Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Avenicus]

Let's replace Border Force with GP receptionists and then see who gets in

[rayny]

Avenicus said:

Let's replace Border Force with GP receptionists and then see who gets in

That needs to be put into the 'Suggestion box' at the House of Commons

[Wacky Racer]

ANYONE LIVING IN MY AREA?

If so would you be interested in spending the day in a helicopter flight for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (July 23rd) morning from Gatwick airport and will fly to Sandbanks, nr Poole , where we will have breakfast and then on a luxury yacht for lunch.

Then we’ll sail along the coast to see the seals and dolphins, then returning to the marina and go out for dinner, before flying back home.

If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we're stuffed.

[silverfoxcc]

Popped into my local last night, but made a hasty retreat as there were two guys having a swordfight

Headline in the local rag next day was

Duel in The Crown

[Muntu]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a red kidney bean?





I've never had a red kidney bean on my face!

[Pixelpeep Electric]

My builder is such a nice bloke.

I completely forgot to pay him and he's still offered to come round and put my windows in.

[Master Of Puppets]

I had 12 yogurts last night.

Got absolutely mullered.

[john2443]

Teacher - What do you think the man would say when the first little piggy asked him for some straw to build a house?

Kid - fk me! a talking pig!

[hairy v]

I went to the doctor for a full medical.

He asked me to strip off my clothes and when I had finished he remarked that my penis is shaped like a saxophone.

I told him it was a family trait and we all had sex organs shaped like musical instruments.

He was amazed and said "In all my 27 years of practicing medicine, I've never seen anything like it ... wait a minute, I did see a lady once with a vagina shaped like a mouth organ!"

I said "That'll be our Monica!"

[twing]

Muntu said:

What's the difference between a chickpea and a red kidney bean?





I've never had a red kidney bean on my face!

[Sticks.]

hairy v said:

I went to the doctor for a full medical.

He asked me to strip off my clothes and when I had finished he remarked that my penis is shaped like a saxophone.

I told him it was a family trait and we all had sex organs shaped like musical instruments.

He was amazed and said "In all my 27 years of practicing medicine, I've never seen anything like it ... wait a minute, I did see a lady once with a vagina shaped like a mouth organ!"

I said "That'll be our Monica!"

Very good. The original version of this (or the earliest one I know) was by Max Miller.

[67Dino]

john2443 said:

Teacher - What do you think the man would say when the first little piggy asked him for some straw to build a house?

Kid - fk me! a talking pig!

Reminds me of this cartoon for those with a darker sense of humour…



The fourth little pig’s house was built of wolf skulls. They aren’t very sturdy, but they send a message.

Edited by 67Dino on Saturday 17th June 08:39

[Fastchas]

[CourtAgain]

Scientists have created a flea from scratch.

[GeneralBanter]

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially

[Pitre]

GeneralBanter said:

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially

took me a minute....

[Pixelpeep Electric]

I got goosebumps today. A load of geese found out it was my birthday.

[shakotan]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

Had a terrible evening. I guessed orange, but it was chocolate. I guessed toffee, but it was peanut. I guessed Strawberry but it was coffee. I was wrong on so many Revels

[pedant]There is no Strawberry Revel[/pedant]

[Pixelpeep Electric]

shakotan said:

Pixelpeep Electric said:

Had a terrible evening. I guessed orange, but it was chocolate. I guessed toffee, but it was peanut. I guessed Strawberry but it was coffee. I was wrong on so many Revels

[pedant]There is no Strawberry Revel[/pedant]

[next level pedant] In July 2008 Revels started a Big Brother-style eviction campaign where one flavour from the bag would be replaced by a special limited edition flavour. Consumers were asked to nominate on the RevelsEviction.com website Voting closed on 9 September 2008. The flavour attracting the most votes was coffee, which received nearly half the votes cast. Raisin received around 25%, with the remaining votes spread fairly evenly among the other flavours. The coffee flavour was briefly replaced with strawberry, but returned in early 2009.[/next level pedant]

[Muntu]

Just met a transvestite from Greater Manchester. He had a Wigan address!!