Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mummy Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mummy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24!!..
"Mummy Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mummy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24!!..
My best friend passed away recently.
Grieving befoe his grave I said "Bro, I really miss you, my wife has been pregnant for 8 months now, how about you reincarnate as my child.
One month later, my wife gave birth to a boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looked a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
Grieving befoe his grave I said "Bro, I really miss you, my wife has been pregnant for 8 months now, how about you reincarnate as my child.
One month later, my wife gave birth to a boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looked a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
vaud said:
Maybe. Happy to post if some other posters could catch on to the idea of just scrolling past jokes that they personally don't find funny... but I guess that is a wish too far...
You expect people who read internet forums to do the sensible thing ! - You have got to be joking...Rayny said:
vaud said:
Maybe. Happy to post if some other posters could catch on to the idea of just scrolling past jokes that they personally don't find funny... but I guess that is a wish too far...
You expect people who read internet forums to do the sensible thing ! - You have got to be joking...
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his
toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness
Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending
the rest of me life between the legs of me wife?"
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for
the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting
in church beside me wife."
"Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on
the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you
Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know,
he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the
other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness
Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending
the rest of me life between the legs of me wife?"
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for
the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting
in church beside me wife."
"Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on
the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you
Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know,
he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the
other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
Gents Only dinner on a cruise liner - Jim is asked to do a speech on a favourite topic and chooses sex. Gets back to cabin and wife asks how it went he tells her he talked about sailing.
Next day a chap comes up to her and compliments her on her husbands speech and what a lucky woman she is to have such an experienced husband.
She says ‘well I have no idea why he’s only done it twice the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off’
Next day a chap comes up to her and compliments her on her husbands speech and what a lucky woman she is to have such an experienced husband.
She says ‘well I have no idea why he’s only done it twice the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off’
GeneralBanter said:
Gents Only dinner on a cruise liner - Jim is asked to do a speech on a favourite topic and chooses sex. Gets back to cabin and wife asks how it went he tells her he talked about sailing.
Next day a chap comes up to her and compliments her on her husbands speech and what a lucky woman she is to have such an experienced husband.
She says ‘well I have no idea why he’s only done it twice the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off’
Next day a chap comes up to her and compliments her on her husbands speech and what a lucky woman she is to have such an experienced husband.
She says ‘well I have no idea why he’s only done it twice the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off’
Jesus is up on the cross, and he's calling out "Peter, Peter". Word gets back to his disciples, Peter goes to see visit him but unfortunately cannot get past the Roman guard. He tries, and tries, and tries some more, and the guard gets so annoyed with him that he chops off Peter's right arm.
Peter can still hear Jesus calling "Peter! Peter!" so he tries again, and this time the guard cuts off his left arm.
Undeterred, Peter tries some more as he can still hear Jesus calling, though his voice is getting weaker all the time. The guard cuts off Peter's right leg, and then his left leg.
Peter can just about still hear Jesus calling out "Peter! Peter" so he waits until the guard is looking the other way, bounces over to him, head butts him and knocks him out. Overjoyed, he bounces over to the foot of the cross.
"Peter! Peter!" calls out Jesus.
"Yes, my saviour, how may I serve you?" asks an exhausted and badly injured Peter.
"Peter! Peter!" the lord says, then pauses for breath.
"I can see your house from up here".
Peter can still hear Jesus calling "Peter! Peter!" so he tries again, and this time the guard cuts off his left arm.
Undeterred, Peter tries some more as he can still hear Jesus calling, though his voice is getting weaker all the time. The guard cuts off Peter's right leg, and then his left leg.
Peter can just about still hear Jesus calling out "Peter! Peter" so he waits until the guard is looking the other way, bounces over to him, head butts him and knocks him out. Overjoyed, he bounces over to the foot of the cross.
"Peter! Peter!" calls out Jesus.
"Yes, my saviour, how may I serve you?" asks an exhausted and badly injured Peter.
"Peter! Peter!" the lord says, then pauses for breath.
"I can see your house from up here".
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself and then stick into his own ear, don't f
k with him
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself and then stick into his own ear, don't f
k with him
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