Discussion
Speed addicted said:
My best friend died from a brain tumor today.
We've been friends for the last 35 years, Since I met him in scouts when we were about 8 and we bonded over a mural interest in fire and blowing things up..
About two years ago he was diagnosed, he had a tumor about the size of an average tangerine in his head. Surgery in France followed, the best surgeon available is there. 95% of the tumor was removed, followed by a year of chemo.
Thigs went spectacularly well, he was recovering miles better than we could have hoped.
In September the scan went perfectly. In November he stated to feel dizzy, it turned out that the tumor was now growing aggressively. Things continued quickly and he finally ended up on morphine and sedatives until his body gave out. He was 42.
I'm tired now and drunk.
I miss the most decent person I've ever met. He was essentially the conscience of my group of friends. He was funny too, throughout treatment and the final stages he was polite and friendly to the last.
All I want now is oblivion.
I've had issues before, no idea why I'm sharing now.
Very sorry to hear about your loss We've been friends for the last 35 years, Since I met him in scouts when we were about 8 and we bonded over a mural interest in fire and blowing things up..
About two years ago he was diagnosed, he had a tumor about the size of an average tangerine in his head. Surgery in France followed, the best surgeon available is there. 95% of the tumor was removed, followed by a year of chemo.
Thigs went spectacularly well, he was recovering miles better than we could have hoped.
In September the scan went perfectly. In November he stated to feel dizzy, it turned out that the tumor was now growing aggressively. Things continued quickly and he finally ended up on morphine and sedatives until his body gave out. He was 42.
I'm tired now and drunk.
I miss the most decent person I've ever met. He was essentially the conscience of my group of friends. He was funny too, throughout treatment and the final stages he was polite and friendly to the last.
All I want now is oblivion.
I've had issues before, no idea why I'm sharing now.
ED209 said:
KTF said:
My wife killed herself this afternoon. Came home to find her hanging from the bannister after she used her dressing gown cord. I don’t think I will ever forget the noise of the trapped air escaping that she made after I had cut her down and removed the cord from her neck.
She had a meeting with the mental health crisis team shortly before but I guess it didn’t go as she thought as this seemed very unplanned.h
Now I have a 21 month old who will never grow up with his mother. Hopefully he is of an age where it won’t register that she isn’t around any more and won’t be impacted by it but I really don’t know.
It’s not sunk in yet and who knows when it will. There is nothing to be gained by going through ‘what if’ as she was clearly in a very bad place.
It would be nice if the shakes I have now acquired would stop though. I am not on my own as I have my little boy to look after and also for company but it’s going to be a long old road to get over this.
A widower and single parent at 41. Not what I had in mind I must admit. It’s a good job I have been off the booze since the day he came home so it’s not part of my routine now otherwise I would probably be quite drunk by now.
Anyway, sorry for spoiling your evening but there is never a good way to break news like this.
Jesus that’s heartbreaking. Not sure how anyone could process that. Stay strong. She had a meeting with the mental health crisis team shortly before but I guess it didn’t go as she thought as this seemed very unplanned.h
Now I have a 21 month old who will never grow up with his mother. Hopefully he is of an age where it won’t register that she isn’t around any more and won’t be impacted by it but I really don’t know.
It’s not sunk in yet and who knows when it will. There is nothing to be gained by going through ‘what if’ as she was clearly in a very bad place.
It would be nice if the shakes I have now acquired would stop though. I am not on my own as I have my little boy to look after and also for company but it’s going to be a long old road to get over this.
A widower and single parent at 41. Not what I had in mind I must admit. It’s a good job I have been off the booze since the day he came home so it’s not part of my routine now otherwise I would probably be quite drunk by now.
Anyway, sorry for spoiling your evening but there is never a good way to break news like this.
Reading it has given me a bit of a kick up the arse.
I’m 42, got a 2 month old daughter who arrived 7 weeks early, my mother currently undergoing cancer treatment, dad had a stroke (thankfully fairly minor) over Christmas, wife is struggling a bit due to child and we are snapping at each other and work is very stressful at the moment.
I’ve been feeling really down, I guess things have got on top of me a bit. I have contemplated harming myself, probably due to dealing with a lot of suicide at work over Christmas as well. I really don’t think I would do it as I would hurt too many people and ruin the little ones life probably. I’m just trying to soldier on, hoping that sleeping gets better and people get better with time and my mood improves.
I did something daft last night and posted a comment on my anon Twitter account about sometimes thinking it would be best if I wasn’t around. Stupid comment and it’s provoked a bit of a reaction of support which is great however someone decided to inform the police who were trying to contact me to check my welfare.
The last thing I need is the police turning up at the door causing upset for the wife. I have spoken to them this morning and emphasised that I am ok and that I don’t need to be physically checked on. They told me the job would be closed down as a result. Let’s hope they are true to their word cos now I am s
tting myself in case they turn up at my door.I really don’t know why I feel like this at times.
I will be ok though.
Edited by ED209 on Tuesday 7th January 09:27
Sounds like this is a real 'when the going gets tough' moment in your life. It's very important that you can carry on, but it's not at all important that you do it without support.
If you've got a best man or a best mate, today is the day you lean on them a bit. They won't mind.
ive been depressed since the clocks changed ...i always forget how hard that effects me the darkness etc
how do you guys cope with living in the present without the swirl of thoughts from past and future ?
ive just started reading the book the power of now ...which makes alot of sense
how do you guys cope with living in the present without the swirl of thoughts from past and future ?
ive just started reading the book the power of now ...which makes alot of sense
housen said:
ive been depressed since the clocks changed ...i always forget how hard that effects me the darkness etc
how do you guys cope with living in the present without the swirl of thoughts from past and future ?
ive just started reading the book the power of now ...which makes alot of sense
Lots of exercise and clean eating...how do you guys cope with living in the present without the swirl of thoughts from past and future ?
ive just started reading the book the power of now ...which makes alot of sense
xjay1337 said:
To offer balance as I said, exercising and clean eating do not always work - For me I found no improved mood etc. And I went regularly (5 to 6 times a week)
Thats fair enough, but through my worst moments,, the only time I felt anywhere near normal was when I was at the gym or on the bike, appreciate it's not for everyone.My wife was ill last week and didn't take her tablets for a couple of days.
The past few days she has just been completely unstable, it's been so hard working looking after a teething baby with not that much sleep and trying to keep her with a level head.
It's happened in the past where she has forgot to take her tablets and it's like she is a completely different person. They are a wonder drug in my eyes as they even the chemical balance that isn't there when they aren't.
If you don't feel great, speak to a GP. I rate tablets more than nothing. I'm not sure if my wife will ever be trouble free but they definitely help.
The past few days she has just been completely unstable, it's been so hard working looking after a teething baby with not that much sleep and trying to keep her with a level head.
It's happened in the past where she has forgot to take her tablets and it's like she is a completely different person. They are a wonder drug in my eyes as they even the chemical balance that isn't there when they aren't.
If you don't feel great, speak to a GP. I rate tablets more than nothing. I'm not sure if my wife will ever be trouble free but they definitely help.
xjay1337 said:
To offer balance as I said, exercising and clean eating do not always work - For me I found no improved mood etc. And I went regularly (5 to 6 times a week)
I used to cycle 200+ miles a week before I got depressed. The pills made me lethargic and I cut the cycling to a great extent. I put on weight - I've had borderline hypothyroidism for most of my life. I then started to exercise; cycling and gym. It got to the stage, and remarkably quickly, where my whole day revolved around exercise. I was fixated on it. I had a psychologist and he helped me act more reasonably. Too much is as bad as too little. I met a chap in the gym, a colleague who was suffering from depression, and he was always there. Straight from work. I tried talking to him about it but was blanked. He eventually had a rupture (so he had a 7-pack - the joke didn't go down too well) and the hospital told him off. He sorted himself out, but it was tough on him.
The buzz from exercise is from endorphines, and they are more or less a drug. The high can be followed by a low and further exercise to counter it is not the answer.
Once free from the problems of depression - 4.5 years later - I returned to cycling. It felt great, a sign I was as back to 'normal' as I'd ever be, but then discovered that cycling for 50 years had damaged my spine. I really miss it, but walking is a great way of countering the irritation and slowing the degeneration of my back.
Derek Smith said:
xjay1337 said:
To offer balance as I said, exercising and clean eating do not always work - For me I found no improved mood etc. And I went regularly (5 to 6 times a week)
I used to cycle 200+ miles a week before I got depressed. The pills made me lethargic and I cut the cycling to a great extent. I put on weight - I've had borderline hypothyroidism for most of my life. I then started to exercise; cycling and gym. It got to the stage, and remarkably quickly, where my whole day revolved around exercise. I was fixated on it. I had a psychologist and he helped me act more reasonably. Too much is as bad as too little. I met a chap in the gym, a colleague who was suffering from depression, and he was always there. Straight from work. I tried talking to him about it but was blanked. He eventually had a rupture (so he had a 7-pack - the joke didn't go down too well) and the hospital told him off. He sorted himself out, but it was tough on him.
The buzz from exercise is from endorphines, and they are more or less a drug. The high can be followed by a low and further exercise to counter it is not the answer.
Once free from the problems of depression - 4.5 years later - I returned to cycling. It felt great, a sign I was as back to 'normal' as I'd ever be, but then discovered that cycling for 50 years had damaged my spine. I really miss it, but walking is a great way of countering the irritation and slowing the degeneration of my back.
I challenged myself to lose eight stone in a year back in July 2019, basing it on walking a lot and eating better. I don't have a bike, can't swim very well and at nearly 23 stone, running certainly wouldn't be the answer, especially for my knees! So walking it was, and I'm really luck to live less than 100 yards from the Bristol to Bath cycle path.
Since July, I've spent four or five days every week walking along the path so that I know every rut, branch and bridge there is. Often walk to a lovely pub that sits along the cycle path though often it's not open so I turn around there and walk back. Clears my mind properly, and now and again, I'll stick some headphones on and listen to music. I've lost more than four stone too, and that in itself also improves my mental health because if I look better, I feel better.
NoVetec said:
Walking does seem evolutionary pleasing. Always feel better in body and mind after a decent one.
Rarely get with bored with it too, and never bored whilst walking. Wish that was the same for the gym, amongst many other things in life.
I might try walking.Rarely get with bored with it too, and never bored whilst walking. Wish that was the same for the gym, amongst many other things in life.
Problem is there are no nice walks near me - There is a small canal to the town center but it goes through
central ! lol
Currently my life’s a mess and really don’t know what to do, my thoughts are all over the place. I’ve changed my pistonheads name today as been reading this thread for years but now so desperate I am reaching out. I am going to be as honest as possible and just put it out there!
I been married for 16 years and now my wife has said she wants out…we have 2 beautiful boys who are everything to me. I been depressed for around 8 years and now and my wife claims she’s been unhappy for 8 years. I am refusing to give the marriage up as I don’t feel anyone has tried hard enough to save it and was never actually aware things were this bad. I still manage to hold a job down in the city and if I were to lose my job there is absolutely no way we could afford the house mortgage let alone the cars. She also works, but only 10 mins from our house, whilst I have a 3 hr daily commute but she’s always said she wants to be near our children even though now my dad has retired and drops and pick up both my lads.
I think our issues stem from her not understanding my illness and never discussing it with me, yet claiming she tries to help by doing the kids homework and other things around the house. I resent her for not even asking me how I am, she has listened too many of my recorded chats with psychologist/psychiatrist where we have discussed suicide and various other sad things yet she never talks to me about it. I’ve even bought her books to help, sent her websites that can help, then I come home hoping she will discuss something she’s read to help the situation but nothing. This then leads to get frustrated/angry/rage and we end up having a huge fight where I end up calling her every name under the sun, I’ve also thrown her out of bed and recently I punched the windscreen and elbowed her in the arm whilst arguing in the car.
It all came to a head when we went to relate for one session and they ask you what you want, I said I want to fight for everything she said “I have two choices one is to live the way I am (unhappy) or to split up”. This really hurt me and I just couldn’t stop crying for days. The on Saturday the 1st of February I lost the plot went berserk when my brother and sister tried to mediate and all my wife could say she wants out. It’s just a huge blur the kids were crying everyone was crying and they all left the house. She then called a mate of mine who my wife calls whenever things get bad as he is also a sufferer of mental health issue and understands. We had a chat and he calmed things down…That night I spent on my own I was crying could not sleep I had even started to walk round the garage finding what could hold my weight should I decide to end it. She turned up next day as I was leaving her VMs all night. She came in and she just said she can’t cope anymore, I said I would change I was on my knees begging her holding her feet crying just anything to save us for the sake of the kids. I managed to get her to agree to a month’s break and moved in with my parents.. I’ve now left there as my brother is hard work and picks on his wife and I had go at him and left for my own sanity (irony).
It’s a vicious circle, in the last 12 weeks I been doing my best to help everything at home, have started seeing a Psychiatrist who has now upped my citalopram to 40mg. I’ve also been seeing a clinical psychologist, I even got occupational health involved and that is something I really did not want to do as had a bout of quite bad depression (8years ago) at a US Investment bank and as soon as I got signed fit I was put on consultation. I’ve never really got over that and if I am feeling low I book a day off than go sick as so scared of losing my job but on occasions I will take a week out but even this is stressful as I find myself hiding from my kids and dad, let me explain…. So no one finds out that I am sick I leave the house before my kids wake up and return home whilst they are at school and leave before they get back….. Recently I did this for a week and the Monday after I had a week off, I had a doctors appointment and told everyone so I wouldn't have to run around hiding from the kids as I was exhausted. Me and wife were not talking she was being more heartless than ever so I read a whatsapp chat where she being advised to not talk to me and stick to her guns and she is said she was going to….the worst of it all was that she said to her friend “he’d been telling everyone he’s got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, just another cry for help really isn’t it”. That really upset me and I even discussed it in my session with psychiatrist and he didn’t say much!
I know I am not perfect but I am willing to fight for everything in life including my relationship. I just can’t understand how someone can just say it’s over when they have actually never helped. Never been to a doctor’s appointment with me, never come to any of my psychologist sessions, even though recently she said she would but a day before called me to say she couldn’t due to an audit at work.
My doctor asked me if I would like my wife to come to the doctors with me or a session with me I just say she’s busy and it’s fine as I don’t expect people to do things for me….He then reversed the question on me and said what if it was her sat here who had depression what would you do…I said I would be here with her and would attend all sessions she wanted me at. My psychiatrist asked me the other day if my wife had ever cooked a meal for me mid week something specific for me, and in 16 years I can’t remember once. She’s never even arranged an evening out for us. She goes to bed the same time as the kids so when do we ever have time to talk? I once organised an evening out for us and she said she was tired so we didn’t go, yet the following week she was out with her friend, she just couldn’t understand why I was upset!
I have now been out of my house for 8 days, I have to go home every now and again to help the kids and dog but every time I go there I end up in tears when I leave it just upsets me so much I just cannot explain. I have to go there this evening as my son needs a hand and just so scared that I will burst out crying again.
I love this woman to bits as she’s a great mother, but cannot understand how someone can say they want out of a marriage when they have never tried to even talk about it. She says she cannot talk to me but she’s never put her arm around me discussed a session with me. She’s never arranged an evening out for us in 16 years. I am far from perfect I get angry and I swear at her I pick on her but this is because she doesn’t spend anytime talking to me and she doesn’t understand this. I am such a mess at the moment and living on my own in a hotel.
My question has anyone else been here, how do your partners help you? I know many mentally ill people or partners who live with a mentally ill people and they all say it’s about supporting them listening to them, something my wife claims to have done but I really feel she hasn’t yet she wants out, I simply don’t understand!!:-(. I even told my 12 years old about me and he’s been sending me text on how he’s going to help me when I move back. My fear is I won’t be able to move back as things will be the same as she says she tries! My head is such a mess got some sleeping tablets (to stop the head) yesterday from doctor but even they don’t seem to be working.
I am very sorry for this long thread and the way it’s written, I just want some help/guidance from people who have been here I am sure there must be someone and my situation can be saved!
I been married for 16 years and now my wife has said she wants out…we have 2 beautiful boys who are everything to me. I been depressed for around 8 years and now and my wife claims she’s been unhappy for 8 years. I am refusing to give the marriage up as I don’t feel anyone has tried hard enough to save it and was never actually aware things were this bad. I still manage to hold a job down in the city and if I were to lose my job there is absolutely no way we could afford the house mortgage let alone the cars. She also works, but only 10 mins from our house, whilst I have a 3 hr daily commute but she’s always said she wants to be near our children even though now my dad has retired and drops and pick up both my lads.
I think our issues stem from her not understanding my illness and never discussing it with me, yet claiming she tries to help by doing the kids homework and other things around the house. I resent her for not even asking me how I am, she has listened too many of my recorded chats with psychologist/psychiatrist where we have discussed suicide and various other sad things yet she never talks to me about it. I’ve even bought her books to help, sent her websites that can help, then I come home hoping she will discuss something she’s read to help the situation but nothing. This then leads to get frustrated/angry/rage and we end up having a huge fight where I end up calling her every name under the sun, I’ve also thrown her out of bed and recently I punched the windscreen and elbowed her in the arm whilst arguing in the car.
It all came to a head when we went to relate for one session and they ask you what you want, I said I want to fight for everything she said “I have two choices one is to live the way I am (unhappy) or to split up”. This really hurt me and I just couldn’t stop crying for days. The on Saturday the 1st of February I lost the plot went berserk when my brother and sister tried to mediate and all my wife could say she wants out. It’s just a huge blur the kids were crying everyone was crying and they all left the house. She then called a mate of mine who my wife calls whenever things get bad as he is also a sufferer of mental health issue and understands. We had a chat and he calmed things down…That night I spent on my own I was crying could not sleep I had even started to walk round the garage finding what could hold my weight should I decide to end it. She turned up next day as I was leaving her VMs all night. She came in and she just said she can’t cope anymore, I said I would change I was on my knees begging her holding her feet crying just anything to save us for the sake of the kids. I managed to get her to agree to a month’s break and moved in with my parents.. I’ve now left there as my brother is hard work and picks on his wife and I had go at him and left for my own sanity (irony).
It’s a vicious circle, in the last 12 weeks I been doing my best to help everything at home, have started seeing a Psychiatrist who has now upped my citalopram to 40mg. I’ve also been seeing a clinical psychologist, I even got occupational health involved and that is something I really did not want to do as had a bout of quite bad depression (8years ago) at a US Investment bank and as soon as I got signed fit I was put on consultation. I’ve never really got over that and if I am feeling low I book a day off than go sick as so scared of losing my job but on occasions I will take a week out but even this is stressful as I find myself hiding from my kids and dad, let me explain…. So no one finds out that I am sick I leave the house before my kids wake up and return home whilst they are at school and leave before they get back….. Recently I did this for a week and the Monday after I had a week off, I had a doctors appointment and told everyone so I wouldn't have to run around hiding from the kids as I was exhausted. Me and wife were not talking she was being more heartless than ever so I read a whatsapp chat where she being advised to not talk to me and stick to her guns and she is said she was going to….the worst of it all was that she said to her friend “he’d been telling everyone he’s got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, just another cry for help really isn’t it”. That really upset me and I even discussed it in my session with psychiatrist and he didn’t say much!
I know I am not perfect but I am willing to fight for everything in life including my relationship. I just can’t understand how someone can just say it’s over when they have actually never helped. Never been to a doctor’s appointment with me, never come to any of my psychologist sessions, even though recently she said she would but a day before called me to say she couldn’t due to an audit at work.
My doctor asked me if I would like my wife to come to the doctors with me or a session with me I just say she’s busy and it’s fine as I don’t expect people to do things for me….He then reversed the question on me and said what if it was her sat here who had depression what would you do…I said I would be here with her and would attend all sessions she wanted me at. My psychiatrist asked me the other day if my wife had ever cooked a meal for me mid week something specific for me, and in 16 years I can’t remember once. She’s never even arranged an evening out for us. She goes to bed the same time as the kids so when do we ever have time to talk? I once organised an evening out for us and she said she was tired so we didn’t go, yet the following week she was out with her friend, she just couldn’t understand why I was upset!
I have now been out of my house for 8 days, I have to go home every now and again to help the kids and dog but every time I go there I end up in tears when I leave it just upsets me so much I just cannot explain. I have to go there this evening as my son needs a hand and just so scared that I will burst out crying again.
I love this woman to bits as she’s a great mother, but cannot understand how someone can say they want out of a marriage when they have never tried to even talk about it. She says she cannot talk to me but she’s never put her arm around me discussed a session with me. She’s never arranged an evening out for us in 16 years. I am far from perfect I get angry and I swear at her I pick on her but this is because she doesn’t spend anytime talking to me and she doesn’t understand this. I am such a mess at the moment and living on my own in a hotel.
My question has anyone else been here, how do your partners help you? I know many mentally ill people or partners who live with a mentally ill people and they all say it’s about supporting them listening to them, something my wife claims to have done but I really feel she hasn’t yet she wants out, I simply don’t understand!!:-(. I even told my 12 years old about me and he’s been sending me text on how he’s going to help me when I move back. My fear is I won’t be able to move back as things will be the same as she says she tries! My head is such a mess got some sleeping tablets (to stop the head) yesterday from doctor but even they don’t seem to be working.
I am very sorry for this long thread and the way it’s written, I just want some help/guidance from people who have been here I am sure there must be someone and my situation can be saved!
Edited by SSR007 on Wednesday 12th February 12:42
Edited by SSR007 on Wednesday 12th February 12:47
When you say you have a 3hr commute, how much time were you actually seeing each other in the mornings/evenings/weekends?
Am thinking that it may be another issue rather than the illness aspect...
If you are struggling at work then you really need to tell your employer. Sounds like you need time off to have a break from it all before you get signed off anyway.
Am thinking that it may be another issue rather than the illness aspect...
If you are struggling at work then you really need to tell your employer. Sounds like you need time off to have a break from it all before you get signed off anyway.
Edited by KTF on Wednesday 12th February 09:53
I normally leave around 5:15am or 6:15am depending on shift so i get to my desk by 7am or 8am. Normally get home around 6 or 7pm. So I don't see her in the morning (she's asleep) and by the time I get home after I've walked the dog i only see the family for an hour. Then she'll go to bed the same time as the kids I am left by myself. I am fortunate I work for an amazing boss who understands exactly what I have as his wife suffers. He can tell when something is wrong with with me and will find some excuse to get me out and have a chat. I think without him and the support of another friend I'd be an even bigger mess. He's always been helpful and never knew I was taking days off holiday when I felt unwell. He just asks me to tell him when I feel rough and is happy for me to take timeout. It's lifted alot of pressure of my shoulders as was always concerned about losing my job.
KTF said:
When you say you have a 3hr commute, how much time were you actually seeing each other in the mornings/evenings/weekends?
Am thinking that it may be another issue rather than the illness aspect...
If you are struggling at work then you really need to tell your employer. Sounds like you need time off to have a break from it all before you get signed off anyway.
Am thinking that it may be another issue rather than the illness aspect...
If you are struggling at work then you really need to tell your employer. Sounds like you need time off to have a break from it all before you get signed off anyway.
Edited by KTF on Wednesday 12th February 09:53[/footnote]
[footnote]Edited by SSR007 on Wednesday 12th February 10:18SSR007 said:
I normally leave around 5:15am or 6:15am depending on shift so i get to my desk by 7am or 8am. Normally get home around 6 or 7pm. So I don't see her in the morning (she's asleep) and by the time I get home after I've walked the dog i only see the family for an hour. Then she'll go to bed the same time as the kids I am left by myself.
Why not walk the dog after the kids have gone to bed? Assuming she is knackered if she is going to bed the same time as them?Then you can see her more when you get in, help with dinner, bath the kids or whatever? Take the pressure off her assuming she has been at work all day then has to collect/feed/deal with the kids on top?
Could you also do flexible working a day or two during the week to get a break from the commute? Failing that, book a few weeks off work using your holiday and do something together/as a family.
Realise I am focusing on a specific point but it doesn't sound like the work/life balance is right. If its been like that for 8+ years then I can see why she might want out.
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