Stupidest/Funniest Sexual Moment
Discussion
Just after my divorce I did the "17 year old girl" thing. She was cool but had a few quirks, like being very flexible (but I'll save that for another time) and loving to insert things in herself.
So, during a night of fun she looks at the brass balls on the tops of the bed-posts and says "they look like fun, I think I'll squat down on one" and she does, with great glee.
Then she tries to get off
It must have been a combination of the suction caused by her "wetness" and muscle contractions caused by her enjoyment but............she was stuck. I obviously helped the best I could, which isn't easy when you are so concerned! 
It took about 1/2 hour to get her off (of the bed post!) and she was sore for the next couple of days (damn!).
Had a second laugh when I sold the bed to a couple of lesbian friends, especially when the 17 year old saw it at their place and asked if I had told any stories about it.
So, during a night of fun she looks at the brass balls on the tops of the bed-posts and says "they look like fun, I think I'll squat down on one" and she does, with great glee.
Then she tries to get off
It must have been a combination of the suction caused by her "wetness" and muscle contractions caused by her enjoyment but............she was stuck. I obviously helped the best I could, which isn't easy when you are so concerned! It took about 1/2 hour to get her off (of the bed post!) and she was sore for the next couple of days (damn!).
Had a second laugh when I sold the bed to a couple of lesbian friends, especially when the 17 year old saw it at their place and asked if I had told any stories about it.
cornishgirl said:
The Ben said:
cornishgirl said:
I was going to post my naughty beach story but reading above I cannot begin to compete with Vesuvius.
So I'll just leave a instead.
Dont be shy, and if its any good, are you single and like sex?? and if its rubbish, are you single and like sex???So I'll just leave a
instead.in fact even if you dont have a story are you midly atractive, single and like sex??
So, just the chapter headings and you can fill in the gaps.
18
Boyfriend
Late Night
Beach
Clothes off
Rudies in the surf
Some b
ard steals our clothesAnd, how I got home and into the house without mum seeing me
Got more than a few from over the years. One of the worst was when as a young lad, about 19, the older woman I was seeing had a thing for doing it outside. Fair do's. You can guess the rest.
Cue one amazing summers evening, in the grounds of our local Stately home, she's on the ground, legs at 10 to 2 behind this massive oak tree. I'm down there, drinking from the furry cup by means of a warm up to making the beast with two backs.
Next thing, I hear this symphony of metallic clacking - as the 30 strong branch of the local Mountain Bike club decide to go riding past about 6 inches from where I'm trying to get a tune out of the old jews harp.
Do you know how long it takes 30 pushbikes to get past you in a line astern formation? And there is no point trying to hide it (or even stopping) as it's bloody obvious what you're up to.
And yes, being a small world, I was recognised by more than one of the riders...
Cue one amazing summers evening, in the grounds of our local Stately home, she's on the ground, legs at 10 to 2 behind this massive oak tree. I'm down there, drinking from the furry cup by means of a warm up to making the beast with two backs.
Next thing, I hear this symphony of metallic clacking - as the 30 strong branch of the local Mountain Bike club decide to go riding past about 6 inches from where I'm trying to get a tune out of the old jews harp.
Do you know how long it takes 30 pushbikes to get past you in a line astern formation? And there is no point trying to hide it (or even stopping) as it's bloody obvious what you're up to.
And yes, being a small world, I was recognised by more than one of the riders...
BRGBert said:
V8S said:
I swear I've heard that story before on here, but it wasn't by Vesuvious. 
Maybe I'm just curfuffled.
Didn't someone else on here have that same story but it was the fit young lady he had picked up that left the Maybe I'm just curfuffled.
on his white sheets?The Phantom Menace
One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I'll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly--she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren't good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says "I suck dick like I made it up.'
I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, but that didn't seem to faze her. We didn't even make it to the bedroom. She grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants as she pushed me onto her white sofa and knelt on the ground in front of me, working me right there in her living room.
My god was I right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never once taking her mouth off my penis, slurping at the exact right moments in the exact right places. She was so good my ankles even started sweating. God bless whoever taught her.
As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth (she's one of those), and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom when I saw the sofa: there was a HUGE skid mark prominently displayed on her WHITE sofa.
I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place...and she lived a good 30 minutes away from where I was staying. As the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. f
k.Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her into her bedroom, where I had to f
k her at least 3 or 4 times to get to go to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion.I wonder if she ever found that stain.
Edited by H2DaE on Friday 25th July 19:38
chris_w666 said:
cornishgirl said:
The Ben said:
cornishgirl said:
I was going to post my naughty beach story but reading above I cannot begin to compete with Vesuvius.
So I'll just leave a instead.
Dont be shy, and if its any good, are you single and like sex?? and if its rubbish, are you single and like sex???So I'll just leave a
instead.in fact even if you dont have a story are you midly atractive, single and like sex??
So, just the chapter headings and you can fill in the gaps.
18
Boyfriend
Late Night
Beach
Clothes off
Rudies in the surf
Some b
ard steals our clothesAnd, how I got home and into the house without mum seeing me
If it happened in Corfu Sorry.
So you pinched someone's clothes in Corfu?Chainguy said:
Next thing, I hear this symphony of metallic clacking - as the 30 strong branch of the local Mountain Bike club decide to go riding past about 6 inches from where I'm trying to get a tune out of the old jews harp.
Do you know how long it takes 30 pushbikes to get past you in a line astern formation? And there is no point trying to hide it (or even stopping) as it's bloody obvious what you're up to.
And yes, being a small world, I was recognised by more than one of the riders...
While mountain biking it is not uncommon to see the wildlife in action as such! Personally I have rudely interrupted:Do you know how long it takes 30 pushbikes to get past you in a line astern formation? And there is no point trying to hide it (or even stopping) as it's bloody obvious what you're up to.
And yes, being a small world, I was recognised by more than one of the riders...
Doggers - popular in the Home Counties it seems!
A few couples in cars - shagging / BJ's at night
A couple in the bushes off Richmond Hill one warm evening having a shag
A couple shagging on a secluded bit canal at night in the countryside - they got the shock of their lives when we came around the corner with bike lights as powerful as a car
A guy getting a BJ from his lady friend in the woods.
And the most strange - a young guy standing at the back of his hatchback down a dirt fireroad in a forest one Saturday afternoon (I was riding towards the front of the car with a few mates). It is seemed a bit odd, and as I got close I saw he was reading something on his parcel shelf. As I just passed him, I looked back, to see the chap had his trousers around his ankles, reading his jazz mag, having a toss.
What was his thinking?!?!?!H2DaE said:
From that Tucker Max site, a similar story:
The Phantom Menace
One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I'll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly--she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren't good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says "I suck dick like I made it up.'
I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, but that didn't seem to faze her. We didn't even make it to the bedroom. She grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants as she pushed me onto her white sofa and knelt on the ground in front of me, working me right there in her living room.
My god was I right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never once taking her mouth off my penis, slurping at the exact right moments in the exact right places. She was so good my ankles even started sweating. God bless whoever taught her.
As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth (she's one of those), and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom when I saw the sofa: there was a HUGE skid mark prominently displayed on her WHITE sofa.
I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place...and she lived a good 30 minutes away from where I was staying. As the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. fk.
Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her into her bedroom, where I had to fk her at least 3 or 4 times to get to go to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion.
I wonder if she ever found that stain.
Hero.The Phantom Menace
One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I'll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly--she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren't good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says "I suck dick like I made it up.'
I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, but that didn't seem to faze her. We didn't even make it to the bedroom. She grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants as she pushed me onto her white sofa and knelt on the ground in front of me, working me right there in her living room.
My god was I right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never once taking her mouth off my penis, slurping at the exact right moments in the exact right places. She was so good my ankles even started sweating. God bless whoever taught her.
As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth (she's one of those), and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom when I saw the sofa: there was a HUGE skid mark prominently displayed on her WHITE sofa.
I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place...and she lived a good 30 minutes away from where I was staying. As the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. fk.
Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her into her bedroom, where I had to fk her at least 3 or 4 times to get to go to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion.
I wonder if she ever found that stain.
Edited by collateral on Friday 25th July 19:44
BRGBert said:
V8S said:
I swear I've heard that story before on here, but it wasn't by Vesuvious.
Maybe I'm just curfuffled.
Didn't someone else on here have that same story but it was the fit young lady he had picked up that left the Maybe I'm just curfuffled.
on his white sheets?Before we were married my wife lived with her parents. I often stayed over and sneaked into her room when everyone had gone to bed. I got used to finding it in the dark.
After we got married my wife’s younger sister took over what had been my wife’s bedroom.
One night, not long after we got married we were staying over at her parents. I went out with her father. He worked in the music industry and drank like (and with) the worst rock stars. He just wouldn’t accept anyone drinking less than he did, or people buying their own drinks. This usually meant a bottle of Cognac and half of lager chasers each for everyone.
We got home and the wife and I went to bed in a spare room. Part way through the night, nature called and I staggered to a bathroom.
Unfortunately in my drunken state autopilot took over and I crept into what had been my wife’s bedroom, got into bed, snuggled up, put my arm around her, cupped her breast and passed out again.
My sister-in-law screamed, but I didn’t properly wake up. My wife ran into the room in response to her sister’s scream, closely followed by the rest of her family.
Breakfast was perhaps the tensest meal I have ever been too.
After we got married my wife’s younger sister took over what had been my wife’s bedroom.
One night, not long after we got married we were staying over at her parents. I went out with her father. He worked in the music industry and drank like (and with) the worst rock stars. He just wouldn’t accept anyone drinking less than he did, or people buying their own drinks. This usually meant a bottle of Cognac and half of lager chasers each for everyone.
We got home and the wife and I went to bed in a spare room. Part way through the night, nature called and I staggered to a bathroom.
Unfortunately in my drunken state autopilot took over and I crept into what had been my wife’s bedroom, got into bed, snuggled up, put my arm around her, cupped her breast and passed out again.
My sister-in-law screamed, but I didn’t properly wake up. My wife ran into the room in response to her sister’s scream, closely followed by the rest of her family.
Breakfast was perhaps the tensest meal I have ever been too.
Bushmaster said:
BRGBert said:
V8S said:
I swear I've heard that story before on here, but it wasn't by Vesuvious.
Maybe I'm just curfuffled.
Didn't someone else on here have that same story but it was the fit young lady he had picked up that left the Maybe I'm just curfuffled.
on his white sheets?t and didnt wipe properly (or st the bed?) - possibly a mix up between the guys who swapped the girl (memory is VERY hazy!) but somehow deposited a crimped off nugget inside this birds bed, girl went ape, romance destroyed, bloke had to leg it... Something like that!?!
Buster Bakdorzin said:
Bushmaster said:
BRGBert said:
V8S said:
I swear I've heard that story before on here, but it wasn't by Vesuvious.
Maybe I'm just curfuffled.
Didn't someone else on here have that same story but it was the fit young lady he had picked up that left the Maybe I'm just curfuffled.
on his white sheets?t and didnt wipe properly (or st the bed?) - possibly a mix up between the guys who swapped the girl (memory is VERY hazy!) but somehow deposited a crimped off nugget inside this birds bed, girl went ape, romance destroyed, bloke had to leg it... Something like that!?!
t on the bed, just as the last coil touvhed cloth, in she came with his clothes nicely ironed...that max tucker is a lying bulls
tter of the highest order, he never gets any, and only an 18 year old wuold believe his stories..
Olivero said:
a) Your life in general - Going really well, actually quite surprised how well. Considering the shower of st that was last year and not having a clue what I would be doing everything now is good.
b) Your job - I love my (new) job. Lots to learn but can´t really complain about anything.
c) Your financial situation - Oh rubbish, but that doesn´t matter right now. I will need some proper well paying jobs quite soon (to pay for new gear) but sure something will turn up.
d) Your love life... - Very good.
Hun you've got all mixed up t that was last year and not having a clue what I would be doing everything now is good.b) Your job - I love my (new) job. Lots to learn but can´t really complain about anything.
c) Your financial situation - Oh rubbish, but that doesn´t matter right now. I will need some proper well paying jobs quite soon (to pay for new gear) but sure something will turn up.
d) Your love life... - Very good.
Nailed my first bird back in the early 80's. One sunday lunch at her parents house, after dinner we went upstairs to her bedroom to 'play records' after shagin for some time being quite as possible her dad knocked on the bedroom door asking if we wanted some tea. We both jumped up and got dressed in a mad rush. Unfortunatley in my haste, at the thought of getting a beating I put my jeans on without my underpants, then promptly zipped up approximately 1/2 inch of foreskin.
In then walks her dad, only to see me screaming in pain with a slowly widening circle of crimson spreading over my groin area, its unbelievable how much blood a tightly zipped foreskin can produce, doubly worse when soaked up by denim, and being berated by an angry dad.
After a short time realising that I was in serious trouble, and bleeding profusely, I found myself standing in the middle of thier dining room, in front of the rest of the family, with angry mum yanking at my zip in an effort to set me free. By this time I had a circle of blood about a foot wide, and was going light headed.
The look of hatred, but at the same time quiet satisfaction from a jewish father in this situation is a look I will never forget.
In then walks her dad, only to see me screaming in pain with a slowly widening circle of crimson spreading over my groin area, its unbelievable how much blood a tightly zipped foreskin can produce, doubly worse when soaked up by denim, and being berated by an angry dad.
After a short time realising that I was in serious trouble, and bleeding profusely, I found myself standing in the middle of thier dining room, in front of the rest of the family, with angry mum yanking at my zip in an effort to set me free. By this time I had a circle of blood about a foot wide, and was going light headed.
The look of hatred, but at the same time quiet satisfaction from a jewish father in this situation is a look I will never forget.
Penny-lope said:
Olivero said:
Hun you've got all mixed up PH playing at silly buggers and dumping this in the wrong forum once I logged in.
Should have gone here -
http://www.pistonheads.com/xforums/topic.asp?h=0&a...
ps Did you find Nessy?
Edited by Olivero on Friday 25th July 20:41
I had a party at my place when at uni, 40 odd people in a small flat. Anyway my gf at the time was giving me a hard time due to someone knocking a plant over. To save the public embarassment I asked her to come into the kitchen so I could calm her down, she then proceeded to barge into the kitchen at speed.
Unbeknown to both of us, a pal of mine was in the kitchen, back against the door to ensure privacy, with a girl on her knees err blowing his trumpet!!
The force of the door opening left her impaled in true St George stylee!!
Did wonders to solve mine and gf's argument but somehow ruined the moment for George and the dragon!!
Unbeknown to both of us, a pal of mine was in the kitchen, back against the door to ensure privacy, with a girl on her knees err blowing his trumpet!!
The force of the door opening left her impaled in true St George stylee!!
Did wonders to solve mine and gf's argument but somehow ruined the moment for George and the dragon!!
stockhatcher said:
that max tucker is a lying bullstter of the highest order, he never gets any, and only an 18 year old wuold believe his stories..
To pull a bird, a bloke just needs to be himself, and make an interested woman feel comfortable with him. Some of us are more natural than others - why shouldn't an 18 year old be incapable of being socially competent in that sense??tter of the highest order, he never gets any, and only an 18 year old wuold believe his stories..GPSS said:
Nailed my first bird back in the early 80's. One sunday lunch at her parents house, after dinner we went upstairs to her bedroom to 'play records' after shagin for some time being quite as possible her dad knocked on the bedroom door asking if we wanted some tea. We both jumped up and got dressed in a mad rush. Unfortunatley in my haste, at the thought of getting a beating I put my jeans on without my underpants, then promptly zipped up approximately 1/2 inch of foreskin.
In then walks her dad, only to see me screaming in pain with a slowly widening circle of crimson spreading over my groin area, its unbelievable how much blood a tightly zipped foreskin can produce, doubly worse when soaked up by denim, and being berated by an angry dad.
After a short time realising that I was in serious trouble, and bleeding profusely, I found myself standing in the middle of thier dining room, in front of the rest of the family, with angry mum yanking at my zip in an effort to set me free. By this time I had a circle of blood about a foot wide, and was going light headed.
The look of hatred, but at the same time quiet satisfaction from a jewish father in this situation is a look I will never forget.
Good God Chap! It doesnt get any worse than that! In then walks her dad, only to see me screaming in pain with a slowly widening circle of crimson spreading over my groin area, its unbelievable how much blood a tightly zipped foreskin can produce, doubly worse when soaked up by denim, and being berated by an angry dad.
After a short time realising that I was in serious trouble, and bleeding profusely, I found myself standing in the middle of thier dining room, in front of the rest of the family, with angry mum yanking at my zip in an effort to set me free. By this time I had a circle of blood about a foot wide, and was going light headed.
The look of hatred, but at the same time quiet satisfaction from a jewish father in this situation is a look I will never forget.
One moment I still feel guilty about, was my first GF/shag. I was her first too. We were an item for a number of years before I had to move back to Canada. I was nailing her on my grandmothers lawn by the golf course, late one evening (one of our last) which was supposed to be romantic. Missionary under moon light. Crickets Chirping, warm summer comfort. When she started crying, sad that I was going.
Did I stop? Did I hell!
I tried to comfort her whilst continuing the jackhammering but the comforting only made her worse, which turned it into a race to reach the vinegar strokes - which left me feeling like the complete schmuck I was afterwards.
Some others that have sprung to mind:
Relaxing with a post-coital cigarette in the back seat of my old Vauxhall Cavalier, late one night in a car park in Camberley, when we hear this awful hacking sound from outside. Turns out some dog-walker's mutt was choking on my discarded "jiffy bag"...
Frolicking somewhere on Ivinghoe Beacon, I roll the lady over and she lands arse-first in a clump of nettles...
Feeling the cold, wet nose of another errant hound on my rear whilst seeing to a young lady up on "Moon Hill" in my local park...
Happy days.
Relaxing with a post-coital cigarette in the back seat of my old Vauxhall Cavalier, late one night in a car park in Camberley, when we hear this awful hacking sound from outside. Turns out some dog-walker's mutt was choking on my discarded "jiffy bag"...
Frolicking somewhere on Ivinghoe Beacon, I roll the lady over and she lands arse-first in a clump of nettles...
Feeling the cold, wet nose of another errant hound on my rear whilst seeing to a young lady up on "Moon Hill" in my local park...
Happy days.
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