Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Three tarts in Nee York:
One says ‘ma man’s name is Big John because it’s so big’ the next says ‘ana ma my man’s name is Long Pete because it’s so long’ And the third says ‘maman’s name is Drambuie’
The other two say ‘what????’
.
.
.
‘Ain’t that some fancy French liquor????’
The third one say ‘Yep, that’s ma man!!!’
One says ‘ma man’s name is Big John because it’s so big’ the next says ‘ana ma my man’s name is Long Pete because it’s so long’ And the third says ‘maman’s name is Drambuie’
The other two say ‘what????’
.
.
.
‘Ain’t that some fancy French liquor????’
The third one say ‘Yep, that’s ma man!!!’
This is a part visual gag to get it across
imagine you are holding a stick with your Left hand ( right hand if left handed)
open the hand with the thumb up and then grip the stick. place the dominant hand on the stick above the other with the thumb pointing up the stick
Now the gag ( and before the smart arses dissect this..remember it is a joke ok?s
Army recruits being trained for jungle warfare and what to do when encountering wild animals
Instructor.. Men if you see a snake you grab it with your left hand place your right hand above it and move it swiftly towards the head. This paralyzes (sp?) the snake and as it it is now stiff as a poker you can break it in half over your knee and kill it
One recruit was expert at this and to the Instructors surprise heard that he had been seriously injured whilst dealing with a snake
He visited him in hospital to find out what went wrong
Well sarge the soldier said, i was on patrol on saw a red and white striped snake... i picked it up by the tail and as instructed, it went rigid and i killed it
Further on i saw a brown and green snake, again followed instructions and killed it
Then i saw a yellow and black striped snake sticking out from under the bushes.
I grabbed it slid my hand sharply up.......and
Have you ever shoved your thumb up as tigers ar*e?
imagine you are holding a stick with your Left hand ( right hand if left handed)
open the hand with the thumb up and then grip the stick. place the dominant hand on the stick above the other with the thumb pointing up the stick
Now the gag ( and before the smart arses dissect this..remember it is a joke ok?s
Army recruits being trained for jungle warfare and what to do when encountering wild animals
Instructor.. Men if you see a snake you grab it with your left hand place your right hand above it and move it swiftly towards the head. This paralyzes (sp?) the snake and as it it is now stiff as a poker you can break it in half over your knee and kill it
One recruit was expert at this and to the Instructors surprise heard that he had been seriously injured whilst dealing with a snake
He visited him in hospital to find out what went wrong
Well sarge the soldier said, i was on patrol on saw a red and white striped snake... i picked it up by the tail and as instructed, it went rigid and i killed it
Further on i saw a brown and green snake, again followed instructions and killed it
Then i saw a yellow and black striped snake sticking out from under the bushes.
I grabbed it slid my hand sharply up.......and
Have you ever shoved your thumb up as tigers ar*e?
MrScroggs said:
First heard this joke in the 80's so it'll be new to some.
It's a bit visual, so use your imagination...
Two Essex girls, Tracey and Debbie, go into a posh department store. They head to the beauty counter and try some perfume testers.
Debbie picks up a bottle and reads the label out loud, "Veniz Amoy? What the f**k does that mean?"
The snooty assistant walks over and says, "Excuse me Madam, it's French. It's called Venez a Moi - it means "Come to Me".
"Come to Me?" says Deb, spraying some on her wrist..."No, it don't smell like Come to Me.....She holds her wrist up to Tracey's nose....."Does it smell like come to you, Trace?"
Two Essex girls, Tracey and Debbie, sitting in a barIt's a bit visual, so use your imagination...
Two Essex girls, Tracey and Debbie, go into a posh department store. They head to the beauty counter and try some perfume testers.
Debbie picks up a bottle and reads the label out loud, "Veniz Amoy? What the f**k does that mean?"
The snooty assistant walks over and says, "Excuse me Madam, it's French. It's called Venez a Moi - it means "Come to Me".
"Come to Me?" says Deb, spraying some on her wrist..."No, it don't smell like Come to Me.....She holds her wrist up to Tracey's nose....."Does it smell like come to you, Trace?"
Edited by MrScroggs on Friday 23 June 15:03
Debbie sniffs the air and says "I can smell cum"
Tracey replies, "yeah, sorry about that, I just burped"
I'm here all week etc
The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
"OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband."
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
"Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. Cos, I couldn't get an Erection either."
The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
"OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband."
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
"Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. Cos, I couldn't get an Erection either."
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question
'Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?' 'None' replied Johnny, 'because the rest would fly away' 'Well, the answer is four' said the teacher 'but i like the way you're thinking'
Little Johnny says 'I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?'
'Well' said the teacher nervously 'I'll guess, the one sucking the cone?' 'No!' said Johnny 'the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but i like the way you're thinking'
'Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?' 'None' replied Johnny, 'because the rest would fly away' 'Well, the answer is four' said the teacher 'but i like the way you're thinking'
Little Johnny says 'I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?'
'Well' said the teacher nervously 'I'll guess, the one sucking the cone?' 'No!' said Johnny 'the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but i like the way you're thinking'
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