Anyone else struggling to find a purpose ?
Discussion
NorthDave said:
Sounds like you are doing brilliantly to me. Take a step back and look from the outside:
- You have a job
- You are supporting a family
- You have a partner and a small child
- on top of all that you are studying.
It might take a while but some people will succeed no matter what. Your post makes me think you are one of them. You have a plan, make sure your partner knows and signs up to it too then keep doing what you are doing. I genuinely dont think you see how well you are doing.
Also - dont compare yourself to other people in real life or social media. You see what they want you to see and you have zero idea what goes on in the background. You would be amazed how many people are in unhappy relationships or are absolutely skint (its often the people who need to show off their wealth who are the poorest and living from one day to the next).
Chin up.
Very nice reply, can't put it any better. - You have a job
- You are supporting a family
- You have a partner and a small child
- on top of all that you are studying.
It might take a while but some people will succeed no matter what. Your post makes me think you are one of them. You have a plan, make sure your partner knows and signs up to it too then keep doing what you are doing. I genuinely dont think you see how well you are doing.
Also - dont compare yourself to other people in real life or social media. You see what they want you to see and you have zero idea what goes on in the background. You would be amazed how many people are in unhappy relationships or are absolutely skint (its often the people who need to show off their wealth who are the poorest and living from one day to the next).
Chin up.
I don’t know you Danny but I do know one thing, there’s absolutely no way your partner or child would be better off without you.
My brother thought the same thing in a low moment and is no longer here to see the devastation that his absence in this world has caused, and how much he was loved and admired without necessarily ever knowing it.
From the information you’ve provided it sounds like you’re doing bloody brilliantly to me. New dad, providing for his family and working hard and studying to provide a better tomorrow. I have no kids and a decent paying job and my mind races constantly too.
The only advice I can give you is to keep going. 26 is no age, and you won’t be the last person to not have everything all figured out. At 26 I had absolutely nothing, in fact worse than nothing, I was £25k in debt with no sign of a way out and seemingly no progression path. The thought of ever owning my own place was laughable. Now at 34 I’ve worked my way up through a decent company and now we own our own home and have spare money each month.
You’re a skilled person working hard to improve those skills, that’s going to stand you in good stead and eventually you will start to reap those rewards.
My brother thought the same thing in a low moment and is no longer here to see the devastation that his absence in this world has caused, and how much he was loved and admired without necessarily ever knowing it.
From the information you’ve provided it sounds like you’re doing bloody brilliantly to me. New dad, providing for his family and working hard and studying to provide a better tomorrow. I have no kids and a decent paying job and my mind races constantly too.
The only advice I can give you is to keep going. 26 is no age, and you won’t be the last person to not have everything all figured out. At 26 I had absolutely nothing, in fact worse than nothing, I was £25k in debt with no sign of a way out and seemingly no progression path. The thought of ever owning my own place was laughable. Now at 34 I’ve worked my way up through a decent company and now we own our own home and have spare money each month.
You’re a skilled person working hard to improve those skills, that’s going to stand you in good stead and eventually you will start to reap those rewards.
Edited by OriginalFDM on Thursday 27th February 15:08
Danny4494 said:
Is anyone else struggling to find a purpose ?, I just feel lost like I don't know what I'm doing or going to do with life ?
I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
It sounds like you're in a job you hate and don't earn enough money.I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
The good news is you're 26 and (hopefully) healthy, with motivation. If you're prepared to graft you can change both the above situations.
You could do a lot worse than buy a decent self-improvement book, for example "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" or "The One Minute Millionaire". Becoming wealthy, if that's what you want, isn't as easy as that sort of book suggests, but they do make you look at things differently and blow enough sunshine up your arse to make you believe it's possible. Which is half the battle.
NorthDave said:
Sounds like you are doing brilliantly to me. Take a step back and look from the outside:
- You have a job
- You are supporting a family
- You have a partner and a small child
- on top of all that you are studying.
It might take a while but some people will succeed no matter what. Your post makes me think you are one of them. You have a plan, make sure your partner knows and signs up to it too then keep doing what you are doing. I genuinely dont think you see how well you are doing.
Also - dont compare yourself to other people in real life or social media. You see what they want you to see and you have zero idea what goes on in the background. You would be amazed how many people are in unhappy relationships or are absolutely skint (its often the people who need to show off their wealth who are the poorest and living from one day to the next).
Chin up.
+1. Sounds like you've nailed the major stuff and you're barely getting started at 26. You even have some cash spare at the end of the week which is more than a lot of people. More money isn't going to make much more of a difference from that point on.- You have a job
- You are supporting a family
- You have a partner and a small child
- on top of all that you are studying.
It might take a while but some people will succeed no matter what. Your post makes me think you are one of them. You have a plan, make sure your partner knows and signs up to it too then keep doing what you are doing. I genuinely dont think you see how well you are doing.
Also - dont compare yourself to other people in real life or social media. You see what they want you to see and you have zero idea what goes on in the background. You would be amazed how many people are in unhappy relationships or are absolutely skint (its often the people who need to show off their wealth who are the poorest and living from one day to the next).
Chin up.
Two failed startups is great - that's two businesses further along to one that could work, with some lessons in the bank. Don't forget to enjoy what you have or the years will pass before you know it and you'll have spent them worrying about things you'll realise didn't matter. Do something nice for the other half and try and enjoy the time and opportunity you have in front of you to figure things out. It'll get there.
When my first was born, I took a knock. I suppose I was scared. All of a sudden, there was someone who totally depended on me. If I'd left my Mrs, she'd have got on with her life (and got another husband no doubt), but a child was something else. It wasn't the changes in lifestyle, although the vomit down the back of my shirt was a new experience when sober, but that all of a sudden I was no longer master of my destiny. I had someone I had to consider above myself and even my wife. There was a bit of resentment.
I've discovered since that this is hardly unusual. Most of my new-father mates felt the same and I think me telling them how I felt helped them. It helped me when they said they felt the same.
After my second, I looked around for another job, one with prospects. A career. I went for it and hardly ever looked back. It sort of settled me. I ended up with four kids. I'd not have it any other way, but there's no doubt that having children that depend on you totally is a bit of a turning point for most fathers.
I saw others who had high-power jobs, big houses and flash cars, and wondered what I was doing wrong. My job allowed me to talk to such types and they were always, almost universally, moaning about their kids. Mine were no different I suppose, but we all got on. We meet up regularly, and at parties and such they form a group, with their other halves, and it gives me an emotional buzz. It convinces me that, despite the self-doubt we all (should) have, I've brought up four kids who are really great to be with and get on with one-another.
Being a parent was the best thing that happened to me after meeting my wife. One, though, was really scary.
I've discovered since that this is hardly unusual. Most of my new-father mates felt the same and I think me telling them how I felt helped them. It helped me when they said they felt the same.
After my second, I looked around for another job, one with prospects. A career. I went for it and hardly ever looked back. It sort of settled me. I ended up with four kids. I'd not have it any other way, but there's no doubt that having children that depend on you totally is a bit of a turning point for most fathers.
I saw others who had high-power jobs, big houses and flash cars, and wondered what I was doing wrong. My job allowed me to talk to such types and they were always, almost universally, moaning about their kids. Mine were no different I suppose, but we all got on. We meet up regularly, and at parties and such they form a group, with their other halves, and it gives me an emotional buzz. It convinces me that, despite the self-doubt we all (should) have, I've brought up four kids who are really great to be with and get on with one-another.
Being a parent was the best thing that happened to me after meeting my wife. One, though, was really scary.
I'd echo that. The first was a tough adjustment for me that I just wasn't expecting, that no one else is really looking out for, and we had twins after that which wasn't much help. My wife was crying out for help which is quite hard to give in the first year or so, when they don't care much for you and at times it's pretty mutual.
Our twins are nearly three and just the other day my wife asked if she could leave them with me while she popped into the rugby club to get hot dogs for the kids. I gave her a look which she ignored as usual, one saw her go and ran straight after her crying, the other one stayed to scream their head off until she came back. In between times I get some affection now, which goes a long way, and it has to.
Our twins are nearly three and just the other day my wife asked if she could leave them with me while she popped into the rugby club to get hot dogs for the kids. I gave her a look which she ignored as usual, one saw her go and ran straight after her crying, the other one stayed to scream their head off until she came back. In between times I get some affection now, which goes a long way, and it has to.
768 said:
I'd echo that. The first was a tough adjustment for me that I just wasn't expecting, that no one else is really looking out for, and we had twins after that which wasn't much help. My wife was crying out for help which is quite hard to give in the first year or so, when they don't care much for you and at times it's pretty mutual.
Our twins are nearly three and just the other day my wife asked if she could leave them with me while she popped into the rugby club to get hot dogs for the kids. I gave her a look which she ignored as usual, one saw her go and ran straight after her crying, the other one stayed to scream their head off until she came back. In between times I get some affection now, which goes a long way, and it has to.
I've no doubt that everyone else says how lovely it is to have twins, but from what I've seen, it's damned hard work and I'm not sure I can see any compensation. A friend of my wife said that one thing she hadn't realised was that she had to buy two of everything, and there were no hand-me-downs. My kids were spaced out, so to speak, but when the second came along I wondered what all the fuss was about just with one. Our twins are nearly three and just the other day my wife asked if she could leave them with me while she popped into the rugby club to get hot dogs for the kids. I gave her a look which she ignored as usual, one saw her go and ran straight after her crying, the other one stayed to scream their head off until she came back. In between times I get some affection now, which goes a long way, and it has to.
What got to me as a new father, and it possibly shows me as a bit shallow, was seeing my wife playing with my first. Both were giggling and it was an idyllic scene. The thought then struck me that if, for any reason (I always thought of them falling overboard into the sea - don't know why), they both needed rescuing and I could only get one, I had no idea which I would go for. I felt very uncomfortable, sort of letting down my wife. All of a sudden, I realised that if the choice was between me and our child, my wife wouldn't hesitate in choosing the baby.
For a time I resented it. I know, acting like a child and all that, but it did come as a shock. I got over it (25 years later when he was earning his own money probably), but it was a watershed moment. Instant adulthood.
Not been on here for a while, appreciate everyone's comments and experiences.
Thought I'd update this thread for anyone feeling the same etc.
I went to the doctors and got referred to a counciling/therapy type person only went twice with a option for a follow up and basically just talked to them about how I felt, and they spoke to me and broke things down to what makes me unhappy or happy.
Long story short I feel there was a few key points that I got help with and a stupid as this may sound to some people, I have a diary now and it's sort of a progress planner and it breaks down daily/weekly/monthly goals and personal goals, plans etc and a few other bits and bobs and it really seems to help me personally find some sort of structure and I quite enjoy sticking to my daily rituals one of them for example is "drink 2 pints of water", may seem so stupid to some but it really helps me and I'm sure it would help others too maybe not everyone but someone.
Another thing I have managed to realise I have just been bobbing about trying to "follow the money" as they say doing my plumbing course nvq2, welding, mechanic nvq3 and my electrical science and installation I'm studying at the moment, my passion lies in cars it always has, but I'm not sure yet how I could put that in to a job point of view I enjoy been a mechanic as a hobby but not a job, so I'm going to try stick to building maintenance wouldn't mind getting it to the building management maintenance side of things been doing regular building and machine maintenance for 7 years now.
Just been furloughed for 3 weeks now by my employer, due to insufficient orders so fingers crossed for when I go back but I'm actively looking, applied for RAC patrol done the online course just waiting to hear back also for a maintenance manager job at YBS.
Also found keeping active for dulling down negative thoughts, started running and getting out on the pushbike a little more and finally going to finish my Spanish course that's been ongoing for the past few years.
Just want to thank anyone everyone's advice was taken on board, and I'm feeling spot on at the moment everyone has a sh*t day and I'm no exception but from reading that first post I wrote here that's just not me at all!!
Thought I'd update this thread for anyone feeling the same etc.
I went to the doctors and got referred to a counciling/therapy type person only went twice with a option for a follow up and basically just talked to them about how I felt, and they spoke to me and broke things down to what makes me unhappy or happy.
Long story short I feel there was a few key points that I got help with and a stupid as this may sound to some people, I have a diary now and it's sort of a progress planner and it breaks down daily/weekly/monthly goals and personal goals, plans etc and a few other bits and bobs and it really seems to help me personally find some sort of structure and I quite enjoy sticking to my daily rituals one of them for example is "drink 2 pints of water", may seem so stupid to some but it really helps me and I'm sure it would help others too maybe not everyone but someone.
Another thing I have managed to realise I have just been bobbing about trying to "follow the money" as they say doing my plumbing course nvq2, welding, mechanic nvq3 and my electrical science and installation I'm studying at the moment, my passion lies in cars it always has, but I'm not sure yet how I could put that in to a job point of view I enjoy been a mechanic as a hobby but not a job, so I'm going to try stick to building maintenance wouldn't mind getting it to the building management maintenance side of things been doing regular building and machine maintenance for 7 years now.
Just been furloughed for 3 weeks now by my employer, due to insufficient orders so fingers crossed for when I go back but I'm actively looking, applied for RAC patrol done the online course just waiting to hear back also for a maintenance manager job at YBS.
Also found keeping active for dulling down negative thoughts, started running and getting out on the pushbike a little more and finally going to finish my Spanish course that's been ongoing for the past few years.
Just want to thank anyone everyone's advice was taken on board, and I'm feeling spot on at the moment everyone has a sh*t day and I'm no exception but from reading that first post I wrote here that's just not me at all!!
slipstream 1985 said:
Danny4494 said:
Is anyone else struggling to find a purpose ?, I just feel lost like I don't know what I'm doing or going to do with life ?
I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
See you're looking at what you don't have instead of what you have. I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
Happiness is ALL that matters. Money can make doing more nice things possible.
Your right at the start of working life - the world is your oyster.
Danny4494 said:
Not been on here for a while, appreciate everyone's comments and experiences.
Thought I'd update this thread for anyone feeling the same etc.
I went to the doctors and got referred to a counciling/therapy type person only went twice with a option for a follow up and basically just talked to them about how I felt, and they spoke to me and broke things down to what makes me unhappy or happy.
Long story short I feel there was a few key points that I got help with and a stupid as this may sound to some people, I have a diary now and it's sort of a progress planner and it breaks down daily/weekly/monthly goals and personal goals, plans etc and a few other bits and bobs and it really seems to help me personally find some sort of structure and I quite enjoy sticking to my daily rituals one of them for example is "drink 2 pints of water", may seem so stupid to some but it really helps me and I'm sure it would help others too maybe not everyone but someone.
Another thing I have managed to realise I have just been bobbing about trying to "follow the money" as they say doing my plumbing course nvq2, welding, mechanic nvq3 and my electrical science and installation I'm studying at the moment, my passion lies in cars it always has, but I'm not sure yet how I could put that in to a job point of view I enjoy been a mechanic as a hobby but not a job, so I'm going to try stick to building maintenance wouldn't mind getting it to the building management maintenance side of things been doing regular building and machine maintenance for 7 years now.
Just been furloughed for 3 weeks now by my employer, due to insufficient orders so fingers crossed for when I go back but I'm actively looking, applied for RAC patrol done the online course just waiting to hear back also for a maintenance manager job at YBS.
Also found keeping active for dulling down negative thoughts, started running and getting out on the pushbike a little more and finally going to finish my Spanish course that's been ongoing for the past few years.
Just want to thank anyone everyone's advice was taken on board, and I'm feeling spot on at the moment everyone has a sh*t day and I'm no exception but from reading that first post I wrote here that's just not me at all!!
Great news OP, good luck son. Thought I'd update this thread for anyone feeling the same etc.
I went to the doctors and got referred to a counciling/therapy type person only went twice with a option for a follow up and basically just talked to them about how I felt, and they spoke to me and broke things down to what makes me unhappy or happy.
Long story short I feel there was a few key points that I got help with and a stupid as this may sound to some people, I have a diary now and it's sort of a progress planner and it breaks down daily/weekly/monthly goals and personal goals, plans etc and a few other bits and bobs and it really seems to help me personally find some sort of structure and I quite enjoy sticking to my daily rituals one of them for example is "drink 2 pints of water", may seem so stupid to some but it really helps me and I'm sure it would help others too maybe not everyone but someone.
Another thing I have managed to realise I have just been bobbing about trying to "follow the money" as they say doing my plumbing course nvq2, welding, mechanic nvq3 and my electrical science and installation I'm studying at the moment, my passion lies in cars it always has, but I'm not sure yet how I could put that in to a job point of view I enjoy been a mechanic as a hobby but not a job, so I'm going to try stick to building maintenance wouldn't mind getting it to the building management maintenance side of things been doing regular building and machine maintenance for 7 years now.
Just been furloughed for 3 weeks now by my employer, due to insufficient orders so fingers crossed for when I go back but I'm actively looking, applied for RAC patrol done the online course just waiting to hear back also for a maintenance manager job at YBS.
Also found keeping active for dulling down negative thoughts, started running and getting out on the pushbike a little more and finally going to finish my Spanish course that's been ongoing for the past few years.
Just want to thank anyone everyone's advice was taken on board, and I'm feeling spot on at the moment everyone has a sh*t day and I'm no exception but from reading that first post I wrote here that's just not me at all!!
768 said:
I'd echo that. The first was a tough adjustment for me that I just wasn't expecting, that no one else is really looking out for, and we had twins after that which wasn't much help. My wife was crying out for help which is quite hard to give in the first year or so, when they don't care much for you and at times it's pretty mutual.
Our twins are nearly three and just the other day my wife asked if she could leave them with me while she popped into the rugby club to get hot dogs for the kids. I gave her a look which she ignored as usual, one saw her go and ran straight after her crying, the other one stayed to scream their head off until she came back. In between times I get some affection now, which goes a long way, and it has to.
Father of twins here too. I split from their Mum when they were young but they've lived with me since they were 11. Both got great exam results at school with one doing A Levels in 6th form and the other getting a diploma at college. Now both at Uni (or were until the lockdown came). Our twins are nearly three and just the other day my wife asked if she could leave them with me while she popped into the rugby club to get hot dogs for the kids. I gave her a look which she ignored as usual, one saw her go and ran straight after her crying, the other one stayed to scream their head off until she came back. In between times I get some affection now, which goes a long way, and it has to.
Unbelievably hard work. I'd had two children before from another relationship, my ex-partner had one daughter but nothing really prepares you for two at once. Wouldn't swap the experience for the world though.
You sound like you are striving to better your situation from multiple angles. Keep going and things will almost certainly come good.
Agree with the OP that having a job, a family, bettering yourself with study etc sounds a pretty good base to build upon.
Don’t let the current situation get you down again. We’re all in the same crappy situation together!
Best of luck sir.
Agree with the OP that having a job, a family, bettering yourself with study etc sounds a pretty good base to build upon.
Don’t let the current situation get you down again. We’re all in the same crappy situation together!
Best of luck sir.
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