Mid life crisis. Has anybody had one?
Discussion
Hi folks I guess I can chime in somewhat albeit I don't have a mid life crisis so to speak. Much of what I see in here does resonate though. I won't go into details of my situation.
I'd say its crucial though to look at your life and what makes you happy and how to get the right balance of that. Success according to society and our conditioning isn't the same as what ticks the internal boxes. So called privilege some folks do or don't have doesn't necessarily change what someone feels or struggles with and you gotta try and be honest with yourself and others. Authenticity.
I think some folks on here articulated it really well, not happy and making some changes. The pandemic should have made people think about this kind of stuff. I think that so many of us lose track of what makes us happy we don't even know it any more and are just used to overriding and not feeling. I look at the dog and the way he behves you definitely know as soon as he us happy or unhappy there is no filter, it amazes me.
Still, I've given it all a lot of thought for myself and I think we just lose track!
I'd say its crucial though to look at your life and what makes you happy and how to get the right balance of that. Success according to society and our conditioning isn't the same as what ticks the internal boxes. So called privilege some folks do or don't have doesn't necessarily change what someone feels or struggles with and you gotta try and be honest with yourself and others. Authenticity.
I think some folks on here articulated it really well, not happy and making some changes. The pandemic should have made people think about this kind of stuff. I think that so many of us lose track of what makes us happy we don't even know it any more and are just used to overriding and not feeling. I look at the dog and the way he behves you definitely know as soon as he us happy or unhappy there is no filter, it amazes me.
Still, I've given it all a lot of thought for myself and I think we just lose track!
White-Noise said:
Hi folks I guess I can chime in somewhat albeit I don't have a mid life crisis so to speak. Much of what I see in here does resonate though. I won't go into details of my situation.
I'd say its crucial though to look at your life and what makes you happy and how to get the right balance of that. Success according to society and our conditioning isn't the same as what ticks the internal boxes. So called privilege some folks do or don't have doesn't necessarily change what someone feels or struggles with and you gotta try and be honest with yourself and others. Authenticity.
I think some folks on here articulated it really well, not happy and making some changes. The pandemic should have made people think about this kind of stuff. I think that so many of us lose track of what makes us happy we don't even know it any more and are just used to overriding and not feeling. I look at the dog and the way he behves you definitely know as soon as he us happy or unhappy there is no filter, it amazes me.
Still, I've given it all a lot of thought for myself and I think we just lose track!
I think that’s spot on and really sensible. My mind has definitely moved from success = money to success = happiness but the difficulty for a middle aged lobotomised sad case like myself is I'd say its crucial though to look at your life and what makes you happy and how to get the right balance of that. Success according to society and our conditioning isn't the same as what ticks the internal boxes. So called privilege some folks do or don't have doesn't necessarily change what someone feels or struggles with and you gotta try and be honest with yourself and others. Authenticity.
I think some folks on here articulated it really well, not happy and making some changes. The pandemic should have made people think about this kind of stuff. I think that so many of us lose track of what makes us happy we don't even know it any more and are just used to overriding and not feeling. I look at the dog and the way he behves you definitely know as soon as he us happy or unhappy there is no filter, it amazes me.
Still, I've given it all a lot of thought for myself and I think we just lose track!
A) I don’t know what makes me happy (it’s been so long, I don’t think I would recognise it)
B) I am tied by the mortgage and providing a nice life for kids/wife’s
I’m passed the sadness/depression phase, I accept it but I think I’m just curious to see if there is actually a viable solution for people
Those old Reginald Perrin TV shows have never resonated with me so much as the last couple of years. Used to think they were sh*#e but they’re really funny at showing a mans slow descent into mid life crises madness
Babber101 said:
I’m passed the sadness/depression phase, I accept it but I think I’m just curious to see if there is actually a viable solution for people
The bizarre side effect is that my relationship with my kids improved massively because I became a happier and more inspirational parent figure.
The less said about the relationship with my wife the better
On the kid thing, I think it varies massively depending on the person. Just like some people are introverts, some are extraverts. Some benefit from having structure of family and others feel suffocated by it.
I had kids very late and had a series of classic midlife crisis style catastrophes, too much time, too much freedom.
Having kids is like turning on hard mode, but it's exactly what I needed. I think I would probably be dead or at least damaged from overindulgence otherwise.
I had kids very late and had a series of classic midlife crisis style catastrophes, too much time, too much freedom.
Having kids is like turning on hard mode, but it's exactly what I needed. I think I would probably be dead or at least damaged from overindulgence otherwise.
Babber101 said:
White-Noise said:
Hi folks I guess I can chime in somewhat albeit I don't have a mid life crisis so to speak. Much of what I see in here does resonate though. I won't go into details of my situation.
I'd say its crucial though to look at your life and what makes you happy and how to get the right balance of that. Success according to society and our conditioning isn't the same as what ticks the internal boxes. So called privilege some folks do or don't have doesn't necessarily change what someone feels or struggles with and you gotta try and be honest with yourself and others. Authenticity.
I think some folks on here articulated it really well, not happy and making some changes. The pandemic should have made people think about this kind of stuff. I think that so many of us lose track of what makes us happy we don't even know it any more and are just used to overriding and not feeling. I look at the dog and the way he behves you definitely know as soon as he us happy or unhappy there is no filter, it amazes me.
Still, I've given it all a lot of thought for myself and I think we just lose track!
I think that’s spot on and really sensible. My mind has definitely moved from success = money to success = happiness but the difficulty for a middle aged lobotomised sad case like myself is I'd say its crucial though to look at your life and what makes you happy and how to get the right balance of that. Success according to society and our conditioning isn't the same as what ticks the internal boxes. So called privilege some folks do or don't have doesn't necessarily change what someone feels or struggles with and you gotta try and be honest with yourself and others. Authenticity.
I think some folks on here articulated it really well, not happy and making some changes. The pandemic should have made people think about this kind of stuff. I think that so many of us lose track of what makes us happy we don't even know it any more and are just used to overriding and not feeling. I look at the dog and the way he behves you definitely know as soon as he us happy or unhappy there is no filter, it amazes me.
Still, I've given it all a lot of thought for myself and I think we just lose track!
A) I don’t know what makes me happy (it’s been so long, I don’t think I would recognise it)
B) I am tied by the mortgage and providing a nice life for kids/wife’s
I’m passed the sadness/depression phase, I accept it but I think I’m just curious to see if there is actually a viable solution for people
Those old Reginald Perrin TV shows have never resonated with me so much as the last couple of years. Used to think they were sh*#e but they’re really funny at showing a mans slow descent into mid life crises madness
Heaveho said:
I really don't know how to categorise how I feel. I haven't been "right" for about 6 years. No coincidence that it's since the year I moved from one end of the country, which I'd been at for 18 years and loved, back to my home town, which is a beloved stag night target for the rest of the country, but isn't where I want to be. I only moved away in the first place, because my other half was living there and wouldn't move north. It worked in my favour, I got used to it and made a great life there. But then she came to love the north, and I agreed to come back.
I feel like I agreed to do something that has with hindsight become, on a personal level, the worst decision I've ever made in life, and is now the source of difficulty at home, because I'll take every opportunity to accept work back there, just to keep the connection. I used most of the money I inherited to finance the move north, and although I have no kids or mortgage, I have no realistic way back into property in the south where I was based.
I should be grateful for what I have, but it's no exaggeration to say I miss my past life more than I ever thought possible, and knowing it's gone for good just compounds it. I think the feelings of loss have helped me become physically unwell this year. I lost 2 stone in 3 months at the start of the year, which is when my last connection property wise to the south went on the market. I've been undergoing tests for various illnesses all year now. It's the only year in my life in which the question of suicide has been a conscious thought. I won't though, I just can't come to terms with being the cause of that much damage to others.
There are other things going on, and I've realised that, however many friends I think I have, I'm not capable of starting a completely open discussion with any of them, so a lot of what I feel remains unspoken. I'm having the worst period of my adult life currently, mid 50s, maybe it falls under the heading of a late mid-life, and will hopefully pass.
I wrote the above in November. The game's moved on, not in ways I would have hoped. I tried to talk to someone I know about what's been going on with me. Not his fault, but it made me feel worse and I wish I hadn't said anything now. I had an endoscopy test in Feb because of constant nausea and sickness which diagnosed me with two ulcers and some other stuff. I thought that being diagnosed and treated would help, but I'm worse now, and am struggling to work.I feel like I agreed to do something that has with hindsight become, on a personal level, the worst decision I've ever made in life, and is now the source of difficulty at home, because I'll take every opportunity to accept work back there, just to keep the connection. I used most of the money I inherited to finance the move north, and although I have no kids or mortgage, I have no realistic way back into property in the south where I was based.
I should be grateful for what I have, but it's no exaggeration to say I miss my past life more than I ever thought possible, and knowing it's gone for good just compounds it. I think the feelings of loss have helped me become physically unwell this year. I lost 2 stone in 3 months at the start of the year, which is when my last connection property wise to the south went on the market. I've been undergoing tests for various illnesses all year now. It's the only year in my life in which the question of suicide has been a conscious thought. I won't though, I just can't come to terms with being the cause of that much damage to others.
There are other things going on, and I've realised that, however many friends I think I have, I'm not capable of starting a completely open discussion with any of them, so a lot of what I feel remains unspoken. I'm having the worst period of my adult life currently, mid 50s, maybe it falls under the heading of a late mid-life, and will hopefully pass.
A week after my treatment my oldest friend had a heart attack, and I spent the last 30 hours of his life in hospital with him and his family after the machines were turned off.
There are now possible complications with my feelings of being unwell, meaning another endoscopy in 2 weeks time. The consultant is a great guy, and has suggested referring me to someone else afterwards as he believes, not surprisingly, that I have depression. I'm really starting to wonder why I get up in the mornings. I'm having to force myself to do anything productive, the routines I had before are impossible to follow now, and I feel guilty because I'm not pulling my weight at home.
In theory, nothing lasts forever, and when I am able to do stuff, it's helped, but even things I've always enjoyed in the past are of little interest now. I can see from this thread that feeling like crap is a fairly common phenomenon, but experiencing is believing. I can't wait for it to get better and go back to normal, whatever that's meant to be.
Anyone else going through stuff like this, good luck, genuinely. No one should feel like this.
okgo said:
I think men more acutely suffer in this. I think on average men have hobbies more often than women do. So there’s often little ‘payback’ for going out on a Long bike ride or something.
My friend gets the cold shoulder treatment - only about a a month - if he does his own thing and misses anything kids related. The wife is a stay at home mother. I can't really help him. He's gone and is a simple cash dispensing machine that is focused on making sure his family are taken care of. I just wish he looked after himself more. He is very unhygienic now.
jm8403 said:
+1, I don't think anything would make me happy. I am numb / annoyed almost all of the time unfortunately. I don't want to take depression drugs so the only option is good food/exercise.
You do you! Treating yourself to good foods and the therapeutic effects of physical exertion shows you have the right frame of mind to continue to do what you need to do in your situation. Edited by GilletteFan on Wednesday 5th April 01:19
Edited by GilletteFan on Wednesday 5th April 01:19
alock said:
My happiness sky rocketed when I started being a little more selfish. I spent a few hours a week just doing stuff for me. It happened to be cycling, but it could be anything. I needed something that was "mine" rather than "ours".
The bizarre side effect is that my relationship with my kids improved massively because I became a happier and more inspirational parent figure.
The less said about the relationship with my wife the better
I think cycling is one of the best things for mental health. I have always cycled, but since covid and getting an ebike it’s purpose has been like a happiness reset. One hour long ride most days with music just helps forget any problems and come back with a clear mind.The bizarre side effect is that my relationship with my kids improved massively because I became a happier and more inspirational parent figure.
The less said about the relationship with my wife the better
I started motorcycling also and that is even better, no one wanted me to and tried to desuade me, but I decided during lockdowns to pursue my dreams a little more and the been slightly more selfish has really paid off.
Heaveho said:
Heaveho said:
I really don't know how to categorise how I feel. I haven't been "right" for about 6 years. No coincidence that it's since the year I moved from one end of the country, which I'd been at for 18 years and loved, back to my home town, which is a beloved stag night target for the rest of the country, but isn't where I want to be. I only moved away in the first place, because my other half was living there and wouldn't move north. It worked in my favour, I got used to it and made a great life there. But then she came to love the north, and I agreed to come back.
I feel like I agreed to do something that has with hindsight become, on a personal level, the worst decision I've ever made in life, and is now the source of difficulty at home, because I'll take every opportunity to accept work back there, just to keep the connection. I used most of the money I inherited to finance the move north, and although I have no kids or mortgage, I have no realistic way back into property in the south where I was based.
I should be grateful for what I have, but it's no exaggeration to say I miss my past life more than I ever thought possible, and knowing it's gone for good just compounds it. I think the feelings of loss have helped me become physically unwell this year. I lost 2 stone in 3 months at the start of the year, which is when my last connection property wise to the south went on the market. I've been undergoing tests for various illnesses all year now. It's the only year in my life in which the question of suicide has been a conscious thought. I won't though, I just can't come to terms with being the cause of that much damage to others.
There are other things going on, and I've realised that, however many friends I think I have, I'm not capable of starting a completely open discussion with any of them, so a lot of what I feel remains unspoken. I'm having the worst period of my adult life currently, mid 50s, maybe it falls under the heading of a late mid-life, and will hopefully pass.
I wrote the above in November. The game's moved on, not in ways I would have hoped. I tried to talk to someone I know about what's been going on with me. Not his fault, but it made me feel worse and I wish I hadn't said anything now. I had an endoscopy test in Feb because of constant nausea and sickness which diagnosed me with two ulcers and some other stuff. I thought that being diagnosed and treated would help, but I'm worse now, and am struggling to work.I feel like I agreed to do something that has with hindsight become, on a personal level, the worst decision I've ever made in life, and is now the source of difficulty at home, because I'll take every opportunity to accept work back there, just to keep the connection. I used most of the money I inherited to finance the move north, and although I have no kids or mortgage, I have no realistic way back into property in the south where I was based.
I should be grateful for what I have, but it's no exaggeration to say I miss my past life more than I ever thought possible, and knowing it's gone for good just compounds it. I think the feelings of loss have helped me become physically unwell this year. I lost 2 stone in 3 months at the start of the year, which is when my last connection property wise to the south went on the market. I've been undergoing tests for various illnesses all year now. It's the only year in my life in which the question of suicide has been a conscious thought. I won't though, I just can't come to terms with being the cause of that much damage to others.
There are other things going on, and I've realised that, however many friends I think I have, I'm not capable of starting a completely open discussion with any of them, so a lot of what I feel remains unspoken. I'm having the worst period of my adult life currently, mid 50s, maybe it falls under the heading of a late mid-life, and will hopefully pass.
A week after my treatment my oldest friend had a heart attack, and I spent the last 30 hours of his life in hospital with him and his family after the machines were turned off.
There are now possible complications with my feelings of being unwell, meaning another endoscopy in 2 weeks time. The consultant is a great guy, and has suggested referring me to someone else afterwards as he believes, not surprisingly, that I have depression. I'm really starting to wonder why I get up in the mornings. I'm having to force myself to do anything productive, the routines I had before are impossible to follow now, and I feel guilty because I'm not pulling my weight at home.
In theory, nothing lasts forever, and when I am able to do stuff, it's helped, but even things I've always enjoyed in the past are of little interest now. I can see from this thread that feeling like crap is a fairly common phenomenon, but experiencing is believing. I can't wait for it to get better and go back to normal, whatever that's meant to be.
Anyone else going through stuff like this, good luck, genuinely. No one should feel like this.
Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Perhaps they can be the one you open up to and get some of this off your chest?
youngsyr said:
Jesus, that's a hell of a lot to have to go through, no wonder you're feeling as you are. You're also not alone in feeling you don't have anyone to really open up to about it, or when you do it makes things worse.
Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Perhaps they can be the one you open up to and get some of this off your chest?
Hi, I'm being referred to a counsellor by the gastro consultant who's doing the endoscopy. He's written to my GP and sent me a copy of the letter in which he quite openly refers to what he describes as my negative state of mind, which I wasn't aware was coming across as being so obvious.Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Perhaps they can be the one you open up to and get some of this off your chest?
I tried counselling last year and came away with nothing other than a feeling of total narcissism, however I'm open to the idea that perhaps a different counsellor might be a completely different experience.
I get the impression you may have had some some similar experiences, hope you're through it now if so.
Heaveho said:
youngsyr said:
Jesus, that's a hell of a lot to have to go through, no wonder you're feeling as you are. You're also not alone in feeling you don't have anyone to really open up to about it, or when you do it makes things worse.
Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Perhaps they can be the one you open up to and get some of this off your chest?
Hi, I'm being referred to a counsellor by the gastro consultant who's doing the endoscopy. He's written to my GP and sent me a copy of the letter in which he quite openly refers to what he describes as my negative state of mind, which I wasn't aware was coming across as being so obvious.Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Perhaps they can be the one you open up to and get some of this off your chest?
I tried counselling last year and came away with nothing other than a feeling of total narcissism, however I'm open to the idea that perhaps a different counsellor might be a completely different experience.
I get the impression you may have had some some similar experiences, hope you're through it now if so.
I think Stephen Fry is similar, he isn't short of funds to get help and has definitely tried to, but still attempted suicide just a few years ago, so there's not always a "fix", but you can improve how you feel.
In my experience and from what I've read of others going through the same problems, speaking regularly to a counsellor can be very beneficial and can help you gain perspective on your "negative state of mind" as well as suggesting ways of managing it. It's no quick fix though and it probably won't work on its own or unless you fully commit to it (be brutally honest with them).
I wouldn't worry about being narcisstic with them either - I think of it as a clinical setting, you wouldn't think twice about going to A&E with a broken arm and "making it all about you", so why would you worry about doing that with your mental health? That is what you're there for - to fix what's going on in your head and your body. You can't do that without spending a lot of time talking about yourself!
At the same time - I'd bring it up with the counsellor and see what they say. That's what helps you make progress - don't filter your thoughts, tell them exactly what you're thinking.
youngsyr said:
Yep, I deal with similar issues to you. Unfortunately for me at least, I'm not sure you ever really get through it completely, you just learn to live with it as best as possible. I follow Alistair Campbell's experiences, he's been dealing with depression for at least 25 years and has access to the top psychiatrists. He says they've helped him significantly, but he still has days when he struggles to get out of bed.
I think Stephen Fry is similar, he isn't short of funds to get help and has definitely tried to, but still attempted suicide just a few years ago, so there's not always a "fix", but you can improve how you feel.
In my experience and from what I've read of others going through the same problems, speaking regularly to a counsellor can be very beneficial and can help you gain perspective on your "negative state of mind" as well as suggesting ways of managing it. It's no quick fix though and it probably won't work on its own or unless you fully commit to it (be brutally honest with them).
I wouldn't worry about being narcisstic with them either - I think of it as a clinical setting, you wouldn't think twice about going to A&E with a broken arm and "making it all about you", so why would you worry about doing that with your mental health? That is what you're there for - to fix what's going on in your head and your body. You can't do that without spending a lot of time talking about yourself!
At the same time - I'd bring it up with the counsellor and see what they say. That's what helps you make progress - don't filter your thoughts, tell them exactly what you're thinking.
Thanks for all of that, and sorry you've had your own demons. There's some good advice there, lots to think about and I'll try and take something from it. All the best.I think Stephen Fry is similar, he isn't short of funds to get help and has definitely tried to, but still attempted suicide just a few years ago, so there's not always a "fix", but you can improve how you feel.
In my experience and from what I've read of others going through the same problems, speaking regularly to a counsellor can be very beneficial and can help you gain perspective on your "negative state of mind" as well as suggesting ways of managing it. It's no quick fix though and it probably won't work on its own or unless you fully commit to it (be brutally honest with them).
I wouldn't worry about being narcisstic with them either - I think of it as a clinical setting, you wouldn't think twice about going to A&E with a broken arm and "making it all about you", so why would you worry about doing that with your mental health? That is what you're there for - to fix what's going on in your head and your body. You can't do that without spending a lot of time talking about yourself!
At the same time - I'd bring it up with the counsellor and see what they say. That's what helps you make progress - don't filter your thoughts, tell them exactly what you're thinking.
Evoluzione said:
BenEK9 said:
shirt said:
agree. i'm 42 with no kids and doubt they'll ever happen [which i'm fine with]. i received a message this morning on our whatsapp group chat that one of my uni mates just had his second child. there's only 2 of us on that chat without kids and our lifestyles vis those who do are markedly different.
i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.
the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.
congrats on the new role btw!
I'm 42 with no kids and it will never happen now and its something that my wife and I are definitely not fine with. All my old friends have families. We've been trying for 15 years, the most recent hadn't tried his whole life and is recently a father now at 42.i don't think its possible to have the classic midlife crisis if you don't have kids. you've been able to do whatever you want when you want and make stupid purchases / big life decisions with little consequence.
the existential type crisis is normal and, with perspective, a good way of questioning whether life is going as you envisaged and prompting change as a result.
congrats on the new role btw!
Edited by shirt on Friday 24th March 07:50
It's absolutely possible to have the classic midlife crises if you don't have kids. Any idle time that doesn't require my complete focus is spent thinking about how I have wasted my life so far and what the future hold's, all I see everywhere are happy families. I've lost touch with all but a couple of my closest friends, even them it's hardly a few times a year, simply because I have so little in common now.
The worst of it? Posts and opinion's like yours, assuming its a life choice - feels like your not just navigating the world alone, but someone just switched off the lights. Brilliant.
Adopt a child and/or a dog and do something good while you're here.
You don't gate-keep the mid-life crisis or what it is or is not. I don't feel entitled absolutely at all, why would you tell someone who can't have children you are not entitled to it anyway? Would you say to a cancer patient they are not entitled to good health?
I've thought it about it for a while but I still cannot fathom the point of your reply to me other than to simply cause offence. Now rather than being open to discussion I will be sure not to darken the health matters forum again. Thanks for recommending a dog and doing something good. However would I have come up with those ideals alone?
Edited by BenEK9 on Sunday 9th April 21:31
Doofus said:
But people without children can count too.
Absolutely. Also it is not always the case that not having had children meant a life full of care free selfish living life on a whim and an endless budget.
This is the first place I have heard the argument that parenthood is the main ingredient in a mid-life crisis. It's also the first place I have been told that I am not entitled to children, to get a dog or adopt a child and my grammar is lacking all in one paragraph. Admittedly I don't talk to many people about my childlessness, maybe that's the general consensus and probably why I don't (and won't) again.
I'd say I get the occasional tip into what feels like an MLC, the feelings of helplessness and pointlessness really for lack of a better description?
I turn 43 in just over 6 weeks, been separated and then divorced and on my own for the last 4 1/2 years. Another childless PHer here. On paper I'm not struggling at all, very well paid job, 4-bed house, 3 cars to enjoy and tinker with as my heart sees fit. But I have no goals or dreams anymore, nothing to currently look forward to apart from my next time at home and it really does feel like I'm just going through the motions of whatever this life is.
Not looking to buy an MX-5 this week (although I have driven an 124 Spyder, that was fun) but I understand what others are feeling. My way of dealing with it? It'll be my usual stoic way, bury it away with everything else and hope it doesn't resurface.
I turn 43 in just over 6 weeks, been separated and then divorced and on my own for the last 4 1/2 years. Another childless PHer here. On paper I'm not struggling at all, very well paid job, 4-bed house, 3 cars to enjoy and tinker with as my heart sees fit. But I have no goals or dreams anymore, nothing to currently look forward to apart from my next time at home and it really does feel like I'm just going through the motions of whatever this life is.
Not looking to buy an MX-5 this week (although I have driven an 124 Spyder, that was fun) but I understand what others are feeling. My way of dealing with it? It'll be my usual stoic way, bury it away with everything else and hope it doesn't resurface.
Did I have a MLC? Hell yes! :-)
at 39, earnt well in London, got bored of it all, sold up, got married, went travelling round the world for 2 years, then lived abroad for 2.
Came back, got divorced, bough a Porsche 911 :-)
Dad died a few years later, worked hard all his life, and I realised work isn't everything. Rented a house and survived off my house sale from ages back. Decided even if I end up on the dole, do what you enjoy - you aint got long.
Lost my step father too, then my older Brother - it really puts into perspective work/play balance.
Since then accidentally started what is now a very succesful business where I work a few hours a day and spend the winters in Thailand. I've got a modest chunk saved, and will retire in 2-3 years max abroad. Currently 54. I'll prob run out of money in my 70's, and I've no pension, but, I just don't care :-) The future is unknown, the present is.
at 39, earnt well in London, got bored of it all, sold up, got married, went travelling round the world for 2 years, then lived abroad for 2.
Came back, got divorced, bough a Porsche 911 :-)
Dad died a few years later, worked hard all his life, and I realised work isn't everything. Rented a house and survived off my house sale from ages back. Decided even if I end up on the dole, do what you enjoy - you aint got long.
Lost my step father too, then my older Brother - it really puts into perspective work/play balance.
Since then accidentally started what is now a very succesful business where I work a few hours a day and spend the winters in Thailand. I've got a modest chunk saved, and will retire in 2-3 years max abroad. Currently 54. I'll prob run out of money in my 70's, and I've no pension, but, I just don't care :-) The future is unknown, the present is.
First thought I had when reading everything that has been posted so far is that nothing ever gets better without talking. Read any book, listen to any podcast about mental health struggles (wherever you are on that spectrum) and it will say that you have to articulate what is going on to be able to find a way through it. Opening up is difficult and if just one person finds something useful from all this then that's amazing - kudos to the OP too for starting this and to everyone else for speaking up.
I don't know whether I've had a MLC as such but I've been depressed (clinically) and suicidal which led to many questions about why I do everything and anything. The drugs helped as did the therapy, but it took me a long time to find out what might be going on. For me it was coming across this that was my 'aha!' moment: https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-neglect-questio...
I turn 50 next year and I did everything I was told I should do growing up. I worked hard at school and Uni. I went into a 'good' job and earnt well. I found someone I thought I loved, bought a house and tried to settle down including trying for kids. In the background though things weren't working. I went through jobs pretty quickly and split up from my first partner (thankfully before any kids arrived) because we were clearly not compatible.
I did find someone amazing and we now have two kids, but the restlessness was still there. Reading about CEN (see the link) made me realise that I was doing everything for everyone else and leaving nothing for me - running on empty. If you do nothing just for you then over time it can build up and make you feel as though you need to detonate everything just to feel something.
I'm great company because I am always interested in other people. What I didn't ever do is talk about myself or what I was feeling. My parents are lovely people and I know they love me, but my Dad is in a world of his own. My mum is the same - she recently said to me that she hadn't realised I was "that into cars". Being into cars has been a constant in my life since I was pushing Matchbox cars across the floor as a child (being on here also gives the game away somewhat).
Some of the posters on this thread have spoken about needing to be selfish to get better. It is definitely that but maybe in a way that is kinder to yourself. We all need to find a way to recharge and to be ourselves (not just a worker, a partner or a parent). Without that you can forget who you are and not be there for the people who need us most.
For me that has meant doing stuff just for me (and encouraging my wife to do the same). As well as doing the usual parent and husband activities, I now go out to the pub and to concerts with friends or with my brother. I recently went on a boys trip to Le Mans for the first time. I still feel guilty sometimes for doing these things, but less than I did. I'm also more open about how I am feeling - small steps for now - which really helps.
This thread is about having a MLC, but there are so many crossovers with mental health that I am not sure you can talk about one without the other. If you are struggling then please know that you are not alone. But talk to someone - your partner, a friend or even your GP - as without that it's going to be really difficult for things to get better...
I don't know whether I've had a MLC as such but I've been depressed (clinically) and suicidal which led to many questions about why I do everything and anything. The drugs helped as did the therapy, but it took me a long time to find out what might be going on. For me it was coming across this that was my 'aha!' moment: https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-neglect-questio...
I turn 50 next year and I did everything I was told I should do growing up. I worked hard at school and Uni. I went into a 'good' job and earnt well. I found someone I thought I loved, bought a house and tried to settle down including trying for kids. In the background though things weren't working. I went through jobs pretty quickly and split up from my first partner (thankfully before any kids arrived) because we were clearly not compatible.
I did find someone amazing and we now have two kids, but the restlessness was still there. Reading about CEN (see the link) made me realise that I was doing everything for everyone else and leaving nothing for me - running on empty. If you do nothing just for you then over time it can build up and make you feel as though you need to detonate everything just to feel something.
I'm great company because I am always interested in other people. What I didn't ever do is talk about myself or what I was feeling. My parents are lovely people and I know they love me, but my Dad is in a world of his own. My mum is the same - she recently said to me that she hadn't realised I was "that into cars". Being into cars has been a constant in my life since I was pushing Matchbox cars across the floor as a child (being on here also gives the game away somewhat).
Some of the posters on this thread have spoken about needing to be selfish to get better. It is definitely that but maybe in a way that is kinder to yourself. We all need to find a way to recharge and to be ourselves (not just a worker, a partner or a parent). Without that you can forget who you are and not be there for the people who need us most.
For me that has meant doing stuff just for me (and encouraging my wife to do the same). As well as doing the usual parent and husband activities, I now go out to the pub and to concerts with friends or with my brother. I recently went on a boys trip to Le Mans for the first time. I still feel guilty sometimes for doing these things, but less than I did. I'm also more open about how I am feeling - small steps for now - which really helps.
This thread is about having a MLC, but there are so many crossovers with mental health that I am not sure you can talk about one without the other. If you are struggling then please know that you are not alone. But talk to someone - your partner, a friend or even your GP - as without that it's going to be really difficult for things to get better...
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