Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
tvrolet said:
mikeswagon said:
Skyedriver said:
Master Of Puppets said:
My Old Mate Dwayne moved to Johannesburg 10 years ago.
I miss Dwayne down in Africa.
Took a few moments. Toto.I miss Dwayne down in Africa.
Jeff Porcaro elaborates further, explaining: "A white boy is trying to write a song on Africa, but since he's never been there, he can only tell what he's seen on TV or remembers in the past."
tvrolet said:
Ah yes, the Toto view of the world where Mount Kilimanjaro rises over the Serengeti...as opposed to being miles away and not actually visible from the Serengeti. And don't get me started on 'solitary company'. What the hell's that about?
Still worse is the line itself..."Sure as kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeddy." Twenty syllables in one line? jeez.No one believes pensioners . An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked so in they went and found the old desk they’d shared. Andy had carved 'I love you Sally' on the top.
On their way back home a bag of money fell out of an armoured car practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and not sure what to do with it took it home. She counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!
Andy said they should give it back but Sally said they shouldn't “Finders keepers”. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day two police officers were door knocking in their neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday"?
Sally told them no but Andy said she was lying and she had hid it up in the attic.
Sally said “don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”. The policemen turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning”. “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”.
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re going”.
On their way back home a bag of money fell out of an armoured car practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and not sure what to do with it took it home. She counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!
Andy said they should give it back but Sally said they shouldn't “Finders keepers”. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day two police officers were door knocking in their neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday"?
Sally told them no but Andy said she was lying and she had hid it up in the attic.
Sally said “don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”. The policemen turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning”. “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”.
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re going”.
I'm fed up of comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don't know what they're talking about.
Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche.
Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance and haven't depreciated since I bought them.
Literally the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa.
Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche.
Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance and haven't depreciated since I bought them.
Literally the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa.
One day a young woman had just started playing her
round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's
wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she
replied.
He nodded knowingly and said..
'Then your feet were too far apart.'
round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's
wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she
replied.
He nodded knowingly and said..
'Then your feet were too far apart.'
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained:"I'm going to give you some suppositories.
I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks his his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
"Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
The doctor examined him and explained:"I'm going to give you some suppositories.
I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks his his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
"Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
Two guys talking in the pub.
"I am so careful when I go home after a night out" says the first guy,
"I park the car round the corner, I creep in through the back door, I take my clothes off in the bathroom, I never turn the lights on, and I creep into the bedroom and get into bed as gently as I can, and she is always awake and b
hing at me for being home late and disturbing her sleep"
"You are doing it all wrong" says the second guy,
"I screech to a stop in the driveway, I bang open the front door, I put all the lights on, I stumble up the stairs, I burst into the bedroom and rip my clothes off, I jump into bed, rub her back and shout any chance of a blow job. And you know what, she is always fast asleep"
"I am so careful when I go home after a night out" says the first guy,
"I park the car round the corner, I creep in through the back door, I take my clothes off in the bathroom, I never turn the lights on, and I creep into the bedroom and get into bed as gently as I can, and she is always awake and b
hing at me for being home late and disturbing her sleep""You are doing it all wrong" says the second guy,
"I screech to a stop in the driveway, I bang open the front door, I put all the lights on, I stumble up the stairs, I burst into the bedroom and rip my clothes off, I jump into bed, rub her back and shout any chance of a blow job. And you know what, she is always fast asleep"
Vipers said:
No one believes pensioners . An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked so in they went and found the old desk they’d shared. Andy had carved 'I love you Sally' on the top.
On their way back home a bag of money fell out of an armoured car practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and not sure what to do with it took it home. She counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!
Andy said they should give it back but Sally said they shouldn't “Finders keepers”. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day two police officers were door knocking in their neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday"?
Sally told them no but Andy said she was lying and she had hid it up in the attic.
Sally said “don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”. The policemen turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning”. “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”.
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re going”.
Thanks for that one it's your best one so far. On their way back home a bag of money fell out of an armoured car practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and not sure what to do with it took it home. She counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!
Andy said they should give it back but Sally said they shouldn't “Finders keepers”. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day two police officers were door knocking in their neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday"?
Sally told them no but Andy said she was lying and she had hid it up in the attic.
Sally said “don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”. The policemen turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning”. “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”.
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re going”.
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