Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[deeen]

CourtAgain said:

Take care on rural roads...

Hopefully, just round that bend are some hidden dips.

[NoddyonNitrous]

deeen said:

CourtAgain said:

Take care on rural roads...

Hopefully, just round that bend are some hidden dips.

GROAN. That's the best I can do.

[Wacky Racer]

And172940 said:

I found a universal remote control down the back of the sofa, I thought to myself "this changes everything

[anonymous-user]

GloverMart said:

It came up on my Facebook memories feed this morning, I posted it on there a year ago today. I'll be honest, I don't ever remember it having a punchline, in fact I think it would spoil the gist of the joke if it DID have one. The whole point is that the interviewer is getting annoyed with the farmer, he finally thinks he's going to get an answer from the farmer but he doesn't. That's the joke right there IMO.

It’s yearning for a Peter Sellers ‘it’s not my dog’ type ending.

[Bogsye]

V6 Pushfit said:

It’s yearning for a Peter Sellers ‘it’s not my dog’ type ending.

It’s got a Two Ronnie’s feel about it.

[Pastor Of Muppets]

My grief counsellor died yesterday.

He was so good, that I didn't give a st.

[anonymous-user]

My long distance lorry driver mate died yesterday.

Moving on….

[Pitre]

My sparring partner died yesterday.

I was gobsmacked. But I won't be tomorrow.

[Pitre]

My neighbour was crushed by an articulated lorry which completely blocked the front of our house.

But I'll get over it.

[anonymous-user]

My regression therapist mate died yesterday.

Au revoir Dave.

[Turtle Shed]

My mate Dave the Groper died yesterday.

He'll be fondley remembered.

[Turtle Shed]

When you're at a party, how do you if there's someone in the room who has just bought an air fryer?

Oh, you'll know.

[Pitre]

Turtle Shed said:

When you're at a party, how do you if there's someone in the room who has just bought an air fryer? is vegan?

Oh, you'll know.

FTFY

[Pitre]

My mate told me he'd got a clock stuck up his 4rse.

It was a wind-up.

[anonymous-user]

Pitre said:

My mate told me he'd got a clock stuck up his 4rse.

It was a wind-up.

[Jonboy_t]

Whenever my Mrs says “I’m going to have an early night”, I know straight away that sexy times is on the cards!

Because she’ll be asleep so I can watch some porn.

[Turtle Shed]

Pitre said:

Turtle Shed said:

When you're at a party, how do you if there's someone in the room who has just bought an air fryer? is vegan?

Oh, you'll know.

FTFY

Ah, well if we're going down that route...

Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell someone she was vegan.

[Sticks.]

Jonboy_t said:

Whenever my Mrs says “I’m going to have an early night”, I know straight away that sexy times is on the cards!

Because she’ll be asleep so I can watch some porn.

From Roger's Profanisaurus. A Tescosexual: a man whose sex life peaks while his wife is at Tesco's.

[Skyedriver]

Wasn't sure which area to post this one, stolen from a FB page.


A picture from a series of humurous novelty images taken by Sunday People photographer Dennis Hutchinson. - I have never seen the like of this before. People actually sitting watching this space. It was on a billboard on the side of a pub on Newcastle's famous Scotswood Road. Circa: 1980 . (Photo by NCJ - The Sunday People/Mirrorpix/Getty Images)

[Largechris]

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?



No idea, he's not managed to open it yet.







Knock Knock

Who's there?

It's not the kid with no arms