In sickness and in health...
Discussion
Broomsticklady said:
I'm not at the Lily point yet, but my fight with breast cancer is a bit one sided, shall we say. I also suffer from really bad clinical depression, and have for years. The combo of depression and cancer are not a happy marriage.
I have one tho - we've been together 38 years, and married most of that time. Since I was diagnosed 2 years back, David's had to carry me to the loo and lift me off it, help shower me, and beg me to eat and drink when I really didn't want to. He's put up with far more mental 'abuse' in the last 20 years than I could expect anyone to stand, and is now having to support me financially (harder for me than him, I think, having been equal earners for years).
People who know us well describe us varyingly as being 'the most married couple I know' to 'so as one it's unbelievable'. I don't know what it is that keeps him going - I ask and get told it's cos he loves me. And I know he does - don't ask me how - I just know. It hurts so much, I wonder how he'll cope without me - we've been together all of our adult lives and can't remember life without each other. He's now working from home so we can spend as much time as we've got together.
There's a saying somewhere I think that love makes the world go round - it sure does in our case.
In your case without a shadow of a doubt. Your love for each other is sign posted in everything you do. It was so obvious to see when I met you both. I can't answer the 'how will he cope question', honestly I do not know. But I do know this Nina, that in the weeks and months that have passed since Lily died, I am constantly bouyed and supported by all the wonderful memories of the intense intimate moments we shared. Do you remember right near the beginning of our big adventure I said I did not want to become Lily's carer and there were things that I did not want to do for that very reason? Well, towards the end, I did those things that at one time seemed inconceivable and almost unbearable to contemplate 'way back' this time last year. I am glad I did. I am glad that I did those things and I would do them all over again every day, all day if I had to. I have one tho - we've been together 38 years, and married most of that time. Since I was diagnosed 2 years back, David's had to carry me to the loo and lift me off it, help shower me, and beg me to eat and drink when I really didn't want to. He's put up with far more mental 'abuse' in the last 20 years than I could expect anyone to stand, and is now having to support me financially (harder for me than him, I think, having been equal earners for years).
People who know us well describe us varyingly as being 'the most married couple I know' to 'so as one it's unbelievable'. I don't know what it is that keeps him going - I ask and get told it's cos he loves me. And I know he does - don't ask me how - I just know. It hurts so much, I wonder how he'll cope without me - we've been together all of our adult lives and can't remember life without each other. He's now working from home so we can spend as much time as we've got together.
There's a saying somewhere I think that love makes the world go round - it sure does in our case.
And I think the same will be for David to. It will be the journey you shared, the love you so obviously have for each other, the intimacy, the compassion and the understanding that you are soulmates that will get him through it. It will be his big adventure part 2 and I know full well that not for a moment will he be alone or lonely. For even in his loss and grief, he will feel you, be aware of you, feel your love and closeness in every molecule surrounding him and from within him, he to will feel that love for you for all time. That is how I believe he will get through it. Perhaps think of it as a big battery you've both been charging for many years now. It will run for a very long time and every thought that brings a smile to his face, every treasured moment remembered will recharge it a little more.
... For what is created in love cannot be broken by mere death.
You know that Nina. Darling Nina you know. xx
Not an easy situation at all. I'm very closely affected with a similar situation. And could, possibly be regarded as a carer. Don't do a great deal to be bestowed with such a label so its reluctantly used.
However iv seen first hand how much is needed. Not something that is easy to deal with, mentally I could not begin to try and work out how much stress and strain it could put people in, primarily the carer.
What gets me is that in a country of such wealth that we still have child carers. How could a child deal with all the vast and complex problems required to care for someone and in cases run a house? It sickens me to think a child is under that sort of pressure, by no fault of the parent. This country is failing these children and saving a fortune by relying on them.
However iv seen first hand how much is needed. Not something that is easy to deal with, mentally I could not begin to try and work out how much stress and strain it could put people in, primarily the carer.
What gets me is that in a country of such wealth that we still have child carers. How could a child deal with all the vast and complex problems required to care for someone and in cases run a house? It sickens me to think a child is under that sort of pressure, by no fault of the parent. This country is failing these children and saving a fortune by relying on them.
Celt said:
Not an easy situation at all. I'm very closely affected with a similar situation. And could, possibly be regarded as a carer. Don't do a great deal to be bestowed with such a label so its reluctantly used.
However iv seen first hand how much is needed. Not something that is easy to deal with, mentally I could not begin to try and work out how much stress and strain it could put people in, primarily the carer.
What gets me is that in a country of such wealth that we still have child carers. How could a child deal with all the vast and complex problems required to care for someone and in cases run a house? It sickens me to think a child is under that sort of pressure, by no fault of the parent. This country is failing these children and saving a fortune by relying on them.
However iv seen first hand how much is needed. Not something that is easy to deal with, mentally I could not begin to try and work out how much stress and strain it could put people in, primarily the carer.
What gets me is that in a country of such wealth that we still have child carers. How could a child deal with all the vast and complex problems required to care for someone and in cases run a house? It sickens me to think a child is under that sort of pressure, by no fault of the parent. This country is failing these children and saving a fortune by relying on them.
Absolutely sickening that the government is happy to leave kids handling this stuff. We don't need young carers groups or trips to Alton bloody Towers, we need to give disabled parents enough support to run a household and look after their kids properly, rather than it being the other way round. Generally actually works out cheaper to fund proper in-home care, once all factors for parent and kid/s are considered.BlackVanDyke said:
You sound like you think it's not possible to be hapy and stay... 
You have a very valid point.Heart of hearts I would want her to leave. Although in my heart of heart I would want to stay for her if she was ill. Then again if she really wanted me to leave as it was what she wanted then I would begrudgingly leave to make her happy.
Heaven forbid if the situation ever arose.
dirty boy said:
I swore to in sickness and in health, but should my health decline, or I believe it's going into a serious decline, and I thought i'd be a burden, i'd check myself out.
I want my family to remember me as me, not something an illness has created, my memories of people lost are clouded by how I last remember seeing them, but that's just me I suppose.
Agreed. I was diagnosed with MS before marrying my partner. We survived it, and despite a few downs I'm really quite healthy at the moment. I think the fact that we got married having already had to deal with a huge issue like that makes us very strong. We didn't go into the marriage with any delusions about living "happily ever after". When I proposed to her it forced a really big decision and we both had a bit of a breakdown, and then ran with it.I want my family to remember me as me, not something an illness has created, my memories of people lost are clouded by how I last remember seeing them, but that's just me I suppose.
If in a few years I start being a real burden on her and the rest of my friends/family. I'll be taking the "selfish" way out. It'll be based on a decision about the pain it would cause to people vs the pain it will save them.
Strange place to be to have a view of your life where you think it's probably going to end in suicide, but you play the hand you've been dealt. Unless I get run over on my way home from work
All I will say is how much I am thankful to my husband.
As soon as we started going out, I was diagnosed with chronic renal failure. I became weak, very tired and memory slowly decreases (to a point i kept asking him the same questions throughout the day!)
This did not put him off and he continued to look after me. We got married 3 years later just before I got too bad and had to go on dialysis.
I am very lucky though as had a transplant within a few months and he looked after me throughout the months and years that followed.
We are still happy and strong, my health is much better now and we have now started to enjoy our passion for motorsport together!
If you love each other, I think thats all that matters
As soon as we started going out, I was diagnosed with chronic renal failure. I became weak, very tired and memory slowly decreases (to a point i kept asking him the same questions throughout the day!)
This did not put him off and he continued to look after me. We got married 3 years later just before I got too bad and had to go on dialysis.
I am very lucky though as had a transplant within a few months and he looked after me throughout the months and years that followed.
We are still happy and strong, my health is much better now and we have now started to enjoy our passion for motorsport together!
If you love each other, I think thats all that matters
BMWBen said:
If in a few years I start being a real burden on her and the rest of my friends/family. I'll be taking the "selfish" way out. It'll be based on a decision about the pain it would cause to people vs the pain it will save them.
Strange place to be to have a view of your life where you think it's probably going to end in suicide, but you play the hand you've been dealt. Unless I get run over on my way home from work
I don't know you but it saddens me to see you write that. I'm sure if your friends and family knew, they'd be very upset. Perhaps you are underestimating them and what you mean to them.Strange place to be to have a view of your life where you think it's probably going to end in suicide, but you play the hand you've been dealt. Unless I get run over on my way home from work
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