Sean Connery Joke (Volume IV)
Discussion
ali_kat said:
dirty boy said:
Bill comes home from work to find his wife in the kitchen crying
"what's the matter darling" he asks
"it's tiddles, the cat, I found him dead in the washing machine, he must have crawled in there whilst I wasn't looking....poor thing"
Bill puts his arm round his wife "it's okay dear, at least you know he died in comfort"
"what's the matter darling" he asks
"it's tiddles, the cat, I found him dead in the washing machine, he must have crawled in there whilst I wasn't looking....poor thing"
Bill puts his arm round his wife "it's okay dear, at least you know he died in comfort"
SeeFive said:
The IAAF has confirmed that the sex test row athlete Caster Demenya can keep her 800m gold medal after her father Fatima Whitbread confirmed that she is female.
The mother of Caster Semenya, women’s 800m world champion, has expressed outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test. She said, “This is a real kick in the b
ks for my daughter”A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la Casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
'House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la Casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
Will I Live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I will turn 59 in a couple of months.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a st?'
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I will turn 59 in a couple of months.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a s
t?'snowy slopes said:
Plotloss said:
I said to my girlfriend last night, "Would you mind popping down to B&Q and walking up and down the paint section for me?"
"What for?" she replied.
I said, "Because you can get thinner there you fat bh."
hehehehehe"What for?" she replied.
I said, "Because you can get thinner there you fat b
h."Ganglandboss said:
ali_kat said:
dirty boy said:
Bill comes home from work to find his wife in the kitchen crying
"what's the matter darling" he asks
"it's tiddles, the cat, I found him dead in the washing machine, he must have crawled in there whilst I wasn't looking....poor thing"
Bill puts his arm round his wife "it's okay dear, at least you know he died in comfort"
"what's the matter darling" he asks
"it's tiddles, the cat, I found him dead in the washing machine, he must have crawled in there whilst I wasn't looking....poor thing"
Bill puts his arm round his wife "it's okay dear, at least you know he died in comfort"
So did I - I was teasing Clint that he'd upset me 
My Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.
I no my spelling is not too good.
My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.
Sinseerly,
Tiffanny
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short I sent a pickture of me.
Employer's response:...
Dear Tiffany,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday!
Courtesy of POJ
Cheers
The Moose
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.
I no my spelling is not too good.
My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.
Sinseerly,
Tiffanny
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short I sent a pickture of me.
Employer's response:...
Dear Tiffany,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday!
Courtesy of POJ
Cheers
The Moose
The other day I saw a magic beanstalk, so I decided to climb it. As I went up, I saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.
She said "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
Without thinking, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it.
She too beckoned to me saying "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot.
She said "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.
I was so outraged I said "Who the f**k are you!".
He replied "I'm Cess."
She said "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
Without thinking, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it.
She too beckoned to me saying "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot.
She said "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.
I was so outraged I said "Who the f**k are you!".
He replied "I'm Cess."
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