Palliative care - feeling helpless for mum
Discussion
I feel your pain OP.
My Dad suffered a cerebral Haemorrhage in 1975 and was never able to stand unaided after that until he passed away in 1988 while I was holding his hand.
And now Mum is 97 and in a residential care home so we know what to expect, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Just try to remember the good times.
My Dad suffered a cerebral Haemorrhage in 1975 and was never able to stand unaided after that until he passed away in 1988 while I was holding his hand.
And now Mum is 97 and in a residential care home so we know what to expect, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Just try to remember the good times.
OK, it's over, she died late this afternoon. I was never sure if a short shock is better (sudden heart attack, etc) or a long goodbye when you can talk with them.
But I can say that watching someone slowly die in a coma, over days with palliative care is the toughest thing I have ever been through.
Thank you random PH-ers. Your views and shared experiences did genuinely help.
Thank you for being a great forum (NP&E aside)
RIP mum.
But I can say that watching someone slowly die in a coma, over days with palliative care is the toughest thing I have ever been through.
Thank you random PH-ers. Your views and shared experiences did genuinely help.
Thank you for being a great forum (NP&E aside)
RIP mum.
It is truly horrible at the time. I found the hardest thing was remembering that everyone feels it differently. Don't forget that you are allowed to feel whatever you feel right now. That might be relief. That's OK. Remember to cry, laugh, anything that counts as an expression of emotion.
At some point in the future, when it's not so raw, you will look back and know that you were there for her. Just you being there will have made a difference to her. I am sure of that.
BW
At some point in the future, when it's not so raw, you will look back and know that you were there for her. Just you being there will have made a difference to her. I am sure of that.
BW
vaud said:
OK, it's over, she died late this afternoon. I was never sure if a short shock is better (sudden heart attack, etc) or a long goodbye when you can talk with them.
But I can say that watching someone slowly die in a coma, over days with palliative care is the toughest thing I have ever been through.
Thank you random PH-ers. Your views and shared experiences did genuinely help.
Thank you for being a great forum (NP&E aside)
RIP mum.
But I can say that watching someone slowly die in a coma, over days with palliative care is the toughest thing I have ever been through.
Thank you random PH-ers. Your views and shared experiences did genuinely help.
Thank you for being a great forum (NP&E aside)
RIP mum.
You were there for her in her final days/hours which believe me is better than many can manage. Sorry for your loss.
thatsprettyshady said:
You were there for her in her final days/hours which believe me is better than many can manage. Sorry for your loss.
This. A million times.Very sorry to read of your mum's passing.... such a hollowing time. I did think of you often over the past few days as I remembered my mums death some years ago.
You did the right thing, which doesn't make it easier. She was there for the start of your life - and you, for the end of hers. Says a lot about you.
Virtual (manly) hug.
All,
Just to close this out for now - thank you all for you kind words and sharing your experiences.
I travelled back up to Yorkshire today, and the big hug from my 6 year old was very special, followed by the very direct "are you sad that you mummy just died daddy?"...
My dad seems to be okay; once the funeral logistics are done I will switch to me for a while and take some time out from work (who are being very supportive)
Cheers
Vaud
Just to close this out for now - thank you all for you kind words and sharing your experiences.
I travelled back up to Yorkshire today, and the big hug from my 6 year old was very special, followed by the very direct "are you sad that you mummy just died daddy?"...
My dad seems to be okay; once the funeral logistics are done I will switch to me for a while and take some time out from work (who are being very supportive)
Cheers
Vaud
Been there recently; I would say Vaud, remember to take time for yourself. Others who are close may need you, and you aren’t going to be a lot of use, if you don’t take care of yourself. Sounds selfish, but when you look back, you’ll realise how important it is to care for yourself as well as others.
I went through a similar situation last year.
My mum was ill for a few years. A previous bout of cancer ~15 years ago came back with a vengeance.
I think the hardest part for me was watching her slowly go downhill. She was always on her feet, tidying up, washing up, outside in the garden. Slowly that all got taken away from her.
Early last year she kept having to go into hospital because of poor blood counts. This was about the same time that I started losing it and went a bit mad myself. Even getting caught driving at 75mph in a 40mph area on the way back from the hospital. I just didnt care about myself at all.
There was that super hot Thursday that got to around 35 degrees and that started the end for her. The Friday evening she went to sleep in her chair. My dad called me on the Saturday morning to tell me she hadnt woken up yet. I arrived at about 9am , shortly before the nurses came round. We helped move her into the bed in the front room and we knew the end was coming at which point she briefly came around and looked at me.. There is a mixture of drugs they give people that are EOL that keeps them a little sedated, slows mucous production and other things. I had to go to the hospital to collect the machine that doses the drugs and then the pharmacy to get the drugs themselves. By now this was around 11:30 am.
We settled down in the room with my mum waiting for the nurses to come and connect the machine. They arrived and set it up with no problems. My dad had been up all night and was struggling so I made him go to bed and I would look after her whilst he had a nap. For hte next 2 hours I listend to her breathe and occasionally wiped mucous/drool from her mouth wondering when it would happen.
About 3pm the same day I could tell that her brething was slowing and sometimes she would stop for a few seconds. I shouted my dad oer and over to wake him up bt by the time he came downstairs her eyes had rolled badk and she made that 'death noise' that people make when they go.
Being there when it happened was huge for me. Im an only child and my mum would have died for me if it came to it. I even joke that she knew it was Satrday and chose that day to go knowing it would be more conenient for us!
All of this was expected but it wasnt the worst part of the day. This moment has been building for months and its the first proper death ive experienced. The worst part is having to be there whilst yor loved ones body is just laying there, going white, skin drawing back. My mum was really weak and skinny at the end so she looked awful after just a few minutes. You have to go through the formalities of waiting for a doctor to come and 'certify' and then getting the funeral directors to come and collect them. This was the hardest part for me. Letting them take here away after having been so close for 32 years.
This was July last year and i still find it wierd when my dad comes to visit and my mum isnt here too , trying to clean my kitchen or moaning about my aunt !
Life is s
t so make the most of it whilst you are still healthy.
My mum was ill for a few years. A previous bout of cancer ~15 years ago came back with a vengeance.
I think the hardest part for me was watching her slowly go downhill. She was always on her feet, tidying up, washing up, outside in the garden. Slowly that all got taken away from her.
Early last year she kept having to go into hospital because of poor blood counts. This was about the same time that I started losing it and went a bit mad myself. Even getting caught driving at 75mph in a 40mph area on the way back from the hospital. I just didnt care about myself at all.
There was that super hot Thursday that got to around 35 degrees and that started the end for her. The Friday evening she went to sleep in her chair. My dad called me on the Saturday morning to tell me she hadnt woken up yet. I arrived at about 9am , shortly before the nurses came round. We helped move her into the bed in the front room and we knew the end was coming at which point she briefly came around and looked at me.. There is a mixture of drugs they give people that are EOL that keeps them a little sedated, slows mucous production and other things. I had to go to the hospital to collect the machine that doses the drugs and then the pharmacy to get the drugs themselves. By now this was around 11:30 am.
We settled down in the room with my mum waiting for the nurses to come and connect the machine. They arrived and set it up with no problems. My dad had been up all night and was struggling so I made him go to bed and I would look after her whilst he had a nap. For hte next 2 hours I listend to her breathe and occasionally wiped mucous/drool from her mouth wondering when it would happen.
About 3pm the same day I could tell that her brething was slowing and sometimes she would stop for a few seconds. I shouted my dad oer and over to wake him up bt by the time he came downstairs her eyes had rolled badk and she made that 'death noise' that people make when they go.
Being there when it happened was huge for me. Im an only child and my mum would have died for me if it came to it. I even joke that she knew it was Satrday and chose that day to go knowing it would be more conenient for us!
All of this was expected but it wasnt the worst part of the day. This moment has been building for months and its the first proper death ive experienced. The worst part is having to be there whilst yor loved ones body is just laying there, going white, skin drawing back. My mum was really weak and skinny at the end so she looked awful after just a few minutes. You have to go through the formalities of waiting for a doctor to come and 'certify' and then getting the funeral directors to come and collect them. This was the hardest part for me. Letting them take here away after having been so close for 32 years.
This was July last year and i still find it wierd when my dad comes to visit and my mum isnt here too , trying to clean my kitchen or moaning about my aunt !
Life is s
t so make the most of it whilst you are still healthy. All,
Thank you again for your kind words and support on this thread. The least few weeks have been very, very tough - not sleeping well, recurrent extremely disturbing nightmares.
An "interesting" journey through the storm from Yorkshire to Dorset in an MX5 at 45mph kept me very focused on Sat/Sun.
The funeral was today and I do feel a bit of closure and a bit brighter for the first time in weeks. I tried to keep it light and told some stories and funny memories that I had.
Her friends and were very warm and not only said nice things, but also told me some nice stories that I was not aware of.
Not feeling great, but a little better. An afternoon walk on a very stormy beach helped clear the head this afternoon.
Will see how the next few months treat me.
Thanks again,
Vaud
Thank you again for your kind words and support on this thread. The least few weeks have been very, very tough - not sleeping well, recurrent extremely disturbing nightmares.
An "interesting" journey through the storm from Yorkshire to Dorset in an MX5 at 45mph kept me very focused on Sat/Sun.
The funeral was today and I do feel a bit of closure and a bit brighter for the first time in weeks. I tried to keep it light and told some stories and funny memories that I had.
Her friends and were very warm and not only said nice things, but also told me some nice stories that I was not aware of.
Not feeling great, but a little better. An afternoon walk on a very stormy beach helped clear the head this afternoon.
Will see how the next few months treat me.
Thanks again,
Vaud
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