Mid life crisis. Has anybody had one?
Discussion
youngsyr said:
Only problem is that they take things SO seriously. Want to do drills in training that are frankly beyond them, want to play lots of competitive games and take them ultra seriously. And there's even politics involved.
I just want to turn up and have a knock about with mates.
It is very very serious now. It's all about the next ultra or triathlon event now. More and more people I know are turning to TRT/ PEDS. I guess they finally have the means and are more settled in with their personal obligations becoming less arduous as their kids get older. I get asked often about my performance stats. To be honest, don't care that much. Just want to keep my size and not let my waist-line blow out. Takes a lot of effort as I love to ear!I just want to turn up and have a knock about with mates.
Fair bit resonates here for me including the CEN article. I'm late 40s and been very goal driven until past few years when it's feeling like I've bought or acheived many things I thought I wanted (cars, house, career etc) and the more I've accumulated beyond the essentials the more hassles it seems to bring or the emptier I feel. A high end car is nicer than a more basic one or older one but I'd be fairly happy with either where before I'd have been eagerly planning next car. My car is about 7 years old now as I struggle to see what a new one will give me.
It's like a wheel has come off life and my purpose, to accumulate, is gone! But that was part of my identity and goal in life. It has been driven in large part by wanting to feel safe and provide I expect and caveman instincts which are less valid in the 2020s! It was only for a few weeks but lockdown showed me a different way I guess and for a few days in particular I felt like the weight of the world was removed from my shoulders.
I have friends who are really great and include me in plans but almost all activities revolve around alcohol and I've pretty much stopped drinking a few years back (very bad hangovers and family affected by alcoholism). I don't really enjoy being sober when others are drinking and in some ways friends maybe feel I'm judging, especially when getting drunk, which I'm really not. It's meaning I don't really have anyone that close any more outside of family.
I've 2 young girls and I'm married but crossover in interests is quite low and whilst I love doing things they enjoy with them, no-one particularly wants to do things I enjoy! I've become better at being selfish there but often find I'm doing it myself.
I'm still interested in older cars, biking, technology and DIY and perhaps need to join some kind of group to meet new people. Making a new "friend" at my age does feel pretty foreign though and I was never great at making new friends at school or university. Men also must go to pubs and drink pints! and its the first thing any local parent has suggested and what most tend to do socially. Drinking is so heavily ingrained in UK culture its been a weird experience stopping. The "why are you not drinking" thing.
I'm considering something more altruistic where I'm helping someone else, with no material reward, but finding it quite daunting to be so far outside my comfort zone. I suffer from imposter syndrome in a big way.
I read a book called Man Down a few months back which didn't give masses in the way of help but provided some explanations for why so many middle aged men can feel like this and is worth a read.
It actually feels bad to write the above from position of such good fortune in life and I have so much to be grateful for too!
Take care out there and thanks for all who have posted, I found it helped to read through.
It's like a wheel has come off life and my purpose, to accumulate, is gone! But that was part of my identity and goal in life. It has been driven in large part by wanting to feel safe and provide I expect and caveman instincts which are less valid in the 2020s! It was only for a few weeks but lockdown showed me a different way I guess and for a few days in particular I felt like the weight of the world was removed from my shoulders.
I have friends who are really great and include me in plans but almost all activities revolve around alcohol and I've pretty much stopped drinking a few years back (very bad hangovers and family affected by alcoholism). I don't really enjoy being sober when others are drinking and in some ways friends maybe feel I'm judging, especially when getting drunk, which I'm really not. It's meaning I don't really have anyone that close any more outside of family.
I've 2 young girls and I'm married but crossover in interests is quite low and whilst I love doing things they enjoy with them, no-one particularly wants to do things I enjoy! I've become better at being selfish there but often find I'm doing it myself.
I'm still interested in older cars, biking, technology and DIY and perhaps need to join some kind of group to meet new people. Making a new "friend" at my age does feel pretty foreign though and I was never great at making new friends at school or university. Men also must go to pubs and drink pints! and its the first thing any local parent has suggested and what most tend to do socially. Drinking is so heavily ingrained in UK culture its been a weird experience stopping. The "why are you not drinking" thing.
I'm considering something more altruistic where I'm helping someone else, with no material reward, but finding it quite daunting to be so far outside my comfort zone. I suffer from imposter syndrome in a big way.
I read a book called Man Down a few months back which didn't give masses in the way of help but provided some explanations for why so many middle aged men can feel like this and is worth a read.
It actually feels bad to write the above from position of such good fortune in life and I have so much to be grateful for too!
Take care out there and thanks for all who have posted, I found it helped to read through.
csd19 said:
I'd say I get the occasional tip into what feels like an MLC, the feelings of helplessness and pointlessness really for lack of a better description?
I turn 43 in just over 6 weeks, been separated and then divorced and on my own for the last 4 1/2 years. Another childless PHer here. On paper I'm not struggling at all, very well paid job, 4-bed house, 3 cars to enjoy and tinker with as my heart sees fit. But I have no goals or dreams anymore, nothing to currently look forward to apart from my next time at home and it really does feel like I'm just going through the motions of whatever this life is.
Not looking to buy an MX-5 this week (although I have driven an 124 Spyder, that was fun) but I understand what others are feeling. My way of dealing with it? It'll be my usual stoic way, bury it away with everything else and hope it doesn't resurface.
Just to quote myself on this and after reading the thread on struggling with debt on the Finance forum it reminded me of something. I too, like many other posters, had found myself at the bottom of a hole regarding finances and about £50k in the red all in. This was in 2008 when a previous relationship had ended, I was living in a rented 1-bed flat in Aberdeen, walking to work and could only fill my car once a month. I got in touch with one of the companies similar to Stepchange and arranged repayment terms with all my creditors. It took around 7 years to pay everything off without going down the route of an IVA.I turn 43 in just over 6 weeks, been separated and then divorced and on my own for the last 4 1/2 years. Another childless PHer here. On paper I'm not struggling at all, very well paid job, 4-bed house, 3 cars to enjoy and tinker with as my heart sees fit. But I have no goals or dreams anymore, nothing to currently look forward to apart from my next time at home and it really does feel like I'm just going through the motions of whatever this life is.
Not looking to buy an MX-5 this week (although I have driven an 124 Spyder, that was fun) but I understand what others are feeling. My way of dealing with it? It'll be my usual stoic way, bury it away with everything else and hope it doesn't resurface.
Looking back at those times, when there was literally no money available for anything, and comparing with where I am now I appreciate I'm in a much better place these days. And it taught me that buying "stuff" for the sake of buying is ultimately pointless.
The standout thing for me is the old adage of "money can't buy you happiness" has proven to be true - amounts in the bank do not reflect on a richness in life, and nobody should think or assume they will.
Life is still as empty feeling as it was 3 weeks ago, and as it has been for the few years - maybe one day things will get better. I'm wanting to get a retriever pup when I retire so there's a goal for around 15 years time...
Reading some of these makes me feel even more grateful than I already do tbh.
I think my life has been in reverse!
School, meh, take it or leave it, I was smart enough to get results when I wanted to but didn’t sit any of the finals as I knew I’d never work for a company, so started out very differently to most.. never carried on with mates from school as never felt close to any of them, enjoyed doing things on my own more tbh.
Dad taught me carpentry and some invaluable life skills along with self discipline to implement them. I got into training and bodybuilding to control my excess energy, met my soul mate at 18 who is my one and only best friend to this day circa 35 years later, if I ever lose her I’m checking out as my life journey with her has been incredible and just gets better with age, without that I’m really not that bothered about life unless I’m sharing it with her, yes we’ve had tough times but never tough between us.
we decided together that we didn’t want nor need kids to get the most out of this life together, some of that was the fact that we knew we were going to push real hard for the things we wanted out of life and there was going to be nought left for them, so wouldn’t be fair.
I think pushing through life as we have and constantly embracing change (either forced upon us or in our control) and moving forward is key to not feeling like life is getting the better of you, resulting in the ‘this is my lot’ attitude is very important, so many people just give up in mid life believing they’ve done all the hard work, they look around and think, is this it?
Through life we’ve always watched others around us (inc. our elders) to decipher who or what we don’t want ourselves or our lives to be and remained clear and focussed on what makes us feel fulfilled and happy, individually or as a couple, really important to keep evolving and try different and stimulating things but make sure the chemistry is right to start with, don’t sleep walk into anything ffs!
if you do, you always find yourself at a crisis at certain points of your life, mid life just happens to be a big one for most as it’s when you detect mental and physical decline and the mind reacts with panic as you’ve not been aware or analytical enough in the years beforehand to read it and make adjustments accordingly.
Mid life crisis happens to pre occupied or lazy people who just thought life would just be ok without too much thought or effort imo, you need to work at it from very early on if you want the most from it later and even then there are plenty of curve balls you’ll still need to dig deeper for, illness being the least controllable..
Life is there for the taking people but it takes balls and effort to shake your life to add the fizz, every moment you’re sat there moaning is a moment wasted on shaking that bottle.
Reverse? well, my life as a kid was good, great loving parents, lots of fun but until I knew who I was and what I wanted (in that order) I was just being lead by everything so always felt like I was going along with what others thought life should be, it never felt completely right, much in the way some here describe their lives in adulthood.
As soon as you actually know what you want (which is not easy finding out I’ll admit) and you do actually really WANT it, then life can carry on getting better and better but you can’t stop putting in maximum effort (no matter how small the goals become) or it won’t feel like it’s worth anything when you get there.
‘You only get out of life what you put into it’
is an often used saying so is probably diluted to many but it’s all so very true, give up and life gives up on you, it’s that simple tbh.
Sunrise, Hot Tub ramblings
I think my life has been in reverse!
School, meh, take it or leave it, I was smart enough to get results when I wanted to but didn’t sit any of the finals as I knew I’d never work for a company, so started out very differently to most.. never carried on with mates from school as never felt close to any of them, enjoyed doing things on my own more tbh.
Dad taught me carpentry and some invaluable life skills along with self discipline to implement them. I got into training and bodybuilding to control my excess energy, met my soul mate at 18 who is my one and only best friend to this day circa 35 years later, if I ever lose her I’m checking out as my life journey with her has been incredible and just gets better with age, without that I’m really not that bothered about life unless I’m sharing it with her, yes we’ve had tough times but never tough between us.
we decided together that we didn’t want nor need kids to get the most out of this life together, some of that was the fact that we knew we were going to push real hard for the things we wanted out of life and there was going to be nought left for them, so wouldn’t be fair.
I think pushing through life as we have and constantly embracing change (either forced upon us or in our control) and moving forward is key to not feeling like life is getting the better of you, resulting in the ‘this is my lot’ attitude is very important, so many people just give up in mid life believing they’ve done all the hard work, they look around and think, is this it?
Through life we’ve always watched others around us (inc. our elders) to decipher who or what we don’t want ourselves or our lives to be and remained clear and focussed on what makes us feel fulfilled and happy, individually or as a couple, really important to keep evolving and try different and stimulating things but make sure the chemistry is right to start with, don’t sleep walk into anything ffs!
if you do, you always find yourself at a crisis at certain points of your life, mid life just happens to be a big one for most as it’s when you detect mental and physical decline and the mind reacts with panic as you’ve not been aware or analytical enough in the years beforehand to read it and make adjustments accordingly.
Mid life crisis happens to pre occupied or lazy people who just thought life would just be ok without too much thought or effort imo, you need to work at it from very early on if you want the most from it later and even then there are plenty of curve balls you’ll still need to dig deeper for, illness being the least controllable..
Life is there for the taking people but it takes balls and effort to shake your life to add the fizz, every moment you’re sat there moaning is a moment wasted on shaking that bottle.
Reverse? well, my life as a kid was good, great loving parents, lots of fun but until I knew who I was and what I wanted (in that order) I was just being lead by everything so always felt like I was going along with what others thought life should be, it never felt completely right, much in the way some here describe their lives in adulthood.
As soon as you actually know what you want (which is not easy finding out I’ll admit) and you do actually really WANT it, then life can carry on getting better and better but you can’t stop putting in maximum effort (no matter how small the goals become) or it won’t feel like it’s worth anything when you get there.
‘You only get out of life what you put into it’
is an often used saying so is probably diluted to many but it’s all so very true, give up and life gives up on you, it’s that simple tbh.
Sunrise, Hot Tub ramblings
Been here since 2004, usernames are like bikes, it’s better to get a new one every few years.
I wasn’t trying to insult or belittle you
, sorry if you felt that I did (kind of inferring it from the testy response). I was just trying to gently note that I felt TRD’s post was a fairly light hearted ‘outsider’ description of committed mid-life ‘born-again amateur sportsmen”, albeit with the chief example of road cyclists. I didn’t think it was something that (your words) made him look like “a bit of a knob”. Maybe it was a bit clumsy, but it was clearly supposed to be gentle fun-poking. As was me noting the earnestness of (fellow) cyclists.
I don’t think the dismissive response to me you’ve posted is really necessary/justified. Anyway, this is a really good thread, with many thoughtful posts, so not going to engage in adversarial head-butting any further!
I wasn’t trying to insult or belittle you
, sorry if you felt that I did (kind of inferring it from the testy response). I was just trying to gently note that I felt TRD’s post was a fairly light hearted ‘outsider’ description of committed mid-life ‘born-again amateur sportsmen”, albeit with the chief example of road cyclists. I didn’t think it was something that (your words) made him look like “a bit of a knob”. Maybe it was a bit clumsy, but it was clearly supposed to be gentle fun-poking. As was me noting the earnestness of (fellow) cyclists.I don’t think the dismissive response to me you’ve posted is really necessary/justified. Anyway, this is a really good thread, with many thoughtful posts, so not going to engage in adversarial head-butting any further!
Edited by GiantCardboardPlato on Thursday 20th July 08:53
youngsyr said:
GiantCardboardPlato said:
Been here since 2004, usernames are like bikes, it’s better to get a new one every few years.
You sound like Boris Johnson.The only reasons people ditch their old account are because they want to hide something or they've been banned from using it, or both.
GiantCardboardPlato said:
I wasn’t trying to insult or belittle you , sorry if you felt that I did (kind of inferring it from the testy response). I was just trying to gently note that I felt TRD’s post was a fairly light hearted ‘outsider’ description of committed mid-life ‘born-again amateur sportsmen”, albeit with the chief example of road cyclists. I didn’t think it was something that (your words) made him look like “a bit of a knob”. Maybe it was a bit clumsy, but it was clearly supposed to be gentle fun-poking. As was me noting the earnestness of (fellow) cyclists.
, sorry if you felt that I did (kind of inferring it from the testy response). I was just trying to gently note that I felt TRD’s post was a fairly light hearted ‘outsider’ description of committed mid-life ‘born-again amateur sportsmen”, albeit with the chief example of road cyclists. I didn’t think it was something that (your words) made him look like “a bit of a knob”. Maybe it was a bit clumsy, but it was clearly supposed to be gentle fun-poking. As was me noting the earnestness of (fellow) cyclists.
Can't please them all mate! Subtlety was never my strong point. Peace out!
youngsyr said:
You sound like Boris Johnson.
The only reasons people ditch their old account are because they want to hide something or they've been banned from using it, or both.
or they forget email address, passwords and usernames etc.The only reasons people ditch their old account are because they want to hide something or they've been banned from using it, or both.
arguing about usernames on an anonymous Internet forum... symptom of a mid life crisis?
GiantCardboardPlato said:
youngsyr said:
You sound like Boris Johnson.
The only reasons people ditch their old account are because they want to hide something or they've been banned from using it, or both.
or they forget email address, passwords and usernames etc.The only reasons people ditch their old account are because they want to hide something or they've been banned from using it, or both.
arguing about usernames on an anonymous Internet forum... symptom of a mid life crisis?
Forgetting an email address? How does that work?
Unless you're using a throwaway one because you have something to hide...
GiantCardboardPlato said:
I guess you are anonymous because you also have something to hide
I have a very common name which isn't available as a username on most forums I join and as I use the same name on every forum I join, going back 20 years, I had to pick a unique one. My username is still very closely linked to my real name and is essentially my nickname plus a differentiator.
I'm about as unanonymous as it's possible to be on forums, short of broadcasting my full name on every post. It's still very easy to find my full name with just a few minutes googling, as well as my posting history on multiple forums going back to 2001.
So, unfortunately for you and your paper thin defense, I do have nothing to hide.
youngsyr said:
I'm about as unanonymous as it's possible to be on forums, short of broadcasting my full name on every post. It's still very easy to find my full name with just a few minutes googling, as well as my posting history on multiple forums going back to 2001.
So, unfortunately for you and your paper thin defense, I do have nothing to hide.
But why not use your full name and maybe postcode too? you must have something to hide. Indeed, if I click your username it takes me to a page where it has a field called "Name". That field is blank. You could put your real name in it. The fact you haven't mean you are not as unanonymous as it is possible to get.So, unfortunately for you and your paper thin defense, I do have nothing to hide.
I guess I don't need to make the point anymore: to go from "you don't want to be known" to "you have a sinister reason to be unknown" is a bit of a leap. It's also utterly irrelevant whether someone on a thread about mid life crises wants to be anonymous or not..
Some people can, some people want to, be more or less anonymous online. Some professions, for example, may make that sensible (e.g. it would be unwise for a civil servant to post publicly online about their political views without being anonymous). I suggest you haven't got your full name and postcode in your profile because you too have "something to hide" - your identity. It's wise not to have that freely or easily available online. Anonymity is not automatically nefarious, there are multiple justifications for it. To attack/criticise someone because they seek or want to be anonymous, and for no other reason, is unjustified.
(PS how does forgetting an email address work? It's easy. Remember a time you forgot what something was. A quote, a number, an address, a word. There you go, it works just like that).
Edited by GiantCardboardPlato on Thursday 20th July 15:03
said:
but why not use your full name and postcode? you must have something to hide.
I guess I don't need to make the point anymore: to go from "you don't want to be known" to "you have a sinister reason to be unknown" is a bit of a leap. It's also utterly irrelevant whether someone on a thread about mid life crises wants to anonymous or not..
Some people can, some people want to, be more or less anonymous online. Some professions, for example, may make that sensible (e.g. it would be unwise for a civil servant to post publicly online about their political views without being anonymous). Anonymity is not automatically nefarious, there are multiple justifications for it. To attack/criticise someone because they seek or want to be anonymous, and for no other reason, is unjustified.
(PS how does forgetting an email address work? It's easy. Remember a time you forgot something. There you go, it works just like that).
Because my postcode has changed several times in the past 20 years and remembering which postcode I used for which forum signup would be a herculean task, nothing to do with annoymity.I guess I don't need to make the point anymore: to go from "you don't want to be known" to "you have a sinister reason to be unknown" is a bit of a leap. It's also utterly irrelevant whether someone on a thread about mid life crises wants to anonymous or not..
Some people can, some people want to, be more or less anonymous online. Some professions, for example, may make that sensible (e.g. it would be unwise for a civil servant to post publicly online about their political views without being anonymous). Anonymity is not automatically nefarious, there are multiple justifications for it. To attack/criticise someone because they seek or want to be anonymous, and for no other reason, is unjustified.
(PS how does forgetting an email address work? It's easy. Remember a time you forgot something. There you go, it works just like that).
If I could have signed up to my first forums using my full name all those years ago, I would have done so. I certainly tried to. I am more than happy to stand behind anything I post online. And I am in a profession which certainly views itself as having a professional image to uphold.
As for forgetting an email address - it's either incompetence or you're using a "burner" address. Which is it?
GiantCardboardPlato said:
youngsyr said:
As for forgetting an email address - it's either incompetence or you're using a "burner" address. Which is it?
there are numerous health reasons that people can have bad memories or indeed be "incompetent"/badly organised, also. youngsyr said:
Yes, but in your case, it's not. So, which is it?
isn't it?! How could you possibly know?I'm not going to answer your question because I have chosen not to.
But throughout I have shown you multiple reasons that people would choose to be anonymous or at least obscure (as you do) their identity online. All of those reasons are "normal", justifiable and non-sinister. Yet you persist in this weird "inquisition" to try to "unmask" the reasons that I have for being anonymous. Here's the point of being anonymous: you are not going to find out.
Edited by GiantCardboardPlato on Thursday 20th July 15:22
GiantCardboardPlato said:
youngsyr said:
Yes, but in your case, it's not. So, which is it?
isn't it?! How could you possibly know?I'm not going to answer your question because I have chosen not to.
But throughout I have shown you multiple reasons that people would choose to be anonymous or at least obscure (as you do) their identity online. All of those reasons are "normal", justifiable and non-sinister. Yet you persist in this weird "inquisition" to try to "unmask" the reasons that I have for being anonymous. Here's the point of being anonymous: you are not going to find out.
Edited by GiantCardboardPlato on Thursday 20th July 15:22
You don't need to explain that you want to be anonymous. That is plain for everyone to see.
My argument is that it's for anti-social reasons and, on top of unsuccessfully trying to paint me with the same brush, you're hiding behind your annonymity to dodge the allegation. More evidence that it's for anti-social reasons.
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