Dealing with someone who has victim mentality

[anonymous-user]

[redacted]

[cpas]

Don't know how to answer this really, and it must take some time to get over something like this. It took me over a year to get over a girlfriend dumping me who I had been out with for 7 years and lived with for a year, so a long time partner dying must be far worse. It might be worth taking her or days out with perhaps 'unusual' activities to try to jump-start her love of life again.

[Hoofy]

Sorry to hear about your father.

I'm not sure the victim mentality is relevant here (although that isn't to say she doesn't have that mentality).

I suspect the issue is that she placed too much importance in your father if you see what I mean. It's a trap we can all fall into - making one person or activity (work!) massively important in our lives and ignoring all other aspects of our lives. Then when the rug is pulled out from under our feet, we feel like our lives are over.

Solving her "problem" may be tricky if she doesn't see that her life isn't over. The grand child may turn her around once she sees it and gets a chance to play with it, though. Her friends and family need to pay her more attention so she feels they are a big part of her life, not just her husband. Perhaps her friends can take up a new hobby with her that will see her regaining her passion for life.

Edited for arse about face wording.

Edited by Hoofy on Monday 2nd January 20:26

[williamp]

awful to hear, and very difficult to do: maybe she is still grieving?

You can ask for help on her behalf with the Samaratians or simmilar (maybe there are some other councelling sessions)?? If she wont talk to them, then ask what you can do.

[Hoofy]

I really meant attention in the sense of someone being around rather than "mollycoddling". Why doesn't she try bowls with a group of her friends rather than on her own (if that's what you meant)?

[Digger]

Sorry about your Dad. Got the T-Shirt etc. You say she is visiting the GP on a regular basis? Is she taking any medication prescribed for her?

I dont know what to suggest but how about a quiet word with her bowling friends (& others?) and suggest that you and your sisters only visit say every two out of three weekends, for starters and see how she responds.

When my dad died, mum seemed to become more withdrawn and she remained that way unfortunately for her last year, though her health was also diminishing.

Hopefully your BIL will have had the desired effect, but dont be too hard on her. Roughly how old is she and how is her general health otherwise?

Edited by Digger on Tuesday 3rd January 14:46

[Hoofy]

Have her friends invited her to join them even if just to eat sandwiches and socialise while they play?

[Hoofy]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

She said that to her friends? Charming.

Perhaps she could try tai chi with her friends? All old people love tai chi.

[freecar]

OP have you watched The Sopranos?

I know a bit out of leftfield!

Tony's mother was just the same, apparently it is quite a common thing amongst the elderly who lose partners. Tony's therapist recommended a book an coping strategies for dealing with older family members, on the basis that they are essentially more like children than adults, amongst other things. He found the book to be really useful in changing the way in which he interacted with his mother, not giving her the opportunity to become the victim when he spoke with her.

I know it was a TV show but I saw a lot of common things in it that I have experienced myself when my Mother was terminally ill.

I can't recommend a book specifically but I'd have a look around Waterstones or Amazon and see if there are any useful books that might help, there might be some reviews that'll help one become favourite! You might find by just changing the questions you ask or how you ask them will make a difference.

Best of luck.

[Digger]

Yeah i was going to mention both about regression as well as how elderly parents are spoken with. I discovered (as my older sister pointed out to me at the time) that the reason why our mother didnt take advice well was how she was spoken to. I often found myself frustrated at how she was dealing with various situations, and i knew full well that mum picked up on it when chatting with her and in a sense my suggestions/advice appeared to fall on deaf ears. Luckily my sister was slightly more tactful.

At the end of the day we could tell that she was still grieving, but benefitting from the company of others which was the most important thing for her.

[gowmonster]

is she good at spelling and grammar? perhaps she could police this forum

some people are just happy moaning, and suggesting to do something new is not easy for the old and frail.

I don't really have an answer to be honest, if it were me I'd probably complain to the council about anything and everything, annoy my kids, and watch lots of telly probably.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Loss if someone that has been such a massive part of your life brings real complications. Loss can be so conflicting,. For example, you may crave contact, but at the same time feel such frustration that it is not the right person. Grief and bereavement take a long time of adjustment and perhaps, part of the expression of the victim mentality, is the lack of resolution, or even the beginning of a single life.

Love, kindness but also a firmer approach in terms of setting boundaries for your own lives might well help. It is a terribly difficult balance to get eight, but to support her in supporting herself is a way forwards.

From my own experiences and today being the first anniversary of my wife's death, I can say that nothing prepares you for how you will feel and the profound loss you experience. Be kind and loving to her and support her in moving forwards with you behind her encouraging , not just carrying her.

Edited by drivin_me_nuts on Wednesday 4th January 00:52