Stress/Bereavement/Grief/Relationships...
Discussion
Hoping to get a more sensible answer in here than if I posted in the Lounge, everyone seems more tolerant 
To cut a long story short, my OH has been separated from her (now ex) husband for over a year, and in a relationship with me for about 8 months. The problem is, he still doesn't show any signs of coming to terms with it. They have a child together, so she can't (and quite rightly won't) cut him off completely.
When he first started giving her hassle, we assumed it was a normal bereavement thing and cut him a lot of slack. What are the supposed 'stages'? Denial, anger, grief, bargaining, acceptance? Something like that. Certainly started with denial - for the first few months they were separated (and he was living with his parents) and even the first few months I was involved, he refused to accept it. Told all his family and friends it was just a stage and she'd have him back.
When he had no choice but to face reality, the anger started. Mostly directed at me, but through the OH. Death threats, threats of violence and just general abuse. Then he started on her. It was all her fault. She'd wrecked his life. She'd destroyed the family. She didn't care about him, etc, etc. Self harm too - all minor but in a 30 year old man with no history, quite significant and surprising. The anger gradually turned to grief. Self pity, mostly. He had nobody, he was lonely, he had nothing. Occasional flare ups of the anger but mostly "woe is me" stuff.
The problem is, it hasn't moved on from there. He just seems to cycle through anger and grief.
He won't accept any help. GP appointments are cancelled, but to be fair even if he went and got a referral to a counsellor, I don't think he'd follow up. He has had a couple of dates but his opening line both times has been "I'm still in love with my ex wife" so unsurprisingly they haven't gone well. His family aren't willing to talk to him about it, his friends are all equally heavy drinkers and too macho to talk about feelings. He's openly admitted to the OH that he doesn't want to get over her, and that's the single biggest problem.
If he doesn't want to get on with his life, and doesn't want any help - are we wasting our time and effort even trying? Will it happen with (more) time? Do some people just never deal with it, and spend their whole lives miserable?
Is there anything anyone can suggest?
To cut a long story short, my OH has been separated from her (now ex) husband for over a year, and in a relationship with me for about 8 months. The problem is, he still doesn't show any signs of coming to terms with it. They have a child together, so she can't (and quite rightly won't) cut him off completely.
When he first started giving her hassle, we assumed it was a normal bereavement thing and cut him a lot of slack. What are the supposed 'stages'? Denial, anger, grief, bargaining, acceptance? Something like that. Certainly started with denial - for the first few months they were separated (and he was living with his parents) and even the first few months I was involved, he refused to accept it. Told all his family and friends it was just a stage and she'd have him back.
When he had no choice but to face reality, the anger started. Mostly directed at me, but through the OH. Death threats, threats of violence and just general abuse. Then he started on her. It was all her fault. She'd wrecked his life. She'd destroyed the family. She didn't care about him, etc, etc. Self harm too - all minor but in a 30 year old man with no history, quite significant and surprising. The anger gradually turned to grief. Self pity, mostly. He had nobody, he was lonely, he had nothing. Occasional flare ups of the anger but mostly "woe is me" stuff.
The problem is, it hasn't moved on from there. He just seems to cycle through anger and grief.
He won't accept any help. GP appointments are cancelled, but to be fair even if he went and got a referral to a counsellor, I don't think he'd follow up. He has had a couple of dates but his opening line both times has been "I'm still in love with my ex wife" so unsurprisingly they haven't gone well. His family aren't willing to talk to him about it, his friends are all equally heavy drinkers and too macho to talk about feelings. He's openly admitted to the OH that he doesn't want to get over her, and that's the single biggest problem.
If he doesn't want to get on with his life, and doesn't want any help - are we wasting our time and effort even trying? Will it happen with (more) time? Do some people just never deal with it, and spend their whole lives miserable?
Is there anything anyone can suggest?
The number of people on the planet is roughly the amount of different reactions there could be. Of course there are trends and anticipated stages, but each person has a unique way of reacting to life's ups and downs. You find yourself in an all too common situation but how you deal with it will be unique to you and posting posible solutions with only your post for information may not be the most help. You seem to have a good insight, so some may say carry on as you are hoping time will be that great healer. Good luck!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_mode...
is what you're thinking of, but it is just a theory: everyone is different.
Personally I wouldn't have thought there's much you can do. Your partner needs to be clear that there is no way back, and to be careful he doesn't receive false hope from anything she says of does. My only thought, which you've probably tried, is to engage the help of his parents, if they're amenable. But generally people change when they're ready to change.
A year isn't that long a time for some people. It's likely that eventually he will move on: something else will change in his life, and he will make some progress, especially as he's only 30. Most people do, after all. You could always buy him a copy of this very good book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Relate-Guide-Starting-Agai...
Above all, as you probably know, you need to protect her child as far as you can from the fallout of this, don't you? How you go about that is difficult - good luck.
is what you're thinking of, but it is just a theory: everyone is different.
Personally I wouldn't have thought there's much you can do. Your partner needs to be clear that there is no way back, and to be careful he doesn't receive false hope from anything she says of does. My only thought, which you've probably tried, is to engage the help of his parents, if they're amenable. But generally people change when they're ready to change.
A year isn't that long a time for some people. It's likely that eventually he will move on: something else will change in his life, and he will make some progress, especially as he's only 30. Most people do, after all. You could always buy him a copy of this very good book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Relate-Guide-Starting-Agai...
Above all, as you probably know, you need to protect her child as far as you can from the fallout of this, don't you? How you go about that is difficult - good luck.
Edited by N Dentressangle on Sunday 24th June 08:02
I am by no means an expert in these matters but i think one area needs to be addressed immediately. From what you have written it sounds like he has become alcohol-dependant?
Sounds like a detox of some description is required. That should clear his head and hopefully allow for more positive engagement with the chap, whether that be GP/Counsellors etc. You mention his family wont talk with him? Because of the booze?
Sounds like a detox of some description is required. That should clear his head and hopefully allow for more positive engagement with the chap, whether that be GP/Counsellors etc. You mention his family wont talk with him? Because of the booze?
His behaviour may well be due to the nature of the initial separation......was she cheating on him......did she plan to do so......did he think that???
It's all too easy, and common, for people to walk out of relationships, forgetting the brutal impact this can have on children.
Starting a new relationship so quickly shows a certain lack of respect for the ex, probably then confirming his initial suspicions.....hence his reaction.
What's worse is having children in the first place when clearly not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.
Mind how you go.
It's all too easy, and common, for people to walk out of relationships, forgetting the brutal impact this can have on children.
Starting a new relationship so quickly shows a certain lack of respect for the ex, probably then confirming his initial suspicions.....hence his reaction.
What's worse is having children in the first place when clearly not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.
Mind how you go.
Digger said:
I am by no means an expert in these matters but i think one area needs to be addressed immediately. From what you have written it sounds like he has become alcohol-dependant?
Sounds like a detox of some description is required. That should clear his head and hopefully allow for more positive engagement with the chap, whether that be GP/Counsellors etc. You mention his family wont talk with him? Because of the booze?
Alcohol is definitely a big problem. His whole social scene revolves around the pub and his mates, and getting sSounds like a detox of some description is required. That should clear his head and hopefully allow for more positive engagement with the chap, whether that be GP/Counsellors etc. You mention his family wont talk with him? Because of the booze?
tfaced every time he drinks. The abuse definitely increases proportionally to his alcohol intake, unsurprisingly.Conversely, if he doesn't drink for a few days, his attitude and demeanour improve hugely. It just never lasts more than a few days before he's back in the pub.
His family won't talk to him mostly because of Ostrich Syndrome
whether that's because he's putting on a brave face for everyone else, or putting on the sad face for the OH's benefit, he's not being truthful with everyone, that's for sure.Jazzer said:
His behaviour may well be due to the nature of the initial separation......was she cheating on him......did she plan to do so......did he think that???
It's all too easy, and common, for people to walk out of relationships, forgetting the brutal impact this can have on children.
Starting a new relationship so quickly shows a certain lack of respect for the ex, probably then confirming his initial suspicions.....hence his reaction.
What's worse is having children in the first place when clearly not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.
Mind how you go.
AFAIK there was no cheating. Obviously I only know one side of the story, but it's definitely portrayed as a gradual breakdown, mostly due to his drinking and socialising. It's all too easy, and common, for people to walk out of relationships, forgetting the brutal impact this can have on children.
Starting a new relationship so quickly shows a certain lack of respect for the ex, probably then confirming his initial suspicions.....hence his reaction.
What's worse is having children in the first place when clearly not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.
Mind how you go.
Without a shadow of a doubt, the daughter comes first. Luckily she's young enough that she doesn't understand yet.
You might want to look at his personality type - possible narcissist, sociopath, psychopath or a combination of.
There are some symptoms in your opening post, plus the alcohol dependance. Have a google - it is a real lightbulb moment if he is one of these. Advice from the experts is protect yourself, distance yourself.
Sound outrageous? I'd be in agreement, except for someone suggesting the same to me about an ex a while back.
Like the above poster, I won't go into details here.
There are some symptoms in your opening post, plus the alcohol dependance. Have a google - it is a real lightbulb moment if he is one of these. Advice from the experts is protect yourself, distance yourself.
Sound outrageous? I'd be in agreement, except for someone suggesting the same to me about an ex a while back.
Like the above poster, I won't go into details here.
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