Cracking retorts...

[minimax]

Plotloss said:

To expand on the your mum theme a moment.

The most offensive thing you can say in Mandarin is apparently.

Your mother owes my dog money.

I remember scruffy saying that to that adrianjaye bloke a few years ago when he inadvisably posted up links to his cringeworthy website with pics of him posing with a fake gun and an old porsche 944 with cartoon decals on it...

I seem to remember that Ted locked the thread after that

[Flat in Fifth]

Obviously I'm on the wrong thread

Failure analysis :- Sterilizer Retort

[Tyre Smoke]

- Why are you so fat?

- Because every time I fd your mother she gave me a biscuit.


One of my particular favourites.

[Wacky Racer]

In the film "Enigma".....

Creepy office manager to young office girl.....

"Do you know, you don't look too bad without your glasses"



Girl:-

"Neither do you"...

[ApexJimi]

The Churchill one's are absolutely devastating

As for the "Mum" based retorts, I reckon us scots do that one best;

"Aye, how's yer maw?!"

[ewenm]

Flat in Fifth said:

Obviously I'm on the wrong thread

Failure analysis :- Sterilizer Retort

I was going to make a Chemistry joke too, but pulled back in time!

Edited by ewenm on Friday 15th September 11:45

[puffpuff]

"It takes one to know one." has its uses.

[TheExcession]

On of my favourites, and I do use it quite often, is...

"When I want your opinion I'll tell you what it is..."

[viper_larry]

I always like to use this one when someone's spent ages telling me something totally useless:

"Relevance in my life???"

[ProPlus]

had a good one a week ago, was walking home eating nuts and puting the sheels in my free hand when the following coversation kicked off:

Bird : I hope your not going to throw them on the floor

I turn round to see 2 yummy mummies pushing the off spring from hell.

Me : Eh
Bird : I hope your not going to throw them on the fall
Me : No Im just about to put them in the bin over there
Bird : Good, well its just as well I reminded you...
Me : Thanks

I walk over to her offspring. Bend down and say

Me : is this yours??
Bird : Yep
Me : hes cute.

At this point a take aout a nut and say

Me : Monkey wanna nut!!!

The other bird starts pissing herself, I stand up and walk off.

Owned!!!!!

[stone]

ProPlus said:

had a good one a week ago, was walking home eating nuts and puting the sheels in my free hand when the following coversation kicked off:

Bird : I hope your not going to throw them on the floor

I turn round to see 2 yummy mummies pushing the off spring from hell.

Me : Eh
Bird : I hope your not going to throw them on the fall
Me : No Im just about to put them in the bin over there
Bird : Good, well its just as well I reminded you...
Me : Thanks

I walk over to her offspring. Bend down and say

Me : is this yours??
Bird : Yep
Me : hes cute.

At this point a take aout a nut and say

Me : Monkey wanna nut!!!

The other bird starts pissing herself, I stand up and walk off.

Owned!!!!!

Yeah right!

[stone]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

I do have my doubts.

Indeed! Although if accurately presented certainly worthy of a pedestal

[racingsnake]

Bernard Manning stopped in mid performance by punter who has just stood up in the audience at the Embassy Club ...

Manning - "Where the f**ck are you going you ugly b*****d?"



Punter - "Im off for a piss before the comedian comes on"

Room falls apart - Manning lost for words 1st time ever.
Class.

[robinhood21]

Young girl in strapless evening-gown, being asked by an older gentleman as to what exactly is holding up the gown, replied "Your age"

[JagLover]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Right then Proplus; if you can provide us with signed affidavits from all the witnesses present; you can go on the pedestal.

Edited by JagLover on Friday 15th September 13:13

[mondeohdear]

muley said:

A friend of mine was chatting up a leggy blonde, and was somewhat deflated when she said 'You remind me of my father'...

Retort: "So how long have you had this Electra complex then"

ETA Sorry, forgot it was a leggy blonde, you'd have to explain what an Electra complex is

Edited by mondeohdear on Friday 15th September 13:16

[Einion Yrth]

mondeohdear said:

[quote=muley]A friend of mine was chatting up a leggy blonde, and was somewhat deflated when she said 'You remind me of my father'...

Retort: "So how long have you had this Electra complex then"

He said blonde, she'd be unlikely to comprehend such a reference.

ETA
I typed that before he edited his post, honest.

Edited by Einion Yrth on Friday 15th September 13:17

[stone]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Sounds perfectly reasonable! Good suggestion

[diddyman]

Me: "Your hair's a different colour to when I last saw you."

Girl: "Oh, what colour was it then?"

Me: "The same colour as your roots"

[celticpilgrim]

in addition to the 'here's 10p, go phone someone who gives a sh*t (which is now 20p)

'Here's 20p, go phone a freind'...

'Actually, here's 40p, phone all of them!!!'

(worked better when it cost 10p)