Stupidest/Funniest Sexual Moment
Discussion
blindswelledrat said:
Mikeyboy said:
blindswelledrat said:
Mikeyboy said:
smutbag said:
blindswelledrat said:
Smutbag, out if interest, do you like your food, if you get my drift?
Blindswelledrate, out of interest, do you have to compensate with your fingers, if you get my drift?"ETA - No I'm not fat or even close to it.
Its a bit of a Catch-22 though. If she is slim and attractive the 'unlikely' is increased to 'no chance whatsoever' but if she is big and fat with a beard the unlikey is reduced to 'A couple more smilies and she's yours in return for a fish supper'
Probably about 20% of the times that me and the gf are at it the damn cat comes into the bedroom and pukes up in the corner of the room. I'm guessing he does not like the site of my arse or something!?! It sure puts you off...
He very rarely pukes up at any other time. Little b
d!
Not funny but I snapped the old violin string once whilst getting a tit wank. Not reccomended by anyone who does not like pain
He very rarely pukes up at any other time. Little b
d!Not funny but I snapped the old violin string once whilst getting a tit wank. Not reccomended by anyone who does not like pain
This one time I was going at it with this bird, when her BF unexpectedly turned up just before I was 'finished'.
I hid under the bed and listened as they got down to business and I helped myself along manually, so to speak.
It would have been OK, but then her horrible little Jack Russell came bounding in growling at me. It was just at the wrong moment and I unfortunately let fly all over the dog's nose. He got such a fright that he leapt on top of the bed and wiped his nose between the BF's cheeks...dirty bugger seemed to enjoy it as he let the dog stay there for an inappropriate length of time...
I hid under the bed and listened as they got down to business and I helped myself along manually, so to speak.
It would have been OK, but then her horrible little Jack Russell came bounding in growling at me. It was just at the wrong moment and I unfortunately let fly all over the dog's nose. He got such a fright that he leapt on top of the bed and wiped his nose between the BF's cheeks...dirty bugger seemed to enjoy it as he let the dog stay there for an inappropriate length of time...
blindswelledrat said:
Such an embarrassingly obvious lie.
It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.
Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.
He was wearing a kilt, too.It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.
Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.
blindswelledrat said:
Such an embarrassingly obvious lie.
It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.
Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.
Funny, that's what the dog said too!It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.
Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.
The Stuntman * said:
On another thread...
Mums know everything.I said:
Odd one, here...
I did something that my mother wouldn't approve of but I never really found out if she did know or not. I'll explain.
She used to keep a mortar and pestle on the kitchen window shelf. I was entertaining a lady friend in the kitchen one evening and things got heated. During our session (bearing in mind my mum was in the adjacent living room) I reached back for the pestle and used it as a makeshift dildo. Beautiful. It worked so well that we ended up taking it up to the bedroom with us to continue with our rogering session. I can only assume that the missing pestle had been noted by mother as when I replaced it the next morning, both the mortar and pestle ended up nestling in the bin at the end of the day.
I did something that my mother wouldn't approve of but I never really found out if she did know or not. I'll explain.
She used to keep a mortar and pestle on the kitchen window shelf. I was entertaining a lady friend in the kitchen one evening and things got heated. During our session (bearing in mind my mum was in the adjacent living room) I reached back for the pestle and used it as a makeshift dildo. Beautiful. It worked so well that we ended up taking it up to the bedroom with us to continue with our rogering session. I can only assume that the missing pestle had been noted by mother as when I replaced it the next morning, both the mortar and pestle ended up nestling in the bin at the end of the day.
VVV funny, big lollers.
Edited by stuttgartmetal on Friday 25th July 16:36
Justayellowbadge said:
blindswelledrat said:
Such an embarrassingly obvious lie.
It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.
Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.
He was wearing a kilt, too.It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.
Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.
blindswelledrat said:
Such an embarrassingly obvious lie.
It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.
Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.
Maybe he shouted "Cum here Spike"It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.
Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.
Soooo...
There i was, not a couple of nights ago, lying on my bed 'talking' with a member fo the fairer sex. We were getting on really rather well.
In fact she was getting on (off...?) incredibly well, and was just reaching that point of no return... when all i heard was 'st, hold en, er...' and the sound of teenage sproglet entering her room 'Mum, what are you?...oh? You're on the phone' whilst i apparently could be heard, loud and proud, pissing myself at the other end.
Then the door slammed shut... Quality.
Apparently it took in the region of 24 hrs before the afforementioned child would deign to speak to her again... Filthy bh that she is 
You would think a parent would be more careful. And lock the door.
Johnny
There i was, not a couple of nights ago, lying on my bed 'talking' with a member fo the fairer sex. We were getting on really rather well.
In fact she was getting on (off...?) incredibly well, and was just reaching that point of no return... when all i heard was 's
t, hold en, er...' and the sound of teenage sproglet entering her room 'Mum, what are you?...oh? You're on the phone' whilst i apparently could be heard, loud and proud, pissing myself at the other end. Then the door slammed shut... Quality.
Apparently it took in the region of 24 hrs before the afforementioned child would deign to speak to her again... Filthy b
h that she is You would think a parent would be more careful. And lock the door.
Johnny
Whilst staying with my best mates, I was out on a date with a friend who'd come through to see me. After booking a hotel, he met me at a local pub, and we proceeded to get very very drunk....
So as often happens, things get a bit carried away, and back we go to my friends place. Now it's a big house, and I had my own room of course, but for some reason we decided to use the caravan, which sits in their back garden when not in use.
The night was, as you can imagine great fun, with lots of 'drunken monkey sex', and very little sleep.
Anyway the next morning, at about 7, both my friends drive off to work....saving the whole akward introductions thankfully. I then drop him off at his hotel room...£85 wasted! And so ends the story, or so I thought.
Once I am back home, after working all day, I am meet with two very smiley faces...ends up the night before, my friends had all 3 bedroom windows open, all of which are about 8 feet away from the caravan. Now we thought we really had been quite quiet....even using a pillow at times to dull the noise
But lets just say the caravan needed a damn good oiling 
I still to this day get sgged about that night, along with others.....You'd think I'd learn the first time round
So as often happens, things get a bit carried away, and back we go to my friends place. Now it's a big house, and I had my own room of course, but for some reason we decided to use the caravan, which sits in their back garden when not in use.
The night was, as you can imagine great fun, with lots of 'drunken monkey sex', and very little sleep.
Anyway the next morning, at about 7, both my friends drive off to work....saving the whole akward introductions thankfully. I then drop him off at his hotel room...£85 wasted! And so ends the story, or so I thought.
Once I am back home, after working all day, I am meet with two very smiley faces...ends up the night before, my friends had all 3 bedroom windows open, all of which are about 8 feet away from the caravan. Now we thought we really had been quite quiet....even using a pillow at times to dull the noise
But lets just say the caravan needed a damn good oiling I still to this day get s
gged about that night, along with others.....You'd think I'd learn the first time round 
Vesuvius 996 said:
At a wedding of a Scottish friend and Gleneagles Hotel. Kilted up.
Managed to convince a girl to stay in my room that night.
Got her back to the room. Went to the bathroom to brush the teeth before getting down to it. Emerge from the bathroom to find her spread eagled naked on the top of the crisp white bed with her legs wide open.
I run towards the bed and leap Superman-like onto it, skidding across the pristine sheets. My kilt rides up around my middle, exposing my bare ar5e, whereupon I leave a three foot long "ginger wheelspin" of st on the bedcovers.
She leaves.
Managed to convince a girl to stay in my room that night.
Got her back to the room. Went to the bathroom to brush the teeth before getting down to it. Emerge from the bathroom to find her spread eagled naked on the top of the crisp white bed with her legs wide open.
I run towards the bed and leap Superman-like onto it, skidding across the pristine sheets. My kilt rides up around my middle, exposing my bare ar5e, whereupon I leave a three foot long "ginger wheelspin" of s
t on the bedcovers.She leaves.
Edited by Vesuvius 996 on Friday 25th July 15:24
Not sure if this is stupid or funny, or perhaps both.
1987. Me in RAF East Anglia, GF at Uni in Reading.
Visit her one weekend. Get jiggy with it.
Return to base.
A few days later, get "all itchy" downstairs.
Ring GF in panic.
GF assures me that she had a bit of Thrush and I've probably got a bit of it.
I ask for best treatment.
"Dettol", she says.
I buy bag of cotton wool and big bottle of Dettol and liberally apply.
Next day, Baz Jnr has turned yellow (worrying) and doubled in size (impressive).
Ring GF again in more panic.
"What did you do?"
Explained cotton wool-based Dettol application.
"No, you tt, you're meant to put a capful in your bath-water..."
1987. Me in RAF East Anglia, GF at Uni in Reading.
Visit her one weekend. Get jiggy with it.
Return to base.
A few days later, get "all itchy" downstairs.
Ring GF in panic.
GF assures me that she had a bit of Thrush and I've probably got a bit of it.
I ask for best treatment.
"Dettol", she says.
I buy bag of cotton wool and big bottle of Dettol and liberally apply.
Next day, Baz Jnr has turned yellow (worrying) and doubled in size (impressive).
Ring GF again in more panic.
"What did you do?"
Explained cotton wool-based Dettol application.
"No, you t
t, you're meant to put a capful in your bath-water..."Sciroccology said:
Not sure if this is stupid or funny, or perhaps both.
1987. Me in RAF East Anglia, GF at Uni in Reading.
Visit her one weekend. Get jiggy with it.
Return to base.
A few days later, get "all itchy" downstairs.
Ring GF in panic.
GF assures me that she had a bit of Thrush and I've probably got a bit of it.
I ask for best treatment.
"Dettol", she says.
I buy bag of cotton wool and big bottle of Dettol and liberally apply.
Next day, Baz Jnr has turned yellow (worrying) and doubled in size (impressive).
Ring GF again in more panic.
"What did you do?"
Explained cotton wool-based Dettol application.
"No, you tt, you're meant to put a capful in your bath-water..."
Did you loose him?1987. Me in RAF East Anglia, GF at Uni in Reading.
Visit her one weekend. Get jiggy with it.
Return to base.
A few days later, get "all itchy" downstairs.
Ring GF in panic.
GF assures me that she had a bit of Thrush and I've probably got a bit of it.
I ask for best treatment.
"Dettol", she says.
I buy bag of cotton wool and big bottle of Dettol and liberally apply.
Next day, Baz Jnr has turned yellow (worrying) and doubled in size (impressive).
Ring GF again in more panic.
"What did you do?"
Explained cotton wool-based Dettol application.
"No, you t
t, you're meant to put a capful in your bath-water..."Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff