Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
deeen said:
Teddy Lop said:
Still Mulling said:
S2r said:
Bright Halo said:
we used to wish we could dream and be in the middle of the road. We only had a cardboard box by the drain.
You had a cardboard box?? I could only dream of one of them... It might not be much but we were happy.
At the local synagogue two attendees were admiring the quality and blackness of his coat.and asked him where he got it made. He told them that most rabbis went to Solomom Pinctus, but added ,he is not cheap.
Undeterred the paid Solomon a
visit if he could make them two coats, but added they were to be blacker than the Rabbis. He said he could but said it would cost them three times his normal price, as he would have to get his cloth from the firm that supplied the local convent. and that is blacker that the ones Rabbis order.
They readily agreed and in time the coats were ready, and they put them one and walked out of the shop. Comoing towrd them were two nuns, and one went up the tem and asked if he could look at their apparel. The agreed and he held his coat again st the dress and mumbled something, and walked off
The other nun turned to her companion and asked what was that all about?
I have no idea ,but i think he was a religious man.
How could you tell? she asked
Well as he put his coat to the dress he mumbled something in Latin.
What was that?
'Pinctus Fuktus' she replied
Undeterred the paid Solomon a
visit if he could make them two coats, but added they were to be blacker than the Rabbis. He said he could but said it would cost them three times his normal price, as he would have to get his cloth from the firm that supplied the local convent. and that is blacker that the ones Rabbis order.
They readily agreed and in time the coats were ready, and they put them one and walked out of the shop. Comoing towrd them were two nuns, and one went up the tem and asked if he could look at their apparel. The agreed and he held his coat again st the dress and mumbled something, and walked off
The other nun turned to her companion and asked what was that all about?
I have no idea ,but i think he was a religious man.
How could you tell? she asked
Well as he put his coat to the dress he mumbled something in Latin.
What was that?
'Pinctus Fuktus' she replied
haven't seen this one for a while. An old favourite
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
silverfoxcc said:
At the local synagogue two attendees were admiring the quality and blackness of the Rabbis coat.and asked him where he got it made. He told them that most rabbis went to Solomon Pinctus, but added ,he is not cheap.
Undeterred the paid Solomon a
visit if he could make them two coats, but added they were to be blacker than the Rabbis. He said he could but said it would cost them three times his normal price, as he would have to get his cloth from the firm that supplied the local convent. and that is blacker that the ones Rabbis order.
They readily agreed and in time the coats were ready, and they put them one and walked out of the shop. Comoing towrd them were two nuns, and one went up the tem and asked if he could look at their apparel. The agreed and he held his coat again st the dress and mumbled something, and walked off
The other nun turned to her companion and asked what was that all about?
I have no idea ,but i think he was a religious man.
How could you tell? she asked
Well as he put his coat to the dress he mumbled something in Latin.
What was that?
'Pinctus Fuktus' she replied
Undeterred the paid Solomon a
visit if he could make them two coats, but added they were to be blacker than the Rabbis. He said he could but said it would cost them three times his normal price, as he would have to get his cloth from the firm that supplied the local convent. and that is blacker that the ones Rabbis order.
They readily agreed and in time the coats were ready, and they put them one and walked out of the shop. Comoing towrd them were two nuns, and one went up the tem and asked if he could look at their apparel. The agreed and he held his coat again st the dress and mumbled something, and walked off
The other nun turned to her companion and asked what was that all about?
I have no idea ,but i think he was a religious man.
How could you tell? she asked
Well as he put his coat to the dress he mumbled something in Latin.
What was that?
'Pinctus Fuktus' she replied
Roofless Toothless said:
Since we are into Jewish jokes today, did you hear about the two gay Jews in bed?
One said, “turn over.”
The other shrugged his shoulders and replied, “between two and a half and three million a year - “
Did you hear about the other two gay Jews in bed?One said, “turn over.”
The other shrugged his shoulders and replied, “between two and a half and three million a year - “
One said "Are you comfortable?"
The other said "Well, I make a living".
An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...
Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.
The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra. A gospel choir. When we reach the crescendo I want to fire an AR15 into the air, to celebrate our God given rights to bear arms'
It will be done, says the genie
The Japanese guy goes next. 'I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends'
It will be done, says the genie
The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear
'Just kill me before the food and that bloody song'
In the pub the other Friday night, having a drink with Stan, who mentioned they were going on holiday tomorrow to Spain.
Next day i thought i would ring hiom and hope he has a good time,
His wife answered the phone
I said ;'hope you and Stan have a good time...Gatwick?
She replied 'Stansted'
I said 'Blimey he looked great in the pub last night'
Next day i thought i would ring hiom and hope he has a good time,
His wife answered the phone
I said ;'hope you and Stan have a good time...Gatwick?
She replied 'Stansted'
I said 'Blimey he looked great in the pub last night'
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