Nothing like family/girlfriend issues...
Discussion
Spitfire2 said:
I actually don't see much wrong with a "my house, my rules" attitude. But that shouldn't extend to the abuse this girl and the OP have been subjected to :-)
It is a fine policy, but does get a little more sticky with effectively adult children. I lived with my girlfriend in a shared house at university, and yet at home my parents insisted we have separate rooms if she stayed over.Consequence, we never stayed at my house in the holidays....
Once I moved out, I began to appreciate may parents point of view more.
I would suggest that you plan and execute as dignified an exit as you can from the family home. Make sure you have it in place before breaking it to them.
Play the long game here. Whilst you remain in their home keep things as calm and dignified as you can, try to cultivate some sympathy for them, even if you can't work out their motives for the controlling and abusive behaviour. What they are afraid of, only they can tell you (if they know and can articulate), but this is likely to be fear on your parents part, plain and simple. Fear for their future, their hopes, dreams etc, and fear of your future.
If they are abusive and you cannot reason with them, then your best bet is to try to keep calm and withdraw, e.g. telling them that you are going to talk to them when they have calmed down. One day they might want to build bridges and it's going to be easier all round if you've been the more mature and sensible party, and not got yourself too drawn into their anxious fantasies etc.
I know one poster said that make sure she is the one worth losing your family over. It's not really even about her. It's about you setting boundaries with your parents, and a physical boundary, living in a different home, will be the strongest and easiest one you can set. The possible physical and financial hardships of a bedsit, shared flat or friends sofa will be much easier to bear in the long term than having this kind of cloud hanging over you at home, and following you during the day. If it wasn't the girlfriend that they went nuts over, it would have been a job, a hobby, anything.
Does your employer have any internal message boards? If so, is anyone advertising for house mates?
Play the long game here. Whilst you remain in their home keep things as calm and dignified as you can, try to cultivate some sympathy for them, even if you can't work out their motives for the controlling and abusive behaviour. What they are afraid of, only they can tell you (if they know and can articulate), but this is likely to be fear on your parents part, plain and simple. Fear for their future, their hopes, dreams etc, and fear of your future.
If they are abusive and you cannot reason with them, then your best bet is to try to keep calm and withdraw, e.g. telling them that you are going to talk to them when they have calmed down. One day they might want to build bridges and it's going to be easier all round if you've been the more mature and sensible party, and not got yourself too drawn into their anxious fantasies etc.
I know one poster said that make sure she is the one worth losing your family over. It's not really even about her. It's about you setting boundaries with your parents, and a physical boundary, living in a different home, will be the strongest and easiest one you can set. The possible physical and financial hardships of a bedsit, shared flat or friends sofa will be much easier to bear in the long term than having this kind of cloud hanging over you at home, and following you during the day. If it wasn't the girlfriend that they went nuts over, it would have been a job, a hobby, anything.
Does your employer have any internal message boards? If so, is anyone advertising for house mates?
oldbanger said:
I would suggest that you plan and execute as dignified an exit as you can from the family home. Make sure you have it in place before breaking it to them.
Play the long game here. Whilst you remain in their home keep things as calm and dignified as you can, try to cultivate some sympathy for them, even if you can't work out their motives for the controlling and abusive behaviour. What they are afraid of, only they can tell you (if they know and can articulate), but this is likely to be fear on your parents part, plain and simple. Fear for their future, their hopes, dreams etc, and fear of your future.
If they are abusive and you cannot reason with them, then your best bet is to try to keep calm and withdraw, e.g. telling them that you are going to talk to them when they have calmed down. One day they might want to build bridges and it's going to be easier all round if you've been the more mature and sensible party, and not got yourself too drawn into their anxious fantasies etc.
I know one poster said that make sure she is the one worth losing your family over. It's not really even about her. It's about you setting boundaries with your parents, and a physical boundary, living in a different home, will be the strongest and easiest one you can set. The possible physical and financial hardships of a bedsit, shared flat or friends sofa will be much easier to bear in the long term than having this kind of cloud hanging over you at home, and following you during the day. If it wasn't the girlfriend that they went nuts over, it would have been a job, a hobby, anything.
Does your employer have any internal message boards? If so, is anyone advertising for house mates?
This is brilliant, thanks, I am keeping calm although a dignified exit is harder to plan as they generally like to say 'if x hasn't happened within 12 hours you are gone and i'm changing the locks' so with work factored in there isn't enough time to move anything so when that does happen it looks like i'm at my friend's house with enough clothes to last me a day or two.Play the long game here. Whilst you remain in their home keep things as calm and dignified as you can, try to cultivate some sympathy for them, even if you can't work out their motives for the controlling and abusive behaviour. What they are afraid of, only they can tell you (if they know and can articulate), but this is likely to be fear on your parents part, plain and simple. Fear for their future, their hopes, dreams etc, and fear of your future.
If they are abusive and you cannot reason with them, then your best bet is to try to keep calm and withdraw, e.g. telling them that you are going to talk to them when they have calmed down. One day they might want to build bridges and it's going to be easier all round if you've been the more mature and sensible party, and not got yourself too drawn into their anxious fantasies etc.
I know one poster said that make sure she is the one worth losing your family over. It's not really even about her. It's about you setting boundaries with your parents, and a physical boundary, living in a different home, will be the strongest and easiest one you can set. The possible physical and financial hardships of a bedsit, shared flat or friends sofa will be much easier to bear in the long term than having this kind of cloud hanging over you at home, and following you during the day. If it wasn't the girlfriend that they went nuts over, it would have been a job, a hobby, anything.
Does your employer have any internal message boards? If so, is anyone advertising for house mates?
It has happened before, on the job front complaining that i hadn't got a "proper" city job straight after uni (even though I chose the option i did as I needed flexibility to take my mum to regular chemo sessions and involved starting a new business from scratch) enforced via near constant nagging and threatening to increase 'rent' paid to them to a level that I couldn't afford (50% of net), although due to other existing commitments what they originally asked could never be paid in full. Message boards won't happen unfortunately, the company isn't large enough for that any more.
PH Member said:
This is brilliant, thanks, I am keeping calm although a dignified exit is harder to plan as they generally like to say 'if x hasn't happened within 12 hours you are gone and i'm changing the locks' so with work factored in there isn't enough time to move anything so when that does happen it looks like i'm at my friend's house with enough clothes to last me a day or two.
Then consider making a start on packing up and moving now. Get a locker at work if you can, or borrow a cupboard at a mates house. Take a small bag of clothes/essentials/things with sentimental value/important documents with you every day when you leave for work. Look for somewhere properly as and when you can, but also ask any friends with spare rooms or sofas if they'd ever consider putting you up for a week if it comes to it.However, if you need to do it, you'll find the time. Or you could get the gf to help you if her own work schedule is more flexible.
It sounds like your brother has already partly moved into your room anyway.
And even if you are a tosser with an awful girlfriend (we only have your side here), then you'll still be better off out of the nest.
However, your parents do sound a little like mine when I was at uni. If they are, believe me, it's much easier for them to understand you as seperate from themselves if you're not still living at home and still living "th(i)e(r) dream". That's not to say they won't keep hassling you for a bit after you go, however.
PH Member said:
I am keeping calm although a dignified exit is harder to plan as they generally like to say 'if x hasn't happened within 12 hours you are gone and i'm changing the locks' so with work factored in there isn't enough time to move anything so when that does happen it looks like i'm at my friend's house with enough clothes to last me a day or two.
Just because your parents sent you to private school, it does not give them the right to dictate the rest of your life, it was their choice to invest their money like that, not yours.They are crying wolf a lot here, they say do x by y a lot but don't follow through with it, so call their bluff by ignoring it - you still need to be prepared for them to actually carry out their threat however.
Have a suit & some shirts in the car (or at your mates/girlfriends) if they ask why "dry cleaing". Buy spares of toiletries & keep them in the car (/with the suit & shirts) too, and underwear!
Moving out doesn't mean that it will end your relationship with your parents; although it may make you all reassess it! Your relationship with your brother DOES need ending, well the way it is at the moment anyway, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable.
Who hit him, you or her. Was it a slap or a punch? It sounds like he got a well deserved slap, if it was anything more then she WAS out of order and an apology should be forecoming.
Hmm i'd agree you need to get some asian friends, they will major amounts of experience in these matters. Emotional blackmail is par for the course.
I understand your loyalty to your parents and the whole sacrifice for private school thing, mine did the same and my father did used to bring it up in arguments. Whereas I respect him a lot for it there was a shouting match where I pointed out to him that if he only did for it his benefit to go on about it and use it againt me then he only did it for himself, yeah I felt bad saying it but getting that point out in the open meant we never argued about that again and at least understood each others views. Just remember they sent you to private school with a hope that you would excel and be the best you could be in your chosen field, if you stay at home this will never happen.
Do what you can to move out and concentrate on your own life and your own career, its a hard decision if you don't it'll be 2 years later and nothing will have changed. Don't do it for your girlfriend, i think you need to do it for yourself...
I understand your loyalty to your parents and the whole sacrifice for private school thing, mine did the same and my father did used to bring it up in arguments. Whereas I respect him a lot for it there was a shouting match where I pointed out to him that if he only did for it his benefit to go on about it and use it againt me then he only did it for himself, yeah I felt bad saying it but getting that point out in the open meant we never argued about that again and at least understood each others views. Just remember they sent you to private school with a hope that you would excel and be the best you could be in your chosen field, if you stay at home this will never happen.
Do what you can to move out and concentrate on your own life and your own career, its a hard decision if you don't it'll be 2 years later and nothing will have changed. Don't do it for your girlfriend, i think you need to do it for yourself...
She'd be stupid to return to that house after that kind of treatment.
It sounds like you guys are in a pretty healthy and committed relationship - maybe time to start talking about getting a place together? Can even look for a 2bed (local prices permitting) so you've got a bit of space from each other if you're not entirely sure or if you just each like to have your own space.
PS your brother at his worst sounds exactly like my youngest sister was. At 21 she's grown out of most of it - I don't think we'll ever be best mates but I can at least spend a few hours in her company without regretting her existence these days.
It sounds like you guys are in a pretty healthy and committed relationship - maybe time to start talking about getting a place together? Can even look for a 2bed (local prices permitting) so you've got a bit of space from each other if you're not entirely sure or if you just each like to have your own space.
PS your brother at his worst sounds exactly like my youngest sister was. At 21 she's grown out of most of it - I don't think we'll ever be best mates but I can at least spend a few hours in her company without regretting her existence these days.
Went through a very similar situation when I was about 22, parents didn't approve of gf as "not good enough for you" but with no reasons given for this claim.
I took the decision very early to move out, as I wasn't prepared to have my mother dictate who I could and couldn't see. When I received the threat of "well then I think you should find somewhere else to live" I calmly responded with "I already have and am moving out in two days". My mum then spent the next two days back peddling, while I remained very calm and stuck to my guns.
Somebody else said make sure this gf is worth moving out for, IMO this is irrelevant you need to do this for you. In my situation I didn't stay with that particular girl, and my mum didn't approve of my next serious gf either. However she loves my wife who comes from a very different walk of life where I thought I'd have problems again. However it's been smooth sailing right from their first get together. I still have no idea what she didn't like about the others, but she was right I suppose
Anyway, I now have a very good relationship with both parents, moving out was the best thing I could have done. I used to clash with my mum a lot when we were in each others pockets becasue we're both so stubborn, and that no longer happens.
Strangely my sister was similar to your brother, she could do no wrong in my parents eyes and she knew it. Ironically my parents now can't stand her husband and she clashes with my mum constantly. But they have a point, he is a knob.
Your parents will see the benefit of all the support they've given your education in the long run. They seem to expect you to conform to their perfect plan for your life. Mine did the same and I disappointed them a lot in the early days. However I know they are now proud of my carrer achievements. I'm 40 now, so it may take 15 years or so
Move out, there will be short term upset and stress, but it will all come good in the long term
I took the decision very early to move out, as I wasn't prepared to have my mother dictate who I could and couldn't see. When I received the threat of "well then I think you should find somewhere else to live" I calmly responded with "I already have and am moving out in two days". My mum then spent the next two days back peddling, while I remained very calm and stuck to my guns.
Somebody else said make sure this gf is worth moving out for, IMO this is irrelevant you need to do this for you. In my situation I didn't stay with that particular girl, and my mum didn't approve of my next serious gf either. However she loves my wife who comes from a very different walk of life where I thought I'd have problems again. However it's been smooth sailing right from their first get together. I still have no idea what she didn't like about the others, but she was right I suppose
Anyway, I now have a very good relationship with both parents, moving out was the best thing I could have done. I used to clash with my mum a lot when we were in each others pockets becasue we're both so stubborn, and that no longer happens.
Strangely my sister was similar to your brother, she could do no wrong in my parents eyes and she knew it. Ironically my parents now can't stand her husband and she clashes with my mum constantly. But they have a point, he is a knob.
Your parents will see the benefit of all the support they've given your education in the long run. They seem to expect you to conform to their perfect plan for your life. Mine did the same and I disappointed them a lot in the early days. However I know they are now proud of my carrer achievements. I'm 40 now, so it may take 15 years or so
Move out, there will be short term upset and stress, but it will all come good in the long term
bigandclever said:
I was going to post something not very complimentary about your incessant 'boo hoo, woe is me' attitude, and then you dropped this little nugget in...
Except for the fact that all of the cancer suffering people that I know (both friends and family) have had a light bulb go off telling them that life is too short.PH Member said:
I needed flexibility to take my mum to regular chemo sessions
No wonder there's stress in the house.I know nothing of the OP's situation but 9 times out of 10, people receiving regular chemo, twig that there are more important things in life than this kind of BS.
However, they could well be right and the OP could be involved with someone from the underclass.
Fatman2 said:
bigandclever said:
I was going to post something not very complimentary about your incessant 'boo hoo, woe is me' attitude, and then you dropped this little nugget in...
Except for the fact that all of the cancer suffering people that I know (both friends and family) have had a light bulb go off telling them that life is too short.PH Member said:
I needed flexibility to take my mum to regular chemo sessions
No wonder there's stress in the house.I know nothing of the OP's situation but 9 times out of 10, people receiving regular chemo, twig that there are more important things in life than this kind of BS.
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