Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Vipers]

Jonboy_t said:

Trenchard said:

AstonZagato said:

Or a panic in a doomed submarine.

As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...

Anne Franks drum kit

Hair net in a force nine.

[Teddy Lop]

paua said:

Jonboy_t said:

Trenchard said:

AstonZagato said:

Or a panic in a doomed submarine.

As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...

Anne Franks drum kit

Tits on a bull.

Ashtray on a motorbike.
Airtex condom.

[Monkeylegend]

Teddy Lop said:

paua said:

Jonboy_t said:

Trenchard said:

AstonZagato said:

Or a panic in a doomed submarine.

As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...

Anne Franks drum kit

Tits on a bull.

Ashtray on a motorbike.
Airtex condom.

A pun on the joke thread.

[Doofus]

[Speed Badger]

Monkeylegend said:

Teddy Lop said:

paua said:

Jonboy_t said:

Trenchard said:

AstonZagato said:

Or a panic in a doomed submarine.

As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...

Anne Franks drum kit

Tits on a bull.

Ashtray on a motorbike.
Airtex condom.

A pun on the joke thread.

A two-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake.

[Doofus]

Speed Badger said:

A two-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake.

To be fair, the number of legs would seem to be irrelevant.

[anonymous-user]

Doofus said:

Speed Badger said:

A two-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake.

To be fair, the number of legs would seem to be irrelevant.

Also a cat isn’t an ‘object’ that’s useless, per se, it’s like saying ‘about as useless as a donkey on wet lino’ thus losing the comic edge. Unlike the Anne Frank drum kit one which was frankly so hilarious a bit of wee came out.

[CourtAgain]

Speed Badger said:

Monkeylegend said:

Teddy Lop said:

paua said:

Jonboy_t said:

Trenchard said:

AstonZagato said:

Or a panic in a doomed submarine.

As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...

Anne Franks drum kit

Tits on a bull.

Ashtray on a motorbike.
Airtex condom.

A pun on the joke thread.

A two-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake.

Kurt Zouma volunteering at an Animal Shelter

[Jenny Tailor]

A sweating priest in a playground.

[Skyedriver]

Doofus said:

after all the years, finally an explanation!

[Kenty]

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

[hairy v]

[Speed Badger]

Why do women and children get evacuated first in a disaster?

So the men can sit and think of a solution in silence.

[Skyedriver]

Kenty said:

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Very topical

[Skyedriver]

Speed Badger said:

Why do women and children get evacuated first in a disaster?

So the men can sit and think of a solution in silence.

Or have a quiet pint

[Doofus]

A chicken and a dog are talking.

Chicken: "How come everyone doesn't eat you lot?"
Dog: "We don't know, but they appear to be harvesting our poos for something."

[john2443]

Recycled from a long time ago!

The police told Boris Johnson that he needed to fill in a questionnaire so he went and beat up a doorman outside the Dorchester.

[MartG]

[Pixelpeep 135]

Just told the missus i've booked us a table tonight.

She was really excited. Really shocked me her reaction though, i had no idea she enjoyed snooker that much.

[Pixelpeep 135]

my mate got blessed with a 10" penis.

The priest got 15 years.