Help with elderly relatives - Parkinson's + Dementia issues?
Discussion
I'm content people are at peace.
MIL: well, when she's having forgetful days, it's easier for my wife to deal with on the phone. When her Mum's more "with it", she's miserable and wants to go home.
I can't recall if I mentioned before (there I go again!!), but my wife had written a letter to all those her Mum used to send Christmas cards to, to explain the situation / changes and the fact that they may not have received a card for 2017 at all.
Seems quite a lot DID get cards, and, perhaps more surprisingly, that my MIL wrote notes in them to tell of John's passing. My wife had quite a lot of polite and very nice letters in response to hers.
DOL is still outstanding!
Fook knows why it takes Bournemouth sooooo long to fix these - probably because of the sheer number of carehomes they have to deal with?
Probate's done for FIL's finances, which is a load off, preparing stuff and also financially.
The biggest useless bunch of t
ts we've had to deal with are TSB. Everything was put in place for POA with my wife, internet access requested... failed to deliver - numerous times - turns out they kept sending the details to MIL! WTF?!
Wife wants to close the TSB account now, which they said was easy to do... oh, they lost the POA paperwork!
TSB Romsey : please stay clear of these absolute muppets! They lose everything and anything.
A/c closure will now have to wait until we're there IN PERSON now.
Next UK visit will be mid-July, so hoping the weather's good and we can take MIL to the beach for a walk in the sun.
MIL: well, when she's having forgetful days, it's easier for my wife to deal with on the phone. When her Mum's more "with it", she's miserable and wants to go home.
I can't recall if I mentioned before (there I go again!!), but my wife had written a letter to all those her Mum used to send Christmas cards to, to explain the situation / changes and the fact that they may not have received a card for 2017 at all.
Seems quite a lot DID get cards, and, perhaps more surprisingly, that my MIL wrote notes in them to tell of John's passing. My wife had quite a lot of polite and very nice letters in response to hers.
DOL is still outstanding!
Fook knows why it takes Bournemouth sooooo long to fix these - probably because of the sheer number of carehomes they have to deal with?
Probate's done for FIL's finances, which is a load off, preparing stuff and also financially.
The biggest useless bunch of t
ts we've had to deal with are TSB. Everything was put in place for POA with my wife, internet access requested... failed to deliver - numerous times - turns out they kept sending the details to MIL! WTF?! Wife wants to close the TSB account now, which they said was easy to do... oh, they lost the POA paperwork!
TSB Romsey : please stay clear of these absolute muppets! They lose everything and anything.
A/c closure will now have to wait until we're there IN PERSON now.
Next UK visit will be mid-July, so hoping the weather's good and we can take MIL to the beach for a walk in the sun.
Not entirely related to relatives, but spurred on by it all the same, I've signed up for "Running Down Dementia 2018", and have a lot of sponsorhip money in the bag already.
Essentially I must have logged runs (from my Strava account) for a minimum distance of 100km between the beginning of this week and the end of August 2018.
I've also a sponsorship minimum target total of £200.
If anyone wishes to follow and sponsor me
ETA link: https://runningdowndementia2018.everydayhero.com/u...
Essentially I must have logged runs (from my Strava account) for a minimum distance of 100km between the beginning of this week and the end of August 2018.
I've also a sponsorship minimum target total of £200.
If anyone wishes to follow and sponsor me
ETA link: https://runningdowndementia2018.everydayhero.com/u...
Edited by RC1807 on Friday 25th May 14:56
We'll have to "eat it" with the fees, but it's still the best home around that we'd seen, certainly.
Fortunately we don't have to worry about income / expenditure as my late FIL spent all his life investing for his retirement.
On another note, my wife's seen her Mum a few times in the last days as we're more local in the area for a week or so. Aside from some odd places she packs things, and becoming a bit of a kleptomaniac in recent weeks (much stuff has been returned to others!), she's more settled even if not fully understanding everything all the time. We'll take her out somewhere for a change of scenery this week.
One of the fellow care home residents, a chap called Terry, I used to have very coherent conversations with. He's sadly a much slighter man now, 8 or so months on, and almost impossible to understand his speech, odd words here and there, or how he's switching from one subject to another, but I just went with the flow when he chatted with me on Saturday.
Dementia's st. Really st. 
Fortunately we don't have to worry about income / expenditure as my late FIL spent all his life investing for his retirement.
On another note, my wife's seen her Mum a few times in the last days as we're more local in the area for a week or so. Aside from some odd places she packs things, and becoming a bit of a kleptomaniac in recent weeks (much stuff has been returned to others!), she's more settled even if not fully understanding everything all the time. We'll take her out somewhere for a change of scenery this week.
One of the fellow care home residents, a chap called Terry, I used to have very coherent conversations with. He's sadly a much slighter man now, 8 or so months on, and almost impossible to understand his speech, odd words here and there, or how he's switching from one subject to another, but I just went with the flow when he chatted with me on Saturday.
Dementia's s
t. Really st. Well done Sgt. Orange for making the GP listen. That's often the largest battle, and it really shouldn't be!
MIL's beocme institutionalised now, for wnat of a better phrase. My wife went to the UK to see her last week. MIL didn't even want a trip out of the home. She's more involved in their activities, which is backed up when we see the home's photos on FB, and she has absolutely zero record of time / how long she's been where she's been. Still asks where her husband is from time to time. It'll be 1 year since he died in a couple of weeks.
MIL's beocme institutionalised now, for wnat of a better phrase. My wife went to the UK to see her last week. MIL didn't even want a trip out of the home. She's more involved in their activities, which is backed up when we see the home's photos on FB, and she has absolutely zero record of time / how long she's been where she's been. Still asks where her husband is from time to time. It'll be 1 year since he died in a couple of weeks.
Hi Geeman
Phumy and I both responded on your initial thread, and I'm pleased you're now able to go to the UK to start things off for your Mum.
Being outside the UK does complicate things, especially with such large time differences, to speak to the people you need to - so please have a clear list of what you need to achieve in the week you're over, as it'll soon pass.
Even though you don't have the £ PoA in place yet, please go to your Mum's bank(s) / building society to find out what they need to give you access once the PoA is available. All institutions differ in their requirements, and many of the banks you can't speak to directly, rather going through a long call tree or call centre, then the person doesn't know what's needed!
That can be very frustrating.
My wife closed some bank accounts the folks had as the banks were so sodding useless at putting the PoA in place and giving online banking access.
Although we're outside the UK, we're only an 8h drive door-to-door, so my wife's racked up more than 30k km just going to / from the UK in the last year or so to sort things out, and it did take a LOT of time as the folks (certainly FIL) should have gone into nursing care earlier, as MIL didn't want to be apart from him.
For the finance side of things, as I recall, Social Services will fund at their reduced rate (they get from the care home) until you're able to repay it - from the sale of the house, by the sound of it.
The PoA can be a "PITA", with certified copies being sent here and there, once it's granted, but knowing what's needed in advance helps a LOT.
Best wishes for your trip and getting things sorted.
Phumy and I both responded on your initial thread, and I'm pleased you're now able to go to the UK to start things off for your Mum.
Being outside the UK does complicate things, especially with such large time differences, to speak to the people you need to - so please have a clear list of what you need to achieve in the week you're over, as it'll soon pass.
Even though you don't have the £ PoA in place yet, please go to your Mum's bank(s) / building society to find out what they need to give you access once the PoA is available. All institutions differ in their requirements, and many of the banks you can't speak to directly, rather going through a long call tree or call centre, then the person doesn't know what's needed!
That can be very frustrating.
My wife closed some bank accounts the folks had as the banks were so sodding useless at putting the PoA in place and giving online banking access.
Although we're outside the UK, we're only an 8h drive door-to-door, so my wife's racked up more than 30k km just going to / from the UK in the last year or so to sort things out, and it did take a LOT of time as the folks (certainly FIL) should have gone into nursing care earlier, as MIL didn't want to be apart from him.
For the finance side of things, as I recall, Social Services will fund at their reduced rate (they get from the care home) until you're able to repay it - from the sale of the house, by the sound of it.
The PoA can be a "PITA", with certified copies being sent here and there, once it's granted, but knowing what's needed in advance helps a LOT.
Best wishes for your trip and getting things sorted.
Christmas came and went, and MIL didn't make any fuss at all like she did about sending cards, present shopping as in 2017.
She seems to have become kind of "institutionalised" in her day dreaming in the last few months.
When my wife calls her, the call contents are more or less the same, depending on what's on TV in the background. There's sometimes a mention of "Don't know where your Dad is...", but that's becoming less, as is the, "I'll be going home soon...", which makes things easier for my wife, but the fact she's lost her Dad and her Mum's not all there must be difficult in itself.
I hope those others who'd posted in similar circumstances (being abroad from folks) have managed to progress favourably, too.
She seems to have become kind of "institutionalised" in her day dreaming in the last few months.
When my wife calls her, the call contents are more or less the same, depending on what's on TV in the background. There's sometimes a mention of "Don't know where your Dad is...", but that's becoming less, as is the, "I'll be going home soon...", which makes things easier for my wife, but the fact she's lost her Dad and her Mum's not all there must be difficult in itself.
I hope those others who'd posted in similar circumstances (being abroad from folks) have managed to progress favourably, too.
Grandad Gaz: I'm very sorry to read this, Your Dad has dealt with an awful lot, and it must have been very hard for him to admit he can't cope any longer, especially as I guess they will have been together for many years.
When I look back at the start of this thread (Apr 2017), I was voicing concerns over my inlaws following an Easter visit to the UK, and by June it really changed. However, I'm eternally grateful to all the PHers who gave support, comments and advice for my wife and I to work through the minefield of hospitals, social services, care homes and nursing homes.
PHers are, for the greater part, an amazing community of knowledge and information.
Thank you all!
Best of luck.
When I look back at the start of this thread (Apr 2017), I was voicing concerns over my inlaws following an Easter visit to the UK, and by June it really changed. However, I'm eternally grateful to all the PHers who gave support, comments and advice for my wife and I to work through the minefield of hospitals, social services, care homes and nursing homes.
PHers are, for the greater part, an amazing community of knowledge and information.
Thank you all!
WinstonWolf said:
In her condition she *may* qualify for funding based on medical need. I'd certainly be asking for assistance. Some homes are very good at handling the funding application on your behalf as it can be a bit of a minefield.
From memory, care / nursing homes are very helpful to work on the funding applications, well, because it's in their interests to do so, too. Certainly those who are more familiar with the content fo the forms are also best as these things can be confusing, and we found form filling and approvals for things took some time in Hampshire.Best of luck.
Mexican cuties said:
...
has anyone had to deal with this stage of dementia care when the funds are low
many thanks
Hihas anyone had to deal with this stage of dementia care when the funds are low
many thanks
I guess this is where a conversation needs to happen with the local social services / authority, to see if the care can be maintained at their cost once the funds have, sadly, all gone?
My wife's gran didn't have anything moneywise when she went into local council care, but MIL and her sister, back then, pushed the local authority to ensure she went to a good home in their hometown, of which there were only 2 to choose from.
Being in care is tough enough, but moving an elderly person once they're settled in a home can become very difficult for them.
Best wishes.
Mrs RC1807 visited her Mum this week, together with our daughters. It was meant to be a bit of a special trip as MIL turned 80 on Tuesday. I wasn't able to join as I had a business trip on another continent.
However, after some recent medical issues, MIL was only returned to her nursing home on Monday from Royal Bournemouth Hospital, after about 9 days there. Fortunately my wife was on hand to move her.
It proved a very difficult visit for my wife and daughters. MIL not really interacting much, nothing to say, and for her granddaughters, none of the usual almost crushing hugs and big kisses they used to get from Grandma, but very little recognition at all. That was quite tough for them, I think, even though they're older teens.
Whilst MIL was still in hospital, it gave my 3 ladies a chance to sort out MIL's nursing home room, with many unexplained items being stashed, and the top of the wardrobes being used as a bin, which wasn't evident from the floor as the wardrobes have a cornice attached .... All kinds of stuff "binned" up there!
Physically she's fine. Mental capacity, however, now seems really reduced. No crosswords, reading or puzzles for her now. She used to be a demon on her Daily Telegraph crossword! The careers make sure she gets out of her room to join their extensive daily activities they organise.
We expect tougher times ahead, of course, and my wife's staying in touch with the home to see how her Mum is every couple of days, just to see if the recent behaviour was down to her having been in hospital. Who knows.
Best wishes to all.
However, after some recent medical issues, MIL was only returned to her nursing home on Monday from Royal Bournemouth Hospital, after about 9 days there. Fortunately my wife was on hand to move her.
It proved a very difficult visit for my wife and daughters. MIL not really interacting much, nothing to say, and for her granddaughters, none of the usual almost crushing hugs and big kisses they used to get from Grandma, but very little recognition at all. That was quite tough for them, I think, even though they're older teens.
Whilst MIL was still in hospital, it gave my 3 ladies a chance to sort out MIL's nursing home room, with many unexplained items being stashed, and the top of the wardrobes being used as a bin, which wasn't evident from the floor as the wardrobes have a cornice attached .... All kinds of stuff "binned" up there!
Physically she's fine. Mental capacity, however, now seems really reduced. No crosswords, reading or puzzles for her now. She used to be a demon on her Daily Telegraph crossword! The careers make sure she gets out of her room to join their extensive daily activities they organise.
We expect tougher times ahead, of course, and my wife's staying in touch with the home to see how her Mum is every couple of days, just to see if the recent behaviour was down to her having been in hospital. Who knows.
Best wishes to all.
Our current fear is that MIL had a fall due to a stroke, which lead to her hospital stay (mobile issues - wanted her checked out for any fractures). Since her return to the home she continues to have some mobility issues and says her food and drink tastes odd, so she's not drinking / eating much.
My wife's made it clear she doesn't want her Mum sent back to hospital, and that the nurses at the nursing home are to try with the carers to find food / drink she will have so she can stay there as long as possible.
Her mental capacity, as I said last week, has deteriorated significantly, and realisation of what's to come set in as my FIL went the same way, quickly.
My wife's made it clear she doesn't want her Mum sent back to hospital, and that the nurses at the nursing home are to try with the carers to find food / drink she will have so she can stay there as long as possible.
Her mental capacity, as I said last week, has deteriorated significantly, and realisation of what's to come set in as my FIL went the same way, quickly.
Edited by RC1807 on Sunday 21st April 11:08
Grandad Gaz said:
I have power of attorney, so unless it's life threatening, then she stays at the home.
Exactly that, Gaz ... my wife has PoA for her Mum.We don't want her in hospital not understanding what's going on. In her recent trip she kept removing her canula, which wasn't helping her rehyddration she was being treated for.
We don't want her in hospital for end of life care. My FIL died in Royal Bournemouth Hospital, alone. It took them days to release the body to the undertaker and about 2 weeks to issue his death certificate. It's a bloody shambles there as the staffing's so short.
Also, we HOPE end of life care is still some time away, but with the recent decline, this may not be as far away as we thought.
I'm sorry to read that, Gaz. £4K / week is simply crazy money. No one can afford that in the real world.... my MIL's fees are about £4K / month, which is more than enough.
Rather than your Mum having 1:1 care at that price, can't she be more easily cared for if she has a wheelchair? My FIL had a chair when he went into nursing care, as he was a significant fall risk with Parkinson's, and it made things much easier for him, MIL and the home staff.
Just a thought.
Best wishes
Rather than your Mum having 1:1 care at that price, can't she be more easily cared for if she has a wheelchair? My FIL had a chair when he went into nursing care, as he was a significant fall risk with Parkinson's, and it made things much easier for him, MIL and the home staff.
Just a thought.
Best wishes
MIL's recent decline and wish to sleep a lot, even during the day, has been diagnosed with one very stty word : myeloma
For fk's sake!
The home have been advised not to pursue any treatment, being chemo, blood transfusions or bone marrow transplants, as she's now very frail having not eaten much for weeks. It's just about making her comfortable now.
She doesn't need to know about the condition, which is incurable and will be terminal, as she won't be able to remember what's been said to her and then be able to worry about it.
tty word : myelomaFor f
k's sake! The home have been advised not to pursue any treatment, being chemo, blood transfusions or bone marrow transplants, as she's now very frail having not eaten much for weeks. It's just about making her comfortable now.
She doesn't need to know about the condition, which is incurable and will be terminal, as she won't be able to remember what's been said to her and then be able to worry about it.
Thanks for your kind words, Phumy. Your situation must be even more difficult to work with, though. Sorry for yours, too.
My wife's been remarkably matter of fact about it. I think the last 2 years have been very tough on her, putting both parents in care, selling their house, sorting finances. Her Dad died +/-18 months ago, and now her Mum's very ill too. It's all a bit st.
My wife's been remarkably matter of fact about it. I think the last 2 years have been very tough on her, putting both parents in care, selling their house, sorting finances. Her Dad died +/-18 months ago, and now her Mum's very ill too. It's all a bit s
t. Sorry for your loss, Rizzo.
I completely understand how the decision for end of life care was reached, and this will be very much how we'll deal with my wife's Mum too. Keeping her comfortable. We're just pleased my MIL signed the LPA in front of her solicitor whilst she was still a little more "with it". My wife will be back in the UK in a ocuple of weeks to see her Mum.
I've asked my Mum & step-dad to sort their LPAs out ASAP, more than once, in case. Mum's 72, step-dad is 76. Better to be prepared, etc.
I completely understand how the decision for end of life care was reached, and this will be very much how we'll deal with my wife's Mum too. Keeping her comfortable. We're just pleased my MIL signed the LPA in front of her solicitor whilst she was still a little more "with it". My wife will be back in the UK in a ocuple of weeks to see her Mum.
I've asked my Mum & step-dad to sort their LPAs out ASAP, more than once, in case. Mum's 72, step-dad is 76. Better to be prepared, etc.
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