Depression - Rock Bottom
Discussion
R400PM said:
The house is once again very quiet, so I feel I need to keep myself busy (so excuse the length of this post but it really is keeping my mind occupied). Please excuse spelling mistakes and sudden changes of direction but I am just typing as I think of things. I hope that by also documenting my experiences that it might be able to help others who may be in a similar situation.
I have certainly discovered that by talking to people it has lifted the pressure somewhat. It is so reassuring to know how many people care. I have had friends coming from all directions with support which has been a saving grace over certainly the last few days. I also very much appreciate all the well wishes on here as well. I does help me through the day as everytime someone comments on here, my phone gets the message and it really does help me along. The Samaritans have been amazing and they have called the past two evenings seeing how I was, checking on my state of mind etc.
I have been going to work over the past few days but it has been really difficult to concentrate, plus my memory is completely shot to pieces (which is also why I may duplicate some of what I have already posted). I spoke to my boss yesterday morning as I felt it had gone past the point where I needed to tell him (he already knew I had not been myself as one of my collegues had tipped him off and that I was dealing with it). I have worked with him for seven years and I have to say I was so worried about what would happen if he knew the full extent of what was going on. I explained that I thought that I could cope back in September/October/November and had battled with it ever since. However, within the last 3-4 weeks it had got increasingly worse and I had really started to loose the battle just getting deeper and deeper into a very dark place.
It must have taken me a good ten minutes to get the first few words out as I just couldn't speak, slowly the words started to flow. I must have spoken for a good 15 mins about what I had been going through and that I hadn't wanted to let them all down at work which was why I hadn't said anything sooner. My boss was incredibly understanding, told me to take time off to get it sorted (the time off I declined as I need to keep myself busy but I will be taking appointments out to see the councillor etc). I only wish I had spoken to him sooner as again it might have not got as bad as it did the other evening had I done so.
The days are pretty much a blur at the moment, I have been doing the whole driving to work only to get in the office and not being able to remember how I got there (pretty much the same on the way home as well). I have found that working has really given my mind a much needed distraction and one that I really need right now. As with everything (every action has a reaction etc) as soon as I get home and close the door I seem to crash again. I have been trying to get out of the house as quickly as possible on getting home just to keep busy. I've certainly put some miles on the tintop these past few nights aimlessly driving about!
As for the eating side of things I have managed to eat a little more than I have been over the past four weeks. I had my first proper meal in two weeks last night and although very difficult to force it down me, I did feel a little better after an hour or so. The guys at work have also been force feeding me which has also helped.
Sleep wise it still isn't great, having only managed roughly 8 hours in the last four days. I seem to feel tired yet as soon as my head hits the pillow my brain changes down a gear and throttles it, causing me to lay there for hours upon end, turning over and over, staring at the ceiling. This out of everything has been the hardest to cope with as there is very little let up from it.
On a positive note, I am meeting with a personal trainer tomorrow morning as I need to have something to look forward to and get me out and about again. Plus, this is going towards one of my goals that I have set myself to get really fit again which has given me something to aim for.
Anyway, my eyes are now going funny from looking at the screen for too long so I will have to give you a further update within the next week or so.
Once again, thank you everyone for your support, it really is helping!
Paul M
I've been in the same boat as that.I have certainly discovered that by talking to people it has lifted the pressure somewhat. It is so reassuring to know how many people care. I have had friends coming from all directions with support which has been a saving grace over certainly the last few days. I also very much appreciate all the well wishes on here as well. I does help me through the day as everytime someone comments on here, my phone gets the message and it really does help me along. The Samaritans have been amazing and they have called the past two evenings seeing how I was, checking on my state of mind etc.
I have been going to work over the past few days but it has been really difficult to concentrate, plus my memory is completely shot to pieces (which is also why I may duplicate some of what I have already posted). I spoke to my boss yesterday morning as I felt it had gone past the point where I needed to tell him (he already knew I had not been myself as one of my collegues had tipped him off and that I was dealing with it). I have worked with him for seven years and I have to say I was so worried about what would happen if he knew the full extent of what was going on. I explained that I thought that I could cope back in September/October/November and had battled with it ever since. However, within the last 3-4 weeks it had got increasingly worse and I had really started to loose the battle just getting deeper and deeper into a very dark place.
It must have taken me a good ten minutes to get the first few words out as I just couldn't speak, slowly the words started to flow. I must have spoken for a good 15 mins about what I had been going through and that I hadn't wanted to let them all down at work which was why I hadn't said anything sooner. My boss was incredibly understanding, told me to take time off to get it sorted (the time off I declined as I need to keep myself busy but I will be taking appointments out to see the councillor etc). I only wish I had spoken to him sooner as again it might have not got as bad as it did the other evening had I done so.
The days are pretty much a blur at the moment, I have been doing the whole driving to work only to get in the office and not being able to remember how I got there (pretty much the same on the way home as well). I have found that working has really given my mind a much needed distraction and one that I really need right now. As with everything (every action has a reaction etc) as soon as I get home and close the door I seem to crash again. I have been trying to get out of the house as quickly as possible on getting home just to keep busy. I've certainly put some miles on the tintop these past few nights aimlessly driving about!
As for the eating side of things I have managed to eat a little more than I have been over the past four weeks. I had my first proper meal in two weeks last night and although very difficult to force it down me, I did feel a little better after an hour or so. The guys at work have also been force feeding me which has also helped.
Sleep wise it still isn't great, having only managed roughly 8 hours in the last four days. I seem to feel tired yet as soon as my head hits the pillow my brain changes down a gear and throttles it, causing me to lay there for hours upon end, turning over and over, staring at the ceiling. This out of everything has been the hardest to cope with as there is very little let up from it.
On a positive note, I am meeting with a personal trainer tomorrow morning as I need to have something to look forward to and get me out and about again. Plus, this is going towards one of my goals that I have set myself to get really fit again which has given me something to aim for.
Anyway, my eyes are now going funny from looking at the screen for too long so I will have to give you a further update within the next week or so.
Once again, thank you everyone for your support, it really is helping!
Paul M
What you need to do is take a long old step back and when you've done that look at what you've posted there (why I quoted you)
You really REALLY dont need a PT at this point....why do you think that you do?
What you need is some time out from the grief life is giving you. I had the same 'symptoms' as you (if you can call them that) IMO you need to switch off, stop worrying/stressing about everything. The last thing you want to do is go to the gym with some pumped up chimp telling you to 'work it'
Sure exercise is great...that means taking some long walks in the fresh air not a work out in a gym
R400PM said:
stuff
Hi Paul, this is all very positive and you may not think it, but you've already made some huge steps in a very short time.Getting to sleep and having enough quality sleep is one of the most difficult areas to sort out IMO. As long as you don't start leaning on what you think might be easy fixes, such as alcohol or other drugs (prescribed or not) then it will get better in time.
I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice on this from others more knowledgeable than me. See what works with you and don't worry if you don't get instant results as this will get better in time.
HTH!
I agree with jules. You can get to the gym in the New Year. Take your time, as frustrating as it is to want to 'fix' things NOW. In the meantime maybe consider just going for a walk at lunchtime (in the daylight)' and maybe in the evening, although the lack of light wont help much.
You mention that the emergency doctors gave you something to calm you down. Are you still taking those meds? On a dull yet serious note are you ok to be driving to work?
Should you feel the need for any medication hopefully your gp will prescribe something more appropriate, as well as a the already helpful focus on 'talking' whether it be a good friend and/or counselling etc ...
That R400 must be a good pick-me-up all on its own!
You mention that the emergency doctors gave you something to calm you down. Are you still taking those meds? On a dull yet serious note are you ok to be driving to work?
Should you feel the need for any medication hopefully your gp will prescribe something more appropriate, as well as a the already helpful focus on 'talking' whether it be a good friend and/or counselling etc ...
That R400 must be a good pick-me-up all on its own!
Edited by Digger on Friday 30th December 05:35
jules_s said:
I've been in the same boat as that.
What you need to do is take a long old step back and when you've done that look at what you've posted there (why I quoted you)
You really REALLY dont need a PT at this point....why do you think that you do?
What you need is some time out from the grief life is giving you. I had the same 'symptoms' as you (if you can call them that) IMO you need to switch off, stop worrying/stressing about everything. The last thing you want to do is go to the gym with some pumped up chimp telling you to 'work it'
Sure exercise is great...that means taking some long walks in the fresh air not a work out in a gym
I can see what you mean by needing to take a step back. I can also see that taking some time out would be beneficial, however I am the worst person to keep myelf company (if that make sense). Right now I just want to be out, with people, doing things to get my mind off all the bad stuff. I am not trying to sweep it under the carpet so to speak as I know by doing that it would only rear it's ugly head again sooner or later in the future. I have got the councilling session/s booked so I aim to deal with it at these in the hope that I can confine the time that I have to bring it all back out again to these sessions (thus not allowing it to rule my life). I guess this looks like my way of trying to deal with things and only time will tell if it is the right way to go about things.What you need to do is take a long old step back and when you've done that look at what you've posted there (why I quoted you)
You really REALLY dont need a PT at this point....why do you think that you do?
What you need is some time out from the grief life is giving you. I had the same 'symptoms' as you (if you can call them that) IMO you need to switch off, stop worrying/stressing about everything. The last thing you want to do is go to the gym with some pumped up chimp telling you to 'work it'
Sure exercise is great...that means taking some long walks in the fresh air not a work out in a gym
In regards to the personal trainer (whom I met this morning), she firmly believes that being outdoors is the way forward so that is what we are going to focus on rather than being stuck in the gym all the time. Another added benefit is that she will also be looking at my eating (or lack of it) in order to make sure I am eating the right things at the right time. Again, she was saying that diet is also massively important in making yourself feel better. I guess I could do this by looking online but right now what with struggling to motivate myself, I do need someone banging on the door and dragging me out, otherwise I would just be sat in binge thinking and sliding back into the rut.
One of the things that I have wanted to do for a long time is to get fit as I simply don't get enough exercise, this coupled with the fact that I am going to be out of the house three times a week (other than work) can only be a good thing?
FestiveFreddy said:
Hi Paul, this is all very positive and you may not think it, but you've already made some huge steps in a very short time.
Getting to sleep and having enough quality sleep is one of the most difficult areas to sort out IMO. As long as you don't start leaning on what you think might be easy fixes, such as alcohol or other drugs (prescribed or not) then it will get better in time.
I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice on this from others more knowledgeable than me. See what works with you and don't worry if you don't get instant results as this will get better in time.
HTH!
I think the events of the past week have really shaken me into realising that I have to sort this out once and for all, thus the sudden flurry of plan making and activity organising. I am hoping that the fitness regime will help me sleep better as I am bound to be shattered in my current fitness level!Getting to sleep and having enough quality sleep is one of the most difficult areas to sort out IMO. As long as you don't start leaning on what you think might be easy fixes, such as alcohol or other drugs (prescribed or not) then it will get better in time.
I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice on this from others more knowledgeable than me. See what works with you and don't worry if you don't get instant results as this will get better in time.
HTH!
Fortunatly, I have given up drinking. This was one very concious decision I had to make about 13 weeks ago. I realised that the only little bit of control I did/do have was by being sober. I really do think that making that decision probably has kept me here today. I've never really had a good relationship with alcohol, we spent too much time together for too many years.
I realise that this is going to be a massive learning process, working out what works and what doesn't.. I will try and let you all know how it goes over the next days/weeks/months.
Digger said:
You mention that the emergency doctors gave you something to calm you down. Are you still taking those meds? On a dull yet serious note are you ok to be driving to work?
That R400 must be a good pick-me-up all on its own!
I am currently taking Fluoxetine (Prozac) and Diazepam, I have waited until I get to work to take these as it gives me a good eight hours before I drive home again (the initial first hour to two hours is when I feel the most drowsy). I know this is quite a simple approach but as of yet I haven't felt drowsy behind the wheel (needless to say if I did, I wouldn't be driving). Fortunatly, work is only about 10 mins away and I am avoiding travelling long distances at the moment. That R400 must be a good pick-me-up all on its own!
Edited by Digger on Friday 30th December 05:35
Sadly the R400 is over at Caterham up for sale. I am in two minds weather to hook it back to give me something to enjoy as I do miss her. Driving is by far my biggest passion and right now a diesel tintop isn't really helping! What to do!?!
Stay strong Paul I'm in the same boat too and I find wintry months are the worse...
Also, chatting certainly helps a bunch. It keeps your mind away from all the pain and also allows you to express yourself. I don't have many friends (not by choice...) so I find online forums helps sometimes!
I'm in the same boat too and I find wintry months are the worse...Also, chatting certainly helps a bunch. It keeps your mind away from all the pain and also allows you to express yourself. I don't have many friends (not by choice...) so I find online forums helps sometimes!
NeMiSiS said:
300MGs of Sertraline per day should do the trick.
People often say drugs are not the answer, but in severe cases they are the only answer.
When you are sick of hearing, " get out more ", " meet new people ", " exercise more ", " pull yourself together ", " feed the ducks...." Then seek professional help via the mental health wing at your local hospital, simply ask for the crisis team then getSectioned sorry then get evaluated which will lead to help.
In the mean time see if you can identify any of your 'triggers', if you can, you can make inroads to avoid them.
CBT ( Cognitive behavioral therapy ) helped me with some of my issues ( violence and aggression ), but you have to WANT to believe they will work, or they wont.
I am very keen to get off the tablets that I am taking at the moment as soon as I can. I have never been one for meds.. I do need to try and work out what the triggers are though, I worry there might be quite a few of them though..People often say drugs are not the answer, but in severe cases they are the only answer.
When you are sick of hearing, " get out more ", " meet new people ", " exercise more ", " pull yourself together ", " feed the ducks...." Then seek professional help via the mental health wing at your local hospital, simply ask for the crisis team then get
then get evaluated which will lead to help.In the mean time see if you can identify any of your 'triggers', if you can, you can make inroads to avoid them.
CBT ( Cognitive behavioral therapy ) helped me with some of my issues ( violence and aggression ), but you have to WANT to believe they will work, or they wont.
R400PM said:
I am currently taking Fluoxetine (Prozac) and Diazepam, I have waited until I get to work to take these as it gives me a good eight hours before I drive home again (the initial first hour to two hours is when I feel the most drowsy). I know this is quite a simple approach but as of yet I haven't felt drowsy behind the wheel (needless to say if I did, I wouldn't be driving). Fortunatly, work is only about 10 mins away and I am avoiding travelling long distances at the moment.
Sadly the R400 is over at Caterham up for sale. I am in two minds weather to hook it back to give me something to enjoy as I do miss her. Driving is by far my biggest passion and right now a diesel tintop isn't really helping! What to do!?!
Hmm ... you need to becareful with Fluoxetine especially in combination with Diazepam. It's a very over prescribed anti depressant and could have some unwanted side effects but this depends on the individual of course. Do not hesitate to go to your GP if you have any concerns. Sadly the R400 is over at Caterham up for sale. I am in two minds weather to hook it back to give me something to enjoy as I do miss her. Driving is by far my biggest passion and right now a diesel tintop isn't really helping! What to do!?!
I don't know about personal trainers etc but it is possible to get referred to a Mental Health team on the NHS. It's not the best compared to private councillors but its a start. Talk to your GP about it.
crazy about cars said:
Hmm ... you need to becareful with Fluoxetine especially in combination with Diazepam. It's a very over prescribed anti depressant and could have some unwanted side effects but this depends on the individual of course. Do not hesitate to go to your GP if you have any concerns.
I don't know about personal trainers etc but it is possible to get referred to a Mental Health team on the NHS. It's not the best compared to private councillors but its a start. Talk to your GP about it.
I pretty much knew from other people that the doctor would just stuff a prescription in my hand for Fluoxetine and at that stage I was in need of just something to take the edge off.. They seem to keep me ticking along but if I start to get really anxious then the Diazepam sorts that out fairly quickly (I only have to take the Diazepam IF needed. I do truly dispise having to take tablets but at the moment they do seem to be keeping me on the straight and narrow.I don't know about personal trainers etc but it is possible to get referred to a Mental Health team on the NHS. It's not the best compared to private councillors but its a start. Talk to your GP about it.
I am going to see a councillor on Thursday (who has been highly recommended by a local Ph'er who I've known for quite a few years now).
NeMiSiS said:
You don't get any badges for kicking the Meds and adding to your suffering, depression is a killer, simple as that, treat is as such.
Reading between the lines I think you need to get the car back that you get pleasure from, and get shut of the one that gets you from A-B. Small stimulating steps lead to big strides, then you can run again.
Good luck.
Thank you!Reading between the lines I think you need to get the car back that you get pleasure from, and get shut of the one that gets you from A-B. Small stimulating steps lead to big strides, then you can run again.
Good luck.
I will wait until I feel ready before I start even thinking about reducing the intake as I don't want to slip back again. All in good time I guess.
I may just have to make the call to get the car back, I do need something to enjoy again!
R400PM said:
I pretty much knew from other people that the doctor would just stuff a prescription in my hand for Fluoxetine and at that stage I was in need of just something to take the edge off.. They seem to keep me ticking along but if I start to get really anxious then the Diazepam sorts that out fairly quickly (I only have to take the Diazepam IF needed. I do truly dispise having to take tablets but at the moment they do seem to be keeping me on the straight and narrow.
I am going to see a councillor on Thursday (who has been highly recommended by a local Ph'er who I've known for quite a few years now).
Good luck with the councillor I am going to see a councillor on Thursday (who has been highly recommended by a local Ph'er who I've known for quite a few years now).
There's nothing wrong with taking tablets as it does help out. I've been through a few before finding something that suits me.If you need to chat about anything at all don't hesitate to drop me a PM
R400PM said:
Sleep wise it still isn't great, having only managed roughly 8 hours in the last four days. I seem to feel tired yet as soon as my head hits the pillow my brain changes down a gear and throttles it, causing me to lay there for hours upon end, turning over and over, staring at the ceiling. This out of everything has been the hardest to cope with as there is very little let up from it.
This point struck me the most as it's similar to what i do (albeit not in your position, for me it's my work on my mind). I find the best thing to do is if you can't sleep when you go to bed don't go. I know you say you have problems sleeping, but go and do something completely different - such as read a book, play games, watch TV - even do (basic) excercises, whatever will work for you. There is simply no point and staying in bed thinking about something in silence as you'll never get to sleep.Good luck & i think at least knowing you have this problem and doing something about it is a good step towards overcoming it...although i'm by no means a Doctor, so it's just IMO!
R400PM said:
Thank you!
I will wait until I feel ready before I start even thinking about reducing the intake as I don't want to slip back again. All in good time I guess.
I may just have to make the call to get the car back, I do need something to enjoy again!
Do it! You said yourself you only work 10 min drive away. Ditch the tin top and walk or get the bus. Get the 7 back and have some fun. Getting out with the 7 club will also give you something to look forward to.I will wait until I feel ready before I start even thinking about reducing the intake as I don't want to slip back again. All in good time I guess.
I may just have to make the call to get the car back, I do need something to enjoy again!
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