How do you get through divorce?

[Shadowy_me]

GT03ROB said:

Shadowy_me said:

Dear all, at a risk of polluting this male brotherhood with my female energy (this once only) I would like to clarify this very painful for us all situation. My husband has put us through hell for 20 years with his narcissistic emotional abuse, jealousy, notorious infidelities, lies and selfishness.
Despite all this I have given him multiple chances to step up to be a better man and each time he broke my heart again. My decision to leave this unhealthy marriage is to protect myself and our two daughters from further heartbreak and manipulation. The 80% of assets that he is giving me has its roots in what he did to me that I chose not to disclose here.
I still love him and choose to support him through his difficult and long road to recovery. He is an addict and a very unwell man emotionally and is going through an intensive therapy.
The messages he posted about his loneliness and despair were absolutely true and real despite the fact that he has caused it himself. Having all of your support would’ve been probably very helpful has he been honest with you from the beginning.
Nevertheless I hope you will find in your hearts not to abandon him as he needs this brotherhood support now more than ever.
It’s very easy to judge people but I hope you all can see through the crap he did and give him some constructive support on his road to wellness (suggestions of seeing prostitutes and dating sites isn’t constructive as he did this throughout of our marriage).
On a different note treating women like objects and comparing them to cars isn’t the most respectful way to talk and one day that objectified woman might be your cherished daughter. Aspire to be better, treat women with respect as there isn’t a more sexy and attractive man than one with integrity, carrying attitude, truthful, and loving.

And please don’t ask for my photo.

If that is true...you can do far more for him than he will ever get posting on here. There are too many fantasists on here. When he is challenged put forward something with credibility & sufficient information for it to be clear its true. He would get some abuse, but also support.

Hmmm, it’s an interesting comment. I don’t do chat rooms so maybe I’m not aware of the “Fantasists”. And I didn’t want to do this chat room either but I wanted to set the record straight. You are right, I may be able to help my husband but it would be at an expense of my wellbeing and my daughters so I need to remove myself from this situation and let him learn to make better choices. He has gone to priory now for more treatment and they are more equipped to help him than I ever will be.
With regards to the proof, I have it all for my lawyers to put into the divorce proceedings to be able to speed it up. And as much as you might require some sort of proof this is my painful life and a huge embarrassment and I will not be posting it publicly and I hope my husband will also feel the same way (when he is able to log back onto the internet).
I will be available on this link for today and I’m happy to clear things up for his sake but I will not come back here from tomorrow as I respect this being your sacred male space.
I may never understand why men can make these horrible and hurtful choices just to massage their ego and break a beautiful and pure family in the process. If one of you can explain il love to understand

[V1nce Fox]

Shadowy_me said:

Hmmm, it’s an interesting comment. I don’t do chat rooms so maybe I’m not aware of the “Fantasists”. And I didn’t want to do this chat room either but I wanted to set the record straight. You are right, I may be able to help my husband but it would be at an expense of my wellbeing and my daughters so I need to remove myself from this situation and let him learn to make better choices. He has gone to priory now for more treatment and they are more equipped to help him than I ever will be.
With regards to the proof, I have it all for my lawyers to put into the divorce proceedings to be able to speed it up. And as much as you might require some sort of proof this is my painful life and a huge embarrassment and I will not be posting it publicly and I hope my husband will also feel the same way (when he is able to log back onto the internet).
I will be available on this link for today and I’m happy to clear things up for his sake but I will not come back here from tomorrow as I respect this being your sacred male space.
I may never understand why men can make these horrible and hurtful choices just to massage their ego and break a beautiful and pure family in the process. If one of you can explain il love to understand

It's not sacred or specifically male. Anyone can post here.

[Shadowy_me]

V1nce Fox said:

Shadowy_me said:

Hmmm, it’s an interesting comment. I don’t do chat rooms so maybe I’m not aware of the “Fantasists”. And I didn’t want to do this chat room either but I wanted to set the record straight. You are right, I may be able to help my husband but it would be at an expense of my wellbeing and my daughters so I need to remove myself from this situation and let him learn to make better choices. He has gone to priory now for more treatment and they are more equipped to help him than I ever will be.
With regards to the proof, I have it all for my lawyers to put into the divorce proceedings to be able to speed it up. And as much as you might require some sort of proof this is my painful life and a huge embarrassment and I will not be posting it publicly and I hope my husband will also feel the same way (when he is able to log back onto the internet).
I will be available on this link for today and I’m happy to clear things up for his sake but I will not come back here from tomorrow as I respect this being your sacred male space.
I may never understand why men can make these horrible and hurtful choices just to massage their ego and break a beautiful and pure family in the process. If one of you can explain il love to understand

It's not sacred or specifically male. Anyone can post here.

Oh cool. I didn’t know that. Thank you for telling me. I felt guilty for crashing the party 😉

[littlebasher]

Shadowy_me said:

Dear all, at a risk of polluting this male brotherhood with my female energy (this once only) I would like to clarify this very painful for us all situation. My husband has put us through hell for 20 years with his narcissistic emotional abuse, jealousy, notorious infidelities, lies and selfishness.
Despite all this I have given him multiple chances to step up to be a better man and each time he broke my heart again. My decision to leave this unhealthy marriage is to protect myself and our two daughters from further heartbreak and manipulation. The 80% of assets that he is giving me has its roots in what he did to me that I chose not to disclose here.
I still love him and choose to support him through his difficult and long road to recovery. He is an addict and a very unwell man emotionally and is going through an intensive therapy.
The messages he posted about his loneliness and despair were absolutely true and real despite the fact that he has caused it himself. Having all of your support would’ve been probably very helpful has he been honest with you from the beginning.
Nevertheless I hope you will find in your hearts not to abandon him as he needs this brotherhood support now more than ever.
It’s very easy to judge people but I hope you all can see through the crap he did and give him some constructive support on his road to wellness (suggestions of seeing prostitutes and dating sites isn’t constructive as he did this throughout of our marriage).
On a different note treating women like objects and comparing them to cars isn’t the most respectful way to talk and one day that objectified woman might be your cherished daughter. Aspire to be better, treat women with respect as there isn’t a more sexy and attractive man than one with integrity, carrying attitude, truthful, and loving.

And please don’t ask for my photo.

Very brave of you to post about this, we don't often (well, ever) hear the other side of the story

Got to be honest though, my sympathy for what you've suffered over the years would make it hard to offer him much in the way of support.

I suspect many on here will feel the same way.

Good luck for the future

[Pothole]

2 GKC said:

Ultra Sound Guy said:

When I was 41 I split up with my wife of 16 years (& 3 children).
Had a few weeks of despair and no direction then I got proof that she was seeing someone else so, within a week, I started a fun time of dating girls more than 20 years younger than me.
Got my sel-esteem back and learned to enjoy life.... Not looked back since!

You were dating teenagers?

Muppet.

[Dan_1981]

Checking in complete with popcorn.

[randlemarcus]

80% of the house, 100% of the pension I can sort of empathise with. 50% of his post tax salary for life though. Either he is trolling for extra sympathy, or that's a fairly skewed settlement. I understand his feelings of guilt, but unless he has had good legal advice, I suspect that will be fairly easy to over turn in a few years, once his head is back on straight. As an aside, I have no sympathy with his actions - all my sympathy lies with you and his children.

[GT03ROB]

Shadowy_me said:

Hmmm, it’s an interesting comment. I don’t do chat rooms so maybe I’m not aware of the “Fantasists”. And I didn’t want to do this chat room either but I wanted to set the record straight. You are right, I may be able to help my husband but it would be at an expense of my wellbeing and my daughters so I need to remove myself from this situation and let him learn to make better choices. He has gone to priory now for more treatment and they are more equipped to help him than I ever will be.
With regards to the proof, I have it all for my lawyers to put into the divorce proceedings to be able to speed it up. And as much as you might require some sort of proof this is my painful life and a huge embarrassment and I will not be posting it publicly and I hope my husband will also feel the same way (when he is able to log back onto the internet).
I will be available on this link for today and I’m happy to clear things up for his sake but I will not come back here from tomorrow as I respect this being your sacred male space.
I may never understand why men can make these horrible and hurtful choices just to massage their ego and break a beautiful and pure family in the process. If one of you can explain il love to understand

You would be surprised!

Regarding proof nobody would look for that in the strict sense so don't worry about that. Its just there are a lot of strange stories that go on. Often when people look for help they give half the story & its rapidly obvious. This makes it impossible for anybody to offer any help,

As for why some guys feel the need to do what your husband did.... well its beyond most other guys too. Sometimes it can be a form of insecurity. Some people are able to separate this type of behaviour from the rest of there life. They can swear they love their wife & maybe they do, but see the behaviour as unrelated.

No consolation. I hope you can all find peace with yourselves.

[Shadowy_me]

[quote=littlebasher]

Very brave of you to post about this, we don't often (well, ever) hear the other side of the story

Got to be honest though, my sympathy for what you've suffered over the years would make it hard to offer him much in the way of support.

I suspect many on here will feel the same way.

Good luck for the future

Thank you for noticing my resolve, I’m trying. And I’m happy I can contribute to balancing the understanding of the different sides of the story.
At the same time he is in treatment and though he was a stty husband I don’t hate him, in fact I still love him and want him to be ok. He can’t do this without help and support of others and it can’t be me. He has a disease and I’m sure there will be some of you here that would have struggled in their life with an addiction so will maybe understand. I will leave it up to you what you want to do.

[Shadowy_me]

randlemarcus said:

80% of the house, 100% of the pension I can sort of empathise with. 50% of his post tax salary for life though. Either he is trolling for extra sympathy, or that's a fairly skewed settlement. I understand his feelings of guilt, but unless he has had good legal advice, I suspect that will be fairly easy to over turn in a few years, once his head is back on straight. As an aside, I have no sympathy with his actions - all my sympathy lies with you and his children.

50% of his salary is not for life but till I remarry whenever I get over the trauma. And you are right it’s skewed but there is a reason for that which I don’t want to disclose on this forum.
I really hope that eat the end of this shocking trauma we are all going to be ok. Now my girls and I feel like our lives are a part of some spy/intrigue novel and nothing seems real.

[Shadowy_me]

GT03ROB said:

You would be surprised!

Regarding proof nobody would look for that in the strict sense so don't worry about that. Its just there are a lot of strange stories that go on. Often when people look for help they give half the story & its rapidly obvious. This makes it impossible for anybody to offer any help,

As for why some guys feel the need to do what your husband did.... well its beyond most other guys too. Sometimes it can be a form of insecurity. Some people are able to separate this type of behaviour from the rest of there life. They can swear they love their wife & maybe they do, but see the behaviour as unrelated.

No consolation. I hope you can all find peace with yourselves.

Wow you are so right. And what I told you is only half the story but I’ll keep the rest to myself.
Childhood abuse, insecurity, lack of self love and compartmentalisation lead to all this as far as I understand. To cope he went into the addiction of all sorts. And apparently coped very well as he managed to hide it all (apart from possessiveness and control/coercion) until his mum died a couple of years ago and then his dad 3 months ago.
I understand how childhood abuse could lead to all this but he had many opportunities to get better and look for help, instead he chose this. It’s heartbreaking on so many levels.

We are all in some serious therapy now but he is slipping into alcohol and self deprivation and so isn’t engaging in his too well. It breaks my girls heart to see him like this and it’s just adding to their trauma. I really hope he will accept the help he is being offered and gets better. My children still need their dad if he can ever rise to the occasion.

[Shadowy_me]

Dan_1981 said:

Checking in complete with popcorn.

Haha I can see how this could be entertaining but it’s our traumatic life. Don’t enjoy it too much

[Monkeylegend]

So often we get tales of woe on here from men who claim they have done nothing wrong in their relationships and have no understanding as to why their partners no longer wish to be with them.

It is always the woman's fault, she is having an affair, dump her, hide all your assets, move on.................... etc

Not true of course.

Your husband should consider himself to be a very lucky man to have somebody as understanding as you seem to be.

Pressing the self destruct button is painful to watch, especially when you want, but are unable to do anything prevent it.

I hope you can eventually get some form of closure on all this which suits all of you.

I somehow get the feeling though that there is a lot more pain to come so you need to prioritise the well being of yourself and your children irrespective of the outcome of your husbands ongoing treatment and rehabilitation, where ever that might lead.

Good luck.

[Psycho Warren]

well, that escalated quickly........................

Ok youre an asshole, but you know it and are finally feeling guilty about it.

I can understand why you might feel the need to pay your wife so much.

You need to do your best to move on and change into a better man. You cant change the past or undo your wrongdoings or remove that guilt, but you can learn to live with the guilt and lead the rest of your life in a better way.

[Shadowy_me]

Monkeylegend said:

So often we get tales of woe on here from men who claim they have done nothing wrong in their relationships and have no understanding as to why their partners no longer wish to be with them.

It is always the woman's fault, she is having an affair, dump her, hide all your assets, move on.................... etc

Not true of course.

Your husband should consider himself to be a very lucky man to have somebody as understanding as you seem to be.

Pressing the self destruct button is painful to watch, especially when you want, but are unable to do anything prevent it.

I hope you can eventually get some form of closure on all this which suits all of you.

I somehow get the feeling though that there is a lot more pain to come so you need to prioritise the well being of yourself and your children irrespective of the outcome of your husbands ongoing treatment and rehabilitation, where ever that might lead.

Good luck.

Thank you for your kind and wise words. My therapist keeps saying that and Im trying but it’s difficult to prioritise myself right now as he spirals out of control into oblivion if I don’t talk to him and my girls worry about him all the time.
And when I do talk to him it takes my time away from girls which isn’t ok. Our youngest one is so depressed now she won’t get up from her bed unless I get her up and into the shower. She won’t eat unless Im watching her. Our first child is very angry and packed up and left as couldn’t take the constant reminder of what her dad did by being at home.
I feel like my children are slipping away from me and life and I feel powerless to rescue them.
And then there is him. And if I could get angry and hate him it would be so much easier but I just feel so sorry for him for doing all this crap as he will have to live with this

[Shadowy_me]

Psycho Warren said:

well, that escalated quickly........................

Ok youre an asshole, but you know it and are finally feeling guilty about it.

I can understand why you might feel the need to pay your wife so much.

You need to do your best to move on and change into a better man. You cant change the past or undo your wrongdoings or remove that guilt, but you can learn to live with the guilt and lead the rest of your life in a better way.

Bless you, it’s what I’ve been saying for the last 12 weeks. I really hope my husband will read your message when he logs in here again.

[CharlesdeGaulle]

I'm not buying this. I'm not a cynical man, but this has trolling wind-up written all over it.

In case I'm wrong, I wish you all well, but otherwise I'm in for the car-crash.

[Monkeylegend]

CharlesdeGaulle said:

I'm not buying this. I'm not a cynical man, but this has trolling wind-up written all over it.

In case I'm wrong, I wish you all well, but otherwise I'm in for the car-crash.

Well if somebody else is facing a similar situation or in danger of slipping into a similar situation, maybe this thread can be helpful to them, trolling or not.

[CharlesdeGaulle]

Monkeylegend said:

CharlesdeGaulle said:

I'm not buying this. I'm not a cynical man, but this has trolling wind-up written all over it.

In case I'm wrong, I wish you all well, but otherwise I'm in for the car-crash.

Well if somebody else is facing a similar situation or in danger of slipping into a similar situation, maybe this thread can be helpful to them, trolling or not.

Sure. If someone Googles divorce and this comes up I'm sure it'll be invaluable.

[Monkeylegend]

CharlesdeGaulle said:

Monkeylegend said:

CharlesdeGaulle said:

I'm not buying this. I'm not a cynical man, but this has trolling wind-up written all over it.

In case I'm wrong, I wish you all well, but otherwise I'm in for the car-crash.

Well if somebody else is facing a similar situation or in danger of slipping into a similar situation, maybe this thread can be helpful to them, trolling or not.

Sure. If someone Googles divorce and this comes up I'm sure it'll be invaluable.

There you go then, finally we both agree on something