Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Author
Discussion

Vipers

32,909 posts

229 months

Saturday 9th July 2022
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Following on with a sailors theme.....................

Some sailors are walking around the town in Portsmouth one Saturday night, they come across a lady in a wheelchair, she beckoned them over, and offered her services.

They asked how that worked, she said just lift me out of this wheelchair, and hang me on the railings by my arms and do the business.

So they did what she said, hung her on the railings and had their way with her, afterwards they gently lifted her back into her wheelchair.

She said "You not from here are you"

One said "No, we are from Plymouth, how did you know?"

She said "The buggers from Portsmouth usually leave me on the railings",

CourtAgain

3,766 posts

65 months

Saturday 9th July 2022
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grumpy52

5,600 posts

167 months

Saturday 9th July 2022
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Percy Cushion

1,151 posts

221 months

Sunday 10th July 2022
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Vipers

32,909 posts

229 months

Sunday 10th July 2022
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My mums got Lurpack in the fridge.

There goes my inheritance

——————————-

Stolen from a twitter user as the price for 1kg tub of the spreadable butter reached almost £10

Was in a daily and made me chuckle

Pastor Of Muppets

3,278 posts

63 months

Sunday 10th July 2022
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People said my Cornish great grandmother was deformed from inbreeding but I think it’s just an old wives tail.

Vipers

32,909 posts

229 months

Sunday 10th July 2022
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Pastor Of Muppets said:
People said my Cornish great grandmother was deformed from inbreeding but I think it’s just an old wives tail.
Clever

anonymous-user

55 months

Sunday 10th July 2022
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Pastor Of Muppets said:
People said my Cornish great grandmother was deformed from inbreeding but I think it’s just an old wives tail.
Yes I heard from the Cornish Tourist Board ad that in 2023 Cornwall will be coming into its own. So not much has changed then.

rayny

1,193 posts

202 months

Sunday 10th July 2022
quotequote all
Vipers said:
Following on with a sailors theme.....................

Some sailors are walking around the town in Portsmouth one Saturday night, they come across a lady in a wheelchair, she beckoned them over, and offered her services.

They asked how that worked, she said just lift me out of this wheelchair, and hang me on the railings by my arms and do the business.

So they did what she said, hung her on the railings and had their way with her, afterwards they gently lifted her back into her wheelchair.

She said "You not from here are you"

One said "No, we are from Plymouth, how did you know?"

She said "The buggers from Portsmouth usually leave me on the railings",
Presumably this was so that she could drip dry ?

grumpy52

5,600 posts

167 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first.
The patient excitedly asks for the good news.
The surgeon says, well, you are about to get a new dog.

Turtle Shed

1,553 posts

27 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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Good luck to Wales, they're launching a satellite from Cornwall this week. The first attempt was an abject failure, they launched from Devon and their space agency put the payload underneath the rocket.

Edited by Turtle Shed on Monday 11th July 10:55

anonymous-user

55 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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Turtle Shed said:
Good luck to Wales, they're launching a satellite from Cornwall this week. The first attempt was an abject failure, they launched from Devon and their space agency put the payload underneath the rocket.

Edited by Turtle Shed on Monday 11th July 10:55
Something is missing I feel

Nimby

4,618 posts

151 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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V6 Pushfit said:
Something is missing I feel
Think "scone".

twing

5,032 posts

132 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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Nimby said:
Think "scone".
Thanks! It had me stumped too

slopes

38,845 posts

188 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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rayny said:
Vipers said:
Following on with a sailors theme.....................

Some sailors are walking around the town in Portsmouth one Saturday night, they come across a lady in a wheelchair, she beckoned them over, and offered her services.

They asked how that worked, she said just lift me out of this wheelchair, and hang me on the railings by my arms and do the business.

So they did what she said, hung her on the railings and had their way with her, afterwards they gently lifted her back into her wheelchair.

She said "You not from here are you"

One said "No, we are from Plymouth, how did you know?"

She said "The buggers from Portsmouth usually leave me on the railings",
Presumably this was so that she could drip dry ?
yuck

Speed Badger

2,711 posts

118 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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grumpy52 said:
As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first.
The patient excitedly asks for the good news.
The surgeon says, well, you are about to get a new dog.
Have to give this a laugh

Wacky Racer

38,217 posts

248 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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Man with no arms and no legs swimming the Channel.............caught cramp in his ears,

Wacky Racer

38,217 posts

248 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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Man with two wooden legs....his house caught fire.....yikes

The fire brigade came,,,they saved his house, but he was burnt to the ground.








And the insurance wouldn't pay up, they said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Wacky Racer

38,217 posts

248 months

Monday 11th July 2022
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Young girl went to the doctors with a chesty cough, so the doctor reached for his stethascope and said:-

"Right, big breaths"

"Yeth, and I'm not thixsteen yet"..

GloverMart

11,852 posts

216 months

Tuesday 12th July 2022
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Old trucker sitting in a motorway cafe enjoying his breakfast.

A bunch of hairy bikers come, one goes over to the trucker and takes a sausage from his plate.

The trucker says nothing.

Another biker walks over and takes another sausage.

The trucker says nothing.

Another biker walks over, picks up his toast, dunks it in his tea.

The trucker says nothing. Eventually the trucker leaves.

One of the bikers says to the guy behind the counter "Did you see what we did, he wasn't much of a man to say nothing"

Guy behind the counter says "He isn't much of a trucker either."

Biker says "Why do you say that?"

Guy behind the counter says, "We'll he just reversed over a bunch of bikes out there"