Mid life crisis. Has anybody had one?
Discussion
GilletteFan said:
People with kids have a certain look about them. You can always spot the couples out and about who are childless vs those who have the kids being looked after by nan/ babysitter. One case they look really happy and into each other and the other they look uncomfortable with each other and appear rushed.
When you think about it, mid-life crisis is very natural if you grind along doing something you don't really want to. I'm not saying that parents don't want to be parents - I would not date - but it is what it is. Parents have a certain look and vibe about them.
Deliberately trolling? Sad if so. When you think about it, mid-life crisis is very natural if you grind along doing something you don't really want to. I'm not saying that parents don't want to be parents - I would not date - but it is what it is. Parents have a certain look and vibe about them.
BenEK9 said:
shirt said:
agree. i'm 42 with no kids and doubt they'll ever happen [which i'm fine with]. i received a message this morning on our whatsapp group chat that one of my uni mates just had his second child. there's only 2 of us on that chat without kids and our lifestyles vis those who do are markedly different.
i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.
the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.
congrats on the new role btw!
I'm 42 with no kids and it will never happen now and its something that my wife and I are definitely not fine with. All my old friends have families. We've been trying for 15 years, the most recent hadn't tried his whole life and is recently a father now at 42.i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.
the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.
congrats on the new role btw!
Edited by shirt on Friday 24th March 07:50
It's absolutely possible to have the classic midlife crises if you don't have kids. Any idle time that doesn't require my complete focus is spent thinking about how I have wasted my life so far and what the future hold's, all I see everywhere are happy families. I've lost touch with all but a couple of my closest friends, even them it's hardly a few times a year, simply because I have so little in common now.
The worst of it? Posts and opinion's like yours, assuming its a life choice - feels like your not just navigating the world alone, but someone just switched off the lights. Brilliant.
Adopt a child and/or a dog and do something good while you're here.
coldel said:
I dont miss partying or the like, or living with mates, I suspect if you went and did it again it wouldnt quite be the same and be a bit of a downer.
I think the thing that hit me (Im now 47) is my lack of focus on what I wanted to do as a career. I fell out of uni into the first company that would give me a job and 20 odd years later still doing roughly the same thing. I've been lucky, it let me travel the world, live in different countries, meet amazing people but fundamentally its not a job I can hand on heart say I enjoy, I speak to people who are passionate about their jobs and I am so envious. Thats what I wish I had.
This is a really big one for me too. Similar situation to yourself however I did take a big jump 12 years ago into business and it worked out really well. However as of late it’s taken a tumble and I’ve really well out of love with it for a while now and need a real change to get that fire back. I think the thing that hit me (Im now 47) is my lack of focus on what I wanted to do as a career. I fell out of uni into the first company that would give me a job and 20 odd years later still doing roughly the same thing. I've been lucky, it let me travel the world, live in different countries, meet amazing people but fundamentally its not a job I can hand on heart say I enjoy, I speak to people who are passionate about their jobs and I am so envious. Thats what I wish I had.
I think this thread demonstrates that 'mid-life' means different things to different people.
I remember when I reached the age my mum was at when I was born, because it was unusual. She was 39, and that was over fifty years ago.
I also remember my (first) fiancee's mother's 40th birthday when I and my betrothed were both 19, and my own mother was 59. She was old enough to be my mother-in-law's mum.
My parents both died when I was in my forties. That makes you consider mortality. I don't have children and I never wanted them, but I can see how people might measure their lives by those of their children.
I am increasingly aware that I'm aging, and I suspect I'll be culpable for my own demise. My concern for those I'll leave behind is what drives my 'crisis'. I worry that my wife won't know who manages which investments, or what the banking passwords are, or how to load the dishwasher properly.
I remember when I reached the age my mum was at when I was born, because it was unusual. She was 39, and that was over fifty years ago.
I also remember my (first) fiancee's mother's 40th birthday when I and my betrothed were both 19, and my own mother was 59. She was old enough to be my mother-in-law's mum.
My parents both died when I was in my forties. That makes you consider mortality. I don't have children and I never wanted them, but I can see how people might measure their lives by those of their children.
I am increasingly aware that I'm aging, and I suspect I'll be culpable for my own demise. My concern for those I'll leave behind is what drives my 'crisis'. I worry that my wife won't know who manages which investments, or what the banking passwords are, or how to load the dishwasher properly.
GilletteFan said:
People with kids have a certain look about them. You can always spot the couples out and about who are childless vs those who have the kids being looked after by nan/ babysitter. One case they look really happy and into each other and the other they look uncomfortable with each other and appear rushed.
When you think about it, mid-life crisis is very natural if you grind along doing something you don't really want to. I'm not saying that parents don't want to be parents - I would not date - but it is what it is. Parents have a certain look and vibe about them.
Utter cretinous bWhen you think about it, mid-life crisis is very natural if you grind along doing something you don't really want to. I'm not saying that parents don't want to be parents - I would not date - but it is what it is. Parents have a certain look and vibe about them.
ks.Where do you draw the line between a midlife crisis and stress/depression?
I'm currently sat in the gym at 02:51 on a Monday morning not because I've suddenly decided I want to get ripped, buy a convertible and go out on the pull, but simply because I'm mega-stressed, couldn't sleep and figured better to do something healthy with it rather than tossing and turning for hours, waking up my wife and the dog!
Pretty much all the stress is work/money related. For a long time, it made sense to put all my savings into pensions, but I'm now realising that having all the money squirrelled away in there isn't so reassuring when I still can't access it for another 3 years, so if I get made redundant, I'm screwed.
This would be more bearable if I really got satisfaction out of work, but the truth of it is that I'm stuck in London suburbia, desperately clinging on until the kids no longer need us to be here, and we can bugger off somewhere much more rural and just relax! I used to think of retirement being nice, exotic holidays and the like, but now I'd be happy just pottering around in a moderately sized garden and going for country walks with the wife and dog!
I'm currently sat in the gym at 02:51 on a Monday morning not because I've suddenly decided I want to get ripped, buy a convertible and go out on the pull, but simply because I'm mega-stressed, couldn't sleep and figured better to do something healthy with it rather than tossing and turning for hours, waking up my wife and the dog!
Pretty much all the stress is work/money related. For a long time, it made sense to put all my savings into pensions, but I'm now realising that having all the money squirrelled away in there isn't so reassuring when I still can't access it for another 3 years, so if I get made redundant, I'm screwed.
This would be more bearable if I really got satisfaction out of work, but the truth of it is that I'm stuck in London suburbia, desperately clinging on until the kids no longer need us to be here, and we can bugger off somewhere much more rural and just relax! I used to think of retirement being nice, exotic holidays and the like, but now I'd be happy just pottering around in a moderately sized garden and going for country walks with the wife and dog!
BenEK9 said:
shirt said:
agree. i'm 42 with no kids and doubt they'll ever happen [which i'm fine with]. i received a message this morning on our whatsapp group chat that one of my uni mates just had his second child. there's only 2 of us on that chat without kids and our lifestyles vis those who do are markedly different.
i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.
the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.
congrats on the new role btw!
I'm 42 with no kids and it will never happen now and its something that my wife and I are definitely not fine with. All my old friends have families. We've been trying for 15 years, the most recent hadn't tried his whole life and is recently a father now at 42.i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.
the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.
congrats on the new role btw!
Edited by shirt on Friday 24th March 07:50
It's absolutely possible to have the classic midlife crises if you don't have kids. Any idle time that doesn't require my complete focus is spent thinking about how I have wasted my life so far and what the future hold's, all I see everywhere are happy families. I've lost touch with all but a couple of my closest friends, even them it's hardly a few times a year, simply because I have so little in common now.
The worst of it? Posts and opinion's like yours, assuming its a life choice - feels like your not just navigating the world alone, but someone just switched off the lights. Brilliant.
also i have assumed nothing whereas you seem to have put a layer of meaning onto my post which wasn't there, in addition to implying i am also childless by choice. slow clap
shirt said:
BenEK9 said:
shirt said:
agree. i'm 42 with no kids and doubt they'll ever happen [which i'm fine with]. i received a message this morning on our whatsapp group chat that one of my uni mates just had his second child. there's only 2 of us on that chat without kids and our lifestyles vis those who do are markedly different.
i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.
the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.
congrats on the new role btw!
I'm 42 with no kids and it will never happen now and its something that my wife and I are definitely not fine with. All my old friends have families. We've been trying for 15 years, the most recent hadn't tried his whole life and is recently a father now at 42.i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.
the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.
congrats on the new role btw!
Edited by shirt on Friday 24th March 07:50
It's absolutely possible to have the classic midlife crises if you don't have kids. Any idle time that doesn't require my complete focus is spent thinking about how I have wasted my life so far and what the future hold's, all I see everywhere are happy families. I've lost touch with all but a couple of my closest friends, even them it's hardly a few times a year, simply because I have so little in common now.
The worst of it? Posts and opinion's like yours, assuming its a life choice - feels like your not just navigating the world alone, but someone just switched off the lights. Brilliant.
also i have assumed nothing whereas you seem to have put a layer of meaning onto my post which wasn't there, in addition to implying i am also childless by choice. slow clap
From wiki
A midlife crisis is a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 40 to 60 years old.[1][2][3] The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person's growing age, inevitable mortality, and possibly lack of accomplishments in life.
I don’t read anywhere that childless people are immune.
My growing age, inevitable mortality and lack of success of creating a family are absolutely a mid life crises.
Where as most people can talk out their problems, married too young, married the wrong person etc. infertility is brushed under the carpet. You said you don’t believe childless people can have a midlife crisis. I find that incredibly insulting.
A midlife crisis is a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 40 to 60 years old.[1][2][3] The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person's growing age, inevitable mortality, and possibly lack of accomplishments in life.
I don’t read anywhere that childless people are immune.
My growing age, inevitable mortality and lack of success of creating a family are absolutely a mid life crises.
Where as most people can talk out their problems, married too young, married the wrong person etc. infertility is brushed under the carpet. You said you don’t believe childless people can have a midlife crisis. I find that incredibly insulting.
Edited by BenEK9 on Monday 27th March 17:58
I agree. I suspect that people with children become more aware of their own aging as their children grow. But people without children can count too.
Those who were unable to have kids may well carry that grief, and once they reach the age where having children would have been impossible anyway, the loss might become more acute, or at least be brought into focus again.
I never wanted kids, because I didn't want to risk my children having a dad like I did, but around ten years ago, I went through a "what if?" stage which was unfamiliar and unsettling.
Those who were unable to have kids may well carry that grief, and once they reach the age where having children would have been impossible anyway, the loss might become more acute, or at least be brought into focus again.
I never wanted kids, because I didn't want to risk my children having a dad like I did, but around ten years ago, I went through a "what if?" stage which was unfamiliar and unsettling.
My MLC made me buy a TVR. Result.
I was accused, and accused was the word, by a neighbour of going through 'the male menopause'. I was told I knew what she meant when I questioned her for evidence. I pointed out my wife hadn't bought a TVR when she started hers. She took up gardening. I also said I'd let her know if I had any hot sweats.
Laugh's on me now. I was given testosterone suppressants before prostrate treatment and radio therapy. Hot sweats multiple times a day. Thankfully, we've moved so I don't have to feel guilty when meeting her.
I was accused, and accused was the word, by a neighbour of going through 'the male menopause'. I was told I knew what she meant when I questioned her for evidence. I pointed out my wife hadn't bought a TVR when she started hers. She took up gardening. I also said I'd let her know if I had any hot sweats.
Laugh's on me now. I was given testosterone suppressants before prostrate treatment and radio therapy. Hot sweats multiple times a day. Thankfully, we've moved so I don't have to feel guilty when meeting her.
An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.
“How long did it take you to catch them?” The American asked.
“Only a little while.” The Mexican replied.
“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The American then asked.
“I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs.” The Mexican said.
“But,” The American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you could buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”
“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”
“But what then, senor?”
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions, senor? Then what?”
The American said slowly, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”
“How long did it take you to catch them?” The American asked.
“Only a little while.” The Mexican replied.
“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The American then asked.
“I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs.” The Mexican said.
“But,” The American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you could buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”
“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”
“But what then, senor?”
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions, senor? Then what?”
The American said slowly, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”
Digger said:
GilletteFan said:
People with kids have a certain look about them. You can always spot the couples out and about who are childless vs those who have the kids being looked after by nan/ babysitter. One case they look really happy and into each other and the other they look uncomfortable with each other and appear rushed.
When you think about it, mid-life crisis is very natural if you grind along doing something you don't really want to. I'm not saying that parents don't want to be parents - I would not date - but it is what it is. Parents have a certain look and vibe about them.
Utter cretinous bWhen you think about it, mid-life crisis is very natural if you grind along doing something you don't really want to. I'm not saying that parents don't want to be parents - I would not date - but it is what it is. Parents have a certain look and vibe about them.
ks.ks’ Bringing up children is hard, involves elements of doing things you don’t really want to do (well, at least stuff that you are doing for others, introducing an element of vicarious living) and in many cases introduces stress.
There also seems to be an element of shame attached to admitting that having children isn’t the fulfilling experience people hoped it would be, in no small part because biology is more powerful than most people would want to admit.
As a parent I can spot another parent a mile off, as well being able to easily identify a non - parent (or one whose offspring have fled the nest ) pretty easily. Whether that’s good or bad is up for debate, but GiletteFan certainly has a point about how easy it is to spot parents.
ETA - if you’re life was utterly depressing / boring as s
t before kids then the above might not be the case 
Edited by survivalist on Monday 27th March 21:38
There’s been plenty of threads about the joys and trials of parenthood and it always tends to bring out some pretty strong views 
.
What is for sure is that even if it comes in a different way or at a different time, a MLC can visit you whether you have kids or not.
The biggest issue I have seen with some people having a MLC is if they are in denial of it. Recognise that it’s a pretty normal thing and manage it properly and it can be fairly harmless and actually a lot of fun.
Don’t recognise what’s happening and that’s when you end up leaving your wife, damaging your kids (if you have any) and generally running round looking like a tt who doesn’t realise he isn’t 23 any more. And then three years later you wake up one day in your trendy flat (or bedsit depending on budget 
) and realise what happened 
.
.What is for sure is that even if it comes in a different way or at a different time, a MLC can visit you whether you have kids or not.
The biggest issue I have seen with some people having a MLC is if they are in denial of it. Recognise that it’s a pretty normal thing and manage it properly and it can be fairly harmless and actually a lot of fun.
Don’t recognise what’s happening and that’s when you end up leaving your wife, damaging your kids (if you have any) and generally running round looking like a t
t who doesn’t realise he isn’t 23 any more. And then three years later you wake up one day in your trendy flat (or bedsit depending on budget ) and realise what happened .I think having kids probably accentuates and heightens MLC as it reduces freedom and options to solve the situation.
I have 2 kids under 10, am early 40s and feel totally numb and that I’m sleepwalking through my life. If I didn’t have kids I could literally jack in my job and go travelling and could probably see out my days with a noddy job whilst spending my savings with care free abandon.
I wouldn’t swap my kids for anything.
I didn’t feel anything profound when I had my kids (that sounds horrible) so it does feel a chore keeping them all even though I love them.
I feel like an old pit pony waking up every day to grind through another day to give a nice life to the wife and kids. It’s first world problems and I’m sure my ancestors would have loved to be in my position.
It’s strange how the human brain does everything it can to scupper itself
I have 2 kids under 10, am early 40s and feel totally numb and that I’m sleepwalking through my life. If I didn’t have kids I could literally jack in my job and go travelling and could probably see out my days with a noddy job whilst spending my savings with care free abandon.
I wouldn’t swap my kids for anything.
I didn’t feel anything profound when I had my kids (that sounds horrible) so it does feel a chore keeping them all even though I love them.
I feel like an old pit pony waking up every day to grind through another day to give a nice life to the wife and kids. It’s first world problems and I’m sure my ancestors would have loved to be in my position.
It’s strange how the human brain does everything it can to scupper itself
Babber101 said:
I think having kids probably accentuates and heightens MLC as it reduces freedom and options to solve the situation.
I have 2 kids under 10, am early 40s and feel totally numb and that I’m sleepwalking through my life. If I didn’t have kids I could literally jack in my job and go travelling and could probably see out my days with a noddy job whilst spending my savings with care free abandon.
I wouldn’t swap my kids for anything.
I didn’t feel anything profound when I had my kids (that sounds horrible) so it does feel a chore keeping them all even though I love them.
I feel like an old pit pony waking up every day to grind through another day to give a nice life to the wife and kids. It’s first world problems and I’m sure my ancestors would have loved to be in my position.
It’s strange how the human brain does everything it can to scupper itself
Thanks for your honesty.I have 2 kids under 10, am early 40s and feel totally numb and that I’m sleepwalking through my life. If I didn’t have kids I could literally jack in my job and go travelling and could probably see out my days with a noddy job whilst spending my savings with care free abandon.
I wouldn’t swap my kids for anything.
I didn’t feel anything profound when I had my kids (that sounds horrible) so it does feel a chore keeping them all even though I love them.
I feel like an old pit pony waking up every day to grind through another day to give a nice life to the wife and kids. It’s first world problems and I’m sure my ancestors would have loved to be in my position.
It’s strange how the human brain does everything it can to scupper itself
One of my friends has let themselves go since having kids. They dress like a slob, has unkept buzz cut, doesn't shave and doesn't bathe much - they are incredibly frugal. They are usually covered in bits of food each time I see them...also has lost a lot hair and no longer has time to do any hobbies apart from kids stuff. I wonder how much longer they can take this and how they will end up by the end of the year. The rate of change is astounding.
Edited by GilletteFan on Monday 3rd April 21:39
GilletteFan said:
Thanks for your honesty.
One of my friends has let themselves go since having kids. They dress like a slob, has unkept buzz cut, doesn't shave and doesn't bathe much - they are incredibly frugal. They are usually covered in bits of food each time I see them...also has lost a lot hair and no longer has time to do any hobbies apart from kids stuff. I wonder how much longer they can take this and how they will end up by the end of the year. The rate of change is astounding.
Can you talk to them - sounds like a clear case of a deep depression. If so, it will be almost impossible for him to pull himself out of it without help?One of my friends has let themselves go since having kids. They dress like a slob, has unkept buzz cut, doesn't shave and doesn't bathe much - they are incredibly frugal. They are usually covered in bits of food each time I see them...also has lost a lot hair and no longer has time to do any hobbies apart from kids stuff. I wonder how much longer they can take this and how they will end up by the end of the year. The rate of change is astounding.
Edited by GilletteFan on Monday 3rd April 21:39
Edited by youngsyr on Monday 3rd April 23:18
Babber101 said:
I think having kids probably accentuates and heightens MLC as it reduces freedom and options to solve the situation.
I have 2 kids under 10, am early 40s and feel totally numb and that I’m sleepwalking through my life. If I didn’t have kids I could literally jack in my job and go travelling and could probably see out my days with a noddy job whilst spending my savings with care free abandon.
I wouldn’t swap my kids for anything.
I didn’t feel anything profound when I had my kids (that sounds horrible) so it does feel a chore keeping them all even though I love them.
I feel like an old pit pony waking up every day to grind through another day to give a nice life to the wife and kids. It’s first world problems and I’m sure my ancestors would have loved to be in my position.
It’s strange how the human brain does everything it can to scupper itself
You're far from alone. It helps me to try to keep in mind that this is only one phase of life. Things will naturally change in time, even if it's just the kids growing up and leaving home.I have 2 kids under 10, am early 40s and feel totally numb and that I’m sleepwalking through my life. If I didn’t have kids I could literally jack in my job and go travelling and could probably see out my days with a noddy job whilst spending my savings with care free abandon.
I wouldn’t swap my kids for anything.
I didn’t feel anything profound when I had my kids (that sounds horrible) so it does feel a chore keeping them all even though I love them.
I feel like an old pit pony waking up every day to grind through another day to give a nice life to the wife and kids. It’s first world problems and I’m sure my ancestors would have loved to be in my position.
It’s strange how the human brain does everything it can to scupper itself
This isn't how the rest of your life will be.
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