Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[paua]

Simmos said:

Vipers said:

With all the censorship I always have a chuckle when Radio 2 plays Lou Reid’s Take a walk on the wild side, line “She never lost her head even giving head”, seems to have avoided censorship all the years

I always smile at Squeeze 'Cool for cats'...

"I'm invited in for coffee and I give the dog a bone"

You guys need to listen to a couple Frank Zappa tunes, here's a starter for 10 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUq_T_Bhau8

Probably never been played on radio.

Back in '82, the BBC banned "6 months in a leaky boat" by a Kiwi band ( SplitEnz) for a song that had nothing to do with the Falklands.

[pvn]

I blame Fats Waller's 1935 song, "I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter" which contains the wonderful line, "Kisses on the bottom, I'll be glad I got 'em".

[GeneralBanter]

NoddyonNitrous said:

Two Ronnies in the golf club:
"Are you a town member or a country member?"
"I'm a country member."
"Ah yes, I do remember."

Amazed they got away with that in the 70s or 80s.

Brilliant.

Looked it up but can’t find it anywhere. Hope it’s not mythical. If it wasn’t them it should have been!

[Roofless Toothless]

paua said:

You guys need to listen to a couple Frank Zappa tunes, here's a starter for 10 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUq_T_Bhau8

Probably never been played on radio.

Back in '82, the BBC banned "6 months in a leaky boat" by a Kiwi band ( SplitEnz) for a song that had nothing to do with the Falklands.

Except, of course, that is not Frank Zappa singing. This is Zappa…

https://youtu.be/iW4Bm7q_zOc?si=mJHFj8ViQuemS8ms

He also once wrote a very beautiful jazz melody, that would have been assured to bring him income for cover versions, had he not decided to name it “I Promise Not To Come In Your Mouth”.

https://youtu.be/MhudcW6apL4?si=RXFL_ghxvk6G0f

[Stealthracer]

Makes me wonder how they got away with this!

[havoc]

Stealthracer said:

Makes me wonder how they got away with this!

You're all assuming people were more prudish back then.

I'm not so sure...I think everyone knew the score, but the words/lyrics deliberately had 2 meanings to get around censorship.

[Sticks.]

havoc said:

You're all assuming people were more prudish back then.

I'm not so sure...I think everyone knew the score, but the words/lyrics deliberately had 2 meanings to get around censorship.

One of the reasons 30s blues was disapproved of was not only the racist element but that it often had sexual innuendo in the lyrics.

More recently I remember on Ken Bruce's Radio 2 prog, chat about TV presenter Kirsty Allsopp being the object of someone's desire, when he read out a comment 'now Sarah Beeny, she can flog my semi anytime.'

Edited by Sticks. on Monday 15th April 09:11

[MarkwG]

Yep, hence the use of Polari, which many notable comedians & comedy actors used until the late '60s.

[john2443]

There was something on the radio about fish fingers, people were texting in about it, the DJ read out " I remember getting fish fingers behind the bike sheds after a school disco"...then realised what it meant and said "Sorry, I shouldn't have read that out"

[vaud]

john2443 said:

There was something on the radio about fish fingers, people were texting in about it, the DJ read out " I remember getting fish fingers behind the bike sheds after a school disco"...then realised what it meant and said "Sorry, I shouldn't have read that out"

Someone pranked BBC Radio Ulster with a Jimmy Savile prank text:
"He fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded," claims the text.

[Rayny]

MarkwG said:

Yep, hence the use of Polari, which many notable comedians & comedy actors used until the late '60s.

And it was nothing to do with submariners using the word Polaris for their missiles

[CanAm]

john2443 said:

There was something on the radio about fish fingers, people were texting in about it, the DJ read out " I remember getting fish fingers behind the bike sheds after a school disco"...then realised what it meant and said "Sorry, I shouldn't have read that out"

The Beatles' Penny Lane, "a four of fish and finger pies"

[juliussneezer]

Being expected to earn the main wage, keep the house clean, look after the kids, do washing, ironing, cooking, DIY around the house, fix the car AND somehow find time to keep in shape is a very tall order indeed.

I've no idea how my wife pulls it off.

[Filton-flyer]

The man who discovered gluten intolerance has died. The family has requested no flours at the funeral.

[Filton-flyer]

Wife walks up to her Husband and asks "Do I look Fat in this dress??"

Husband: "Before I say anything,,, you gotta promise, no matter WHAT I say.... You won't get mad.."

Wife: "Ok.. I promise."

Husband: "I fked your sister."

[Filton-flyer]

Stealthracer said:

Makes me wonder how they got away with this!

You need to be of a certain age......

[GeneralBanter]

GeneralBanter said:

NoddyonNitrous said:

Two Ronnies in the golf club:
"Are you a town member or a country member?"
"I'm a country member."
"Ah yes, I do remember."

Amazed they got away with that in the 70s or 80s.

Brilliant.

Looked it up but can’t find it anywhere. Hope it’s not mythical. If it wasn’t them it should have been!

Found it. MP Gough Whitlam in the House of Commons in the 70’s. Excellent.

[Jonquil]

Well, as we're digging up the old ones.

If a cross country run was a pant in the country, what was Fanny Craddock?

A bit like the irish tower crane driver...a funt in a gantry.

And as husband Johnny Craddock famously said, "I hope your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's."

[cobra kid]

Vipers said:

Classic, good old British humour, before the snowflakes and woke brigade descended upon us, bloody good actors as well, days long gone me thinks.

Snowflakes and woke.

"I can't think for myself so I have to use phrases by other made up by other people"

[Jinx]

cobra kid said:

Snowflakes and woke.

"I can't think for myself so I have to use phrases by other made up by other people"

It used to be Mary Whitehouse and political correctness, now snowflake and woke - same mindset different demographic.