Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
motco said:
Upinflames said:
motco said:
There was a young lady called Horton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a wacking great pr*t
And a fart like a 500 Norton!
I give up. A whacking great what?Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a wacking great pr*t
And a fart like a 500 Norton!
There was a young lady from Moreton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a f**king great t
tAnd a fart like a 500 Norton!
CanAm said:
The 0riginal:-
There was a young lady from Moreton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a f**king great tt
And a fart like a 500 Norton!
To keep the metre correct, the last line should be: And a fart like a 650 Norton. There was a young lady from Moreton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a f**king great t
tAnd a fart like a 500 Norton!
I also prefer 'on top of all that, a big hairy tw**"
Actually it was also t*t and not leg when I heard it.
I'll get me coat
speedking31 said:
I'm taking my wife on a Caribbean cruise.
Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.
My wife went to Indonesia on holiday.Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane.
or
Barman: That bloke who played the villain in Skyfall came in here and started a fight last night.
Customer: Javier Bardem?
Barman: No, but he's on a warning.
CopperBolt said:
CanAm said:
The 0riginal:-
There was a young lady from Moreton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a f**king great tt
And a fart like a 500 Norton!
To keep the metre correct, the last line should be: And a fart like a 650 Norton. There was a young lady from Moreton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a f**king great t
tAnd a fart like a 500 Norton!
I also prefer 'on top of all that, a big hairy tw**"
Actually it was also t*t and not leg when I heard it.**
I'll get me coat
- Of course it was!
Halmyre said:
speedking31 said:
I'm taking my wife on a Caribbean cruise.
Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.
My wife went to Indonesia on holiday.Jamaica?
No, she was quite keen.
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane.
or
Barman: That bloke who played the villain in Skyfall came in here and started a fight last night.
Customer: Javier Bardem?
Barman: No, but he's on a warning.
Honolulu?
No, it was a cruise, she's never been one for water sports
CopperBolt said:
CanAm said:
The 0riginal:-
There was a young lady from Moreton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a f**king great tt
And a fart like a 500 Norton!
To keep the metre correct, the last line should be: And a fart like a 650 Norton. There was a young lady from Moreton
Who had one long leg and a short'un
But to make up for that
She had a f**king great t
tAnd a fart like a 500 Norton!
I also prefer 'on top of all that, a big hairy tw**"
Actually it was also t*t and not leg when I heard it.
I'll get me coat
From over the pond.
When dad calls home, and a little girl answer it.
“Hi honey, this is Daddy is mommy near the phone?”
“No daddy she upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul”
After a brief pause, Daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”
“Oh yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now”
“Ok honey then this is what I want you to do, put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and tell mommy daddy’s car has just pulled up on the driveway”
“OK daddy just a minute”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back on the phone “I did it Daddy”
“And what happened honey?” he asked
“Well mommy jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dressing table and she isn’t moving at all”
“What about Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, he was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know you drained it to clean it out last week. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”
Long pause………………………….
Then Daddy says “Swimming pool?, is this 486 5731?”
When dad calls home, and a little girl answer it.
“Hi honey, this is Daddy is mommy near the phone?”
“No daddy she upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul”
After a brief pause, Daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”
“Oh yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now”
“Ok honey then this is what I want you to do, put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and tell mommy daddy’s car has just pulled up on the driveway”
“OK daddy just a minute”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back on the phone “I did it Daddy”
“And what happened honey?” he asked
“Well mommy jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dressing table and she isn’t moving at all”
“What about Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, he was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know you drained it to clean it out last week. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”
Long pause………………………….
Then Daddy says “Swimming pool?, is this 486 5731?”
Another excellent one from Vipers there.
And here's one I've borrowed/stolen from an MB forum :
A young Guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace.The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the young guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann""ok sorry to delay you, proceed".The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret"." Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed."Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen"
."Right" he says. "Well make yourself ****ing scarce love cos the RSM is looking for you!".
And here's one I've borrowed/stolen from an MB forum :
A young Guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace.The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the young guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann""ok sorry to delay you, proceed".The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret"." Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed."Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen"
."Right" he says. "Well make yourself ****ing scarce love cos the RSM is looking for you!".
Rayny said:
Another excellent one from Vipers there.
And here's one I've borrowed/stolen from an MB forum :
A young Guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace.The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the young guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann""ok sorry to delay you, proceed".The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret"." Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed."Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen"
."Right" he says. "Well make yourself ****ing scarce love cos the RSM is looking for you!".
And here's one I've borrowed/stolen from an MB forum :
A young Guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace.The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the young guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann""ok sorry to delay you, proceed".The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret"." Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed."Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen"
."Right" he says. "Well make yourself ****ing scarce love cos the RSM is looking for you!".
, that I could imagine, true story from my navy days, attending church, one rating forgot to take his cap off, the RPO boomed our “TAKE YOUR AT OFF IN HOUSE OF OUR LORD, ”.RPO being a Regulatiing Petty Officer,
You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!"
"Really?"
"Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was if course much faster than me."
The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."
"Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.
"What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.
"Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."
"That's nice "
"Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."
"Really?"
"Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was if course much faster than me."
The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."
"Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.
"What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.
"Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."
"That's nice "
"Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."
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