Cracking retorts...

[branflakes]

Many years ago, around christmas time, very busy, in Gary Glitters favourite computer shop. Some bloke, ignoring the long line of people queueing, storms up to the customer service desk and demands to be dealt with immediately. Without hesitating the customer services manager climbs onto the desk and shouts to everyone else in the queue "Can I have everyone's attention please? This gentleman, who has just barged to the front of the queue and is demanding that he is dealt with immediately, is about to tell you why he is more important than you are."

Bloke storms out, customer services manager get a round of applause.

[Pigeon]

WS Gilbert had some good ones.

Theatre-goer (mistaking Gilbert for a flunkey): "Call me a cab!"
Gilbert: "You are a four-wheeler, sir. I am afraid I cannot call you hansom."

[unrepentant]

racingsnake said:

Bernard Manning stopped in mid performance by punter who has just stood up in the audience at the Embassy Club ...

Manning - "Where the f**ck are you going you ugly b*****d?"



Punter - "Im off for a piss before the comedian comes on"

Room falls apart - Manning lost for words 1st time ever.
Class.

That is brilliant. I must remember it for the next Chubby Brown gig.

[deltafox]

In response to someone calling you ugly:

" Oh really? Im not the one who needs to take my face for a shit!".

[loach]

In response to someone asking you to do them a big favour.
"Normally, I'd say no....(long pause)...so,... no."

[shaw-cross shark]

On being called a f4t b4stard by young drunken chav over the bar

I calmly retorted with

"I'm only fat because your mother gives me a slice of cake every time I sh4g her up the 4rse"

Lost for words does not come close

[medicineman]

To a woman in a queue in the bank complaining loudly about how crap the service was and how long it was taking to serve her (it was busy) my mate turns to me and says very loudly "Whats up with her? Do you think she's parked her broomstick on double yellows?"

[scoobz]

"So's your face."

Can be used anywhere anytime to anything said. Even if it doesnt make sense.

Courtesy of Scrubs

[UncleDave]

shaw-cross shark said:

"I'm only fat because your mother gives me a slice of cake every time I sh4g her up the 4rse"

PH 1 - 0 Chavs.

[deevlash]

I was covering a checkout at work once when a particularyly gobby man demanded to speak to the manager because I refused to accept the £10 note he'd given that was in several pieces.
"No problem Sir" I said, then hopped through the back to the office and picked up my tie etc which I'd taken off whilst eating my lunch and hadnt put on when I'd jumped onto the checkout to help with the large Queue.
I then walked back out straight up to said idiot customer and said;
"Hello Sir, I'm the manager what seems to be the problem?"
There ensued much swearing as he left in the huff with his shredded tenner and no food and much stifled laughing from me

[convert]

My cousin was stopped by the BiB on his way to Orgreave during the Miners strike.
Plod pokes his head in the car. Cousin casually says 'I don't think you'll find yer dad in here!"

[groucho]

I used to have some really bad ones. I had to hide them from my mummy.

[Fatboy]

[Alice Cupra]

One I used which caused a brief pause, followed by a swift bat around the head was, when I asked the g/f if she would do somethig for me:

Girlfriend: "What did your last slave die of?"

Me: "Disobediance"

[Dr Jekyll]

Slightly pompous colleague complained that after reading the notes I gave him he was "still none the wiser".

I took the opportunity to say "Obviously not, but FAR better informed!"

Almost as much fun as responding to one of his "are they mad or am I" rants with "the two possibilities are not mutually exclusive"

[Plotloss]

If someone calls you a cnut.

Simply reply 'Can'

[mybrainhurts]

A doorman, faced by a bloke who asked Do you know who I am?, got on his radio and said.....

Door here, can you come out. Need help, there's a bloke here who doesn't know who he is...

[z4monster]

You have a point there, but if you part your hair on the otherside no-one will see it!

Not quick off the tongue but works for me.

[BCA]

TonyHetherington said:

LGF - I saw on Green Wing (the hospital comedy series on channel 4) the most PERFECT sentence for you to say to that guy....

...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....



.....and get up and walk off. Genius

I prefer the GreenWing line: "Do you know what I really like about you?" (enthusiastically) "what?" " all." (and walk away...)

[shirley temple]

Where to start? recent put downs I have used:

"you really are living proof that care in the comunity doesnt work"

"did you have to hit every branch, when you fell out of the ugly tree?"

"you are living proof of why cousins shouln't marry"

"I can hardly contain my indifference"

" can you imagine him/her with a personality?" "me niether"

and my all time favourite is:

"you have delusions of adequacy"

:rof::rof:

and yes I have used all of them at one time or another