Sean Connery Joke (Volume IV)
Discussion
Shaw Tarse said:
Mr Gearchange said:
digimeistter said:
The Moose said:
Peter Andre applied for a job at a coalyard, his qualifications?
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
I may have forwarded that on
me old matey!!Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "these are some great tips! Got any more?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "these are some great tips! Got any more?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
I can't be bothered to do a transcript, so:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
Muntu said:
I can't be bothered to do a transcript, so:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
Ammused me anyway!!Cheers
The Moose
The Moose said:
Muntu said:
I can't be bothered to do a transcript, so:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
Ammused me anyway!!Cheers
The Moose
Vipers said:
The Moose said:
Muntu said:
I can't be bothered to do a transcript, so:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
Ammused me anyway!!Cheers
The Moose
Cheers
The Moose
Vipers said:
The Moose said:
Muntu said:
I can't be bothered to do a transcript, so:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWSRKc1HffQ
Well I thought it was funny!
Ammused me anyway!!Cheers
The Moose
robinhood21 said:
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.....
mummy, mummy, billy's got both his lairgs down the sleeve of the eiderdown.He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.....
The big'yin, the greatest.
The Moose said:
An RAF fighter pilot was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger, he shot them down. Back at base, he got a right b
king. Apparently they were Allied Carpets....
Cheers
The Moose
king. Apparently they were Allied Carpets.... Cheers
The Moose
mchammer89 said:
The Moose said:
An RAF fighter pilot was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger, he shot them down. Back at base, he got a right bking. Apparently they were Allied Carpets....
Cheers
The Moose
king. Apparently they were Allied Carpets.... Cheers
The Moose
im said:
mchammer89 said:
The Moose said:
An RAF fighter pilot was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger, he shot them down. Back at base, he got a right bking. Apparently they were Allied Carpets....
Cheers
The Moose
king. Apparently they were Allied Carpets.... Cheers
The Moose
sassthathoopie said:
Shaw Tarse said:
Mr Gearchange said:
digimeistter said:
The Moose said:
Peter Andre applied for a job at a coalyard, his qualifications?
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
I may have forwarded that on
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff