Discussion
’Twas the night before go-live, and all throughout git,
Not a coder was coding, no single commit;
The release was planned by DevOps with care,
In hopes that userbase would soon be there.
The PMs were nestled all snug with their charts,
While dreams of big bonuses danced in their hearts;
My team in the team room, and I with donuts,
Cracked wise about our PM being a putz;
When out from my inbox screamed a massive alert,
The PM cried, “We’ve disaster to avert!”
I opened the ticket, filled out nice and proper;
A user filed a bug, ’twas a show-stopper.
A moon faced PM cried out to us “Oh woe!”,
“We must make this release, or our jobs, they’ll go!”
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a pair of suspenders and a stained grey beard.
What a creaky old coder, a grumbly old troll,
I knew in a moment he must write COBOL.
“It’s a legacy backend, I know it quite well,”
He said, “I can fix it,” and launched a new shell.
“Now, punch cards! Now, zOS! Now, GOTO and VAXEN!
On MUMPS! On PIC(9)! on Tandem and FORTRAN!
To the top of the stack! to the top of the call!
Now compile away! Compile away! Compile -Wall!”
As tape-drives that turn before the hard disk can crash,
When met with a bug, his keyboard he did mash;
Up to the function keys, his fingers did scramble,
He cut through code tied thick as a bramble.
His cursor – how it flashed! his typing how merry!
His keyboard clattered, for the switches were Cherrys.
His droll little code was fixed up in a rush,
And the beard of his chin was the color of slush.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He grumbled a curse, but went straight to his work,
Then muttered, “Whoever wrote this code was a jerk.”
And pinching his fingers ’cross the bridge of his nose,
He said, “This function in particular blows.”
He sprang from his desk, to the team gave a whistle,
And fled the room like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“I FIXED THE DAMN THING, BUT WHO’S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE A GODDAMN GO-LIVE BEFORE A HOLIDAY WEEKEND? I SWEAR TO GOD, I’VE BEEN HERE FOR THIRTY YEARS, AND NEVER IN MY TIME HAVE I SEEN SUCH A GODDAMN ASS-HEADED IDEA. I’VE SEEN SOME DUMB PROJECT PLANS OVER THE YEARS, BUT THIS REALLY TAKES THE CAKE. AND DON’T TELL ME, ‘OH, MARKETING SAID WE HAVE TO,’ BECAUSE THAT’S A LOAD OF CRAP. AND I BETTER NOT GET A PHONE CALL THIS WEEKEND TELLING ME THE RELEASE FAILED. HAPPY GO-LIVE TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT”
Not a coder was coding, no single commit;
The release was planned by DevOps with care,
In hopes that userbase would soon be there.
The PMs were nestled all snug with their charts,
While dreams of big bonuses danced in their hearts;
My team in the team room, and I with donuts,
Cracked wise about our PM being a putz;
When out from my inbox screamed a massive alert,
The PM cried, “We’ve disaster to avert!”
I opened the ticket, filled out nice and proper;
A user filed a bug, ’twas a show-stopper.
A moon faced PM cried out to us “Oh woe!”,
“We must make this release, or our jobs, they’ll go!”
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a pair of suspenders and a stained grey beard.
What a creaky old coder, a grumbly old troll,
I knew in a moment he must write COBOL.
“It’s a legacy backend, I know it quite well,”
He said, “I can fix it,” and launched a new shell.
“Now, punch cards! Now, zOS! Now, GOTO and VAXEN!
On MUMPS! On PIC(9)! on Tandem and FORTRAN!
To the top of the stack! to the top of the call!
Now compile away! Compile away! Compile -Wall!”
As tape-drives that turn before the hard disk can crash,
When met with a bug, his keyboard he did mash;
Up to the function keys, his fingers did scramble,
He cut through code tied thick as a bramble.
His cursor – how it flashed! his typing how merry!
His keyboard clattered, for the switches were Cherrys.
His droll little code was fixed up in a rush,
And the beard of his chin was the color of slush.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He grumbled a curse, but went straight to his work,
Then muttered, “Whoever wrote this code was a jerk.”
And pinching his fingers ’cross the bridge of his nose,
He said, “This function in particular blows.”
He sprang from his desk, to the team gave a whistle,
And fled the room like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“I FIXED THE DAMN THING, BUT WHO’S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE A GODDAMN GO-LIVE BEFORE A HOLIDAY WEEKEND? I SWEAR TO GOD, I’VE BEEN HERE FOR THIRTY YEARS, AND NEVER IN MY TIME HAVE I SEEN SUCH A GODDAMN ASS-HEADED IDEA. I’VE SEEN SOME DUMB PROJECT PLANS OVER THE YEARS, BUT THIS REALLY TAKES THE CAKE. AND DON’T TELL ME, ‘OH, MARKETING SAID WE HAVE TO,’ BECAUSE THAT’S A LOAD OF CRAP. AND I BETTER NOT GET A PHONE CALL THIS WEEKEND TELLING ME THE RELEASE FAILED. HAPPY GO-LIVE TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT”
Einion Yrth said:
MartG said:
RobDickinson said:
thats s
t its not funny and its not true
Perhaps you missed the reference...t its not funny and its not true
Nope, not far enough.
Further.
Keep going.
Further.
You can still hear me? Not far enough.
matt9k said:
Another lightbulb gag ... How many PHers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Lightbulb changing help please1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
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