Effing cancer is an effing effer, frankly
Discussion
marky911 said:
Some heart breaking stories in here. My thoughts go out to anyone affected by it.
I've had two stage one melanomas, left calve then right thigh, in 2015, 2017.
Consultant spotted a swollen lymph node in my right side groin during Mondays check up.
I'm waiting for a date for a scan to see what's going on. Praying it's nothing but obviously your mind runs away with you sometimes.
It's the bloody waiting that's the worst. Can't concentrate on much this week.
I've had a weird knee problem (right knee) since January which the knee team haven't got to the bottom of yet. I'm hoping it isn't related as it's had at least 6 months to develop if it is.
Consultant thinks not.
Anyway, it's small fry compared to some experiences on here, so I feel guilty for even bringing it up. I remembered this thread that's all.
Good luck everyone and all the best to you and your loved ones.
As someone who has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer I empathise with you; as you say the waiting is the worst. Fortunately a bone scan disclosed that my tumour has not spread and can be treated as localised and I've just started hormone therapy to be followed by radiotherapy.I've had two stage one melanomas, left calve then right thigh, in 2015, 2017.
Consultant spotted a swollen lymph node in my right side groin during Mondays check up.
I'm waiting for a date for a scan to see what's going on. Praying it's nothing but obviously your mind runs away with you sometimes.
It's the bloody waiting that's the worst. Can't concentrate on much this week.
I've had a weird knee problem (right knee) since January which the knee team haven't got to the bottom of yet. I'm hoping it isn't related as it's had at least 6 months to develop if it is.
Consultant thinks not.
Anyway, it's small fry compared to some experiences on here, so I feel guilty for even bringing it up. I remembered this thread that's all.
Good luck everyone and all the best to you and your loved ones.
The very best of luck and don't forget that new treatments are coming out all the time. Fast forward twenty years and I suspect a thread like this will not exist; for many cancers I think a cure is on the horizon.
Thanks for the kind words bex.
And thank you bludger.
Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It shocks you to the core and is a huge thing to take in.
Hopefully, as you say, it's localised and they can work their magic on you. I wish you all the very best for your treatment.
I totally agree, they will find a cure eventually and the experts carrying out the research are absolute geniuses.
All the best.
And thank you bludger.
Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It shocks you to the core and is a huge thing to take in.
Hopefully, as you say, it's localised and they can work their magic on you. I wish you all the very best for your treatment.
I totally agree, they will find a cure eventually and the experts carrying out the research are absolute geniuses.
All the best.
Just checking in and getting my thoughts down, as I find that helps. 
Today I just had my 21st cycle of chemo and I'm approaching my one year anniversary of chemo and tbh I initially thought, this chemo lark is easy.
With little or no side-effects except maybe the runs for a couple of days but the realisation is now sinking in that this chemo lark is serious business.
I had a right hemi-colectomy 13 months ago to remove the tumor and thankfully the cancer hadn't spread to my liver, so it was a course of chemo to dampen down the cancer cells that couldn't be cut out due to being close to an artery.
But after this long on chemo, it has weakened the bones in my spine, (oestoporosis) which means moving around is extremely painful and I'm doped up on some pretty strong painkillers in order just to have the most basic of movement like getting out of bed/a chair and going to the toilet. I can't drive anymore, as I can't press the pedals without pain and even being driven to the hospital means several painful jolts going through my spine.
So the doctor suggested coming off chemo for a while, which I initially said no to but thinking about it over the weekend, there's no point being a martyr and having no quality of life when even yawning or having a cough sends excruciating pain through my back despite being on oxycodone.
The results from the CT scans are showing good progress so having a break from chemo seems the only sensible decision.
The bowel cancer hasn't beaten me....the cetuximab has.
Today I just had my 21st cycle of chemo and I'm approaching my one year anniversary of chemo and tbh I initially thought, this chemo lark is easy.
With little or no side-effects except maybe the runs for a couple of days but the realisation is now sinking in that this chemo lark is serious business.
I had a right hemi-colectomy 13 months ago to remove the tumor and thankfully the cancer hadn't spread to my liver, so it was a course of chemo to dampen down the cancer cells that couldn't be cut out due to being close to an artery.
But after this long on chemo, it has weakened the bones in my spine, (oestoporosis) which means moving around is extremely painful and I'm doped up on some pretty strong painkillers in order just to have the most basic of movement like getting out of bed/a chair and going to the toilet. I can't drive anymore, as I can't press the pedals without pain and even being driven to the hospital means several painful jolts going through my spine.
So the doctor suggested coming off chemo for a while, which I initially said no to but thinking about it over the weekend, there's no point being a martyr and having no quality of life when even yawning or having a cough sends excruciating pain through my back despite being on oxycodone.
The results from the CT scans are showing good progress so having a break from chemo seems the only sensible decision.
The bowel cancer hasn't beaten me....the cetuximab has.
AJB88 said:
AJB88 said:
Just send my swabs off for DKMS
Going slightly off topic anybody who has done DKMS did you get an email or letter or anything? I got an email to say they had received the samples and that was it, nothing else. mp3manager said:
Just checking in and getting my thoughts down, as I find that helps.
Today I just had my 21st cycle of chemo and I'm approaching my one year anniversary of chemo and tbh I initially thought, this chemo lark is easy.
With little or no side-effects except maybe the runs for a couple of days but the realisation is now sinking in that this chemo lark is serious business.
I had a right hemi-colectomy 13 months ago to remove the tumor and thankfully the cancer hadn't spread to my liver, so it was a course of chemo to dampen down the cancer cells that couldn't be cut out due to being close to an artery.
But after this long on chemo, it has weakened the bones in my spine, (oestoporosis) which means moving around is extremely painful and I'm doped up on some pretty strong painkillers in order just to have the most basic of movement like getting out of bed/a chair and going to the toilet. I can't drive anymore, as I can't press the pedals without pain and even being driven to the hospital means several painful jolts going through my spine.
So the doctor suggested coming off chemo for a while, which I initially said no to but thinking about it over the weekend, there's no point being a martyr and having no quality of life when even yawning or having a cough sends excruciating pain through my back despite being on oxycodone.
The results from the CT scans are showing good progress so having a break from chemo seems the only sensible decision.
The bowel cancer hasn't beaten me....the cetuximab has.
Let us know how things progress. Today I just had my 21st cycle of chemo and I'm approaching my one year anniversary of chemo and tbh I initially thought, this chemo lark is easy.
With little or no side-effects except maybe the runs for a couple of days but the realisation is now sinking in that this chemo lark is serious business.
I had a right hemi-colectomy 13 months ago to remove the tumor and thankfully the cancer hadn't spread to my liver, so it was a course of chemo to dampen down the cancer cells that couldn't be cut out due to being close to an artery.
But after this long on chemo, it has weakened the bones in my spine, (oestoporosis) which means moving around is extremely painful and I'm doped up on some pretty strong painkillers in order just to have the most basic of movement like getting out of bed/a chair and going to the toilet. I can't drive anymore, as I can't press the pedals without pain and even being driven to the hospital means several painful jolts going through my spine.
So the doctor suggested coming off chemo for a while, which I initially said no to but thinking about it over the weekend, there's no point being a martyr and having no quality of life when even yawning or having a cough sends excruciating pain through my back despite being on oxycodone.
The results from the CT scans are showing good progress so having a break from chemo seems the only sensible decision.
The bowel cancer hasn't beaten me....the cetuximab has.
So....
After 52 years of boring good health, apart from a bit of hypertension, I got walloped back in April/May this year with bowel cancer. I was due to have an op in June/July but the little bugger started to cause an obstruction so I was taken into theatre within 24 hours of seeing the consultant at the end of May.
One right sided hemicolectomy later, and I'm doing ok. All replumbed, recovery is good.
Day 4, everything goes wrong. 10/10 acute pain, delirious and rambling with sepsis markers. Back into theatre. Reopened and cleaned out (first op had leaked). Woke up with two stoma bags in ICU.
Biopsy on 52 nodes showed no sign of cancer so that's a good result.
The wound is taking forever to heal. Now 10 weeks post op, still in dressings but hopefully the end is only a few weeks away.
I'm due back into theatre in about 12 weeks to have a reversal and lose the bags. Should be all done by Christmas.
Also at the same time and not connected I had a malignant melanoma on my leg which had to be removed, that's all clear now too.
2018 has been a bit of a write off....
After 52 years of boring good health, apart from a bit of hypertension, I got walloped back in April/May this year with bowel cancer. I was due to have an op in June/July but the little bugger started to cause an obstruction so I was taken into theatre within 24 hours of seeing the consultant at the end of May.
One right sided hemicolectomy later, and I'm doing ok. All replumbed, recovery is good.
Day 4, everything goes wrong. 10/10 acute pain, delirious and rambling with sepsis markers. Back into theatre. Reopened and cleaned out (first op had leaked). Woke up with two stoma bags in ICU.
Biopsy on 52 nodes showed no sign of cancer so that's a good result.
The wound is taking forever to heal. Now 10 weeks post op, still in dressings but hopefully the end is only a few weeks away.
I'm due back into theatre in about 12 weeks to have a reversal and lose the bags. Should be all done by Christmas.
Also at the same time and not connected I had a malignant melanoma on my leg which had to be removed, that's all clear now too.
2018 has been a bit of a write off....
Edited by JumboBeef on Wednesday 8th August 21:40
mp3manager said:
Just checking in and getting my thoughts down, as I find that helps.
Today I just had my 21st cycle of chemo and I'm approaching my one year anniversary of chemo and tbh I initially thought, this chemo lark is easy.
With little or no side-effects except maybe the runs for a couple of days but the realisation is now sinking in that this chemo lark is serious business.
I had a right hemi-colectomy 13 months ago to remove the tumor and thankfully the cancer hadn't spread to my liver, so it was a course of chemo to dampen down the cancer cells that couldn't be cut out due to being close to an artery.
But after this long on chemo, it has weakened the bones in my spine, (oestoporosis) which means moving around is extremely painful and I'm doped up on some pretty strong painkillers in order just to have the most basic of movement like getting out of bed/a chair and going to the toilet. I can't drive anymore, as I can't press the pedals without pain and even being driven to the hospital means several painful jolts going through my spine.
So the doctor suggested coming off chemo for a while, which I initially said no to but thinking about it over the weekend, there's no point being a martyr and having no quality of life when even yawning or having a cough sends excruciating pain through my back despite being on oxycodone.
The results from the CT scans are showing good progress so having a break from chemo seems the only sensible decision.
The bowel cancer hasn't beaten me....the cetuximab has.
I'm really pleased you wrote your story down for us. Its all very well reading leaflets but a personal account puts it all in perspective so much better. Today I just had my 21st cycle of chemo and I'm approaching my one year anniversary of chemo and tbh I initially thought, this chemo lark is easy.
With little or no side-effects except maybe the runs for a couple of days but the realisation is now sinking in that this chemo lark is serious business.
I had a right hemi-colectomy 13 months ago to remove the tumor and thankfully the cancer hadn't spread to my liver, so it was a course of chemo to dampen down the cancer cells that couldn't be cut out due to being close to an artery.
But after this long on chemo, it has weakened the bones in my spine, (oestoporosis) which means moving around is extremely painful and I'm doped up on some pretty strong painkillers in order just to have the most basic of movement like getting out of bed/a chair and going to the toilet. I can't drive anymore, as I can't press the pedals without pain and even being driven to the hospital means several painful jolts going through my spine.
So the doctor suggested coming off chemo for a while, which I initially said no to but thinking about it over the weekend, there's no point being a martyr and having no quality of life when even yawning or having a cough sends excruciating pain through my back despite being on oxycodone.
The results from the CT scans are showing good progress so having a break from chemo seems the only sensible decision.
The bowel cancer hasn't beaten me....the cetuximab has.
I'm currently having a holiday from Prostap (prostate cancer) after 2 years of it. I was originally set to do at least 3 years due to the highly aggressive form of the cancer so when a holiday was suggested I was a bit apprehensive. For 6 months nothing changed (
) as the drug takes forever to wear off. Slowly over the last 3 months things have improved so not so tired, getting up many times through the night and all the other stuff. But, the PSA blood tests are showing a rise, small at the moment so next one at beginning of October will decide if its still holiday or back on the drug.
Eventually I suppose I will be in a similar position to you when the Prostap/Zoladex/Bicalutamide no longer keep the cancer at bay. Its personal accounts that help you prepare for the future.
bludger said:
As someone who has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer I empathise with you; as you say the waiting is the worst. Fortunately a bone scan disclosed that my tumour has not spread and can be treated as localised and I've just started hormone therapy to be followed by radiotherapy.
The very best of luck and don't forget that new treatments are coming out all the time. Fast forward twenty years and I suspect a thread like this will not exist; for many cancers I think a cure is on the horizon.
Just been diagnosed myself The very best of luck and don't forget that new treatments are coming out all the time. Fast forward twenty years and I suspect a thread like this will not exist; for many cancers I think a cure is on the horizon.
I've also started hormone therapy and one of the possible side effects is fatigue, how are you getting on with that ?
Myself, I'm absolutely f****d, found myself sitting around not wanting to do anything, then my arse got sore with all the sitting around, eventually started to walk around the block with my wife and the dog but I can't even bring myself to bother with that.
Now in bed just getting up when necessary, has anyone else gone through or is going through the same ?
Waiting for someone to help me with pain management, hopefully I'll be able to get around more
How long does this crap go on for, already been told I'm on this for a couple of years, radiotherapy next on the list but not for a few weeks
True enough about the waiting!
hal 1 said:
Just been diagnosed myself
I've also started hormone therapy and one of the possible side effects is fatigue, how are you getting on with that ?
Myself, I'm absolutely f****d, found myself sitting around not wanting to do anything, then my arse got sore with all the sitting around, eventually started to walk around the block with my wife and the dog but I can't even bring myself to bother with that.
Now in bed just getting up when necessary, has anyone else gone through or is going through the same ?
Waiting for someone to help me with pain management, hopefully I'll be able to get around more
How long does this crap go on for, already been told I'm on this for a couple of years, radiotherapy next on the list but not for a few weeks
True enough about the waiting!
Although not going through radiotherapy myself, fatigue is a real problem with me too with chemo. As you mentioned, just like you I just sit around really in a daze not wanting to move at all. Living on my own makes it worse but it's good you have the wife and the dog to concentrate on, and at least you're getting out and about even if it is just for a few minutes. Small steps are better than no steps. I've also started hormone therapy and one of the possible side effects is fatigue, how are you getting on with that ?
Myself, I'm absolutely f****d, found myself sitting around not wanting to do anything, then my arse got sore with all the sitting around, eventually started to walk around the block with my wife and the dog but I can't even bring myself to bother with that.
Now in bed just getting up when necessary, has anyone else gone through or is going through the same ?
Waiting for someone to help me with pain management, hopefully I'll be able to get around more
How long does this crap go on for, already been told I'm on this for a couple of years, radiotherapy next on the list but not for a few weeks
True enough about the waiting!
Nobody needs to face treatment completely on their own. Pistonheads may have its fare share of numpties but I have always found that most are sensible and more than happy to help out even if its just sending the odd email to ask how things are going.
Nobody else can go through the treatment for you but its good to let off steam and doing it with a faceless forum member is actually not a bad thing.
Nobody else can go through the treatment for you but its good to let off steam and doing it with a faceless forum member is actually not a bad thing.
hal 1 said:
Just been diagnosed myself
I've also started hormone therapy and one of the possible side effects is fatigue, how are you getting on with that ?
Myself, I'm absolutely f****d, found myself sitting around not wanting to do anything, then my arse got sore with all the sitting around, eventually started to walk around the block with my wife and the dog but I can't even bring myself to bother with that.
Now in bed just getting up when necessary, has anyone else gone through or is going through the same ?
Waiting for someone to help me with pain management, hopefully I'll be able to get around more
How long does this crap go on for, already been told I'm on this for a couple of years, radiotherapy next on the list but not for a few weeks
True enough about the waiting!
Well, I was already having problems with an allergy which is giving me rhinitis, breathlessness and some fatigue so, to be honest, I've not felt much different. I've finished the hormone tablets and, like you, I'm waiting for a few weeks before radio therapy.I've also started hormone therapy and one of the possible side effects is fatigue, how are you getting on with that ?
Myself, I'm absolutely f****d, found myself sitting around not wanting to do anything, then my arse got sore with all the sitting around, eventually started to walk around the block with my wife and the dog but I can't even bring myself to bother with that.
Now in bed just getting up when necessary, has anyone else gone through or is going through the same ?
Waiting for someone to help me with pain management, hopefully I'll be able to get around more
How long does this crap go on for, already been told I'm on this for a couple of years, radiotherapy next on the list but not for a few weeks
True enough about the waiting!
I think that if they can slow the tumour down to any extent I think it entirely likely that in a few years new treatments will be available which will avoid the "cut, burn and poison" of the current regime.
johnxjsc1985 said:
Nobody needs to face treatment completely on their own. Pistonheads may have its fare share of numpties but I have always found that most are sensible and more than happy to help out even if its just sending the odd email to ask how things are going.
Nobody else can go through the treatment for you but its good to let off steam and doing it with a faceless forum member is actually not a bad thing.
Good words. Nobody else can go through the treatment for you but its good to let off steam and doing it with a faceless forum member is actually not a bad thing.
I've had a pretty tough weekend and spent most of it reading through this thread and the depression one. It's kept me afloat the last 48 hours.
mp3manager said:
Good words.
I've had a pretty tough weekend and spent most of it reading through this thread and the depression one. It's kept me afloat the last 48 hours.
Life with or without illness can be pretty rough at times and its good to get things off your chest and this place is pretty good for that.I've had a pretty tough weekend and spent most of it reading through this thread and the depression one. It's kept me afloat the last 48 hours.
So far I haven't come across any forum members on here who are insincere .
I guess when you get to a certain age if you haven't been affected personally by the illness you will have family or friends who have suffered or even worse succumbed to cancer its pretty indiscriminate on who it claims.
johnxjsc1985 said:
Life with or without illness can be pretty rough at times and its good to get things off your chest and this place is pretty good for that.
So far I haven't come across any forum members on here who are insincere .
I guess when you get to a certain age if you haven't been affected personally by the illness you will have family or friends who have suffered or even worse succumbed to cancer its pretty indiscriminate on who it claims.
There doesn't seem forum member on THIS thread that are insincere but as previously mentioned beware of 'laurasotherhalf' who trolls you then attacks you on other threads quoting mental illness.So far I haven't come across any forum members on here who are insincere .
I guess when you get to a certain age if you haven't been affected personally by the illness you will have family or friends who have suffered or even worse succumbed to cancer its pretty indiscriminate on who it claims.
I'm not the only one he's attacked either.......
On the Prostate Cancer UK forum I found this story by a chap talking about the ending. This is a taboo subject for many, I'm sure and not something many will want to dwell on or discuss with friends and family. After all, we must be positive, new cures are just round the corner......... anyway, if you have a couple of minutes, please have a read. I found it very thought provoking.
"The line from the film Platoon 'Death, what do y'all know about death' is one that pops into my head regularly, particularly now as my disease enters a new phase of liver mets and no guaranteed treatment. Some serious faces from the medics and a realisation that my disease is heading towards the end game...I have no idea when this might be but I'm 50, in my fourth year of cancer with progressive disease, a truly crumbled spine, liver mets (this is the big problemo...), lung mets, little energy and my current treatment is failing leaving me with no realistic treatment to move on to. Yeah there's some Ovarian cancer drug I'm going to try, I've not thrown the towel in but it's not the perfect choice...
To be fair, I've yet to enter the final stages of my disease but have to be sensible and recognise the certainty that I'm going to die of this disease in the not too distant future. It's possible they will come up with something but lets face it, the reality is death from prostate cancer in the most unpleasant way.
Im very likely going to be one of the 10,000 in this coming year, for those that love me its truly the saddest and hardest time for them. My wife and three daughters, my brother and sisters, my mum plus my friends and close relatives. I know they love me, thats what makes dying so worrying, how will they cope, what will they do without me, my dear Deb, its such a bitter pill. But...people die all of the time, its part of the circle of life and they will survive without me. My legacy will be my persona, my love for life, my sense of humour not forgetting my strong sense of justice, fair play, and the moral standards I have set as a husband, father, grandfather and as a man. Yeah there is also my more negative legacy, all of the spiteful, vengeful, reckless, selfish stuff that makes me the complete human being but this isn't about my complete person, its about the good stuff I will be leaving behind. When I think of my own father, he never put a foot wrong, so there, I'm perfect.
So what am I worried about, its all fair and just, dying is par for the course...well, to be truthful, there is the actual process of dying, knowing the time is not a million miles away, the expected pain plus the burden of a distraught family is hard to shoulder. So. how am i coping with this and how does everyone cope with it . Ive been thinking about it for what seems ages and realise now that I have no answers but actually thinking about it as a physical thing has really helped me come to terms with it all. At this point, many people may be thinking of the days/weeks/months that it took for their loved ones to pass away or indeed may be in the process as I type. I would be interested to hear the other side of the coin, how wives, children, friends and even grandchildren think about this 'process of dying' . yeah of course this is raw and sensitive and maybe even wrong but my own feelings of fear have overcome the nicety of avoiding the topic.
Ive thought about life after death, read that we lose 35gms in weight as we expire, Ive explored the possibilities of God, Ive thought about never waking again and being part of the daily routine. Funny but my greenhouse and my fishing tackle seem more important than reincarnation but thats the truth of it, I believe and can't change the fact that death is final and there ain't no coming back. I'm probably quite a spiritual person, i seem to recognise faith as something not to do with God but to do with the trust and love I have for family and even to a degree the medics (not love but trust for them). I think and worry about my Deb sorting out my clothes, books, my silly model making stuff, my nerdy computer stuff and importantly my little box of mementoes that I keep very private, these include some of my Dad's wartime things, some love letters, my tungsten darts and photos of my 71\2lb record barbel and a 6lb chub. It probably means nothing to anyone but me, will someone one day find it, see my Dads cap badge and think its junk, photos straight in the bin, letters half read and joining the other stuff in the bin. i want to go in the loft and find the box and tell everyone but in some ways, I like the idea of somebody finding it in ten years or so.
Next, do I do a video for my wife and kids, I have a video camera and could easily sit and talk for ten minutes each leaving a CD behind, labelled up with their names all in an envelope marked 'in the event of my death'. Normal people don't do this sort of thing do they, surely if I saw a farewell message from my Dad I'd think it was macabre and totally unnecessary, I have my memories, I wouldn't want a CD like this. Maybe a letter, just saying how proud of them I am, something they can open and keep but then again, I email all the time and they have written stuff from me to keep, I'd include birthday cards in this. Why is this such a dilemma, you'd think it would be easy, what would you want, what do you have, I just don't know what to do.
as for my funeral, as a bit of a joker, maybe 'always look on the bright side of life' would be played at my funeral along with one of those clowns swanee whistles blowing as I go back into the curtains. No, for me, traditional farewell for my family to underline my passing and then to have a great big piss up to celebrate my life and remember me. Id want hangovers from hell, salmonella poisoning, a big fight and the cops called, nobody would EVER forget that day. We have discussed it and even talked about music, I can only think of the sad songs 'Yesterday' , 'the drugs dont work' and lastly 'Up the Junction' by Squeeze, my favourite band.
Dignitas
Ive considered Dignitas, the Swiss suicide clinic, Ive read their website considered the information and see suicide as a perfectly reasonable option for those who want to take that route, its not for me and theres something sinister about buying a return from Easyjet for my Deb and a single for me...plus, what do you pack for the trip and do you need extra socks and pants plus smart clothes for them to dress your body in...
The Dignitas issue is actually not something I recall reading about on here , this Isn't the time nor place to discuss suicide as a mental health, desperation or complex issue but is an opportunity to think of a dignified end to a life that is complete and to be used as an option to close terminal illness. I know some of you have faced the reality of suicide but this is different, it's a choice that can be discussed openly on an even keel, I just know its not for me personally but accept it may be the perfect choice for others.
If assisted suicide was legal in this country and we were familiar with the set up I suspect they would do a roaring trade, i keep thinking about those final days and its quite a heavy weight.
Not just me
so this piece or writing was originally thought of as my own personal struggle, coming to terms with, not just the immense changes in my life, but facing my finality with some sense of understanding , dignity and well, just doing it right. this may be a huge can of worms, many of you may think im wrong to broadcast my thoughts on death, many will have experienced the loss and the process, many will hopefully recognise what im saying and some of you will skip read and think, yeah, not for me. I do hope you are not offended by me raising the subject and its something that can help you think seriously about what families affected by late, advanced prostate cancer go through. So if you have ever seen the film Platoon, it remains a great line "Death. what do y'all know about death" "
"The line from the film Platoon 'Death, what do y'all know about death' is one that pops into my head regularly, particularly now as my disease enters a new phase of liver mets and no guaranteed treatment. Some serious faces from the medics and a realisation that my disease is heading towards the end game...I have no idea when this might be but I'm 50, in my fourth year of cancer with progressive disease, a truly crumbled spine, liver mets (this is the big problemo...), lung mets, little energy and my current treatment is failing leaving me with no realistic treatment to move on to. Yeah there's some Ovarian cancer drug I'm going to try, I've not thrown the towel in but it's not the perfect choice...
To be fair, I've yet to enter the final stages of my disease but have to be sensible and recognise the certainty that I'm going to die of this disease in the not too distant future. It's possible they will come up with something but lets face it, the reality is death from prostate cancer in the most unpleasant way.
Im very likely going to be one of the 10,000 in this coming year, for those that love me its truly the saddest and hardest time for them. My wife and three daughters, my brother and sisters, my mum plus my friends and close relatives. I know they love me, thats what makes dying so worrying, how will they cope, what will they do without me, my dear Deb, its such a bitter pill. But...people die all of the time, its part of the circle of life and they will survive without me. My legacy will be my persona, my love for life, my sense of humour not forgetting my strong sense of justice, fair play, and the moral standards I have set as a husband, father, grandfather and as a man. Yeah there is also my more negative legacy, all of the spiteful, vengeful, reckless, selfish stuff that makes me the complete human being but this isn't about my complete person, its about the good stuff I will be leaving behind. When I think of my own father, he never put a foot wrong, so there, I'm perfect.
So what am I worried about, its all fair and just, dying is par for the course...well, to be truthful, there is the actual process of dying, knowing the time is not a million miles away, the expected pain plus the burden of a distraught family is hard to shoulder. So. how am i coping with this and how does everyone cope with it . Ive been thinking about it for what seems ages and realise now that I have no answers but actually thinking about it as a physical thing has really helped me come to terms with it all. At this point, many people may be thinking of the days/weeks/months that it took for their loved ones to pass away or indeed may be in the process as I type. I would be interested to hear the other side of the coin, how wives, children, friends and even grandchildren think about this 'process of dying' . yeah of course this is raw and sensitive and maybe even wrong but my own feelings of fear have overcome the nicety of avoiding the topic.
Ive thought about life after death, read that we lose 35gms in weight as we expire, Ive explored the possibilities of God, Ive thought about never waking again and being part of the daily routine. Funny but my greenhouse and my fishing tackle seem more important than reincarnation but thats the truth of it, I believe and can't change the fact that death is final and there ain't no coming back. I'm probably quite a spiritual person, i seem to recognise faith as something not to do with God but to do with the trust and love I have for family and even to a degree the medics (not love but trust for them). I think and worry about my Deb sorting out my clothes, books, my silly model making stuff, my nerdy computer stuff and importantly my little box of mementoes that I keep very private, these include some of my Dad's wartime things, some love letters, my tungsten darts and photos of my 71\2lb record barbel and a 6lb chub. It probably means nothing to anyone but me, will someone one day find it, see my Dads cap badge and think its junk, photos straight in the bin, letters half read and joining the other stuff in the bin. i want to go in the loft and find the box and tell everyone but in some ways, I like the idea of somebody finding it in ten years or so.
Next, do I do a video for my wife and kids, I have a video camera and could easily sit and talk for ten minutes each leaving a CD behind, labelled up with their names all in an envelope marked 'in the event of my death'. Normal people don't do this sort of thing do they, surely if I saw a farewell message from my Dad I'd think it was macabre and totally unnecessary, I have my memories, I wouldn't want a CD like this. Maybe a letter, just saying how proud of them I am, something they can open and keep but then again, I email all the time and they have written stuff from me to keep, I'd include birthday cards in this. Why is this such a dilemma, you'd think it would be easy, what would you want, what do you have, I just don't know what to do.
as for my funeral, as a bit of a joker, maybe 'always look on the bright side of life' would be played at my funeral along with one of those clowns swanee whistles blowing as I go back into the curtains. No, for me, traditional farewell for my family to underline my passing and then to have a great big piss up to celebrate my life and remember me. Id want hangovers from hell, salmonella poisoning, a big fight and the cops called, nobody would EVER forget that day. We have discussed it and even talked about music, I can only think of the sad songs 'Yesterday' , 'the drugs dont work' and lastly 'Up the Junction' by Squeeze, my favourite band.
Dignitas
Ive considered Dignitas, the Swiss suicide clinic, Ive read their website considered the information and see suicide as a perfectly reasonable option for those who want to take that route, its not for me and theres something sinister about buying a return from Easyjet for my Deb and a single for me...plus, what do you pack for the trip and do you need extra socks and pants plus smart clothes for them to dress your body in...
The Dignitas issue is actually not something I recall reading about on here , this Isn't the time nor place to discuss suicide as a mental health, desperation or complex issue but is an opportunity to think of a dignified end to a life that is complete and to be used as an option to close terminal illness. I know some of you have faced the reality of suicide but this is different, it's a choice that can be discussed openly on an even keel, I just know its not for me personally but accept it may be the perfect choice for others.
If assisted suicide was legal in this country and we were familiar with the set up I suspect they would do a roaring trade, i keep thinking about those final days and its quite a heavy weight.
Not just me
so this piece or writing was originally thought of as my own personal struggle, coming to terms with, not just the immense changes in my life, but facing my finality with some sense of understanding , dignity and well, just doing it right. this may be a huge can of worms, many of you may think im wrong to broadcast my thoughts on death, many will have experienced the loss and the process, many will hopefully recognise what im saying and some of you will skip read and think, yeah, not for me. I do hope you are not offended by me raising the subject and its something that can help you think seriously about what families affected by late, advanced prostate cancer go through. So if you have ever seen the film Platoon, it remains a great line "Death. what do y'all know about death" "
N7GTX said:
On the Prostate Cancer UK forum I found this story by a chap talking about the ending...
Thought provoking stuff, people cope in different ways. We tend to have the same thoughts more or less, but never get around to putting them on paper.This puts into perspective some the the recent piffle I've read on this site. Grown men complaining about neighbours, builders, planners, parking and their own bad decisions in love and life. When the end-game comes, none of this nonsense has the gravity that should affect your life with any great degree of consequence.
Stuff can be unfair, but taking decisions, moving on and making the best out of a 'bad' situation appears to be a dying art around here.
I admire the handful that buck the trend.
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