Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Rayny]

NRG1976 said:

My boss has threatened to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

Get back to the bell ringing, Quasimodo

[Monkeylegend]

Julie, well known for her ample bosom, walked into church for Sunday service wearing a see through top.

"You can't come into church dressed like that" exclaimed the Vicar.

"But I have a divine right" protested Julie.

"And you also have a divine left" declared the Vicar "but you still can't come in"

[Monkeylegend]

If alcohol can damage your short term memory, just think what alcohol can do to your memory.

[Monkeylegend]

I pinned a map of the world on the kitchen wall, gave my wife a dart and said throw the dart at the map and wherever it lands I will take you on holiday.

We are spending 3 weeks in August behind the freezer.


All courtesy of the MBUK Club

[speedking31]

I'm taking my wife on a Caribbean cruise.
Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.

[ThunderSpook]

How to safely watch the total eclipse.

Step 1, don’t go to Texas.

[GeneralBanter]

speedking31 said:

I'm taking my wife on a Caribbean cruise.
Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.went on her own accord

If you’re going to, at least get it right….

[GeneralBanter]

Monkeylegend said:

If alcohol can damage your short term memory, just think what alcohol can do to your memory.

[Wacky Racer]

E3134 said:

Man goes into a pet shop, he wants to buy a talking parrot

'Just one left sir, and I am afraid it is not really a bird I can sell, but it is a good talker'

'Whats the problem with it'

'No legs sir, holds on to its perch with a prehensile willy, wraps it around the perch, you see sir'

'I will take it'

Next morning he says to the parrot, 'I am going to work now, when I come home, I want you to tell me everything that happens here'

Gets home, 'Ok what happened'

'There was a knock at the door after you had gone, a man came in, he got undressed'

'Go on, what happened next?'

'Your wife started kissing him'

'Go on, what happened next'

'She took her shirt off'

'Go on'

'She took her skirt off'

'Go on, what happened next'

'Dunno, I fell off my perch'

Good joke, but I was telling that in 1967.

[CanAm]

GeneralBanter said:

speedking31 said:

I'm taking my wife on a Caribbean cruise.
Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.went on OF her own accord

If you’re going to, at least get it right….

Picky, I know.......

[Dixy]

GeneralBanter said:

speedking31 said:

I'm taking my wife on a Caribbean cruise.
Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.went on her own accord

If you’re going to, at least get it right….

As Jamaica is an island she would have to go by boat or plain so a Honda would be no good.

[illmonkey]

Dixy said:

GeneralBanter said:

speedking31 said:

I'm taking my wife on a Caribbean cruise.
Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.went on her own accord

If you’re going to, at least get it right….

As Jamaica is an island she would have to go by boat or plain so a Honda would be no good.

Honda are the 2nd largest outboard motor producers in the world, if imagine they’d be pretty good on a boat…

[Sticks.]

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like a motorbike"

"That's very interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor. The guy fires one off and sure enough it does. After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach
specialists and none of them can figure it out.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist. After listening to the man's problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and examines it. "A-haa!!!!", says the dentist "....I have solved the problem." "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

"Yeah....so?", says the guy, "What has that got to do with my farts?" The dentist replies . . .
"Cant you see, Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"

You reminded me of it so you've only got yourself to blame.

Would you believe when I googled this joke, some sites had adult content warning?

[Pitre]

Blimey I think that was the first joke I ever heard at school. In about 1960.

[Skyedriver]

Pitre said:

Blimey I think that was the first joke I ever heard at school. In about 1960.

That one and the one about the tapeworm, the Mars Bar & the Kit Kat.

[Sticks.]

Pitre said:

Blimey I think that was the first joke I ever heard at school. In about 1960.

Well I hope you weren't too badly affected by it not having an appropriate warning

[juliussneezer]

I was embarrassed at a "gender reveal" party yesterday.

After they explained it, I quickly put my underwear back on and left quietly.

[motco]

Sticks. said:

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like a motorbike"

"That's very interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor. The guy fires one off and sure enough it does. After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach
specialists and none of them can figure it out.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist. After listening to the man's problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and examines it. "A-haa!!!!", says the dentist "....I have solved the problem." "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

"Yeah....so?", says the guy, "What has that got to do with my farts?" The dentist replies . . .
"Cant you see, Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"

You reminded me of it so you've only got yourself to blame.

Would you believe when I googled this joke, some sites had adult content warning?

There was a young lady called Horton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a wacking great pr*t
And a fart like a 500 Norton!

[Upinflames]

motco said:

There was a young lady called Horton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a wacking great pr*t
And a fart like a 500 Norton!

I give up. A whacking great what?

[motco]

Upinflames said:

motco said:

There was a young lady called Horton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a wacking great pr*t
And a fart like a 500 Norton!

I give up. A whacking great what?

Try t instead of p