:

I don't get it? Why would her sleeping in her own bed have made her found the sugar bowl, was it in her bed, is there something missing?

The mother suspected that they were sleeping together and not just flat mates
Mother moved sugar bowl to Maria's bed.
Ergo, when they thought the bowl had maybe been lifted by his mother, in actual fact the mother was testing to see if Maria was actually sleeping in her bed.

1. poordeadkittens

But the moving off the sugar bowl to maria's bed isn't mentioned at all. That seems like pertinent information.

Wouldn’t the sugar make an awful mess in the bed and attract ants?

[glenrobbo]

Ayahuasca said:

Wouldn’t the sugar make an awful mess in the bed and attract ants?

The night ants would have been no cause for concern, because the beautiful Maria would have been sleeping in Antonio's bed.

However, I am surprised that Mama Ravioli did not choose something flatter for a chastity indicator. A sugar bowl in a made-up bed would produce a rather noticeable hump*

* Stop that sniggering at the back!

[Sporky]

NWTony said:

But the moving off the sugar bowl to maria's bed isn't mentioned at all. That seems like pertinent information.

I think that would make it a story, rather than a joke.

[Vipers]

67Dino said:

vaud said:

NWTony said:

I don't get it? Why would her sleeping in her own bed have made her found the sugar bowl, was it in her bed, is there something missing?

The mother suspected that they were sleeping together and not just flat mates
Mother moved sugar bowl to Maria's bed.
Ergo, when they thought the bowl had maybe been lifted by his mother, in actual fact the mother was testing to see if Maria was actually sleeping in her bed.

1. poordeadkittens

Why’s she Italian though? #nowburyingthedeadkitten

She was born in Rome

[LordGrover]

^^
Vipers is on form today!

[paua]

Poor dead kitten is coming unraviolied

[GloverMart]

paua said:

Poor dead kitten is coming unraviolied

Getting pasta joke now and no doubt there will be a fusilli follow up gags to mine too.....

[Mammasaid]

GloverMart said:

paua said:

Poor dead kitten is coming unraviolied

Getting pasta joke now and no doubt there will be a fusilli follow up gags to mine too.....

Well...in for a penne...

[Kenty]

I was asleep in a hotel and suddenly the phone rang, bringing me out of a lovely deep sleep.

When I answered it, the voice on the other end said ‘you’re 3 stone overweight, you always take people’s kindness for granted, and you’ve been working at a st job you hate for 20 years’

I asked who the hell is this and what did they think they were talking about. ‘Sir, this is reception, you asked for a wake-up call at 7am’

[Kenty]

It's a real shame now, in these COVID times. I used to love the free bar peanuts, unfortunately now that everyone's washing their hands, they don't taste of anything.

[Pixelpeep Electric]

I used to drill holes for water. It was well boring.

[Vipers]

LordGrover said:

^^
Vipers is on form today!

[Monkeylegend]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

I used to drill holes for water. It was well boring.

So it was you that ruined my bucket