Depression

[Zwolf]

B4rker said:

>lots of things<

Thank you for such a candid and hopefully insightful post to many who've never - and are fortunate enough to never have to - experience depression.

I love the few I get to read in different places where people have managed to turn their lives around. Well done and congrats on the little one.

[Rickyy]

Does anyone else find themselves in a state of emotional numbness? Long story short, my Nan is dying, I am very close to her and I just can't register any feelings about the matter, I feel numb. I am also worried that when that day does come I am going to breakdown big time. I am currently taking citalopram, is this one of the side effects?

[Zwolf]

Rickyy said:

I am currently taking citalopram, is this one of the side effects?

It can be, it's the thing I like least about it as it makes me feel like a sociopath.

That, combined with the digestive disruption and total death of libido.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Rickyy said:

Does anyone else find themselves in a state of emotional numbness? Long story short, my Nan is dying, I am very close to her and I just can't register any feelings about the matter, I feel numb. I am also worried that when that day does come I am going to breakdown big time. I am currently taking citalopram, is this one of the side effects?

Yes indeed I can relate to this very strongly. When my lass was dying there were many days of feeling very numb indeed. There really is no need at all to worry about this feeling at all. All it is, is your mind closing down tight those parts that would otherwise be overwhelming. It's no more (and no less) than the basic fight/flight survival mechanism at play. At this moment, you cannot afford to be emotional. You need to be there with your nan in the way she needs and that means that some of your emotional feelings are being sidelined so they don't get in the way.

If there are moments in the days when those emotions return and you feel like grieving or crying, go with them - it's a good thing to let the pressure cooker vent once in a while. But if it doesn't happen and you remain in this emotional state for a while after your Nan's passing, then don't worry about that either. Grieving is a process that takes as long as it takes. Again, I know this from my own experiences in that some of my deeper and more profound feeling surrounding loss are only just beginning to emerge.

Rickyy, there are no 'rules' surrounding death of a loved one. All you can do is be yourself, in what ever way that is. There will be time enough for grieving afterwards, but for now you are being there, focused, maybe numb, but functioning ready for tomorrow.

Never be too hard on your self, or berate your self and really, do not worry about how you feel right now.

... and if you do break down after she has gone - what's the harm in that? If anything, it's an expression and a realisation of the profound impact she has had in your life. I wish you well and for your Nan, a speedy and kind passing. You may be there to witness it for your self, but also understand that it is very common for those we love to choose quiet moments when we are not present, to die. If this becomes the case, perhaps think of it as your Nan's ultimate expression of love and caring, in that she wanted to spare you the moments of her last breaths.

[thetapeworm]

Rickyy said:

Does anyone else find themselves in a state of emotional numbness? Long story short, my Nan is dying, I am very close to her and I just can't register any feelings about the matter, I feel numb. I am also worried that when that day does come I am going to breakdown big time. I am currently taking citalopram, is this one of the side effects?

I've lost pretty much everyone in my family with the exception of my father and unfortunately deal with this by somehow blocking specific dates and experiences from my head, not just by not mentioning them or being forgetful, I've clicked a delete button. Not being able to remember when I lost my Mum pains me but my coping mechanism for many years was to live with this, I could ask for the information but I fear how knowing / remembering this might trigger feelings I don't want... I suspect it's grief avoidance. It hasn't really helped me in later life and I regret not doing and saying a lot of things while those close to me were still around.

My (former) psychologist did manage to extract all kinds of things I had no recollection of and CBT helped but it's not a case of straight depression, I have OCPD too which makes often makes it difficult to get help because I consider myself to be a beacon of normality that the rest of the world needs to be more like (a horrific thought really when I actually switch modes and think about it).

I need to go back and speak to a psychologist again but my old one was too expensive for my medical insurance to cover for the period needed and the only help the NHS want to offer is a leaflet and a phone number where the person on the other end seems to be a robot with a script... again the OCPD makes it tricky to accept help from "inferior" people when in reality they are the ones I need to help me cope with this.

For now I keep taking the tablets and knowing what I need to do to help myself even though I rarely listen to my own advice.

[Rickyy]

Thanks guys, I thought the meds may have a part in it. I depise taking them, but they are a necessary evil!

I know I shouldn't, but I feel guilty in a way. When my Grandad, her husband, passed 12 years ago, I was distraught and with my Nan, at present I don't feel a thing whilst everyone around me is breaking down.

It is a blessing in a way, as it is allowing me to stay focused. I feel a bit better getting that off my chest (albeit to random strangers on the internet) and knowing I'm not a heartless freak!

Thanks again guys.

[richtea78]

How long have you been taking the citalopram for Ricky? I found the emotional numbness went away after a month or so. I havent found the side effects too bad to be honest.

I cant really tell any difference on the stomach front as my Crohns means I pretty much constantly have the sts anyway. If anything my stomach has improved a bit as not had any bleeding or cramps for a while which I think is down to the fact I feel better in myself.

I am single but have definitly noticed the lack of sex drive for what should be obvious reasons to any single bloke.

I take around 8 or 9 different medications on any given day including Tramadol, Codeine, immunosuppresants, sleeping pills, anti spasmodics and of course the Citalopram so its quite difficult to work out exactly which medication causes which side effect.

I have also started having CBT and this has been great. I think honestly that I have had the issues for a long time and they have got progressively worse and worse while I tried to ignore them and pretend they would go away. I have had 4 sessions so far and will probably be having quite a few more. Im not really comfortable talking about why it happens to complete strangers but it is good to identify it. Its also reassuring to know that I am not a complete weird freak and lots of people have these problems.

From the CBT I think it has made or starting to make me a better person at dealing with others. It allows me to understand a bit more about why some people do the things they do.

Im actually starting to find the whole physchology thing extremely interesting. I find it staggering how much the thoughts you have impact on what you do even on a subcounscious level.

I wouldnt say I am back to "normal" yet (well my definition of normal) but I do have at least as many good days as bad days and its continuing to improve.

[Rickyy]

Double post, phone playing up!

Edited by Rickyy on Friday 2nd November 17:42

[Rickyy]

I was prescribed it at the beginning of the year, but for one reason or another I've never taken them for more than 2 weeks at a time. I understand they don't really have an effect until 3-4 weeks.

I've recently taken them for 3 weeks solid and I feel a bit of a zombie!

There has been some hassle with the family regarding my Nan and money, which I have been trying to resolve and I broke down today! So I do have a heart, I just thinking my emotional boiling point has risen!

I'm going to push for councelling, the more I think of my upbringing, the more I realise it may have a big part in my depression.

[Brigand]

I searched for threads on the subject and have been reading this one with interest, as I think I may be at the early stages of depression. Whether it is or not I know that writing/talking about things can help regardless, so I will share my thoughts.

I've always been very much in the camp of "Depression? Just cheer up and have a laugh, that'll make you feel better." Even speaking to a girl I was dating for a short while who'd suffered it didn't really change my mind much.

I'll start at the beginning though:

Just over two years ago I left the military and moved into the civilian world, into a job that turned out to be nowhere near as 'interesting' as I thought it was going to be. I moved 150 miles away from friends and family and started a new life. I had a girlfriend of five years at the time, and she was due to join me around four months after I started the job and settled in.

The job involved working twelve hour shifts, the majority of which were alone; and the job turned out to be quite different to what I had expected - I had no real responsibilities, the company treated all of us on the shift like children, and we were essentially 'ghosts' within the company. Very important to the running of it, but rarely seen and thought of.

Soon my girlfriend moved in with me for the first time, and we immediately felt friction. I was irritable, grumpy and just didn't want to do much. Our sex life tailed off to nothing and a wedge was being forced between us because I seemed to be just pushing her away all the time.

Within my work those of us on the shift bhed and moaned a lot about the job/company, but due to our shifts we rarely got out to socialise, I was lucky if I had one evening a month out with some of them, and I didn't know anyone outside of the company other than my girlfriend.

After around eight months my girlfriend had had enough, and left me. At the time I felt it was the right thing and just let it happen. She moved back home and went back to her old life again. Meanwhile I was left in the house we'd rented, living alone and working alone. It was a bit miserable at first; going to work and being alone there if it was a night or weekend shift, then coming home to an empty house and being alone there for the few days off I had between shifts.

After a month or so I got used to it, and being a bit of a loner in general anyway I got back to keeping myself occupied but really having no social life. I'd visit home for a few days every couple of months but that would leave me with pretty much no money then to live on for the month so its a rare thing I do. Meanwhile at work, as the months tick by, morale slowly dips between my workmates as we get more and more fed up. I know I have to leave the company ASAP otherwise I'll be a miserable SOB, so I slowly begin to job hunt for things back home.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago and I've visited home for a couple of days, seen friends and family, and return to my house in good (but tired) spirits. I'd also been talking to the ex-girlfriend with an intention of trying to patch things up, realising that I was not myself during the time we lived together; it seemed to go well. The next morning though I wake up and feel a deep sense of worry, a knot in my belly. I have nothing to worry about though so I'm confused. This prevails for an hour or so then goes, but I'm left feeling really 'down' with no real reason to.

I went for a walk to lift my spirits but it didn't do much to help, and I returned home still feeling miserable with no discernable reason to. Out of curiosity though I Google symptoms of depression, and it seems I've got a few, and have had them for some time.

I live alone, work alone (majority of the time) and have no friends outside of work, so I'm alone pretty much constantly.

I don't have much money at the moment so can just about afford to run the car feed myself, there's no scope for luxuries often.

Although I know I have to leave this job and move back home, I don't know what I want to move onto, and worse of all I feel I don't have "a plan", which is something I've always had whatever I'm doing. I feel a little bit lost, stuck in the mire.

I get the feeling that I had begun to get the depression soon after my girlfriend had moved in, because I was hating the job, hours, pay etc and was essentially becoming a recluse, pushing my missus away and not talking to her about it, something I should have done in hindsight.
Months of being alone after that, the sense of having no direction to go in now, and suddenly waking up one day with deep worry and melancholy may well be another symptom.

Apologies for the very long post, and I may well be barking up the wrong tree, but putting it all in writing has made me feel a little better right now.

[johnnybegood]

Brigand said:

I searched for threads on the subject and have been reading this one with interest, as I think I may be at the early stages of depression. Whether it is or not I know that writing/talking about things can help regardless, so I will share my thoughts.

I've always been very much in the camp of "Depression? Just cheer up and have a laugh, that'll make you feel better." Even speaking to a girl I was dating for a short while who'd suffered it didn't really change my mind much.

I'll start at the beginning though:

Just over two years ago I left the military and moved into the civilian world, into a job that turned out to be nowhere near as 'interesting' as I thought it was going to be. I moved 150 miles away from friends and family and started a new life. I had a girlfriend of five years at the time, and she was due to join me around four months after I started the job and settled in.

The job involved working twelve hour shifts, the majority of which were alone; and the job turned out to be quite different to what I had expected - I had no real responsibilities, the company treated all of us on the shift like children, and we were essentially 'ghosts' within the company. Very important to the running of it, but rarely seen and thought of.

Soon my girlfriend moved in with me for the first time, and we immediately felt friction. I was irritable, grumpy and just didn't want to do much. Our sex life tailed off to nothing and a wedge was being forced between us because I seemed to be just pushing her away all the time.

Within my work those of us on the shift bhed and moaned a lot about the job/company, but due to our shifts we rarely got out to socialise, I was lucky if I had one evening a month out with some of them, and I didn't know anyone outside of the company other than my girlfriend.

After around eight months my girlfriend had had enough, and left me. At the time I felt it was the right thing and just let it happen. She moved back home and went back to her old life again. Meanwhile I was left in the house we'd rented, living alone and working alone. It was a bit miserable at first; going to work and being alone there if it was a night or weekend shift, then coming home to an empty house and being alone there for the few days off I had between shifts.

After a month or so I got used to it, and being a bit of a loner in general anyway I got back to keeping myself occupied but really having no social life. I'd visit home for a few days every couple of months but that would leave me with pretty much no money then to live on for the month so its a rare thing I do. Meanwhile at work, as the months tick by, morale slowly dips between my workmates as we get more and more fed up. I know I have to leave the company ASAP otherwise I'll be a miserable SOB, so I slowly begin to job hunt for things back home.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago and I've visited home for a couple of days, seen friends and family, and return to my house in good (but tired) spirits. I'd also been talking to the ex-girlfriend with an intention of trying to patch things up, realising that I was not myself during the time we lived together; it seemed to go well. The next morning though I wake up and feel a deep sense of worry, a knot in my belly. I have nothing to worry about though so I'm confused. This prevails for an hour or so then goes, but I'm left feeling really 'down' with no real reason to.

I went for a walk to lift my spirits but it didn't do much to help, and I returned home still feeling miserable with no discernable reason to. Out of curiosity though I Google symptoms of depression, and it seems I've got a few, and have had them for some time.

I live alone, work alone (majority of the time) and have no friends outside of work, so I'm alone pretty much constantly.

I don't have much money at the moment so can just about afford to run the car feed myself, there's no scope for luxuries often.

Although I know I have to leave this job and move back home, I don't know what I want to move onto, and worse of all I feel I don't have "a plan", which is something I've always had whatever I'm doing. I feel a little bit lost, stuck in the mire.

I get the feeling that I had begun to get the depression soon after my girlfriend had moved in, because I was hating the job, hours, pay etc and was essentially becoming a recluse, pushing my missus away and not talking to her about it, something I should have done in hindsight.
Months of being alone after that, the sense of having no direction to go in now, and suddenly waking up one day with deep worry and melancholy may well be another symptom.

Apologies for the very long post, and I may well be barking up the wrong tree, but putting it all in writing has made me feel a little better right now.

Up the job hunt and get back to where you feel loved and safe please.

[eric twinge]

Hi all

I have read through this thread and can identify with a lot of thoughts and feelings.

I often wonder at what stage me just being a miserable bugger, feeling pretty disinterested in a lot of things, struggling to really concentrate and knuckle down at work develops into something a bit more sinister.

The phrase 'fog' sums it up very well, I will often be sat on the train going to and from work and unless I am otherwise occupied I can feel this 'fog' starting to envelop me and it can get very upsetting knowing that I am going start to feel this way again for the next few days and there just doesn't seem anyway to get out of it!

A bit of background for you.

Late thirties, very happily married, two young girls. My youngest has Cerebral Palsy which I get upset about, as she struggles to do a lot of other things that other girls her age can do but she is very lucky in that she can still do a lot more than others, we were told that she wouldn’t survive a week when she was born, she is four nexct month. I love her to bits.

But it is more than that and these feelings have been hanging around for years, almost like they are sitting on your shoulder, whispering negative thoughts and generally being a pain in the arse. I struggle to have talk to my boss at work without at least thinking of flying of the handle and clearly that cannot carry on.

But most of all, why should I feel miserable all the time, why can’t I be optimistic and happy, why can some people do it and not others. So I am detemined to start getting more exercise which I am hoping will clear my head.

I was rather hoping that someone would indentify with this as I have other comments on here.

Cheers All.

[Ruskie]

eric twinge said:

Hi all

I have read through this thread and can identify with a lot of thoughts and feelings.

I often wonder at what stage me just being a miserable bugger, feeling pretty disinterested in a lot of things, struggling to really concentrate and knuckle down at work develops into something a bit more sinister.

The phrase 'fog' sums it up very well, I will often be sat on the train going to and from work and unless I am otherwise occupied I can feel this 'fog' starting to envelop me and it can get very upsetting knowing that I am going start to feel this way again for the next few days and there just doesn't seem anyway to get out of it!

A bit of background for you.

Late thirties, very happily married, two young girls. My youngest has Cerebral Palsy which I get upset about, as she struggles to do a lot of other things that other girls her age can do but she is very lucky in that she can still do a lot more than others, we were told that she wouldn’t survive a week when she was born, she is four nexct month. I love her to bits.

But it is more than that and these feelings have been hanging around for years, almost like they are sitting on your shoulder, whispering negative thoughts and generally being a pain in the arse. I struggle to have talk to my boss at work without at least thinking of flying of the handle and clearly that cannot carry on.

But most of all, why should I feel miserable all the time, why can’t I be optimistic and happy, why can some people do it and not others. So I am detemined to start getting more exercise which I am hoping will clear my head.

I was rather hoping that someone would indentify with this as I have other comments on here.

Cheers All.

I started this thread because that is how I feel at times. No warning and the 'fog' is just there. It sounds like you have a handful on at home. I would be a hypocrite if I told you to to do XYZ as I don't do anything and just deal with it myself. I find the busier I am the less time I have to think about stuff. It's a bit of a running joke with friends, family and work colleagues about how miserable I am at times but I just go along with it as I am so used it! It's very easy to lose focus and remember the important things in life such as family and health.

[Chicken Chaser]

Ruskie said:

eric twinge said:

Hi all

I have read through this thread and can identify with a lot of thoughts and feelings.

I often wonder at what stage me just being a miserable bugger, feeling pretty disinterested in a lot of things, struggling to really concentrate and knuckle down at work develops into something a bit more sinister.

The phrase 'fog' sums it up very well, I will often be sat on the train going to and from work and unless I am otherwise occupied I can feel this 'fog' starting to envelop me and it can get very upsetting knowing that I am going start to feel this way again for the next few days and there just doesn't seem anyway to get out of it!

A bit of background for you.

Late thirties, very happily married, two young girls. My youngest has Cerebral Palsy which I get upset about, as she struggles to do a lot of other things that other girls her age can do but she is very lucky in that she can still do a lot more than others, we were told that she wouldn’t survive a week when she was born, she is four nexct month. I love her to bits.

But it is more than that and these feelings have been hanging around for years, almost like they are sitting on your shoulder, whispering negative thoughts and generally being a pain in the arse. I struggle to have talk to my boss at work without at least thinking of flying of the handle and clearly that cannot carry on.

But most of all, why should I feel miserable all the time, why can’t I be optimistic and happy, why can some people do it and not others. So I am detemined to start getting more exercise which I am hoping will clear my head.

I was rather hoping that someone would indentify with this as I have other comments on here.

Cheers All.

I started this thread because that is how I feel at times. No warning and the 'fog' is just there. It sounds like you have a handful on at home. I would be a hypocrite if I told you to to do XYZ as I don't do anything and just deal with it myself. I find the busier I am the less time I have to think about stuff. It's a bit of a running joke with friends, family and work colleagues about how miserable I am at times but I just go along with it as I am so used it! It's very easy to lose focus and remember the important things in life such as family and health.

Yeah I get it too. I think I may have had the odd stint of it in my early 20s, but the last 5 or 6 years I've noticed myself going through peaks and troughs. When I know its coming on, I try to stay as positive as I can even if its difficult at times.
I think I suffer with SAD because it nearly always comes on in winter, but also happens during other periods in the year. Sometimes its lasted months, other times just a week or so. Something usually pricks it and it disappears.

I took up cycling last year and last winter I can honestly say that I hardly saw any symptoms whatsoever. I was out exercising, for hours at a time outside in the sunshine and it was as good an exercise for mind as it was for my body.

I think most of my fog comes down to my job which is why i'm trying to do something about it. Shifts, the work and everything that surrounds it has meant I have lost track of a lot of friends down the line, with 1 weekend in 5 off. Through the week I've been mostly alone as my wife works usual 9-5.

I'd advise anyone who is feeling down, whether it be diagnosed or not, look at something to focus on which you would enjoy. Whether that be sport, learning or some other pastime, immerse yourself in it, enjoy it and it will help clear the fog. An unoccupied mind can easily start wandering down a very unhealthy path.

[sparkyb999]

I agree with Chicken Chaser, I started having panic attacks about 7 years ago, and when I started to concentrate on a hobby this made it so much easier. I started to get better after a couple of years, and have been well enough to go out of the house for years now. I did it by myself, didnt go onto meds and saw help. It was the doctor that put me there in my opinion.

I had been mugged at knife point when i was in my teens, and a few years later i had to cut a 27 year old out of a car dead that had been driven over by a articulated lorry (was in the fire service)
When I started to experience the "sickness" it went on for a few weeks, so went to the doctors. He said it was stress related.

A few years on, and I am really struggling now, not with panic attacks, but just so much frustraction feeling down.. i HATE driving home from work due to the traffic, I get home and things p*ss me off there, kids always get shouted at... work makes me want to smash me head against a wall!... The only thing I do which makes me so happy is cyling and the gym. Problem is now I am doing something every day lol

I do hope that we can control the mind, you hear all these stories of suicide, and I cant imagine what must make someone trigger to do that. I feel like it at the moment, but am so scared of death I hope the mind doesnt take over!!

[mcxuk1]

Has anybody got any experience of Mirtazapine?

[Ruskie]

Another month and another 'fog'. I could tell it was coming on so tried to be subtle and pre warn my partner that I wasn't feeling very good and that I couldn't explain why. When I got in we argued over something petty and that was over a week ago with sniping going on since and her basically telling me to leave and she doesn't want to be any where near me. Had a chat tonight and got no where. No appetite, can't sleep. No enthusiasm. My other half just doesn't get it no matter what I say. Some things have been said on her part that seem pretty final. All in all in a pretty st situation. Rock and hard place spring to mind.

[richtea78]

Sorry to hear that Ruskie, what have you done about getting some help?

I know it can be very hard to ask for help but I have found the CBT really great. I cant praise it enough.

Its pretty common sense stuff so far and not all touchy feely stuff which I imagined. It makes me wonder why I didnt do anything about it sooner.

I wouldnt say I am anywhere near back to normal but I am working through it.

[Chicken Chaser]

Mine has lifted again. I've felt increasingly bouncier this last week, even with all the gloomy miserable weather we are having. Ive put it down to channelling some energies into meaningful projects and having a bit more social interaction.

[Ruskie]

richtea78 said:

Sorry to hear that Ruskie, what have you done about getting some help?

I know it can be very hard to ask for help but I have found the CBT really great. I cant praise it enough.

Its pretty common sense stuff so far and not all touchy feely stuff which I imagined. It makes me wonder why I didnt do anything about it sooner.

I wouldnt say I am anywhere near back to normal but I am working through it.

I have a very low opinion of most GP's due to my job so that's not a route for me.

Got a bking today because I was still in bed at 12 and told by OH she's off to speak to,a solicitor. Think it was an attempt to jolt me by shouting, threats etc. Not something that works for me as a rule. But then what does...?