Cracking retorts...

[Harry Flashman]

5 minutes ago. Not cracking as such, but reflects my mood.

Took the lift up one storey, as otherwise it involves walk to other end of building to take escalator and then walk back the length of the building (no stairs except for emergency, due to idiocy of architects).

Some porky Essex type (generic admin dross) clucked and huffed "do you need to take the stairs for one floor" (clearly enraged that the delay may keep her a minute longer than necessary from her beloved crisps and chocolates).

I replied "if we're talking about personal habits, you may want to try some salad and a gym membership" and stalked off.

I hate fat people.

[blindswelledrat]

T0nup said:

When confronted by a thug who has taken a dislike to you and says "What you lookin at?"... Retort. "I don't know, it's not labelled."

Having listened to a long and boring story for the 10th time... "Theres another 30 minutes I'll never get back."

If anyone speaking to you refers to friends they might have... "Wait, you have friends... When did this happen?"

When someone feels the need to laugh loudly at their own joke... Tap on the shoulder as say "Calm down, you're wasting valuable oxygen."

The cold winter nights must fly by in your house.

If I said to you that you were unfunny, would you reply "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?"

[MocMocaMoc]

J114rvy][report] [news said:

  Yesterday (10:02)
In light of some posters cynicism as to whether some of these retorts are true;

Colleague of mine is talking large volumes of horse sh*t. I pay lip service until I break... "Mate, you're having me on..."

The (serious and straight faced) retort;

"No! You're... You... You're having ME on!!!!"

Genius.

(This was all very good natured, ill add. We'd been working together long enough to not have to pretend what the other person was saying was of any worth, if waffling)



I bet time fly's by when you two work together !!! - genius

That was kind of the point.

[im]

blindswelledrat said:

T0nup said:

When confronted by a thug who has taken a dislike to you and says "What you lookin at?"... Retort. "I don't know, it's not labelled."

Having listened to a long and boring story for the 10th time... "Theres another 30 minutes I'll never get back."

If anyone speaking to you refers to friends they might have... "Wait, you have friends... When did this happen?"

When someone feels the need to laugh loudly at their own joke... Tap on the shoulder as say "Calm down, you're wasting valuable oxygen."

The cold winter nights must fly by in your house.

If I said to you that you were unfunny, would you reply "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?"

[Hugo a Gogo]

gowmonster said:

dave stew said:

gowmonster said:

Yes, but they don't need passports to get into France.

Since when? I had to show mine last month at Dinard airport...

1990, Doesn't have to be a passport, just an eu recognised ID card, eg driving license.
http://europa.eu/travel/doc/index_en.htm

if you'd even read your own link you'd see that it's talking about Schengen countries - UK is not in the Schengen agreement

[merc_man]

A story from a colleague told to me on the golf course.

So, there was a group of us having a drink and one of us was at the bar waiting to get served. A guy came to the bar, someone of self perceived importance, and tried to jump the queue. Well our mate turned to him and said "You can wait your turn like everyone else", to which the man responded, in a classic style, "Do you know who I am?"

Our mate responded by shouting over to us "Here lads, there's a bloke here who doesn't know who he is".

A great put down to a pompous idiot.

[gog440]

merc_man said:

A story from a colleague told to me on the golf course.

So, there was a group of us having a drink and one of us was at the bar waiting to get served. A guy came to the bar, someone of self perceived importance, and tried to jump the queue. Well our mate turned to him and said "You can wait your turn like everyone else", to which the man responded, in a classic style, "Do you know who I am?"

Our mate responded by shouting over to us "Here lads, there's a bloke here who doesn't know who he is".

A great put down to a pompous idiot.

I have had this a few times when I worked in xray in the NHS, people deciding that they were too important to queue like everyone else. One was a tv presenter who came out with the classic do you know who I am line, my answer in front of a crowded waiting room was "yes, you are the person who is waiting their turn like everybody else."
The other was a minor sportsman, I did know who he was but I just denied all knowledge of who he was

[LordGrover]

I'm sorry to say my best retorts usually come to mind hours, days or weeks too late.
Just not quick-witted (or brave) enough at the time.

[mat777]

I remember watching a comedian once on live at the Apollo. He was an American and was talking about how he been stopped for riding his (loud) US spec Harley in London.

WPC: you shouldn't be riding this motorbike, it's illegal over here
Him: yeah we'll you shouldn't be a police officer, you're a woman!

[The Nur]

LordGrover said:

I'm sorry to say my best retorts usually come to mind hours, days or weeks too late.
Just not quick-witted (or brave) enough at the time.

The French have a word for this, apparently it roughly translates to "Thoughts from the bottom of the stairs"

I'll be damned if I can remember what it is though. I am similarly afflicted like yourself.

[gowmonster]

Hugo a Gogo said:

gowmonster said:

dave stew said:

gowmonster said:

Yes, but they don't need passports to get into France.

Since when? I had to show mine last month at Dinard airport...

1990, Doesn't have to be a passport, just an eu recognised ID card, eg driving license.
http://europa.eu/travel/doc/index_en.htm

if you'd even read your own link you'd see that it's talking about Schengen countries - UK is not in the Schengen agreement

I was wrong!

that website said:

There are no longer any frontier controls at the borders between 22 EU countries. This is thanks to the Schengen rules which are part of EU law. These rules remove all internal border controls but put in place effective controls at the external borders of the EU and introduce a common visa policy. All EU countries are full Schengen members except for Bulgaria, Cyprus, Ireland, Romania and the United Kingdom. Iceland, Liechtenstein, Norway and Switzerland are also Schengen members but are not in the EU.
You will therefore need to present a valid passport or ID card when travelling to the five non-Schengen countries and when entering or leaving the EU at the external borders.

is a driving license considered an ID card? if so I'm right it doesn't have to be a passport, if not then I'm indeed wrong...

as far as this retort goes it's pretty rubbish, anywho, enough of the tangent.

[Birdster]

silverfoxcc said:

At work. One woman never arrived at her correct time, Boss has had everal 'quiet words' with the formal one being mentioned.

All of which fell on stoney ground.

Monday its 8.45 and still no sign. Eventually she breezes in. Boss starts giving her the big last chance speech.

She stops him dead with 'be fair, its the first time this week'

I know this is an old post, but I just laughed out loud in the office reading that.

[Hugo a Gogo]

gowmonster said:

schengen stuff..

ok, to be fair, you don't need a passport if travelling within the zone, so you can enter France without a passport, just not from the UK (or the US for that matter)

anyway, carry on

[omgus]

mat777 said:

I remember watching a comedian once on live at the Apollo. He was an American and was talking about how he been stopped for riding his (loud) US spec Harley in London.

WPC: you shouldn't be riding this motorbike, it's illegal over here
Him: yeah we'll you shouldn't be a police officer, you're a woman!

A truly terrible telling of a very funny story. Youtube is blocked at work but i will try to get the link later.

[AstonZagato]

The Nur said:

LordGrover said:

I'm sorry to say my best retorts usually come to mind hours, days or weeks too late.
Just not quick-witted (or brave) enough at the time.

The French have a word for this, apparently it roughly translates to "Thoughts from the bottom of the stairs"

I'll be damned if I can remember what it is though. I am similarly afflicted like yourself.

Esprit d'escalier

[The Nur]

AstonZagato said:

Esprit d'escalier

Thanks very much, I can never remember it!

[Gizmoish]

The Nur said:

LordGrover said:

I'm sorry to say my best retorts usually come to mind hours, days or weeks too late.
Just not quick-witted (or brave) enough at the time.

The French have a word for this, apparently it roughly translates to "Thoughts from the bottom of the stairs"

I'll be damned if I can remember what it is though. I am similarly afflicted like yourself.

"L'esprit de l'escalier."

Literally 'the spirit of the staircase' - but as you said, the point is that you think of the comeback at the bottom of the stairs, when you've been "served" and had to leave the party and are almost out of the building.

[The Nur]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L'esprit_de_l'escalie...

I might as well leave that there, a short but moderately interesting Wikipedia entry that I believe to be pertinent to the topic at hand

[Landlord]

The Nur said:

AstonZagato said:

Esprit d'escalier

Thanks very much, I can never remember it!

You guys watched Tim Minchin too, right?

he talks about it in his stand-up show (which is brilliant by the way) in case you don't know what the hell I'm on about!

[The Nur]

Landlord said:

The Nur said:

AstonZagato said:

Esprit d'escalier

Thanks very much, I can never remember it!

You guys watched Tim Minchin too, right?

he talks about it in his stand-up show (which is brilliant by the way) in case you don't know what the hell I'm on about!

I am a fan of Tim Minchin but I do not think I have seen this particular sketch...