Mid life crisis. Has anybody had one?
Discussion
deebs said:
You keep (following your other thread) going on about your work and how stuck you are. Fine. 5 years ago I was too. I made adjustments that meant I could move sector for less pay and more interesting work. Did it happen overnight? No. I made a plan and stuck to it. However you are looking in the wrong place if you're expecting fulfillment from your work. Consider, for you, it's going to be a myth. You work in IT (as do I). It's a job, a well paying one at that but it's not something that it going to give you meaning, contentment or fulfillment. You have to look outside work for that. It's out there in ways you don't even know about right now.
Your friends don't do anything. Neither do most of my friendship group from the past. They're still my friends but Im not getting dragged into that trap. I'm out the house 4 nights and 1 day of the week after work doing something I get alot out of. I've met new people.
To discover new things you have to go places you haven't been (figuratively). What's the alternative? Continue as you are for another decade? This learned helplessness youve got yourself into isn't going to help. Make a plan, take action.
i agree with all.Your friends don't do anything. Neither do most of my friendship group from the past. They're still my friends but Im not getting dragged into that trap. I'm out the house 4 nights and 1 day of the week after work doing something I get alot out of. I've met new people.
To discover new things you have to go places you haven't been (figuratively). What's the alternative? Continue as you are for another decade? This learned helplessness youve got yourself into isn't going to help. Make a plan, take action.
the current plan is to clear car / credit cards and then look for a new career. i have promised myself to do this and i will.
earning more money has made me no happier at all. despite most people being obsessed with it.
Mirinjawbro said:
Krhuangbin said:
The bit about pondering the thought of getting older a few times a day... I do it constantly, i'm 33, Should really be bang in the middle of prime time as a man. Still objectively and subjectively young. Just getting going...? I have got into a really very unhealthy habit of googling the age of anyone I see in films/TV etc, even those going back many years, when I think how attractive or "at the top of their game" or "before their rise to success" type thing.... when I see that they're older than me I feel relief and a sense of validation that there's still plenty of time... when they're younger even just by a year or two, panic sets in. Weird
very weird. i often find myself watching , "then and now" casts of films. american pie etc.i then ask myself are they bored now? do they miss it?
what is this ??
I quite like watching the likes of NCIS from circa 2003 onwards, I do the same, then realise they look really old now!
Time also seems to speed up the older you get. Then I sit back and think well that's what 'life' is. I never get round to really making any substantial changes though. Seems like only yesterday my nearly 4 year old was born.
AB said:
Yep!
I quite like watching the likes of NCIS from circa 2003 onwards, I do the same, then realise they look really old now!
Time also seems to speed up the older you get. Then I sit back and think well that's what 'life' is. I never get round to really making any substantial changes though. Seems like only yesterday my nearly 4 year old was born.
thats what i am slowly getting towards. years go by just moaning and doing nothing about it.I quite like watching the likes of NCIS from circa 2003 onwards, I do the same, then realise they look really old now!
Time also seems to speed up the older you get. Then I sit back and think well that's what 'life' is. I never get round to really making any substantial changes though. Seems like only yesterday my nearly 4 year old was born.
as above. clear car/ credit cards etc then i am starting a new career.
ideally something with chiropractor / sports massage etc
sitting behind a desk every single day in excel is no longer me.
maybe thats the INT J personality type
Mirinjawbro said:
thats what i am slowly getting towards. years go by just moaning and doing nothing about it.
as above. clear car/ credit cards etc then i am starting a new career.
ideally something with chiropractor / sports massage etc
sitting behind a desk every single day in excel is no longer me.
maybe thats the INT J personality type
You’re putting things off.as above. clear car/ credit cards etc then i am starting a new career.
ideally something with chiropractor / sports massage etc
sitting behind a desk every single day in excel is no longer me.
maybe thats the INT J personality type
‘Clear car, clear credit card debts’
Through caution to the wind- money has not made you happy. What’s to say the car has ?
Sell. Clear debts.
Make changes.
Sorry to be harsh but sounds like you want to see a glass half empty.
Make it half full instead.
PushedDover said:
You’re putting things off.
‘Clear car, clear credit card debts’
Through caution to the wind- money has not made you happy. What’s to say the car has ?
Sell. Clear debts.
Make changes.
Sorry to be harsh but sounds like you want to see a glass half empty.
Make it half full instead.
ive only had the car for 5 months i already lost 5k on a 987 i assumed was almost depreciation proof. this would be the same.‘Clear car, clear credit card debts’
Through caution to the wind- money has not made you happy. What’s to say the car has ?
Sell. Clear debts.
Make changes.
Sorry to be harsh but sounds like you want to see a glass half empty.
Make it half full instead.
i like cars, modding, tuning.
with my current outgoings with mortgage etc i cant just start the new career.
i see what youre saying and wish it was like that.
i could. but don't fancy losing 5k on the car in 5 months and then needing to finance another (savings are very low)
the 987 was bought last year in november. full spec. extended leather. xenon. upgrade alloys. nav. electric seats. the lot.
job was wfh so assumed a few trips to the shops and whatever the car wouldnt lose much.
then it came to selling the car in summer as the job was changing . i was very wrong
the 987 was bought last year in november. full spec. extended leather. xenon. upgrade alloys. nav. electric seats. the lot.
job was wfh so assumed a few trips to the shops and whatever the car wouldnt lose much.
then it came to selling the car in summer as the job was changing . i was very wrong
I'm 36 too and do tend to overthink things a lot. No kids, no relationship, got a house, no real debts other than mortgage, reasonable salary/job, etc.
Not really "happy" as such, often wanting more/to change things up. Exercise definitely helps. Music does too, but the fell good factor is shorter lived than with exercise.
Try not to focus on the past and nostalgia too much- as good as it feels, it's not healthy to look back too much. You should be looking forward, not back, obvious as it sounds.
Not really "happy" as such, often wanting more/to change things up. Exercise definitely helps. Music does too, but the fell good factor is shorter lived than with exercise.
Try not to focus on the past and nostalgia too much- as good as it feels, it's not healthy to look back too much. You should be looking forward, not back, obvious as it sounds.
PushedDover said:
Yes I guess. But from a personal perspective.
Slept walked into a relationship that grew legs, then a house purchase, marriage and a child- but realised I wasn’t happy.
Not depressed per se, but simply was unhappy with my relationship and hence ‘life’.
Coincidentally I was that 40yr old, and there was an element of ‘s
t. I can be this ‘non happy’, tow the line, lobotomised guy for another 40 yrs’
So I made changes.
Life is about happiness has been my mantra ever since. It’s a priority. A necessity.
I finally got it through my head a few years ago, that we are here for a good time, not a long time. But that begs the question how does work fit into that? Slept walked into a relationship that grew legs, then a house purchase, marriage and a child- but realised I wasn’t happy.
Not depressed per se, but simply was unhappy with my relationship and hence ‘life’.
Coincidentally I was that 40yr old, and there was an element of ‘s
t. I can be this ‘non happy’, tow the line, lobotomised guy for another 40 yrs’So I made changes.
Life is about happiness has been my mantra ever since. It’s a priority. A necessity.
coldel said:
I dont miss partying or the like, or living with mates, I suspect if you went and did it again it wouldnt quite be the same and be a bit of a downer.
I think the thing that hit me (Im now 47) is my lack of focus on what I wanted to do as a career. I fell out of uni into the first company that would give me a job and 20 odd years later still doing roughly the same thing. I've been lucky, it let me travel the world, live in different countries, meet amazing people but fundamentally its not a job I can hand on heart say I enjoy, I speak to people who are passionate about their jobs and I am so envious. Thats what I wish I had.
I do miss the partying, mostly because I didn’t have a lot of friends, if any, to do with with. For a reason that has since become clear.I think the thing that hit me (Im now 47) is my lack of focus on what I wanted to do as a career. I fell out of uni into the first company that would give me a job and 20 odd years later still doing roughly the same thing. I've been lucky, it let me travel the world, live in different countries, meet amazing people but fundamentally its not a job I can hand on heart say I enjoy, I speak to people who are passionate about their jobs and I am so envious. Thats what I wish I had.
Regarding the job, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be an engineer. I am an engineer, working for a multinational company. Problem is that job has gone a bit quiet, and as a result, there is not a lot to be passionate about at the minute.
coldel said:
My social life involves playing football three times a week and after playing friday me and the guys go down the pub for pizza and beers, but I actually find thats enough for me! Going out clubbing will early hours just has no interest for me anymore. I still go out, I just do it differently.
I have never been into clubbing, but the weekly beer and pizza with mates sounds lovely.PushedDover said:
Interesting and some of the posters names are familiar.
Reach out guys.
We had a guy on here some time ago - can’t remember his PH name, but I reached out to him (Nigel in RL).
Many here doubted him. But letting him chat helped.
I’m not saying I necessarily did things 100% right in my own journey but I know I left with just three holdalls, 9 yrs ago.
I recall ironing work shirts on the floor of a rented bedsit and trying to balance ‘The Mental’, then several years of POF’ing, and low and behold - got married this September
If you know your shot isn’t right, you must be prepared to accept change is not easy, but required - whether drastic or not.
As said - my mantra now is ‘happiness is a necessity’
Interesting that you recognise names, it would be nice to see which ones you recognise, but I won’t ask you to do that.Reach out guys.
We had a guy on here some time ago - can’t remember his PH name, but I reached out to him (Nigel in RL).
Many here doubted him. But letting him chat helped.
I’m not saying I necessarily did things 100% right in my own journey but I know I left with just three holdalls, 9 yrs ago.
I recall ironing work shirts on the floor of a rented bedsit and trying to balance ‘The Mental’, then several years of POF’ing, and low and behold - got married this September
If you know your shot isn’t right, you must be prepared to accept change is not easy, but required - whether drastic or not.
As said - my mantra now is ‘happiness is a necessity’
The change part, that is a problem for me…
F
k it… here it comes… I have Aspergers. Change is terrifying for me.Mirinjawbro said:
my best times from memory are those that if i do now would not be the same.
i really do not think this whole year WFH has done me any favours though. sat alone monday to friday doing 10 mins of work a day killed me.
i spoke to the doctors about it all. constantly wound up, snappy. after work hours restless wanting to do something.
find new hobbies and get out was the reply.
Yes, this whole working from home is not doing me any good either. I now realise how much of my need for social connection came from it, and that has gone.i really do not think this whole year WFH has done me any favours though. sat alone monday to friday doing 10 mins of work a day killed me.
i spoke to the doctors about it all. constantly wound up, snappy. after work hours restless wanting to do something.
find new hobbies and get out was the reply.
youngsyr said:
Been going through this for a fair few years now and I my early 40s.
Essentially I stretched myself a lot when I was younger and put up with situations at school, uni and work that I didn't particularly enjoy because they seemed like the right thing to do and would pave the way for a comfortable future.
Always had the idea that I would take my foot off the gas around 40 and then enjoy life.
My plan worked reasonably well, I have quite a bit of free time now and have had for years, but it's not what I thought it would be. No-one else I know has the same free time, or desire for it. Closest friends all have successful careers and prioritise that over socialising. I get out maybe once a month with them.
Being fully WFH when I do work for the past 3.5 years also adds to the isolation.
A couple of the sports evenings I had pre covid also fell by the way side, so life feels pretty bleak at times now.
On the positive side, I recognise that I can't just sit here and expect things to change for the better, so am taking steps to try to improve things.
Damn. That could have been written me.Essentially I stretched myself a lot when I was younger and put up with situations at school, uni and work that I didn't particularly enjoy because they seemed like the right thing to do and would pave the way for a comfortable future.
Always had the idea that I would take my foot off the gas around 40 and then enjoy life.
My plan worked reasonably well, I have quite a bit of free time now and have had for years, but it's not what I thought it would be. No-one else I know has the same free time, or desire for it. Closest friends all have successful careers and prioritise that over socialising. I get out maybe once a month with them.
Being fully WFH when I do work for the past 3.5 years also adds to the isolation.
A couple of the sports evenings I had pre covid also fell by the way side, so life feels pretty bleak at times now.
On the positive side, I recognise that I can't just sit here and expect things to change for the better, so am taking steps to try to improve things.
youngsyr said:
What's wrong with living for the weekend, so long as you enjoy the weekend?
It’s a fair question. My first answer would be I am wasting 71% of my life. The second would be it’s fine of every weekend is a mad rush of enjoyment, but life isn’t like that, there are always boring jobs to be done.TameRacingDriver said:
I don't know if what I'm going through now is a mid life crisis but at 43 I'm definitely feeling like my mood and emotions are a rollercoaster.
I spent my 20s and 30s pissing the nights away like many of us. Now I still go out but not as often, but mainly because I don't feel like my body can take the abuse as much these days.
In fact I am really suffering with low energy, lack of motivation, daily headaches, depression, anxiety, the works.
I'm trying to exercise, eat healthier and cutting down the booze but if anything I seem to be getting worse by the week.
I think the lockdowns didn't help either, I went from a sociable job to one where I'm locked up in a room staring at spreadsheets and yearning for a life that seemed a lot rosier before.
I'm not sure what to do about it but my first step is I'm booked in with the GP next week. I feel like a complete shell of a human these days quite honestly.
The lockdown paragraph rings very true for me.I spent my 20s and 30s pissing the nights away like many of us. Now I still go out but not as often, but mainly because I don't feel like my body can take the abuse as much these days.
In fact I am really suffering with low energy, lack of motivation, daily headaches, depression, anxiety, the works.
I'm trying to exercise, eat healthier and cutting down the booze but if anything I seem to be getting worse by the week.
I think the lockdowns didn't help either, I went from a sociable job to one where I'm locked up in a room staring at spreadsheets and yearning for a life that seemed a lot rosier before.
I'm not sure what to do about it but my first step is I'm booked in with the GP next week. I feel like a complete shell of a human these days quite honestly.
Mirinjawbro said:
seems theres almost 2 camps
one. happily married kids and continues 9 to 5 forever. not angry, not bored, just plods along
then us.
always seeking more, better, bigger, faster
That! So much that. I work for a company that has a lot of guys & girls on production tracks doing the same thing day in and day out. I have a. Lot of respect for them, because I absolutely couldn’t note do it, and most seem happy with it.one. happily married kids and continues 9 to 5 forever. not angry, not bored, just plods along
then us.
always seeking more, better, bigger, faster
I am firmly in the later camp.
Megaflow said:
Interesting that you recognise names, it would be nice to see which ones you recognise, but I won’t ask you to do that.
The change part, that is a problem for me…
Fk it… here it comes… I have Aspergers. Change is terrifying for me.
Ah Ok, - I dont know enough to advise or suggest - but can say, some goals. Targets to hit. Increase the self-worth.The change part, that is a problem for me…
Fk it… here it comes… I have Aspergers. Change is terrifying for me.
Bonus of the exercise route is it also makes you feel better, as the weight and shape also changes with the routine too.
(I was on the train earlier - now home, wrestling family life, so brief. apologies - but I did not want to ignore!)
Turned 40 this year, biggest 'shock' was realising the slight beer belly was heading towards the proper gut/mid aged gut. Joined the weight loss thread on here. 11 months on from the birthday have lost 10% of body weight in fat, loving my career progression, love my family, get to do 90% of school drop off/pick (probably the best part of the day for me, as my own parents were always too busy with work to get me on time from school).
Don't miss my 20s in the slightest, cars/toys really don't mean much any more compared to family and job satisfaction. Looking fowards to the next 10 years, though currently I couldn't ask for any more from life, so it must just get worse from here??
Don't miss my 20s in the slightest, cars/toys really don't mean much any more compared to family and job satisfaction. Looking fowards to the next 10 years, though currently I couldn't ask for any more from life, so it must just get worse from here??
At about 15 or so I had a moment of utter terror. I was walking in a field in Ireland and I suddenly thought "nothing has happened, no new experience, years already wasted". That was my MLC.
From that point on I threw myself into things and never stopped. Best laid plans etc, got into consumer debt at 25 and took 18 months of monastic life to dig out, one failed marriage at 42 or so, but in the end I really never had a mid life problem,. I was aware very early that time is precious and I used it the way I wanted to.
Once the adrenalin kicked in life was pretty good overall.
From that point on I threw myself into things and never stopped. Best laid plans etc, got into consumer debt at 25 and took 18 months of monastic life to dig out, one failed marriage at 42 or so, but in the end I really never had a mid life problem,. I was aware very early that time is precious and I used it the way I wanted to.
Once the adrenalin kicked in life was pretty good overall.
Mirinjawbro said:
then us.
always seeking more, better, bigger, faster
I had a bit of an existential crisis earlier this year where I started questionning all the life choices I'd ever made. Career, marriage, kids, family relationships. Pretty much everything. My head's still not that clear about it all to be honest, it's a work in progress.always seeking more, better, bigger, faster
But what I did realise is I think most of it is down to what you describe here. I'd gone through life always improving, moving onto the next challenge etc. I liken it to an RPG game where you level up really easily at the start but then suddenly everything becomes a grind to move up further levels and the game just becomes boring.
The choice is to abandon the game and start a new one, or push through the grind until you've mastered the current one.
Read this article the other day, which I thought was helpful.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/...
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/...
Mirinjawbro said:
im open to suggestions mr french change.
i have a mortgage. car payment. bills. credit cards.
if i get rid of the car now ill instantly lose 4-5k (i have looked)
are you suggesting another few hundred a month by changing car will dramatically change things?
I think you're looking at the car thing the wrong way. The money's already gone, spent, finito. By selling it you're realising an asset. i have a mortgage. car payment. bills. credit cards.
if i get rid of the car now ill instantly lose 4-5k (i have looked)
are you suggesting another few hundred a month by changing car will dramatically change things?
PositronicRay said:
Mirinjawbro said:
im open to suggestions mr french change.
i have a mortgage. car payment. bills. credit cards.
if i get rid of the car now ill instantly lose 4-5k (i have looked)
are you suggesting another few hundred a month by changing car will dramatically change things?
I think you're looking at the car thing the wrong way. The money's already gone, spent, finito. By selling it you're realising an asset. i have a mortgage. car payment. bills. credit cards.
if i get rid of the car now ill instantly lose 4-5k (i have looked)
are you suggesting another few hundred a month by changing car will dramatically change things?
You're not alone though, assets across the board have taken a hammering over the past few months.
OP if it makes you fee any better many / most of us will have done the same (spunked money via finance at an early age that in reality did not ‘bring much’ to your overall well-being)
Moving on - and thinking about it in my morning treadmill shuffle, may I suggest some Reading ? Nothing heavy - some books to simply 'nudge' you to change. Innocuous as it is - I read Will Smiths book the other month. Sage lessons in life there.
And perhaps unpopular / cringey - but I have found listening to Chris Evans (now on Virgin) as a good tonic on a morning. The guy has had it all, lost it all and been pretty reflective on it (read his easy to read books ?) but on the whole - gets the importance of mental health.
Priorities. Focusing on the positives. The juice that makes us tick.
If reading is not an option - some podcasts can have the same net effect. Rich Roll has some good ones, the daily Stoic. Even selective stuff from JRE can help broaden the mind.
Priorities. It’s all about priorities.
(edited because of a rushed post via on the iPhone earlier made little sense !)
Moving on - and thinking about it in my morning treadmill shuffle, may I suggest some Reading ? Nothing heavy - some books to simply 'nudge' you to change. Innocuous as it is - I read Will Smiths book the other month. Sage lessons in life there.
And perhaps unpopular / cringey - but I have found listening to Chris Evans (now on Virgin) as a good tonic on a morning. The guy has had it all, lost it all and been pretty reflective on it (read his easy to read books ?) but on the whole - gets the importance of mental health.
Priorities. Focusing on the positives. The juice that makes us tick.
If reading is not an option - some podcasts can have the same net effect. Rich Roll has some good ones, the daily Stoic. Even selective stuff from JRE can help broaden the mind.
Priorities. It’s all about priorities.
(edited because of a rushed post via on the iPhone earlier made little sense !)
Edited by PushedDover on Thursday 24th November 10:35
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