Cracking retorts...
Discussion
Tyre Smoke said:
- Why are you so fat?
- Because every time I f
d your mother she gave me a biscuit.
One of my particular favourites.
- Because every time I f
d your mother she gave me a biscuit. One of my particular favourites.
Said by SA cricketer Eddo Brandes to Glenn McGrath after McGrath asked him why he was so fat ...
Another cricketing one is Matthew Hayden being out in a Test and someone saying: "Never mind mate, Bradman got nought in his last Test as well ... "
Shane Warne to Darrell Cullinan (who was coming back after a break from Test cricket), as walked to the wicket:
Warne: "I've waited two years to get you out again"
Cullinnan: "Yeah, and it looks like you spent the whole time eating."
Son of a Vette said:
Think it's more urban legend........I've yet to meet a doorman that sharp
A few years ago I did occasional work as stage crew, one of my colleagues was also a doorman at times.
Loud mouthed, irritating, American roadie: Gee, that pizza's small, over in the states our pizzas are twice that size.
Colleague: Yes, like you do, we make them to fit our mouths.
WouldbWelder said:
Tyre Smoke said:
- Why are you so fat?
- Because every time I fd your mother she gave me a biscuit.
One of my particular favourites.
- Because every time I f
d your mother she gave me a biscuit. One of my particular favourites.
Said by SA cricketer Eddo Brandes to Glenn McGrath after McGrath asked him why he was so fat ...
Another cricketing one is Matthew Hayden being out in a Test and someone saying: "Never mind mate, Bradman got nought in his last Test as well ... "
Shane Warne to Darrell Cullinan (who was coming back after a break from Test cricket), as walked to the wicket:
Warne: "I've waited two years to get you out again"
Cullinnan: "Yeah, and it looks like you spent the whole time eating."
I fully admit to being guilty of plagiarism. I think it's brilliant. Can be adapted fr nearly every situation too.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
No witnesses.... but have told most of my mates about it and they all agreed it was fantastic... Don't usual have the guts to do things like that but had had a bad day at work and the oppotunity just rose.... Shouldn't be difficult to re-create Clapham common is crawling with Yummy mummies/Nannies pushing the little bastards round!!
It brightened my day even if you lot don't believe....
I don’t get this “Your Mother” thing. Do you just say those two words or add the ending of your choice after it? If someone said “Your mother” and nothing else to me at the end of a conversation I’d just look at them like “WTF are you talking about” rather than being taken aback at their sharp witticism. Is it some kind of gangsta culture insult that I’m hopelessly out of touch with? 
TonyHetherington said:
LGF - I saw on Green Wing (the hospital comedy series on channel 4) the most PERFECT sentence for you to say to that guy....
...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....
.....and get up and walk off. Genius
...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....
.....and get up and walk off. Genius
I've used that before. Never seen Green Wing though
t or just good at your hobby' is a favourite... t1grm said:
I don’t get this “Your Mother” thing. Do you just say those two words or add the ending of your choice after it? If someone said “Your mother” and nothing else to me at the end of a conversation I’d just look at them like “WTF are you talking about” rather than being taken aback at their sharp witticism. Is it some kind of gangsta culture insult that I’m hopelessly out of touch with?
I think what you've touched on is part of it in today's "culture", however in broad Scots vernacular, utterings of "Aye, yer Maw!" or "How's yer Maw?!" have been used in insult for a fair old time.
ApexJimi said:
t1grm said:
I don’t get this “Your Mother” thing. Do you just say those two words or add the ending of your choice after it? If someone said “Your mother” and nothing else to me at the end of a conversation I’d just look at them like “WTF are you talking about” rather than being taken aback at their sharp witticism. Is it some kind of gangsta culture insult that I’m hopelessly out of touch with?
I think what you've touched on is part of it in today's "culture", however in broad Scots vernacular, utterings of "Aye, yer Maw!" or "How's yer Maw?!" have been used in insult for a fair old time.
my uncle (broad scots accent from Greenock) explained this to me in the pub a few years ago
The dogging thread reminded me of this, happened a few years ago when I was about 19
My girlfriend and I parked up, one winter's night, in the car park of a local sports ground.
We'd both been at work (until 10) and I was taking her home, but we needed to 'talk' at length about some problems we were having in our relationship, so I parked up for the argument.
In fact, we didn't really row at all, but did stay talking for way over an hour.
Anyway, predictable plod arrives, must be 11.30, and pulls up nearby.
Gets out.
Walks over.
My windows are steamed up like I'm boiling a kettle in the car, because it's bloody cold out.
He couldn't have seen inside the car, so was going on a (fair) assumption.
Knocks on window, and I wind it down.
We're both fully clothed and calm, but like a tit he goes ahead and says it anyway -
"Shouldn't you be up to that sort of business in the bedroom?"
Oh dear. I reply,
"But this is my sister, officer?!" and pull a puzzled look.
I can't believe I kept a straight face! He just left, not a word more
My girlfriend and I parked up, one winter's night, in the car park of a local sports ground.
We'd both been at work (until 10) and I was taking her home, but we needed to 'talk' at length about some problems we were having in our relationship, so I parked up for the argument.
In fact, we didn't really row at all, but did stay talking for way over an hour.
Anyway, predictable plod arrives, must be 11.30, and pulls up nearby.
Gets out.
Walks over.
My windows are steamed up like I'm boiling a kettle in the car, because it's bloody cold out.
He couldn't have seen inside the car, so was going on a (fair) assumption.
Knocks on window, and I wind it down.
We're both fully clothed and calm, but like a tit he goes ahead and says it anyway -
"Shouldn't you be up to that sort of business in the bedroom?"
Oh dear. I reply,
"But this is my sister, officer?!" and pull a puzzled look.
I can't believe I kept a straight face! He just left, not a word more
racingsnake said:
Bernard Manning stopped in mid performance by punter who has just stood up in the audience at the Embassy Club ...
Manning - "Where the f**ck are you going you ugly b*****d?"
Punter - "Im off for a piss before the comedian comes on"
Room falls apart - Manning lost for words 1st time ever.
Class.
Manning - "Where the f**ck are you going you ugly b*****d?"
Punter - "Im off for a piss before the comedian comes on"
Room falls apart - Manning lost for words 1st time ever.
Class.
Thats a class comeback - how could you ever respond to that!
Edited by lockstock2sb on Friday 15th September 15:40
Once whilst rather stressed I got a little heated & swore at a rather mouthy girl in the office,
She interrupted me and objected at me using such obscenities on her "virgin ears"
Without thinking I snapped back that "they were probably the only orifice she hadn't had it in"
She quickly shut up & I struggled to finish what I was trying to say amazed at what I'd said.
(I did get a talking to afterwards & had to apologise to her).
She interrupted me and objected at me using such obscenities on her "virgin ears"
Without thinking I snapped back that "they were probably the only orifice she hadn't had it in"
She quickly shut up & I struggled to finish what I was trying to say amazed at what I'd said.
(I did get a talking to afterwards & had to apologise to her).
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