Effing cancer is an effing effer, frankly
Discussion
This is a topic I've watched for a while but hoped I'd never have to post in.
Found out Thursday my dad has cancer after his bowel perforated. Turns out it was in his lungs, liver, almost everywhere, he was riddled.
He was due to be discharged home later this week but he sadly died this afternoon after a cardiac arrest. I feel completely lost, numb an in shock now, just last week he seemed fine and his usual cheery happy self telling terrible jokes now he's just gone. He was such a great dad and frankly a brilliant man. He was only 50.
I'm hoping posting on here a bit will help although I know it will take time. The one peace I can find is that he died of the cardiac arrest, I know he wouldn't have wanted the pain and suffering of cancer treatment or the indignity of using catheters and stoma bags for what would have been his final few months.
RIP dad - I love you.
Found out Thursday my dad has cancer after his bowel perforated. Turns out it was in his lungs, liver, almost everywhere, he was riddled.
He was due to be discharged home later this week but he sadly died this afternoon after a cardiac arrest. I feel completely lost, numb an in shock now, just last week he seemed fine and his usual cheery happy self telling terrible jokes now he's just gone. He was such a great dad and frankly a brilliant man. He was only 50.
I'm hoping posting on here a bit will help although I know it will take time. The one peace I can find is that he died of the cardiac arrest, I know he wouldn't have wanted the pain and suffering of cancer treatment or the indignity of using catheters and stoma bags for what would have been his final few months.
RIP dad - I love you.
Sorry to hear about your dad. Losing your dad will be one of the worst things you will experience. You have a difficult time ahead of you now and it will take a long long time to adjust. But you will. Trust me. Focus on the happy memories. Be strong for your family, but most of all, grieve properly.
All the best.
All the best.
MYOB said:
Sorry to hear about your dad. Losing your dad will be one of the worst things you will experience. You have a difficult time ahead of you now and it will take a long long time to adjust. But you will. Trust me. Focus on the happy memories. Be strong for your family, but most of all, grieve properly.
All the best.
Thank you, not expecting an easy ride, especially as we were so close. Have spent a lot of time looking through the pictures on my phone at past holidays and the happy moments, just wish I could go back and tell him that I loved him, something I never did but I'm sure he knew. All the best.
Don't know what to expect, asked for next week off work, not sure that's even for the best as maybe keeping busy will help, but maybe not.
carlove said:
Thank you, not expecting an easy ride, especially as we were so close. Have spent a lot of time looking through the pictures on my phone at past holidays and the happy moments, just wish I could go back and tell him that I loved him, something I never did but I'm sure he knew.
Don't know what to expect, asked for next week off work, not sure that's even for the best as maybe keeping busy will help, but maybe not.
Dads don't necessarily need to hear the words but yes they do know when their children love them. Just spending time together and talking is enough. Don't know what to expect, asked for next week off work, not sure that's even for the best as maybe keeping busy will help, but maybe not.
Regarding work, my advice would be not to return next week. You need time to grieve. There will also be lots to do regarding sorting the funeral, bank accounts and so on. If your mother is doing this, she would likely appreciate help and support.
But far be it for me you tell you what's best. Everyone is different. Good luck with everything.
50 is no age.
carlove said:
Thank you, not expecting an easy ride, especially as we were so close. Have spent a lot of time looking through the pictures on my phone at past holidays and the happy moments, just wish I could go back and tell him that I loved him, something I never did but I'm sure he knew.
Don't know what to expect, asked for next week off work, not sure that's even for the best as maybe keeping busy will help, but maybe not.
Mercifully I’ve still got my father but I lost one of my best friends earlier in the year very suddenly (41 years old). My advice would be don’t rush back, I was the first of our friends to return to work but I’m quite a tough cookie, I actually phoned in sick for another friend because he wasn’t fit to go to work. Let work know what’s happened, let them know what you need and look after yourself. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you all the best.Don't know what to expect, asked for next week off work, not sure that's even for the best as maybe keeping busy will help, but maybe not.
PS f
k cancercarlove said:
This is a topic I've watched for a while but hoped I'd never have to post in.
Found out Thursday my dad has cancer after his bowel perforated. Turns out it was in his lungs, liver, almost everywhere, he was riddled.
He was due to be discharged home later this week but he sadly died this afternoon after a cardiac arrest. I feel completely lost, numb an in shock now, just last week he seemed fine and his usual cheery happy self telling terrible jokes now he's just gone. He was such a great dad and frankly a brilliant man. He was only 50.
I'm hoping posting on here a bit will help although I know it will take time. The one peace I can find is that he died of the cardiac arrest, I know he wouldn't have wanted the pain and suffering of cancer treatment or the indignity of using catheters and stoma bags for what would have been his final few months.
RIP dad - I love you.
Very sorry to hear this! no age at all, I lost mine earlier in the year aged 54 after a 14 month battle.Found out Thursday my dad has cancer after his bowel perforated. Turns out it was in his lungs, liver, almost everywhere, he was riddled.
He was due to be discharged home later this week but he sadly died this afternoon after a cardiac arrest. I feel completely lost, numb an in shock now, just last week he seemed fine and his usual cheery happy self telling terrible jokes now he's just gone. He was such a great dad and frankly a brilliant man. He was only 50.
I'm hoping posting on here a bit will help although I know it will take time. The one peace I can find is that he died of the cardiac arrest, I know he wouldn't have wanted the pain and suffering of cancer treatment or the indignity of using catheters and stoma bags for what would have been his final few months.
RIP dad - I love you.
I find it makes it easier to talk about it.
AJB88 said:
Very sorry to hear this! no age at all, I lost mine earlier in the year aged 54 after a 14 month battle.
I find it makes it easier to talk about it.
Thanks, sorry about your dad, it's something I know would happen one day but thought would still be here many years. In some ways I'm glad he passed before his cancer battle began, but wish I had longer with him. When he died he was on the normal ward after a few days on ICU, he wasn't expected to pass, we hadn't got a prognosis for the cancer yet but he wouldn't have been around for long. I'd gone for a coffee said I'd be back in a minute when I got back to the ward I was directed into the colourful room with a couple of doctors in, can't describe the feeling. Never properly said goodbye but I'm glad I was out the ward when he did pass, my gran was with him when he passed, he wasn't alone. I find it makes it easier to talk about it.
I'm worried mostly about my sister, she's only 16 and just started her A Levels, she's obviously taken it really hard, but I don't know what to do to help her, my mum (separated from my dad) has been really supportive and obviously despite them having not spoke for years is also upset and shocked.
One strange thing was yesterday morning I got in my car to pick my Grandma up to take her to the hospital and High by The Lighthouse Family came on the radio, when my Grandad died years ago my dad was playing this song all the time, and the song coming on gave me the most awful feeling, listened to it again this morning by choice with tears streaming.
Still not sure what happens next, we are seeing the hospital's bereavement service who will apparently help, and a friend of mine's partner works for a funeral director and said will answer any questions I have. It all still feels very surreal.
Sorry if everythings a bit muddled there, my typing skills are not the best at the moment.
Edited by carlove on Sunday 30th September 08:48
carlove said:
Thanks, sorry about your dad, it's something I know would happen one day but thought would still be here many years. In some ways I'm glad he passed before his cancer battle began, but wish I had longer with him. When he died he was on the normal ward after a few days on ICU, he wasn't expected to pass, we hadn't got a prognosis for the cancer yet but he wouldn't have been around for long. I'd gone for a coffee said I'd be back in a minute when I got back to the ward I was directed into the colourful room with a couple of doctors in, can't describe the feeling. Never properly said goodbye but I'm glad I was out the ward when he did pass, my gran was with him when he passed, he wasn't alone.
I'm worried mostly about my sister, she's only 16 and just started her A Levels, she's obviously taken it really hard, but I don't know what to do to help her, my mum (separated from my dad) has been really supportive and obviously despite them having not spoke for years is also upset and shocked.
One strange thing was yesterday morning I got in my car to pick my Grandma up to take her to the hospital and High by The Lighthouse Family came on the radio, when my Grandad died years ago my dad was playing this song all the time, and the song coming on gave me the most awful feeling, listened to it again this morning by choice with tears streaming.
Still not sure what happens next, we are seeing the hospital's bereavement service who will apparently help, and a friend of mine's partner works for a funeral director and said will answer any questions I have. It all still feels very surreal.
Sorry if everythings a bit muddled there, my typing skills are not the best at the moment.
Understandable mate!I'm worried mostly about my sister, she's only 16 and just started her A Levels, she's obviously taken it really hard, but I don't know what to do to help her, my mum (separated from my dad) has been really supportive and obviously despite them having not spoke for years is also upset and shocked.
One strange thing was yesterday morning I got in my car to pick my Grandma up to take her to the hospital and High by The Lighthouse Family came on the radio, when my Grandad died years ago my dad was playing this song all the time, and the song coming on gave me the most awful feeling, listened to it again this morning by choice with tears streaming.
Still not sure what happens next, we are seeing the hospital's bereavement service who will apparently help, and a friend of mine's partner works for a funeral director and said will answer any questions I have. It all still feels very surreal.
Sorry if everythings a bit muddled there, my typing skills are not the best at the moment.
Edited by carlove on Sunday 30th September 08:48
Your in a similar situation to my family, my sister is 21 but was in her last year training to be a nurse, in her time off she had to look after dad. She has just passed with honours and I think the experience will make her a lot stronger as a nurse now.
I felt it made it easier that we had the 14 months but also it was awful to watch him go down hill. No way is nice.
Spend some time with all the family and remember the good times. I don't think it ever gets easier but I think it helps to talk.
Morning all. This thread is such a hard read, and makes things extremely easy to put into perspective. It's amazing what people moan about (like mentioned above), when really it pales into insignificance compared to the stories in here.
Unfortunately I'm joining in, my mum found out a few months she has endometrial cancer and it really hit me for six. The shock of it happening 'to me' too a while to process. She's gone through four rounds of chemotherapy so far, and just started on five weeks of radiotherapy.
Anyways, we organised a Macmillan Coffee morning yesterday and basically invited friends and neighbours. Only (poor) picture I've got but this was only half of it. My fridge and cupboards are full this morning. We've got enough cake to feed a village!
There is a brio building called Maggie's in Aberdeen which has been outstanding for my mum, so it's great to be able to raise some money and give something back. We raised over £250 just from cakes and coffee which I appreciate may not go very far but it will hopefully help someone somewhere.
Unfortunately I'm joining in, my mum found out a few months she has endometrial cancer and it really hit me for six. The shock of it happening 'to me' too a while to process. She's gone through four rounds of chemotherapy so far, and just started on five weeks of radiotherapy.
Anyways, we organised a Macmillan Coffee morning yesterday and basically invited friends and neighbours. Only (poor) picture I've got but this was only half of it. My fridge and cupboards are full this morning. We've got enough cake to feed a village!
There is a brio building called Maggie's in Aberdeen which has been outstanding for my mum, so it's great to be able to raise some money and give something back. We raised over £250 just from cakes and coffee which I appreciate may not go very far but it will hopefully help someone somewhere.
AJB88 said:
Understandable mate!
Your in a similar situation to my family, my sister is 21 but was in her last year training to be a nurse, in her time off she had to look after dad. She has just passed with honours and I think the experience will make her a lot stronger as a nurse now.
I felt it made it easier that we had the 14 months but also it was awful to watch him go down hill. No way is nice.
Spend some time with all the family and remember the good times. I don't think it ever gets easier but I think it helps to talk.
Your sister did great, you must be really proud. Your in a similar situation to my family, my sister is 21 but was in her last year training to be a nurse, in her time off she had to look after dad. She has just passed with honours and I think the experience will make her a lot stronger as a nurse now.
I felt it made it easier that we had the 14 months but also it was awful to watch him go down hill. No way is nice.
Spend some time with all the family and remember the good times. I don't think it ever gets easier but I think it helps to talk.
I went to my dad's house today and found a letter saying he had end stage renal failure and they thought there was cancer, it was the cancer than got him. He knew for a while but kept it hidden. His dad had a slow decline with cancer and he found it really hard so kept it hidden from me. Also found his horrible brown jumper, have taken that home with me as a nice reminder.
carlove said:
Your sister did great, you must be really proud.
I went to my dad's house today and found a letter saying he had end stage renal failure and they thought there was cancer, it was the cancer than got him. He knew for a while but kept it hidden. His dad had a slow decline with cancer and he found it really hard so kept it hidden from me. Also found his horrible brown jumper, have taken that home with me as a nice reminder.
He was trying to protect you all but also it must be horrible keeping it quiet because you technically suffer alone, I just hope he had a good friend to confide in. I went to my dad's house today and found a letter saying he had end stage renal failure and they thought there was cancer, it was the cancer than got him. He knew for a while but kept it hidden. His dad had a slow decline with cancer and he found it really hard so kept it hidden from me. Also found his horrible brown jumper, have taken that home with me as a nice reminder.
I'm pretty sure I speak for everybody when I say if you need to chat mate we are all on here.
carlove said:
I'm worried mostly about my sister, she's only 16 and just started her A Levels, she's obviously taken it really hard, but I don't know what to do to help her,
I would tell her there's 2 ways she can react to an event like this. 1. Go off the rails, and f
k up her A levels. No one will blame her, she has the perfect excuse to fail.2. Dig in, be strong, do the work, get good grades.
Ask her which one her dad would have expected of her.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
I would tell her there's 2 ways she can react to an event like this.
1. Go off the rails, and fk up her A levels. No one will blame her, she has the perfect excuse to fail.
2. Dig in, be strong, do the work, get good grades.
Ask her which one her dad would have expected of her.
She's determined to keep going with college and went in this morning, I had to pick her up at 11 but was really proud of her for trying, Dad would have been proud too. It's awful hearing her cry, I'm all cried out a little bit but she is wailing and it's horrible to see and hear. I spoke to the college support service who are going to set up counselling for her if she wants it. 1. Go off the rails, and f
k up her A levels. No one will blame her, she has the perfect excuse to fail.2. Dig in, be strong, do the work, get good grades.
Ask her which one her dad would have expected of her.
Visited my older brother today who has mental health issues and he had all the lights off and curtains drawn, no sheets on his bed at all, took him for a meal, but worried about him, will call in tomorrow. I have the somewhat unfortunate position of being the strongest of my siblings but have got good support for myself.
Picking up the death cert and registering death tomorrow, not a task I'm looking forward to but has to be done and also will be able to sort the accounts out with it.
My truly amazing uncle has come up from Brighton (we're in York) to help as he lost his dad/my grandad at a similar age to me and is helping me to sort everything, he even offered to do it all for me, but I do want to get involved.
carlove said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
I would tell her there's 2 ways she can react to an event like this.
1. Go off the rails, and fk up her A levels. No one will blame her, she has the perfect excuse to fail.
2. Dig in, be strong, do the work, get good grades.
Ask her which one her dad would have expected of her.
She's determined to keep going with college and went in this morning, I had to pick her up at 11 but was really proud of her for trying, Dad would have been proud too. It's awful hearing her cry, I'm all cried out a little bit but she is wailing and it's horrible to see and hear. I spoke to the college support service who are going to set up counselling for her if she wants it. 1. Go off the rails, and f
k up her A levels. No one will blame her, she has the perfect excuse to fail.2. Dig in, be strong, do the work, get good grades.
Ask her which one her dad would have expected of her.
Visited my older brother today who has mental health issues and he had all the lights off and curtains drawn, no sheets on his bed at all, took him for a meal, but worried about him, will call in tomorrow. I have the somewhat unfortunate position of being the strongest of my siblings but have got good support for myself.
Picking up the death cert and registering death tomorrow, not a task I'm looking forward to but has to be done and also will be able to sort the accounts out with it.
My truly amazing uncle has come up from Brighton (we're in York) to help as he lost his dad/my grandad at a similar age to me and is helping me to sort everything, he even offered to do it all for me, but I do want to get involved.
My dad doesn't have long left now, he went into a hospice yesterday being told days to a week, originally had lung cancer treated but within a year he found he had brain cancer terminal, he is ill now he hasn't accepted its terminal he is total denial get annoyed I've come to see him as 'its not that bad' 
. I don't know what to do at moment because I don't want to upset him so I'm just going along with what he thinks is happening.
. I don't know what to do at moment because I don't want to upset him so I'm just going along with what he thinks is happening.PostHeads123 said:
My dad doesn't have long left now, he went into a hospice yesterday being told days to a week, originally had lung cancer treated but within a year he found he had brain cancer terminal, he is ill now he hasn't accepted its terminal he is total denial get annoyed I've come to see him as 'its not that bad' . I don't know what to do at moment because I don't want to upset him so I'm just going along with what he thinks is happening.
Wow that's never easy but at least he isn't thinking its the end. . I don't know what to do at moment because I don't want to upset him so I'm just going along with what he thinks is happening.All you can do is support him and be there for him, tell him its what YOU want to do.
Given he's in total denial I'm assuming he's not of old age either. Be strong for him
theboss said:
My stepdad got his diagnosis today - non-small cell lung cancer at stage T4N3M1a. He had a PET scan and a biopsy from a lymph node in his neck where it’s spread to. Anyone survived this? It’s not looking good for him.
Just over four months since this diagnosis - my stepdad sadly passed away yesterday morning. I wasn’t there but my mum was by his side and several of my siblings were with her immediately after. I understand it was very peaceful. To make matters worse my Mums Dad is also in his final days, but the cancer hospice have arranged for his transfer from hospital (even though he’s dying simply from old age) so my Mum can have continuity of surroundings and not have to suddenly move to a more traumatic hospital environment. It seems like a very considerate move on their part and they have been instrumental in providing comfort for both my parents in the last few months leading up to his passing. Total respect for the jobs that they do. Two family funerals to plan inside a week at this rate.theboss said:
Just over four months since this diagnosis - my stepdad sadly passed away yesterday morning. I wasn’t there but my mum was by his side and several of my siblings were with her immediately after. I understand it was very peaceful. To make matters worse my Mums Dad is also in his final days, but the cancer hospice have arranged for his transfer from hospital (even though he’s dying simply from old age) so my Mum can have continuity of surroundings and not have to suddenly move to a more traumatic hospital environment. It seems like a very considerate move on their part and they have been instrumental in providing comfort for both my parents in the last few months leading up to his passing. Total respect for the jobs that they do. Two family funerals to plan inside a week at this rate.
Very sorry to hear this. No words really.Not considered posting this here before but some triggers that have happened in the last few days prompted me.
My father of 65 died on Easter Sunday this year of an acute glioblastoma.
Statistically he did very well by surviving for just over 12 months from diagnosis, the hard part was the pressure on his brain took the feeling from his entire left side and he was left wheel-chair bound (bed-bound by the end). The diagnosis came after he had a fall in the garden after losing balance.
Despite his new disability, that 12 months gave him a chance to fulfill some ambitions and frankly some things every parent should do - he published two books he was researching and writing, continued to attend and review concerts, went fishing a couple of times (against my step-mother's wishes!) and most notably made it all the way to Cambridge to see my half-sister graduate.
We were never close in a typically father and son way. It didn't help geographically - he and my mum were divorced when I was 6 and we moved to Hertfordshire when I was 13 while he remained in South Wales.
We shared passions for our football team, cricket in general and music but apart from that our relationship was relatively formal and straight-laced.
Until that last year. We became closer and talked about things we would never have dreamed about before - hopes, fears, love, death, the future. I did what I could being 5 hours away and managing my own family of 3 young ones but the distance kept me detached from the sacrifice my step-mother was making as a 24 hour carer - she was an absolute rock and I don't quite know how she held it all together.
It was a classic case of not realizing what you have got until you have lost it and sometimes how much we take our parents just being alive for granted. One thing my dad always did was make the effort to call me, he never sent texts or emails, always the phone.
I miss receiving those calls.
My father of 65 died on Easter Sunday this year of an acute glioblastoma.
Statistically he did very well by surviving for just over 12 months from diagnosis, the hard part was the pressure on his brain took the feeling from his entire left side and he was left wheel-chair bound (bed-bound by the end). The diagnosis came after he had a fall in the garden after losing balance.
Despite his new disability, that 12 months gave him a chance to fulfill some ambitions and frankly some things every parent should do - he published two books he was researching and writing, continued to attend and review concerts, went fishing a couple of times (against my step-mother's wishes!) and most notably made it all the way to Cambridge to see my half-sister graduate.
We were never close in a typically father and son way. It didn't help geographically - he and my mum were divorced when I was 6 and we moved to Hertfordshire when I was 13 while he remained in South Wales.
We shared passions for our football team, cricket in general and music but apart from that our relationship was relatively formal and straight-laced.
Until that last year. We became closer and talked about things we would never have dreamed about before - hopes, fears, love, death, the future. I did what I could being 5 hours away and managing my own family of 3 young ones but the distance kept me detached from the sacrifice my step-mother was making as a 24 hour carer - she was an absolute rock and I don't quite know how she held it all together.
It was a classic case of not realizing what you have got until you have lost it and sometimes how much we take our parents just being alive for granted. One thing my dad always did was make the effort to call me, he never sent texts or emails, always the phone.
I miss receiving those calls.
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