Help with elderly relatives - Parkinson's + Dementia issues?
Discussion
WinstonWolf said:
It might be better to say "he's nipped to the shops" or some other plausible explanation. If the news of the death hasn't sunk in there's very little benefit in explaining it, there's also the fact that the news will be momentarily distressing each time she hears it.
I agree with this.I'm not sure taking her to the undertakers is a good idea either tbh, again, that's why you have LPA!
aeropilot said:
WinstonWolf said:
It might be better to say "he's nipped to the shops" or some other plausible explanation. If the news of the death hasn't sunk in there's very little benefit in explaining it, there's also the fact that the news will be momentarily distressing each time she hears it.
I agree with this.I'm not sure taking her to the undertakers is a good idea either tbh, again, that's why you have LPA!
RC1807 said:
It's not my mum. MIL said she wanted to go. I have to respect my wife's and her mum's wishes, as much as practicable
I will find out later if it was a good or bad idea
I'll be the dissenting voice and say that MIL to undertakers could turn out to be a good thing - think of it as a multi-sensory process of helping her understand and remember that he's gone. Not just a conversation (agonisingly repeated over and over) but visiting a different place, which she'll have long term associations with funerals/bereavement around, possibly seeing him even, flowers, all that. I will find out later if it was a good or bad idea
Later on - don't actually lie to her. Even when she's far too gone to properly understand that he died, if she remembers "he just popped out to the shops" for long enough to wonder why he isn't back yet, it'll just make her feel more confused and cross. "He can't be here right now" or similar might skate that knife edge between avoiding agitating her with stuff that she senses ain't true, and putting her through the bereavement over and over again. I remember telling my grandpa over and over one afternoon that he hadn't got to worry about what time the train home was because we didn't have to go anywhere today - while he was sat in the living room of the house he lived in for something like 55 years. "But you're already at home" wouldn't cut it, but we could get away with "we're all just where we need to be for today".
also see how she reacts at the undertakers, then you and your wife can decide, we was advised some times that the undertakers is enough for them to realise and then close that chapter without the funeral, coffin etc. I think we were lucky at the time that my MIL just accepted that he was not about, but he had been in hospital a few months prior for 6 weeks, one day she spoke on the phone whilst he was in the ward, then 5 minutes later asked how's dad.
what ever happens, all our thoughts are with you, don't think there is a right or wrong way, you can only do your best, which is what you both have done all along. x
what ever happens, all our thoughts are with you, don't think there is a right or wrong way, you can only do your best, which is what you both have done all along. x
We are not under any illusions that this will get any easier, but today wasn't so bad, I'm told.
MIL felt she needed to do something to be involved, and since they were together 62 years, Alzheimer's aside, she understood today what was happening.
My Mum joined them at the FD's for moral support, and she keeps a very calm attitude and demeanour in these situations, which helped enormously.
Bournemouth Crem is booked for Fri 1st.
MIL felt she needed to do something to be involved, and since they were together 62 years, Alzheimer's aside, she understood today what was happening.
My Mum joined them at the FD's for moral support, and she keeps a very calm attitude and demeanour in these situations, which helped enormously.
Bournemouth Crem is booked for Fri 1st.
Funeral's all sorted.
Wife's home for 1 week as I've a L/H business trip tomorrow, back at the weekend.
Royal Bormuff Hospital admin called my wife today to let her know they found my FIL's Omega watch which wasn't recorded on his belongings list when he was admitted - so that's ONE good thing now. We thought someone was trying to yoink it for themselves by not recording it. It's in my FIL's Will to go to his son.
MIL's being cared for extremely well by the home, and the home will call my wife every day with an update on her, since my MIL no longer has a direct dial phone.
Wife heads back to the UK next Monday to pack more at the house, and sort her Mum ready for Friday's funeral. The 3 of us arrive later on Thu night by air.
NOT looking forward to trying to keep myself together at the funeral whilst looking after my wife and her Mum.
Also will be tricky at the Funeral as my BIL's not seen his sons for more than 15 years (pretty much abandoned them), and they'll both be there, aged 24 (6'5") and aged 23 (6'7"), together with their Mum, my BIL's 1st wife.
Oof!
As I say at work, "NMFP!"
I'm looking after my wife, MIL and daughters.
Wife's home for 1 week as I've a L/H business trip tomorrow, back at the weekend.
Royal Bormuff Hospital admin called my wife today to let her know they found my FIL's Omega watch which wasn't recorded on his belongings list when he was admitted - so that's ONE good thing now. We thought someone was trying to yoink it for themselves by not recording it. It's in my FIL's Will to go to his son.
MIL's being cared for extremely well by the home, and the home will call my wife every day with an update on her, since my MIL no longer has a direct dial phone.
Wife heads back to the UK next Monday to pack more at the house, and sort her Mum ready for Friday's funeral. The 3 of us arrive later on Thu night by air.
NOT looking forward to trying to keep myself together at the funeral whilst looking after my wife and her Mum.
Also will be tricky at the Funeral as my BIL's not seen his sons for more than 15 years (pretty much abandoned them), and they'll both be there, aged 24 (6'5") and aged 23 (6'7"), together with their Mum, my BIL's 1st wife.
Oof!
As I say at work, "NMFP!"
I'm looking after my wife, MIL and daughters.
Good luck with it all, I found that when the hearse pulled up just went into protective mode, making sure people had hugs, tissue and a cuddle, even a couple of stories with a little humour that bring his character pre illness will help you all, and bring a small smile. After all your posts the compassion you show them all will get them and you through. Hope mil is getting through it, your mum sounds a good person to have around with mil.
It's a long journey but it does get better promise 😐
It's a long journey but it does get better promise 😐
I got back from a long haul business trip on Sunday and my wife's been in the UK since Monday, mostly sorting out her Dad's Will, but also to support her Mum.
At the beginning of the week her Mum was understanding of the situation, and obviously upset about it. Yesterday my wife visited her Mum, and she asked my wife, "Where's your Dad?", twice in under 15 minutes. She still wants to go home to "get back to her routine", which can't happen.
Funeral's tomorrow.
MIL's house is going on the market immediately after Christmas.
At the beginning of the week her Mum was understanding of the situation, and obviously upset about it. Yesterday my wife visited her Mum, and she asked my wife, "Where's your Dad?", twice in under 15 minutes. She still wants to go home to "get back to her routine", which can't happen.
Funeral's tomorrow.
MIL's house is going on the market immediately after Christmas.
That was a tough day, and I hope we don't have any more like it, ever,
MIL held composure throughout, and dealt with the event itself remarkably well, as did my wife. Funeral directors were brilliant, as was the lady who performed the ceremony.
BIL had little to say, but he thanked my wife and me for all we've done. He didn't hang around.
Afternoon tea was hosted at a cliff top hotel in town, and was ideal for the 18 (only ) or so of us there.
My wife took her Mum back to the care home, and then her Mum had forgotten all about the cremation ceremony.
Late last night my wife succumbed to her private grieving for her Dad, which was difficult, but not unexpected. She's had so much to deal with this year.
In short, Alzheimer's sucks.
My wife's brilliant.
MIL held composure throughout, and dealt with the event itself remarkably well, as did my wife. Funeral directors were brilliant, as was the lady who performed the ceremony.
BIL had little to say, but he thanked my wife and me for all we've done. He didn't hang around.
Afternoon tea was hosted at a cliff top hotel in town, and was ideal for the 18 (only
) or so of us there.My wife took her Mum back to the care home, and then her Mum had forgotten all about the cremation ceremony.
Late last night my wife succumbed to her private grieving for her Dad, which was difficult, but not unexpected. She's had so much to deal with this year.
In short, Alzheimer's sucks.
My wife's brilliant.
RC1807 said:
BIL had little to say, but he thanked my wife and me for all we've done. He didn't hang around.
He's an arse. But you know that...RC1807 said:
Late last night my wife succumbed to her private grieving for her Dad, which was difficult, but not unexpected. She's had so much to deal with this year.
<hug>RC1807 said:
In short, Alzheimer's sucks.
My wife's brilliant.
Yup, and yup.My wife's brilliant.
I was back in the UK for a few days over the weekend.
Friday, I went to see my MIL at the home. She's very miffed at being kept 'locked up', and wants to go home. Explained the usual, then she responded with, "John will want to hear this. He's around somewhere..."
Oh
I had to explain to her 3 times in 3 hours on Friday, twice in 40 minutes on Saturday.
She packs every day, thinking she's tidying up. The carers then unpack her stuff each day.
The few Christmas cards written were signed from them both.
My wife's dealing with her father's Will. As the house is in the MIL's name, only cash/pensions to resolve, which are being worked through.
House is going on the market on 2nd Jan. Agent has viewings arranged already, an open day planned, and all the particulars drawn up.
We hope it will sell quickly - as it seems to in Romsey.
We will be back sometime in the New Year to empty the house, put some stuff in a self-storage place around Bournemouth, and a lot, mostly furniture, will go to charities.
Friday, I went to see my MIL at the home. She's very miffed at being kept 'locked up', and wants to go home. Explained the usual, then she responded with, "John will want to hear this. He's around somewhere..."
Oh
I had to explain to her 3 times in 3 hours on Friday, twice in 40 minutes on Saturday.
She packs every day, thinking she's tidying up. The carers then unpack her stuff each day.
The few Christmas cards written were signed from them both.
My wife's dealing with her father's Will. As the house is in the MIL's name, only cash/pensions to resolve, which are being worked through.
House is going on the market on 2nd Jan. Agent has viewings arranged already, an open day planned, and all the particulars drawn up.
We hope it will sell quickly - as it seems to in Romsey.
We will be back sometime in the New Year to empty the house, put some stuff in a self-storage place around Bournemouth, and a lot, mostly furniture, will go to charities.
RC1807 said:
I was back in the UK for a few days over the weekend.
Friday, I went to see my MIL at the home. She's very miffed at being kept 'locked up', and wants to go home. Explained the usual, then she responded with, "John will want to hear this. He's around somewhere..."
Oh
I had to explain to her 3 times in 3 hours on Friday, twice in 40 minutes on Saturday.
She packs every day, thinking she's tidying up. The carers then unpack her stuff each day.
The few Christmas cards written were signed from them both.
My wife's dealing with her father's Will. As the house is in the MIL's name, only cash/pensions to resolve, which are being worked through.
House is going on the market on 2nd Jan. Agent has viewings arranged already, an open day planned, and all the particulars drawn up.
We hope it will sell quickly - as it seems to in Romsey.
We will be back sometime in the New Year to empty the house, put some stuff in a self-storage place around Bournemouth, and a lot, mostly furniture, will go to charities.
Sounds like it's time to consider telling her white lies, each time she hears the news it will be upsetting for her Friday, I went to see my MIL at the home. She's very miffed at being kept 'locked up', and wants to go home. Explained the usual, then she responded with, "John will want to hear this. He's around somewhere..."
Oh
I had to explain to her 3 times in 3 hours on Friday, twice in 40 minutes on Saturday.
She packs every day, thinking she's tidying up. The carers then unpack her stuff each day.
The few Christmas cards written were signed from them both.
My wife's dealing with her father's Will. As the house is in the MIL's name, only cash/pensions to resolve, which are being worked through.
House is going on the market on 2nd Jan. Agent has viewings arranged already, an open day planned, and all the particulars drawn up.
We hope it will sell quickly - as it seems to in Romsey.
We will be back sometime in the New Year to empty the house, put some stuff in a self-storage place around Bournemouth, and a lot, mostly furniture, will go to charities.
From what you've said I don't think she has the capacity to retain the information any more.
RC1807 said:
I was back in the UK for a few days over the weekend.
Friday, I went to see my MIL at the home. She's very miffed at being kept 'locked up', and wants to go home. Explained the usual, then she responded with, "John will want to hear this. He's around somewhere..."
Oh
I had to explain to her 3 times in 3 hours on Friday, twice in 40 minutes on Saturday.
She packs every day, thinking she's tidying up. The carers then unpack her stuff each day.
This is part of the re-training of your own mind (and it takes time) in how you deal with someone with this condition.Friday, I went to see my MIL at the home. She's very miffed at being kept 'locked up', and wants to go home. Explained the usual, then she responded with, "John will want to hear this. He's around somewhere..."
Oh
I had to explain to her 3 times in 3 hours on Friday, twice in 40 minutes on Saturday.
She packs every day, thinking she's tidying up. The carers then unpack her stuff each day.
You have to learn to stop getting frustrated, and the important thing is to learn to stop explaining things to them.....as if you were when they were 'normal'. They no longer have to capacity to understand and retain that logical thought process.
You have to learn to live in their world when with them, not keep bashing your head against a brick wall, trying to explain the 'real world' to them.
It doesn't do you any good or them.
It will probably be harder for you and your wife, given you won't see the MiL on a regular basis. I was able to see my Mum 3/4 times per week, so was able to adapt a lot quicker to that 'other world'.........as difficult as it is to do.
You must learn to not ask them questions or to make a decision, as that just adds to the problems.
It will be a tough journey for you both.
My Mum's sister passed away in her nursing home at the weekend from the same condition as my Mum, almost 2 years to the day after my Mum passed away........
aeropilot said:
You have to learn to live in their world when with them, not keep bashing your head against a brick wall, trying to explain the 'real world' to them.
It doesn't do you any good or them.
<nods>It doesn't do you any good or them.
What's important is that their world is happy for them. It IS the "real world" to them - no point in trying to deny them that, it does nobody any favours.
Just looking back through the thread to the summer...
TooMany2cvs said:
I don't think anybody's suggested this yet...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0091901812
Really does help you understand what their world is like.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0091901812
Really does help you understand what their world is like.
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